Leaps and Bounds
by lilacbird
Summary: Gold and Silver learn that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, as they attempt to normalize their awkward relationship. GoldxSilver, huntershipping. R&R please!
1. Love and Like

**I mentioned to a few reviewers of 'Small Steps' (my other GoldxSilver story) that I would consider writing a GoldxSilver longfic, and, surprise, surprise, here it is!**

**This story is a sequel to 'Small Steps', a GoldxSilver oneshot I wrote a while ago. It's not necessary to read 'Small Steps' to understand this story, but it might help! This fic is set about a year after 'Small Steps', and Silver is now eighteen and Gold, seventeen. I know according to the manga Gold is a little older than Silver, but the two I'm using here are their gameverse selves. Yes, I _know_ that's called Huntershipping, but Preciousmetalshipping is the term most oft used for GoldxSilver, so I'll be using that for those who haven't heard of Huntershipping's sake.**

**--**

I loved Silver more than anything in the world. The way he couldn't take a compliment. How he would freak out if he found a moth in his room- even a dead one. The way the tips of his ears pointed out a little like a pixie. The way he tried so hard to hide his blushes. The way he would scoff at charity adverts and then donate a whole fifty to the Salvation Army when they came round the doors at Christmas. How he had to have everything in his apartment positioned just so. I loved everything about him.

But recently, I'd been finding it very hard to _like_ him.

I confessed my feelings to him over a year ago, and though he didn't reject me, nothing much had changed. I suppose, from a direct point of view, you could say we were in a relationship. I spent a lot of time at his apartment (though he never acted pleased to see me when I turned up at his door), and, sometimes, occasionally, he would let me kiss him. But that was as far as it went. Though I would kiss him, he would never kiss me back. I would say 'I love you', but not once would he ever say 'I love you too'.

Sometimes I wished I'd never made that stupid first move. It was nearly two years ago- I was only fifteen- and I had kissed Silver on New Year's Day. I'd regretted it immediately and tried to keep my distance, but Silver had hunted me down and knocked some sense into me anyway. I had told him I loved him, and he had let me kiss him. I had hoped things would only go uphill from there, but with Silver things were never that easy.

Things had grown increasingly awkward between us. We couldn't do things together as friends any more, not like we used to. Two years ago I could drag myself over to Silver's apartment whenever I got sick of Mom's constant nagging, and we could fall asleep leaning against each other, and walk around in just our underwear after having a shower without somebody telling us off. Now we couldn't do any of that without Silver turning crimson in the face and snapping at me like an angry crocodile.

Because to Silver, I was two people. Ever since that day, it was like I had been split in two. I was his best friend. And I was also just some guy who fancied a piece of him. I used to be the only person he would let his guard down for. But now he only strengthened his shield when around me. We were like sex friends, without the sex and barely even the 'friends' part a lot of the time.

I suppose I had expected things to change more. I had imagined Silver showing affection for me. I had imagined being able to tell everyone I was his boyfriend. I had imagined dates. But it hadn't been like that. But despite the barrier I could sense around him, Silver treated me more or less the same as he did when he was blissfully unaware of my feelings for him. I couldn't understand it. I knew Silver wasn't the sort of person to let someone kiss him if he didn't want it, but it still didn't feel right. It didn't feel like he loved me.

Right now he was sat on the floor of his living room in front of his grey, lumpy sofa. He was playing Mario Kart on his old N64 and swearing at the screen as his character got hit by a blue shell. I knelt behind him, brushed back his long red hair and planted a kiss on the back of his neck. A horrible scream emitted from the television as Silver accidentally drove Toad off a cliff.

"What are you doing?" he snapped, swatting me away.

I sighed and sat down properly, facing Silver's back. He was so much taller than me. The logical part of my brain told me that my masculinity should be just a little wounded at the fact that I was only five-foot-five-inches tall, but in truth I sort of _liked_ having to stand on my tiptoes to kiss him.

I brushed his hair back with my hands and started winding it into a plait. Silver grumbled but didn't shake himself away. I wasn't sure whether it was because he liked me fussing over him or because he was too focused on manoeuvring Toad through Yoshi Valley. I liked to think it was the first one. But it was probably the second.

I finished plaiting his hair and admired my work before brushing it out with my fingers. His hair was almost back to it's natural colour now. A month ago he had tried to dye it brown, but it had clashed with his ginger hair and made it turn a sort of purple colour. He had locked himself in his bathroom and refused to come out. It took me three hours to convince him that nobody would laugh at him. But he just looked so funny stood there in the doorway with his purply-red hair and pout and blush that I burst into giggles right away. He had slammed the door in my face there and then, and spent the night in the bathroom.

I leaned forward against him, my cheeks pressed against his back. He didn't push me away and I smiled half-heartedly. It seemed he was in one of his better moods. Most of the time he would have sent me flying.

A wail of anguish came from the TV screen.

"You made me lose, idiot," Silver muttered, reaching out and turning his N64 off with his bare foot.

"You need to cut your toenails," I pointed out.

"It's creepy that you would even notice that."

I smiled. I couldn't help it. I noticed everything about him. Not many people would say Silver was attractive, but I couldn't help but think otherwise. I liked how he kept his hair long specifically to hide the few spots along his hairline and back of his neck- though the fact that his hair got greasy so quickly was probably the reason he got the spots in the first place. I liked his cool grey eyes. I liked how his eyebrows touched together only slightly in the middle. I liked his hands, and how his knuckles were large and pronounced in comparison to his thin fingers. I liked how his nose curved over instead of under. What was that called? A Roman nose? Silver didn't like it in any case. I once spied him holding his hair back in front of the mirror, struggling to look at his face in profile. He measured the length and width of his nose with his fingertips and raised his hand to look, frowning. I hadn't dared question Silver about it personally, so I asked Blue. She had laughed and laughed.

"Well, his nose is kind of big for his face, right?" she had said. It was okay for her to say that- she had known Silver for a long time. Besides, he called her worse things. It wasn't like they meant any of it.

I thought it was cute that Silver was a bit insecure about it. He would blush so deeply when I kissed the tip of his nose. That was another thing I liked about him. He was so bashful, and got embarrassed so easily. And he would cover it up by mouthing off.

"What time is it?" Silver asked, getting up. I got up too.

"Quarter past eleven. You've been on that thing for three hours, you know," I told him.

"And you've been in my apartment for ten hours, moron."

I faked a pout. "Let me stay," I said.

He turned and headed for the kitchen. "Whatever," I heard him say as he flicked the kettle on. He would always drink camomile tea before going to bed. He blamed it on Blue, and told me that if I dared tell anyone he'd kill me. He didn't want anyone to know he did such a 'girly' thing.

I flopped down on the sofa, picked up an out of date TV guide and started flipping through it absent-mindedly. Two minutes later Silver emerged from the kitchen with a mug that had a picture of a cat from some ancient cartoon on the side. He took a sip of his tea.

"You're sleeping on the couch," he said. I almost asked if I could sleep with him, in his bed, side by side. That would have been Christmas come early. But I didn't. I stayed on the sofa like he wanted me to. I had promised Silver when this whole mess began that I wouldn't rush him. I was willing to wait for as long as it took for him to take the next small step.

But that was the problem. I was willing. But I wasn't sure I was able.

Before Silver headed off to his room, I stopped him. I took his hand in mine and pulled him back. When he turned to face me I raised my free hand to brush against his cheek. His Adam's apple dipped for a second as he swallowed. I leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips. He pushed me away with a gasp and looked away, unable to meet my eyes.

My chest started hurting. "I love you," I whispered.

There was a long pause. Then, slowly, Silver nodded.

"Okay," he said hoarsely, and walked out of the room.

–

**This chapter might seem a little sad, but it won't be an all-round tragic story. I'm definitely going to add some comedy elements to it- see the part where Silver's hair goes purple? Heheh. I don't think that would happen if you put brown hair dye on ginger hair (red, you say? But ginger is so much cuter!), but hey, I just love to torture these two!**

**Don't hate me for making Gold and Silver 'ugly' by society's standards, please! I know it's custom for yaoi/shonen-ai men to be gorgeous, but Gold and Silver are too geeky to be complete bishonens! Plus... I actually find 'ugly' people to be really cute. And not the sort of ugly where you take their glasses off and give them a new hairstyle and suddenly they're beautiful, either. I know it's something different for the guys to be unattractive in this sort of story, but maybe you'll like it! Though I don't personally find it unattractive at all, heheh...**

**Please review- I'm open to requests as to what awkward situations I should put Gold and Silver through on their journey to a steady relationship! Yes, I will provide you with fanservice. As long as it fits within the T rating!**

**Next chapter will most likely be from Silver's point of view (and if it isn't, another chapter later on will be). I'm looking forward to that!**


	2. Love and Weakness

It wasn't that I hated Gold. He was a good guy, or at least he meant well. Annoying as hell, though. The way he scrunched his face up when he smiled so that his grin seemed to take up his entire face, the way he didn't know how to use the internet without getting a virus- on _my_ laptop, no less, and the way he _ate!_ He would gather as much food on his spoon or fork as he could, bring his mouth to the food rather than the food to his mouth, clamp his lips around the piece of cutlery and remove it without even opening his mouth. He even made the stupid 'om' sound. And he would chew so noisily, his cheeks bulging out like a hamster. Why couldn't he just eat his god damn lunch?

He was the most irritating person I had ever met, and I had met a few. Unfortunately, he was also my best friend, and barely a day went by without his ugly mug popping up in front of me, grinning inanely in that stupid, scrunched-up way. I should have been used to it, after six years of putting up with him.

Last year, Gold told me he loved me. And we had kissed... amongst other things. I wasn't sure how I felt about him then, and to be honest, I still wasn't. Sure, I would indulge him sometimes, me being the saint I am. But his kisses and touches shook me up so much that I couldn't help pushing him away most of the time.

I didn't like the way he made me feel. I had always prided myself on being the strong one. Gold was pathetic- he cried at everything. Movies, birthday cards, fucking _Jerry Springer. I_ hadn't cried since I was ten, at most. But in three short words Gold had succeeded in stripping me of my armour and throwing me into the lion's den.

And I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all.

It was shameful that this short, chubby guy with the complexity of a goldfish could make me feel so weak. The only other person who had been able to break through my protective wall had been my father, and that was why I ran away from home when I was twelve. There was a difference between Gold and my father, though. Father shattered my barrier with anger, using cruel words as ammunition. Gold had just slipped by with my noticing. He was so simple and so kind that I hadn't seen him as a threat. But I saw now that that was exactly _why_ he was a threat.

It was because of him that I was currently lying wide awake in my bed- while he snored loudly on the sofa just outside my door. What was he _thinking?_ That he'd give me a kiss goodnight? What an idiot!

My stomach hiccuped as I remembered how his lips had touched mine so gently. I felt my face start to burn. Ahh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I rolled over and buried my head under my pillow. Why did I always react like this? Why was it that those little touches from Gold could mess me up so much? It wasn't fair. I was the smart one, damn it! And I couldn't even work out what was happening to me.

For all I knew it could have been a natural reaction. Maybe I would have gotten all red and flustered no matter who had kissed me. I didn't know. I'd never dated anyone before- though I didn't like to call what Gold and I had 'dating'. I was pretty sure Gold hadn't either, but at least he could chat about girls and comment if he thought they were pretty, so maybe he knew what he was doing. He was always pointing out 'hot' girls to me when we were younger. That was another thing that concerned me.

No matter which way you looked at it, I was a guy, and so was Gold. I didn't think I was being stupid in thinking there was something just _not right_ about that. Gold had only ever shown interest in girls before, so why me now? And come to think of it, _I'd_ never shown interest in _anyone_ before, male or female.

I sighed. My tea wasn't working- but how could it, when my heart was racing a mile a minute? It didn't look like I was going to get any sleep tonight.

The next morning Gold laughed at the dark circles under my eyes. I glared at him, fighting back a yawn. How dare he be so bright and cheerful so early in the morning? That was another thing that pissed me off about him. He was such a morning person. Probably because he had the ability to sleep through a herd of elephants stampeding outside his window.

"Shut up and eat your cereal," I grumbled. Gold lifted some of the muesli on his spoon and let it drop back miserably into his bowl. He wrinkled his nose in disdain.

"Gross," he said.

"Eat it. It's good for your digestion."

"It looks like somebody already digested it," he said cheekily. He got up and started rummaging through my cupboard. "Got any Frosties?"

I rolled my eyes. "What are you, five? For God's sake, give it here." I snatched up his bowl and slammed it down on the counter so hard the it's contents jumped. Then I started rooting through the fridge.

"Silver, wait, you don't have to," Gold said quickly. "I'll eat it, look." He reached out to take back his muesli, but I slapped his hands away.

"You said you didn't want it!" I snapped. He could only watch feebly as I gathered what I needed from the fridge- orange juice and some cream (it was a little out of date, but nothing Gold's bottomless stomach couldn't handle). I took the packet of sugar from where I had left it from making my coffee and poured a considerable amount into Gold's bowl. Then I put the cream in.

"What are you doing?" Gold asked nervously.

I grunted in response, and poured in the orange juice so viciously that it splashed over onto the floor.

"Hey, you can't mix orange juice with _milk!_"

I shot him a fierce look. "It's my house and I can do what I want," I snarled. I mixed the contents of the bowl up to form a sticky sort of paste. Then I shoved the bowl against Gold's chest. "Take it!"

Gold looked down at his mutilated muesli uncertainly. He looked up at me and was met with a stony glare. Slowly, he raised his hands to take hold of the bowl.

"A-Am I supposed to eat this?" he asked. I stormed back to my seat, raised my own bowl to my lips and began slurping up the milk angrily. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gold raising the gooey, paste-covered spoon tentatively to his lips. He poked out his pointy pink tongue and lightly touched the substance with the tip. He frowned, but then he took a bigger taste. His eyebrows shot up an inch on his forehead.

"This is good," he said.

"Don't sound so surprised," I snapped, refusing to look at him. God's sake! _Some_ of us didn't have a mother waiting on them hand and foot. What did he expect? That I didn't know how to cook after six years of self-reliance? Gold didn't say anything more, but he polished off his whole bowl _and_ made himself seconds. The way he ate, it wasn't surprising he could stand to lose a few pounds.

After putting his bowl in the sink for later (guess who would have to clean it?), he shuffled over to where I sat reading the paper and put his arms around my neck.

"I'm sorry," he said in a lisping baby voice, hugging me.

"You're a spoiled brat," I remarked.

"And who's the one that spoils me?" he asked cheekily. He brushed back my hair and kissed my ear.

Immediately I felt my face flame. "H-Hey!" I shoved him away and leaped to my feet, my hand clamped protectively over my burning ear. "What do you think you're doing, getting so touchy-feely so early in the morning!?"

For a second, maybe I just imagined it, but I swore that Gold actually looked _hurt. _But then his usual infuriating smile spread over his face and he stuck his tongue out at me.

"You're blushing, Silver!"

"Shut up." I stalked out of the kitchen and to the front door, where I pulled on my boots. I worked at the local mart- Goldenrod Department Store- in the trainer's section on mornings, and had done since I was old enough to work. What, I wasn't allowed to earn a little extra cash? It wasn't as if my father would help me out if I needed it. Or, maybe he would. But I would die before accepting it.

"Door keys are on the side, post them through the letterbox when after you leave" I called back to Gold. "You'd better not be here when I get back."

"Ah, Silver, you're so _boring_," Gold whined, appearing in the kitchen doorway.

"At least I'm earning a living. What do you do, eh?" I said rudely. "Maybe you should get a job."

I expected him to start complaining again, but he didn't. Instead, he announced loudly, "Is there something wrong with wanting to touch the person I love?"

I froze. "Wh...What?"

"You told me not to be so touchy-feely. What's wrong with wanting to show your love for someone?" He kept his voice carefully even. He never, ever did that, unless... unless he was trying not to cry.

"I..." I struggled. What was I supposed to say? There he went again, with those words that got to me so much that it couldn't be healthy. I hated how he looked at me, with those huge, dark eyes. It scared me how much he could make me feel. "Just... not so early in the morning. Not so early."

And Gold just smiled at my feeble excuse.

–

**Silver's point of view is actually very fun to write! I have no reviews so far, but I can't say I expected to- GoldxSilver is not all that popular. But, if you are reading, then maybe you could click that little green button down there and tell me what you think? I'd be very grateful!**

**About that strange paste that Silver made out of muesli, yes, it is actually edible, and very nice at that! Try it if you want to- though you generally should leave it in the fridge overnight before eating. Though I'd advise you to use cream that isn't out of date.**

**I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm trying to make Gold and Silver in to real people in this, and not just manga/game characters... I love giving them their little eccentric habits and whatnot!**

**Next chapter I will introduce some humour, so if anyone has any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them!**


	3. Love and Money

**I should have put this in earlier, but here's the URL of _Small Steps, _the prequel to this story:**

.net/s/5600804/1/Small_Steps

**Now that _that's _out of the way- on with the show!**

**--**

I left Silver's apartment less than an hour after he had. It was boring, staying inside with nothing to do and no-one to tease. Plus, had I stayed there any longer I wouldn't have been able to resist the urge to pry through Silver's stuff like a creepy stalker. _I_ didn't think there was anything wrong with wanting to borrow your partner's jacket because it reminded you of them, but Silver seemed to disagree.

I considered visiting the mart- I really need to stock up on a few things- but I knew Silver would flip if he saw me, so that was an instant no. Instead I walked over to Olivine. It wasn't too far away, only an hour on foot, but by the time I got there I was huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf. I had to lean against a fence for support as I wiped my forehead. I didn't think I'd gotten _that_ unfit! Six years ago I could have run that distance and still have breath to spare. I wondered whether I should start going to the gym.

I wandered around the town for a while. I picked up the supplies I needed from the mart there, and paid the new gym leader a visit while I was there, just to test her. The previous leader, Jasmine, was away on some 'special training' or whatever in Sinnoh, apparently. I thought of checking out the Battle Tower- I never had time for that when I was younger, but I had time to kill now, so even though I didn't really fancy it I thought I might as well see what it was about. But fate had other plans for me, as I happened to glance someone I recognised flitting about in the window of a cafe.

I hadn't seen Crystal in a long time. She was a nice girl- a little out-there and off-key, but I liked her. Currently she was shooting around Olivine Cafe like a rocket, trays balanced on both her hands and occasionally her head. She was almost scarily pleased to see me.

"Gold! Oh, thank goodness!" She practically collapsed in front of me. She had dark bags under her eyes, her face was flushed red from the heat of the kitchen, and the blue pigtails that she usually kept stiff and stinking of spray now swung miserably at either side of her head. She was the embodiment of 'overworked'. But still, she seized my arm and dragged me towards the counter. "Come in, come in!" she urged. I suppose I should have been _slightly_ suspicious at her enthusiastic behaviour, especially considering she had so many customers already.

"Chef!" she cried, and a few moments later a muscle-bound man in a stripy apron appeared from the kitchen door behind the counter.

"My name is Alan," he said. Crystal waved her hand dismissively.

"Alan!" she declared. "All our troubles are over. I present to you, our new waitress!"

"_What?"_ I looked around stupidly, though Crystal had one hand on my shoulder and was pointing at me.

"That would be _waiter_, Crystal," Alan said exasperatedly.

"Whatever," Crystal said. She grinned and leaped forward over the counter, swinging her feet in the air. "Now we won't be so overworked, and it's all thanks to me. Don't I deserve a nice big raise, now?"

"You'll get a raise when you stop giving couples scented candles and trying to serenade them."

"Damn you, Chef," Crystal said, waving her fist in mock-anger. She gave me a nudge with her sharp elbow. "Divorced last month," she whispered loudly, nodding at Alan. "He's still a bit touchy about it."

"Enough of that," Alan snapped, walking over to the counter and pushing Crystal off it. He turned to me and frowned, his eyes drilling holes in my head. "Well, he's not much to look at, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers. All right son, from now on, you're working nine 'til five."

I opened my mouth to protest, but stopped myself. I needed a job anyway. I couldn't keep leeching off other people for the rest of my life, I knew that. And this way I'd be with Crystal; she could show me the ropes and help me out if I needed it. "What a way to make a living," I muttered.

"Don't get clever with me, I've already got one pain in the neck to deal with," Alan said. Crystal grinned sheepishly. "You start tomorrow, nine o'clock. Dress smartly and turn up on time, or you're fired."

"He won't fire you. He's too short of staff as it is," Crystal whispered, linking my arm and dragging me out of earshot. A man sat at a table in the corner of the cafe shouted at her to get a move on.

"Of course sir, right away!" Crystal called, adding, "rude swine," under her breath. She beamed at me apologetically. "I have to get back to work. I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Wear a bow tie or something!"

"A-A bow tie?" I studied Crystal's appearance nervously. "I don't have to dress like you, do I?"

"What, don't you like it?"

"It's very... orange."

Crystal glared at me. She fluffed up her jumper's puffy sleeves and adjusted the pink turtle-neck collar. "I made it myself," she said irritably.

"Oh, sorry," I said, scratching my neck awkwardly. "I-I like it really."

"Really?" Crystal said, suddenly forgetting how offended she was. "I'll make you one too! Now- get out! You're holding me up! Get out, get out." She spun me around and started to push me forcefully towards the door. Crystal was big for a girl and had the strength to match, and I had to break into a jog as she weaved me in and out the queue to stop her pushing me over completely.

"Get out!" she cried triumphantly, hurling me out of the door by the scruff of my neck. Then she winked at me. "See you tomorrow, Gold!"

The door slammed shut and Crystal flew across the window again. I stood there, baffled. I wondered if I was going to be up to the job I had landed myself in- Olivine Cafe seemed to be the fastest moving place in Johto, especially in Autumn where the cold conditions at sea meant the many sailors who were regulars at the shop worked up a hunger fast. I had been in there less than five minutes and already I had found myself with a weekday job and a threat of the pink slip. It had all gone so fast that I had even forgotten to ask how much I would be paid.

I decided not to tell Silver about my new-found self-reliance until tomorrow, when he would have no choice but to ask why I was going out so early- I'd have to set off at eight o'clock at most to make it to Olivine by nine. I didn't want him to get cocky thinking I just got a job because he told me I should, even if it was partly true.

Thinking of Silver, I suddenly got a brilliant idea.

"Oh, _thank you_, Crystal!" I announced, grinning widely. There was no way I'd be able to walk to Olivine from Newbark without having to spend almost the whole night travelling. My only option would be to crash in a place not too far away. Goldenrod had a lot of apartment blocks didn't it? And how convenient that _somebody_ I knew happened to rent one!

I was so happy with myself that even Silver's annoyance at having me turn up at his place for dinner couldn't upset me. If I started living with Silver, he'd get used to the whole situation we were in much faster. And plus, it would feel as if we were actually in a steady, normal relationship- something that I longed for intently.

I had to make sure to get Silver a little drunk before asking him about it. Not falling-over type drunk, just a bit tipsy. I had bought some beer on the way back to Goldenrod in anticipation. At about seven o'clock, when I could sense that he was about to send me packing, I dove into his cupboard and fished out his old copy of _Wayne's World_ and put that on. Silver didn't have a DVD player, just a video recorder, and the tape was so well-watched that the picture had a permanent flicker, but that barely mattered.

"Come on, Sil, we haven't seen it in ages!" I urged, cracking open a beer and handing it to him.

"Where did you get _this?"_ he asked, holding the bottle up and looking at it as if it was filled with cyanide.

"Bought it," I said simply. I flopped down on the couch and started head-banging to _Bohemian Rhapsody_'s guitar solo.

"Moron," Silver muttered, but he sat down next to me anyway.

I only had to give him three small bottles for him to be getting sleepy. He couldn't hold his alcohol well, but then, neither could I. But at least I had the excuse that I was under-age. I only had one. I didn't want to get too wasted and forget what the whole point of the charade was.

And though it _was_ a charade, I loved every second of it. I wished Silver had put the film on a repeat-tape so we could laugh at the cheesy parts and argue over which guitar was better and mimic Mike Myers' infamous '_Denied!'_ all over again.

Towards the end of the film, when things were getting all super-happy, I put my plan out of my mind and took a chance. I leaned against Silver, resting my head on his shoulder. For a moment my heart leapt as I thought I'd gotten away with it, but then Silver had to go and shrug me off. I wondered if he just did it out of automatic reaction, and that he really _did _want me to lean on him but felt too embarrassed not to reject me first time. It was probably just my wishful thinking, but I tried again anyway. This time Silver reacted much more violently, pushing me away with such force that I nearly fell off the couch.

"Get _off!_" he said furiously.

And just like that the moment was gone. Maybe it had never been there in the first place. Maybe I had just imagined it. But one thing was for sure- Silver wasn't in the mood for laughing any more. I think my actions had succeeded in shocking him back into soberness.

"Silver, please," I whispered. I wasn't asking for much, was I? Just a little affection. Just a little human contact, was that such an unreasonable request? I brushed the back of his hand with my fingertips. _Wayne's World_'s credits ran forgotten in the background.

Silver got up. "I'm going to take a shower," he said, leaving me alone on the sofa.

"Can I stay?" I asked suddenly. I regretted it instantly. So much for choosing the right moment.

Silver rolled his eyes. "That's what you're planning on, isn't it?"

"I didn't mean just for tonight," I said quietly.

Silver visibly stiffened. I decided not to rush him.

"...Why?" he managed to croak out after almost a minute of silence.

"I got a job. In Olivine. Crystal helped me- well, more like forced me actually, but..." I trailed off, uncertain of myself. I wished I hadn't asked. I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear the answer. "It'd take forever to walk to Olivine form Newbark, so I thought..."

"Y-You could just fly," Silver said feebly, and I raised my eyebrows.

"_Who's_ the one who says I should exercise more?" I asked. That's it, Gold. Throw a joke in. Make light of the situation, like you always do. It hurt less that way.

Silver sighed. He looked away. I could see him linking and unlinking his long fingers. He was obviously anxious. As if he was worried about saying yes. As if he didn't trust me. I closed my eyes- I couldn't look at his face any more- and waited for the rejection.

"...Okay then."

My eyes snapped open. "W-What did you say?" I stammered, sure I couldn't have heard right.

"I _said,_ fine! Unless you're changing your mind now! In fact, yeah, do that, change your mind, because I don't want you here anyway!" He was shouting, but that didn't matter, because he was also blushing and doing a horrible job of hiding it.

"Oh, Silver!" I threw myself at him, tackling him in a hug.

"Idiot! Get off, get _off!_" He started pummelling my back with the palms of him hands, but I barely felt it. I was such a simple person, to be made so happy by such a small thing. But I couldn't help it.

"Listen to me, stupid!" Silver pushed up on my forehead, forcing me back. I grinned at him and he looked up in exasperation. "If you're going to stay here you're paying half the rent. And you're cleaning, too. And cooking. You can sleep on the sofa. That's only fair, since it's my apartment."

"Isn't it technically half mine if I pay half the rent?" I asked innocently. "That means I get half the bed, too."

Silver's face blanked. Then he shoved me off him and stormed off into the bathroom.

–

**Why is it that whenever I start a new story I get hooked on it and end up writing a chapter every day for the first few days or so? Not that I'm complaining, mind you!**

**I'm really glad I could introduce Crystal this chapter, as I really like her. I always imagined her as the eccentric tomboy- sort of a Luna Lovegood, except stronger and with a bigger temper! She'll play a big part later on, so watch out for her!**

**Oh, Gold, oh, Silver, you have no idea how many times I observed this chapter while writing it and thought 'God, you two are such _dorks!'_ Specifically the part where they were watching _Wayne's World._ Speaking of which, it's a good film. Watch it.**

**I'm very pleased to say that I have achieved four reviews! I'm feeling much more loved now, but if you have anything to say about _Leaps and Bounds,_ please, feel free to tell me!**


	4. Love and Uncertainty

I don't know why I did it. Why, oh why, did I say he could stay? To say I regretted it would be an understatement, especially as I was now lying wide awake in bed for the second night in a row as Gold's snores rattled my windows. The whole idea of living together combined with all those sneaky little touches made me feel like Gold and I really were... _lovers._ Ugh, I can't believe I actually thought that word! Gold and me- when hell freezes over!

Now I'd have to be constantly on guard- how could I not be with Gold wandering around 24/7? With his uncanny ability to make me feel whatever the hell he wanted, I couldn't afford to show any weakness. And what about the touches? Gold wasn't above trying his luck with me. So far it had just been kisses and hands brushing against mine, but what if... I didn't even want to _think_ about it!

It wasn't that I hated it when he kissed me. It was just that doing that sort of thing- with _Gold_ no less- was awkward. And embarrassing. And so shameful. My stomach would clench and my head would grow light and my heart would start beating so loudly that I worried he might be able to hear. It was funny, really. I had endured the disappointment of my father, made it through school with no friends at all, even made it out of a five-against-one without a scratch- and yet I could be broken so easily with a simple touch.

I couldn't let myself open up to Gold. I didn't _want_ to. I had known Gold for a long time. He got enthused easily, and lost interest just as quickly. One week he'd label something as his one true love and would be willing to go to the ends of the earth for it, and the next he would forget all about it and move on to something else. I didn't want to be just another of Gold's stupid crazes. I didn't want to fall in love with him and then have him throw me away.

I figured that if I kept pushing him away he would get bored and leave me alone. He hadn't gotten bored yet, but it was just a matter of time. Then I could get back to my own life. On my own. Alone.

The next morning was probably the earliest time Gold had had to get dressed since he was in school. He turned the place upside down looking for something appropriate to wear- he only had a single change of clothes with him since he hadn't got a chance to go back to Newbark and pack a suitcase.

"I'm borrowing your shirt," he shouted as he hopped around on one foot trying to pull his trainers on. "Thanks, Sil!"

"_What?" _I stormed out from the kitchen (and my breakfast) and into the hallway. The plain white shirt Gold had raises from my closet was one I hadn't worn since I was at most sixteen. It was far too small for him, and accentuated his belly and pulled too tight around his shoulders. He grinned at me sheepishly.

"Don't laugh," he said. "I'll be as thin as you in a few months!"

I raised my eyebrows sceptically. Thin wasn't the right word- _skinny_ was more like it. Most of my bones looked ready to burst out from me, my rib cage could be seen through my chest and my hips jutting out horribly. The only part of me where any muscle was visible was my arms, but I was a lot stronger than I looked.

"Just get out," I muttered. Gold smiled. He craned his head up and gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Love you," he said cheerily, then turned and was out of the door before even had a chance to yell something abusive after him.

I stood there in the middle of the hallway, staring at the empty space which Gold had just occupied and clutching my cheek. The place where he had kissed was tingling in such a horrible, girly way that I couldn't help but feel disgusted with myself. I slammed the door as hard as I could, and a crack appeared in the plaster of the ceiling.

"Idiot," I murmured. "Why should I believe you?" He only thought he loved me. He didn't. Not really. There was no such thing as love.

I didn't have to set off for work until quarter-to-nine, as my flat was so close to Goldenrod Department store. I took a long shower before then, doing the stupid lather-rinse-repeat sequence at least four times. When roughly drying off my hair I was pleased to see that my effort seemed to have finally paid off, and the sickening purple hue had gone from my hair. Now I only had to deal with people calling me 'ginger nut'.

I was greeted as such by Blue as soon as I entered the trainer's department for my shift.

"Did the heater just break or is there a fire in here? Oh wait, it's just you!" she teased, unlocking the gate to behind the counter for me. I gave a sarcastic 'ha ha ha' and rolled my eyes at her. I picked up my green apron from the chairs behind us and tied back my hair, ready to get down to business. Goldenrod Department Store was always busy.

"So how's life treating you, Silver?" Blue asked, running a super potion over the scanner. "Paper or plastic?" She turned back to me. "Well?"

"I'm fine."

"Ho ho! Silver, you are _never_ fine! You always find something to complain about." She handed the plastic bag to the customer, a young boy with a band-aid on his cheek. "Why are so so suddenly 'fine'? Did you and your girlfriend finally do it?"

I choked on my own spit. Blue was the sort of girl who you couldn't keep any secrets from. I didn't know how, but a year ago she had announced out of nowhere that I had found a 'special someone'. It was as if she had a sixth sense about these things- or at least that's what I liked to think. Despite the ludicrousness of the idea, it was preferable to suspecting she was keeping constant tabs on everyone she knew. I made a mistake that first time and hadn't denied it, so she had kept badgering me until I admitted it. I just conveniently replaced the word 'Gold' with 'my girlfriend'. I didn't consider Gold to be a girlfriend or boyfriend to me, but I knew the rest of the world wouldn't see it that way if they knew the things we had done together. It was just easier to refer to him as such- and like I was going to admit to having kissed another guy!

I quite liked it at first. I had never been able to share stories about my love life because I didn't _have_ a love life. Though it seemed shallow, I admit it was quite nice to have a girlfriend to brag about. If if she didn't really exist. And even if I _slightly_ exaggerated some things.

"Jesus, Blue, that's not the sort of thing you should ask a guy," I said.

"I'd ask a girl," Blue said, as if that made it perfectly acceptable. "So I'm guessing things haven't changed much, then?"

"Not since yesterday," I replied dryly. I paused and looked around. The department wasn't too busy, and the only people on the floor were browsing and didn't look like they'd be needed to check out any time soon. I took a deep breath. "Hey, Blue?"

"Yeah?"

"My girlfriend, she's very... loving," I said, choosing my words carefully. Annoying and overly-affectionate would probably have been better adjectives. "And I think she wants me to show some love back, but... I don't know."

Blue blinked at me. Her eyes held no sign of judgement, which relaxed me just a little. "Don't you love her?" she asked.

I almost choked again. What was I supposed to say? 'My girlfriend' was Gold, so Blue was basically asking if I loved _Gold._ I didn't consider what I felt for him to be love, but then I didn't know what love felt like in the first place. How could I answer that? "I-I like her. Sometimes," I said, scooting around the question as gracefully as I could.

"Then what's the problem?"

I sighed impatiently. "Well, I'm just _not sure, _okay?" I snapped. "I don't think I'm ready for this sort of... relationship." The words tasted unnatural on my tongue and I had to bite my lip.

Blue put her hands on her hips. "Don't you think you should have told her this earlier?" she said. "Like, _a year_ earlier? You're messing her about, you insensitive _man!"_

"_Me?"_ I said incredulously. "What am I _supposed _to do then, Your Majesty?"

"Just _explain_ things to her, tell her you want to take things slower," Blue grumbled. "Honestly, shouldn't you have figured that out by now, genius? If she loves you, she'll understand. You owe it to her to give it a try, since it's been a year already."

Blue didn't know what she was talking about. We were going at a snail's pace already, and if it were up to me we'd be going slower than a static object. But, in a way, she was right. I had spent a year pushing Gold away, and I at least owed him an explanation- no matter for excruciating it would be to force one out. Or maybe I didn't even have to do that. I could just say I wanted to take things slower. Even slower than they already were...

I spent all day working out what I was going to say to him. I told myself it was silly and girly to be so hooked up on such a ridiculous concept, but that didn't stop me worrying all the same. If I told Gold that I didn't want to do what he wanted me to do with him... What would happen then? What if he decided he didn't want to be with me any more...?

I didn't see why I was so shook up over it. Surely it would be a good thing if Gold decided to break things off between us? The awkwardness would disappear and we could go right back to being friends. Gold would move out, get his own place, find a girlfriend... And I could be all alone again, with no annoying distractions loitering around my apartment telling me they loved me. Everybody wins.

But for some reason, when Gold came home from his shift a Olivine Cafe, I couldn't muster up the strength to tell him. The look of pure happiness on his stupid face when he saw me was too much. Even though he looked exhausted, he still bounded over to me with the eagerness of a puppy around his master. He pulled my hair free of the elastic band which held it back and ran his fingers through the strands of my hair.

"I like it this colour best," he said quietly. "Don't dye it again, okay?"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't have done so even if I'd wanted to. I raised my hands to push him away. He was too close. Obediently he stepped back, but he caught my hand as he did so.

And it was as if he had read my mind, because instead of kissing my hand or my lips like he would have done before, he just stayed where he was, holding my hand in his. We stayed like that for a long time, and after about two minutes, I slowly curled my fingers around his.

Gold smiled and let go of my hand.

–

**Four chapters in four days _must_be a record for me! I really like writing from Silver's point of view, though Gold is easier to write as.**

**I feel a little sorry for Gold and Silver so far- neither one of them is right or wrong, they're just on two different wavelengths. I'm glad I got to introduce Blue, too. I haven't read the manga, but according to what I have heard she and Silver have a sister-brother relationship, which I decided to weave into this story- childish sibling arguments ahoy! I'm making Blue's personality up, as she doesn't have one in the games, so expect it to be different from the manga.**

**I could really identify with Silver in this chapter, as I have the same outlook on love- the 'you don't love me, you just think you do, and so I cannot let myself open up to you for the risk that I will fall for you because then your inevitable betrayal will hurt all the more' thing! Maybe when I grow up things will change- I'm only fifteen right now, so I have plenty of time to sort things out!**

**Lying awake in bed last night, I thought of a _delicious_ scene to add to this story! It won't pop up for a while, but I'm looking forward to writing it anyway! I'm teasing you here, aren't I?**

**Anyway, did I mention how much I love reviews? I haven't had any requests for what I should add to the story, so if anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them- not that I don't have confidence in thinking up my _own _embarrassing situations for Gold and Silver!**


	5. Love and Learning

My first experience of the working world was one I would rather forget. Alan was constantly furious and chain-smoked as he cooked, the customers were all tank-sized sailors demanding better service, and the kitchen was so hot and humid I was surprised that the customers didn't complain that their food tasted of sweat. Even more depressing was that I knew I would have to repeat the whole exhausting process again the next day. And the day after that. And after that.

Crystal and I were the only staff working there apart from Alan, the chef, and a spotty man in his mid-twenties who did the washing, drying and stacking. As such, we were on our feet almost all day. I dreaded to think how quickly Crystal must've had to work with no-one there to help her. The only break we got all day was a measly half an hour for lunch.

"So Gold," Crystal said, tucking into her suspicious-smelling sandwich with vigour, "where are you living now? Not in Newbark, obviously, since you're working here."

"Ah, well, I'm living in Goldenrod actually," I said between gulps of my water. I swallowed and took the bottle from my lips with a deep sigh of satisfaction. "With Silver."

Crystal tried to inhale her sandwich instead of swallow it, and broke into a coughing fit. I had to thump her on the back, and she hacked up a piece of orange, drool-covered bread. She made a face and flicked the offensive morsel onto the floor when Alan wasn't looking. Then she turned to me. "_Silver?" _she said in disbelief. "As in antisocial, talk-to-me-and-die Silver? How on earth did you manage that?"

I frowned, a little insulted. "I just asked if I could stay, and he said yes." Crystal raised her eyebrows.

"How drunk was he?" she asked.

"Not very!" I was very insulted now. What, she thought I had to fill him with alcohol before he would agree to letting me share his flat? He only had three pints- that wasn't that much! "For your information, I-"

"Oh!" Crystal exclaimed suddenly. "Ohh!" She leaped to her feet and brushed herself down, stuffing the rest of her sandwich into her mouth. Her eyes were locked to the growing queue at the counter. "He's here! How do I look?"

She was wearing bright yellow, short dungarees over a pink T-shirt that had one sleeve cut off. On her legs she wore red and white stripy tights, and on her feet she had hiking boots which looked at least two sizes too big. Her hair was in it's usual stiff style and huge lollipop-shaped earrings dangled at either side of her face. Her eyelids were coated with green eye-shadow.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Great," I said. She beamed at me and skipped over to the counter.

"Excuse me, excuse me please, this man was here first," she said politely, beckoning the person at the back of the line to the front. I almost sighed with exasperation when I saw him. Of course. The only man more colourful than Crystal herself- Eusine. He was as flamboyant as I remembered him, wearing a bright purple suit and a matching white cravat. Yes, that's right, a _cravat. _Crystal had this silly, simpering expression on her face as he talked to her, pretending to chastise her for disregarding the other customers.

"Oh, aren't I a bad girl," she said jokingly, pink in the face. She was leaning forward on the counter and swaying back and forth. "So, Eusie, have you seen today's menu? Is there anything you... _desire?"_ She giggled deliriously and bobbed up and down on the spot, fluttering her green eyelashes. I wondered if she wanted to make herself any more obvious.

"Just a cup of tea for me today, Crystal my dear," Eusine declared, loud enough for the whole cafe to hear. "Suicune is proving to be especially elusive lately! I can't afford to waste any time."

"Oh, I'm _sure_ you'll find it soon..." Crystal tottered back into the kitchen and set about making Eusine's tea, adding all sorts of extra ingredients that I was sure she had memorised by heart. She zipped over to me before going back to the counter. "Do you think he noticed? The eye-shadow, I mean?" she whispered.

"Uh..." I couldn't very well say it would be impossible for him _not_ to notice- she looked like a green panda. Thankfully she butted in before I replied.

"Hey, does my breath smell?" She blew in my face. My eyes widened and I started coughing.

"What was _in_ that sandwich?" I gasped.

Crystal scowled at me. "Crab," she replied, and whirled around and headed back to 'Eusie'.

"My thanks, Crystal," he said, taking his cup with a tip of his silk top hat. He turned away from the counter with a dramatic flap of his cloak. I rolled my eyes, then laughed at myself. Silver must have been rubbing off on me.

Crystal practically dived on me when she returned to the kitchen. "Isn't he wonderful?" she gushed, shaking me roughly.

"Um... Please let go of my collar..."

"Oh, sorry." She released me. "But seriously though, what do you think?"

"He's a bit old for you, isn't he?" I queried.

"Ten years isn't _that_ much older. I'll be eighteen in June, that's only a month away," Crystal said huffily. "Like _you'd_ know anything about it- age doesn't matter when you're in love, Gold!"

I suppose she had a point. I couldn't very well judge her on falling for an older man when I myself was in an on-off relationship with another guy. "I do _so_ know about it," I said childishly.

"Oh? Well, feel free to leave me in the dark!" Crystal said. She scooted closer to me. "Give me the gossip, then!"

I bit my lip. Was it unnatural for a male to feel such a powerful urge to participate in 'girl-talk'? "I can't," I said, a little regretfully. "He'd kill me if I told you."

"_He!"_ Crystal shrieked gleefully. I could have slapped myself- but a small part of me was glad of my mistake. I'd never had the chance to talk to anyone about my relationship with Silver before- he had forbidden it completely- but Crystal wasn't that close to Silver, in fact she barely knew him. Practically everything she knew about him was learned from me. And Crystal was so unpredictable and zany that anything she might happen to let slip about me and Silver would be taken as meaningless daydreams.

"Oh Gold, you didn't tell me you batted for the other team!" she said delightedly, making me blush. "So when did you start liking men? Has it always been that way?"

"Not _men;_ _a man,"_ I corrected her.

"Who is it?" Crystal asked.

"Guess." If I didn't say right out that Silver and I were 'dating', then if a rumour _did_ happen to form, I could easily dismiss it as Crystal's over-active imagination. Damn, I was clever!

"Wait..." Crystal licked her lips and began to smile. "You're always hanging out with Silver... You talk about him all the time, and now you're _living _with him... I've got it! It's Silver, isn't it?"

I raised my eyebrows and smiled in what I hoped was a mysterious manner. Crystal burst into cackles of glee.

"I knew it! It _is_ Silver!" she cried. "A forbidden love between a clumsy waiter and an antisocial redhead with an anger management problem! It's just like a yaoi manga!" She faked breathlessness, pressing one hand to her chest and using the other to fan herself.

"A _what_ manga?" I frowned. "And I'm _not_ clumsy!"

"You've never heard of a yaoi manga? You've never lived!" Crystal declared, choosing to ignore my indignation. "I'll bring one in for you to read tomorrow. So, so, so? How is it going? Give me all the details!" She leaned in scarily close, practically drooling. I had to push her back to stop her forehead bumping into mine.

"It's okay," I said.

"Just okay?"

"Well, Silver's not really a loving kind of guy, y'know what I mean?" I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck. "Sometimes it's like he just doesn't want it." Make that _all_ the time. I didn't know why I was so readily pouring my heart out to Crystal. But I had a year's worth of hurt and rejection to get off my chest, and she was as good as anyone.

"No! Gold, don't be silly!" Crystal cried. "One of the major rules of yaoi is that they _always_ want it- they just won't admit it!"

"This isn't a manga, Crys," I sighed. "Do you thinking I'm trying to push things too far?"

"I don't know," Crystal said, "but maybe Silver does. You should talk to him about it. Or you could just take things more slowly. Like, try holding hands, then the next day link your fingers together, and then after that you could try kissing his hand... Just let him get used to it, I guarantee it'll work!"

"You _promise?_ I asked worriedly.

"Absolutely," said Crystal decisively. "I read it in a magazine once."

I had to resist the urge to bang my head on the table. But, despite Crystal's illogical reasoning, I found myself drawn to her plan. It was worth a try- it couldn't be worse than my current approach in any case. I _would _try just holding hands; I would try it as soon as I got home from work. I made it through the rest of my shift by daydreaming about what we would do once Silver was accustomed to our relationship. Once or twice Crystal had to elbow me in the ribs and tell me I was making 'a creepy face'.

By the time I had dragged myself back to Goldenrod and up the four flights of stairs to Silver's apartment (why did he have to choose the top floor? _Why?)_ I was thoroughly exhausted and felt fit to drop dead at any moment. But seeing Silver when I spilled through the door was enough to banish my tiredness clean away.

All traces of purple had now gone from his hair, and it was back to his usual dark, almost red, ginger colour. It was still tied back in a ponytail, the way he wore it for work. I liked it like that, too. I liked how it exposed his ears, so I could see how they pointed out a bit at the tips. He didn't look comfortable with his hair back, though. It looked like he had fastened it too tightly, and his hair was tugging at his scalp. I walked over to him and he stood up from where he was sitting on the sofa. My hands linked behind his head and pulled the elastic band away, letting his hair fall past his shoulders. I brushed it with my hands. It seemed so fine and delicate beneath my clumsy fingers.

"I like it this colour best," I murmured. "Don't dye it again, okay?"

Silver didn't say anything. For a moment he looked almost like he was in pain. Then came the inevitable- he pushed me away, though gentler than he would normally do. I stepped back and caught the hand that had pressed against my chest.

I didn't do anything after that. I just held his hand, like Crystal had told me to. Silver's hands were so hard and white and bony, and his knuckles were so pronounced they seemed to be ready to break out of his skin. My own hands were fleshy and soft. I liked how they contrasted.

I waited for Silver to snatch his hand away, but he didn't. He just stood there, staring at where our bodies touched. His jaw was hanging open just a little, and he was breathing shakily through his mouth. Then, slowly, unsteadily, he closed his fingers around mine.

I smiled and let go of his hand. It had worked.

The next day Crystal brought to work one of her famous 'yaoi mangas' for me to study. She thought it might help me, but I wasn't so sure. I thought I should at least give it a try, though. I waited until my break, where I took the book and sneaked into the bathroom, where I locked myself in a cubicle and sat on the toilet tank.

I read the book red-faced, at arms length and with one eye closed. The sex scenes were incredibly graphic, with close-up shots of the more sensitive parts of the male anatomy and enough moans to cover three consecutive pages when strung together. The 'bottom' was a weak, weepy little creature with a face of an exceptionally pretty girl; the 'top' was a manly business worker who was three times the 'bottom's size and who seemed to think that raping someone under the name of 'love' was acceptable.

I skim-read the whole thing in less than ten minutes, and handed it back to Crystal with much enthusiasm, holding the thing between only my thumb and forefinger as I placed it in her open hands.

"Um, Crystal, I think I might have missed something here because... I don't see how this is supposed to help me," I said, eyeing the filthy book as if it was road-kill.

"Why?" she asked seriously, cradling the thing in her arms like a baby. I didn't understand how she could behave so innocently and yet be in possession of something so crude.

"Well, how is raping someone going to get them to love you?" I asked. "That's what it's about, isn't it?"

"No!" said Crystal incredulously. "It's about trying to change yourself for the person you love! See, the seme wants to become a better person for his uke so that their relationship can grow."

"Yeah," I admitted. "But then he forces him to stay locked up in his house and rapes him every day." I was sure I wasn't crazy for thinking that such thins were wrong. Even more stupid was that the 'bottom', or 'uke', or whatever, was so sickeningly _nice_ to his captor, even though he had manipulated and taken him against his will. If I even _tried_ to do that to Silver, I was fairly certain I'd spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair, sucking up my meals through a straw.

Crystal opened her mouth to defend her choice of literature, but then she decided against it. "You have a point there," she said, nodding. "Look, how about I find some tamer ones for you? At least they'll teach you about the sex part, right?"

"I already know about that!" I told her. What did she think I was? I had figured it out _years_ ago, when I was just starting to question my feeling for Silver. I looked up 'gay' on the internet. I probably shouldn't have used Google Images.

"_Really?_" Crystal cooed, waggling her eyebrows. "So have you decided on your roles yet?"

"What does that mean?" I asked. Roles? What roles were there to play during _sex?_ Surely you would just want to be yourself? Or was she talking about those kinky fetishes people had about dressing up as different people while doing it? That was stupid. I didn't want a different person. I just wanted Silver.

She burst out laughing. "Nothing, Gold. Nothing at all."

–

**I'm sure everyone who has read more than a few yaoi mangas will have noticed that there is a _disturbing_ amount of rape involved. I'm all for characters playing a little 'hard-to-get', but when it's full out DO NOT WANT, then it stops being a love story and turns into some horrible, messed-up psychological stew in which the victim develops a form of Stockholm Syndrome that even the writer thinks is love.**

**Stockholm Syndrome: A form of attachment to a captor. For example, take the manga Gold was reading (it's based on an actual manga I read and was disgusted by): the victim in the book would begin to think that since the rapist wanted sex with him, then he must love him, just a little bit.**

**It's a sad cliché that has been used in yaoi for years. I have only seen two cases of full-out rape in manga that turned into love that I didn't mind, and both were cases where the rapist did not think they were raping the person- they were under the impression that the person was a prostitute due to misunderstandings on both parts.**

**Well, rant over! I added Eusine (remember him? The guy who loves Suicune?) to this chapter as Crystal's crush purely because I needed a way for Gold and Crys to get onto the topic of love, but... after writing about them, I've found myself growing to like them! They would be the most eccentric couple in the history of the world.**

**Crystal's sandwich: I had a crab sandwich today. I consider it delicious, but apparently it's an acquired taste. You just have to forget it's a mashed-up crab and you're okay!**

**I'm really on a roll with this story- I thought I wouldn't get this chapter finished as it's so much longer than the others, but I managed it! I've also finally gotten a request as to what to add to the plot, which is a _hideously_ fun idea. I'm looking forward to adding it in next chapter!**

**Sadly there was not much GoldxSilver in this chapter, but I hope to make up for that with the next. Now, before I talk your other ear off, I'd better just beg you for a review! ...Just kidding. I understand that people often just don't want to review _everything_ they read!**


	6. Love and Progress

Gold had been acting strangely recently. Like he could read my mind. He was taking everything so steadily that it was making me a little nervous. It had already been a week, and he hadn't tried to kiss me once without my consent. I would rewind and replay everything in my head, trying to work how just how Gold knew what I wanted and why he was willing to do it, but I failed to come up with anything at all.

The evening after his first working day, he went home to pack a suitcase. As he was unpacking his things in my apartment that night, dividing the drawers and wardrobe into two parts- my half and his half- my heartbeat sped up uncomfortably. It was obvious he was settling in for a long stay. We really were house-sharing (I refused to say 'living together' aloud), and it was like... some of the ambiguity of our relationship had just disappeared. Like we were really committed to each other. I shook my head at the thought. It wasn't just lovers who shared homes, I told myself. Friends did it too. And students.

He had grinned at me so broadly when all his things were packed safely away into my wardrobe and his position in my life was sealed. He came over to me and for one nerve-racking moment I thought he would try kissing me, but he didn't. He just thanked me for letting him stay and walked away.

The next day he tried to pitch in like he'd promised by making dinner. He boiled the pasta so thoroughly that it melted into a white slop that stuck stubbornly to the bottom of the pan. Three more attempts (and three more pans) later, and he had to give up.

"Silver," he whined, nearly in tears. "It's not working."

"For God's sake," I snapped, elbowing him out of the way to the oven and picking up my poor, ruined pans. I threw them into the sink, causing a huge clang. "Can't you do _anything?"_ I wasn't really angry, but I felt that I should at least make an effort to be.

"I'm sorry." Gold hung his head. The dejected look on his face was so utterly pathetic that I couldn't help but smile. I couldn't be mad any more.

"Whatever," I muttered. "You're useless, you know that? Even kids know how to cook pasta. Look, I'll show you."

"Really?" Gold perked up at once. He looked like I'd just announced he'd won the Nobel prize. Such a simple person.

"Yeah, now pay attention, because I'm only going to tell you once." After much scrubbing and swearing, I managed to clean out a used pan well enough to bear food again. I proceeded to teach Gold just how much water to put in the pan according to how much pasta he wanted to cook, and what temperature the gas should be on while cooking. Gold kept such a firm grip on the handle while the pan was on the heat that his knuckles turned white.

"You don't have to do that," I said, nodding at his clenched hands. "It's not going to fly off the heat as soon as you let go. Just make sure the handle is turned in towards the wall, or else you could knock the handle and end up with boiling water all over you." I picked up the microwavable packet of tomato-and-basil pasta sauce and gave it to him. "Here. The instructions are on the packet; even you can handle that."

Gold nodded with the determination of a soldier to his commanding officer- he even saluted- turned and marched across the tiny kitchen to the microwave. I stayed at the oven, making sure the pasta didn't boil over. Two minutes later I frowned and turned my head towards Gold.

"Shouldn't the sauce be ready by now?"

No sooner had those ill-fated words left my lips than from my microwave came an intense _bang. _Gold screamed and covered his ears and I shot over to the counter. That microwave cost me the earth! I had to press the button several times before the door agreed to open. A sickening red slime splattered across the counter as I opened it. The inside of the microwave was also covered in the stuff. I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

"Gold," I hissed. My voice was shaking. "What did you do?"

"It... It said two minutes," Gold squeaked helplessly.

"Yes. But you were supposed to _open_ the packet _first_, you dip-shit," I snarled, almost trembling with anger. How could _anyone _possibly be that _stupid? _

"I-I'll clean it," Gold offered quickly. He bustled over to the already full sink and seized up the dishcloth. "'Scuse." He darted past me and began wiping in vain at the endless sea of tomato sauce. I sighed and went back to scrubbing another pan. It was only when the oven began to hiss that I remembered.

"_Shit!"_ Because of Gold's stupid mistake, I had forgotten all about the pasta! I hurried over to the spitting pan and tried to salvage what was left of the contents, but it was too late. We were left with another melted batch of pasta on our hands. Gold saw me glaring at the floor and clenching my fists. He shuffled over to me.

"It's not _that_ bad," he tried. "We could still eat it, without the sauce..."

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled. Gold watched me forlornly for a minute, then walked out of the kitchen. I thought he'd go and sulk in front of the TV, but he didn't. Instead I heard the door open, then close. I pretended not to hear, but after a while my curiosity got the better of me.

"Gold?" I called. "Oi! Are you there?" I walked out into the hallway. "Oi!" But he was gone. I rolled me eyes. What did he think he was doing? It was all his fault in the first place, who was he to go off in a huff? I went into the living room and sat down heavily on the sofa and switched on the TV. Anything to take my mind off the depressing amount of washing up I'd have to do later.

I watched an episode of _The Simpsons._ And another. But the time the third one started, I was feeling almost worried, though I couldn't see why. What if Gold didn't come back...? I laughed bitterly at the thought. If that was the case, then he'd just be proving my suspicions right. I just hadn't expected it to happen so soon, that was all.

I turned up the volume on the television to block out my thoughts.

An hour later, Gold came in. I jumped when I heard the door open, but refused to move from where I was. I put on my nonchalant face. "Where have you been?" I called, not moving my eyes from the TV screen. Gold appeared in the doorway, holding a white plastic bag.

"I can do _some_ things right, Silver," he said, smiling with one eyebrow raised. Turned out, he had gone to Olivine City and got us fish and chips before the shops closed. "They're cold now, of course, but we can heat them up again.

I felt my face turn red, ashamed of myself for getting so stressed out and paranoid over nothing. Thinking about it, it wouldn't have mattered even if Gold _hadn't_ come back. I wasn't going to lose any sleep over _him,_ no chance, no way.

We reheated the chips in the microwave. The sauce had dried and clung to the sides and ceiling, meaning none of it got on our food. We ate in front in the living room, watching the rest of the _Simpsons_ marathon. Gold liked to eat tomato ketchup sandwiches with his chips. I thought it was disgusting, but he said I wasn't one to talk because I liked curry dip with mine.

I couldn't finish my fish, but luckily I now resided with the human vacuum cleaner. Gold finished all of his meal, then the scraps of mine, _and_ used up half my loaf of bread. He wasn't a skinny guy, but it was surprising he wasn't twice the size he was with the way he ate more than most _families_ did.

I picked up the remote lazily and flicked the TV onto stand-by. We sat back on the sofa. It was only just eight o'clock, but I was so full and so exhausted from work and our cooking fiasco that I was already getting sleepy. My eyelids were drooping and my head lolled to one side to lean on my shoulder. It took me a while to realise that Gold was touching my hand.

I was too tired to pull away, so I let him keep his hand there on mine. After a while he shifted and entwined our fingers. My mind was foggy and the whole situation was very vague, looking back, but I remember wondering if it was uncomfortable for Gold. My hands were a lot bigger than his.

I forced my eyes open a crack to look at his face. His eyes were closed, and he might have been sleeping, but he still wore a contented smile on his face.

"Gold, are you awake?" I whispered. He didn't respond. I let my eyes close again. "I'm sorry." I hadn't intended for him to hear, but I felt a squeeze on my hand and knew he had been listening to my every word. He began to stroke the side of my forefinger with his thumb. I think he didn't want me to forget that we were connected. What an idiot. I knew I should pull away, but I was so tired and the way Gold was stroking my hand was so soothing and I could feel the warmth of his body beside me and it was so relaxing and maybe I should just close my eyes, just for a second...

When I woke up I was freezing cold and had a horrible ache in my neck and there was something heavy leaning against me, making my arm go numb. I groaned and tried to shove Gold away from me, only to find that we were still holding hands. I tried to jerk my hand away, but just ended up yanking Gold's arm and waking him up.

He looked at me, dreamy-eyed and still half asleep, and smiled lightly. He raised my hand to his lips and left a trail of kisses down from my knuckle to the tip of my middle finger. I opened my mouth to snap at him, but the words refused to come. Instead, I just stared at him. He raised his eyes. They were so filled with love and sheer happiness at the fact that I hadn't pulled back that I had to look away. Gold carried on looking at me. Even when he took the end of my finger into his mouth.

I gasped when I felt Gold's tongue touch my skin. I couldn't even snatch my hand away. My body was frozen stiff, though my face was horribly hot, and I couldn't move an inch if I tried. I had to stay there and let Gold's wet tongue caress my finger. When he pulled back after what felt like forever (but was probably only a few seconds), he swallowed and glanced up at me nervously.

"Silver?"

His voice snapped me out of my trance and I tore my hand out of his. Shamefully, I was panting like I had just run a marathon and my heart was pounding fit to burst. My skin was still wet with Gold's saliva, and I wiped it furiously on my shirt. I wondered why I wasn't punching Gold's stupid head into the ground. He certainly deserved it.

Then I looked at the clock on the mantle-piece and swore.

The next day, as if to make up for his bold move, Gold didn't try to touch me at all. Instead of kissing my cheek before setting off to work, he simply waved and blew me the kiss instead as he hurried out the door. I didn't understand it.

I told Blue about it (missing out certain details) at work that day, during our break. She smiled and shook her head at me.

"See! What did I tell you. I knew she'd understand," she said. I didn't bother trying to explain any further. I knew it wouldn't make any difference.

Then the manager started screaming for Blue to finish stocking the shelves. Blue leaped to her feet in such a rush that she accidentally spilled the entire contents of her juice bottle over my head, and I had to spend the rest of the day feeling sticky from my head to my back.

When I got back home I headed straight for the bathroom, cursing Blue and everything else under the sun. My hair was plastered to my forehead and my shirt was sticking to my back. I peeled it off and dumped it on the floor. I'd tidy it away later, before Gold came in.

With a disgruntled sigh, I opened the door of the bathroom.

And there was Gold, stood in front of the mirror with his back turned to me, completely naked except for the towel round his waist. He saw my gaping reflection in the mirror and turned around, smiling.

"Hi, Silver," he said, completely un-fazed.

I could feel my face turning a horrible, _horrible_ tomato red. I was doing my goldfish impression as I tried in vain to find something to yell at him, but with him being half-naked and still wet from the shower, all I could manage was a strangled cry. I stumbled back and slammed the bathroom door as hard as I could. It was far easier to speak when I couldn't see him.

"_Idiot!_ What the hell do you think you're doing?" I screamed, kicking the door and pretending it was Gold. The handle began to turn, and I grabbed it and held it tight. "Why are you even here?"

"I get to leave early on a Friday, I _told _you, Silver," Gold wailed. "Let me out!"

"Put some clothes on, have some fucking decency!" I shouted back, ignoring his knocking.

"I can't, they're out there!" Gold said. "I can't stay in here forever!"

"You can and will," I hissed.

"Fine then," Gold said huffily. "Hey, I need a shave, do you mind if I use your razor?"

"Yes, I do mind!"

"What was that Silver? I can use it? Thanks!"

I started kicking the door again, cursing. Eventually I had to give up- I had gained nothing but a sore throat and dents in the bottom of the bathroom door. I sighed, defeated. "Fine, fine," I said. "I'm going for a walk, and when I get back you'd better be out of there and dressed. And if I find out you used my razor I'll kill you, got it?"

"You're leaving the flat while I get dressed? Silver, you don't need to be so shy!" Gold sang teasingly. I hammered on the door with my fist.

"Shut up! This never happened, okay?" I spat. Slowly, I let go of the door handle. I kept one eye closed, suspecting that Gold might open the door right away just to annoy me. I backed away slowly, thankful that the bathroom was directly across from the front door, meaning I didn't have to make any turns. I felt my back hit the door and I quickly felt for the handle.

"I'm going out now," I said loudly, opening the door. When I got back Gold was drying his hair in the living room. I ignored him., and the first thing I did was to go to the bathroom and check if Gold had used my razor. He hadn't, which should have been unsurprising. He barely had any facial hair in the first place, just a few bristles on his chin and upper lip. After all, he was still only seventeen. He was still just a kid.

I looked in the mirror and jumped when I saw Gold standing in the doorway. He hung his towel over the drying rack (I didn't have a radiator) and walked over to me, smiling. I turned around quickly, and he stood so close to me that we were almost touching.

He raised his head. I held my breath as his lips came to hover over mine, and his warm breath began to tickle me face. He looked at me with big, hopeful eyes.

"Can I?" he whispered.

It was the first time he had asked my permission to kiss me. It was embarrassing. I averted my eyes, feeling my cheeks light up. What was I supposed to say?

In the end, I didn't say anything.

I simply nodded.

–

**I was watching some AMVs on youtube the other day (I know! I'm lame! I don't care!) and the song 'I won't say I'm in love' from _Hercules_ popped up and I was reminded completely of Silver! It's like it was made for him! He's such a jerk, but I love him anyway...**

**The scene with Silver walking in on Gold was a request from 'Random, and I really liked writing it! I liked writing the rest of the chapter too, of course- Gold and Silver are really like a couple even though Silver won't admit it! The image of them having an argument, then making up and falling asleep together was just too heart-warming not to do.**

**On another note, I was bored yesterday and so I checked out and researched Gold and Silver's personality types. Silver is obviously Tsundere (harsh on the outside, gentle on the inside), whereas Gold is more of a 'Stupid best friend' type!**

**For more of Gold and Silver's misadventures, tune in next chapter!**


	7. Love and Happiness

Silver went the the gym on Saturday mornings, which meant that I got the bed for a whole two hours from seven 'til nine. After a week of sleeping on a lumpy sofa, it was _heaven. _The blankets and pillows held the smell of expensive cologne and really cheap shampoo. I tipped the pillow on it's side and cuddled up to it, inhaling deeply and pretending it was Silver. I fell asleep pretending, and only woke up when I heard the Silver open the front door.

I rolled out of bed and quickly smoothed out the duvet as best I could. Then I shot across the room and started fumbling through the wardrobe, pretending to be looking for a shirt to wear. Silver walked in and gave me a funny look.

"What were you doing?" he asked.

"Hm?" I turned to look at him, my head tilted in confusion. "Looking for my clothes."

He didn't look completely convinced, but he didn't pursue the matter. I instead he stood in front of the window, watching the city come alive below as he brushed his hair briefly with his fingers. I crept up behind him and pressed the flat of my hand against the small of his back.

Silver's fingers froze, tangled in his mop of red hair. He carried on staring out of the window, though his eyes were bulging and his eyebrows had raised about an inch on his forehead.

"It's okay," I said quietly. "I won't do anything." Silver blushed then, a bright cherry red, and jerked his head away. His breathing was shaky, almost as if he was scared. But he didn't jump away, and he didn't push me back.

"I promise I won't do anything." I had to reassure him. I had to be slow and gentle. Approaching Silver was like approaching a wild deer; one false step, one wrong move and he would run for the hills.

I wanted to touch him more, to stroke his bare skin, press the dimples above him bottom, lower my hand and squeeze... I had to bite my lip. I couldn't let myself get carried away! Silver was already so embarrassed, if I pushed him any further I don't think he'd forgive me in a hurry. I had to move my hand away before I started thinking with something other than my head, and Silver breathed a sigh of relief when I did.

Over a minute later he was still breathing heavily, and I couldn't help but feel a little upset. Silver didn't react like that to anyone else touching him. I'd seen Blue go right up and hug him once or twice, on his birthday and at Christmas, and he hadn't tensed up or blushed at all. I was the only one who affected him so badly. It was only me. Why was it only me? Did he really harbour that little trust in me?

I wanted to make him more comfortable around me. That was why I had to go slowly, despite my wanting more.

Crystal had brought in a whole stack of yaoi mangas in for me to 'study' on Thursday, and since then I had been trying desperately to hide them from Silver, reading them while locked in the bathroom or late at night when he was sure to be asleep. I could read them with both eyes open now- as well as my nose almost glued to the page. It worried me to think that I was getting used to seeing such things, and even _enjoying_ them. Though it pained me to say it, once I emerged from the unnervingly large amount of rape-love, I found that some of the stories were actually pretty good.

I was fairly certain by now that I had a more-or-less accurate idea on how to do 'it' with another guy... Not that I was eager to rush into anything, of course. I finally understood what Crystal had meant by 'roles' and was a little unsure about it. From what I had read- and I'd read more than any seventeen-year-old _male_ should have- it was a given that the shorter of the pair would be 'bottom'. I was eleven inches shorter than Silver, that was almost an entire _foot,_ but I was also heavier. Plus there were all other factors to consider, such as where to kiss and touch. Silver would hate me if I played with his body the way people did to each other in Crystal's mangas.

Wait, why was I even _thinking_ about this?! True, I was at 'that age' and my hormones were raging all over the place, but I wasn't so horny that I was going to jump the gun with Silver. I would happily live in celibacy if he were to tell me he loved me, just once. He'd hit me if I told him that, but it was totally true!

I touched him again the next day in that same place on the small of his back. He gasped at first, but after a moment or two he relaxed against me. He wouldn't look at me, but it was something. I wasn't the only one making an effort, I realised. Silver was trying to get used to the idea of us being more than friends, even if he wasn't entirely comfortable with it. Even if he wasn't very _good_ at it. I started grinning like an idiot.

"W-W-What's so funny?" Silver glared at me. He was stuttering like an old engine, and his face was bright red. So cute. I moved my hand down to rest against his bottom. Not only did Silver immediately turn his head away, but he brought up his hands to hide his face as well. Did he hate it, or was he just being shy? I could never be sure.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He didn't reply for a very long time. My hand was still resting on his rear, and I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if he whirled around and punched me in the face as soon as he came to his senses and regained control of his body. But he shocked me by saying, "Yeah. I'm fine."

"D'you want me to stop?"

Another long pause. Then he nodded jerkily. "Yeah," he whispered. I stepped away from him, looking at the floor. Things had suddenly gotten very awkward.

"Sorry," I mumbled. Silver glanced at me for a second, then outstretched his hand, hesitantly, and lightly touched the top of my head. He managed to give my hair a nervous sort of ruffle before snatching his hand back, embarrassed by his own actions. I smiled up at him, relieved, and in return he scowled and stormed out, claiming he needed some air.

As soon as I was certain he was out of earshot, I full-out _squealed _and collapsed on the sofa, rolling from side to side and hugging one of the cushions. I didn't care than I was acting like a stupid, lovesick teenager, because heck, I _was_ a stupid, lovesick teenager, and even a tiny display of affection was enough to make me dizzy. I knew I was being silly, and that Silver's actions didn't have to _mean_ anything, but I didn't want to dwell on that. I was happy, happy happy, and I didn't want to spoil it!

I didn't try to touch him again for the rest of the day. It was better to go slow and steady rather than try to force leaps and bound, that's what Mom always used to say. I just made sure to tell him I loved him. I didn't want him thinking that I only wanted him for his body! But still, I couldn't help thinking that what I felt for Silver could be expressed through words alone. Our relationship was ambiguous, not what anyone would call a loving, stable connection, and I couldn't help but long for some kind of intimacy with him that would confirm that weren't just friends. I wasn't going to rush Silver, but if I didn't take the initiative, _he_ certainly wasn't going to. I couldn't help but feel that Silver would happily stay as we were forever, and though I was trying to hold myself back, it was getting more difficult to do every day.

On Monday, just before setting off for work I spied Silver leaning over the kitchen table scribbling down on a scrap of paper a quick list of things he needed to pick up on his way back from Goldenrod Department Store. I walked over to him and put my arms round his waist. He stiffened, and I was disappointed, though I had no right to be. I had already known he would react like that.

"What are you doing?" he asked slowly.

"I'm setting off soon," I told him. Around his shoulder I looked at his list and wrinkled my nose in disdain. "Get Coco Pops or Frosties or something _nice_ instead muesli, would you?"

"Shut up," Silver said absent-mindedly, swatting me away.

"See you later." Silver didn't turn around to say goodbye back; he merely grunted in acknowledgement. I stuck my tongue out at his back, annoyed. I stepped up behind him and put my hands on his hips. He flinched, but only for a second, and continued to ignore me. This only worsened my mood, and I moved my hands to his rear and squeezed, hard.

Silver gasped so loudly I was surprised his lungs didn't explode, and there was a horrible _crack_ as he pressed down too hard with the pencil he was writing with and snapped all the lead. He spun around, fists clenched, mouth open, ready to have a good rant and rave, but I had grabbed my coat and was out of the door before he could even utter one syllable.

I practically dived on Crystal when I met up with her just before the cafe opened.

"He let me squeeze his butt!" I cried.

"_What?"_ Crystal beamed, showing her all teeth, which were stained purple from her grape-flavoured sweets. She grabbed my hands in delight, and I picked her up round her middle and spun her around.

Alan was furious when he emerged from the kitchen to find we hadn't put the 'open' sign on the door because we were in fits of laughter. He said no more laughing or else he'd fire us, because our laughs were annoying and might disturb the customers. I had to agree that Crystal's high-pitched shrieking _was_ a bit much, but she was indignant and defended our right to bray like donkeys if it pleased us.

Despite my current happiness, I wasn't exactly looking forward to getting in at six o'clock and facing Silver's inevitable wrath. But as fate would have it, he had other things to throw tantrums over by that time. Namely, upon reaching the shop checkout he had discovered that I had 'borrowed' the money I had used to pay for our fish and chips last week from his wallet. Well, what was I suppose to do? I hadn't yet received a pay check for my work at Olivine Cafe, and I didn't have any money on me at the time. I had been meaning to get the money and slip it back into his wallet before he noticed it was gone, but had forgotten all about it.

"You _stole_ my freakin' money!" Silver was in full-on rant mode, and there was no stopping him once he got like that. I had no choice but to hang my head and take my just desserts, but matter how bitter they were.

"Borrowed," I said meekly. "I borrowed it. I'll pay you back, I promise."

"Oh, and that makes everything perfectly fine!" Silver said sarcastically, throwing his hands up in the air. "Do you have _any_ idea how _embarrassed_ I was? I'm at the checkout ready to leave, _ten people_ behind me, and suddenly I discover I don't have enough money to pay for what I'm buying!"

"I'm sorry," I said, a hint of a whine in my voice.

"Oh God, don't you dare start feeling sorry for yourself! _You_ weren't the one who had to put up with some smarmy old git of a manager giving you a lecture on sensible shopping for twenty minutes with half the shop watching," Silver said huffily. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration and stormed out into the living room. Seconds later I heard the intro music to _Goldeneye_ for the N64. I guessed Silver was going to burn out his anger by killing enemy soldiers for a few hours.

"So what did you buy?" I asked, opening the fridge and looking inside. It still looked depressingly empty.

"Stuff," Silver snapped above the stutter of machine gunfire. I could hear him swearing and whispering 'die, die, die' at the TV screen. I shook my head. And Silver called _me_ childish.

I opened the top cupboard and smiled. Instead of muesli occupying the shelf, there now sat a bright yellow box of Coco Pops.

–

**I couldn't help but add a rare moment where Silver actually lets his soft spot for Gold show at the end of the chapter. He probably had to give back a lot of the things he was buying to the shop, seeing as he didn't have the money to pay for them, but he didn't give up the Coco Pops because Gold wanted them...**

**Oh, I just noticed something! I mentioned that Silver goes to the gym on Saturday mornings, so I'd better clarify that this is a fitness gym and not a Pokemon gym! He's got to keep himself skinny somehow, right?**

**Yesterday my curiosity got the better of me and I entered Gold and Silver's information into the quiz on to see if they're, well, seme or uke (though I hate the stereotypes, it's a fun quiz!). I answered according to their personalities in this story. Their results?** **Gold: Clueless Uke.**

**Silver: Don't-Fuck-With-Me Seme.**

**Isn't it strange how the violent, moody types are seen as semes and the cute, simple-minded types are seen as ukes? Even though it's the complete opposite in this story! Also, they are one hundred percent _in_compatible. But for some reason, that makes me want love them even more... Must keep rooting for the impossible!**


	8. Love and Sleep

On Tuesday it rained. Heavily. All day. Wednesday was no better, and by evening the water was dripping through the ceiling of my flat, making brown patches on the carpet in my living room. I had to move my TV and N64 into a closet to stop them getting wet and short-circuiting. There were pots and pans all through the hallway and the the front room, which Gold had placed in an effort to catch the droplets. Unfortunately, he had tripped over more than one and the floor wasn't spared the damage.

I had phoned the management in a rage as soon as I came home from work and found my apartment had converted into an aquarium. I had a long rant at the secretary, who didn't sound much older than twenty, about false advertising and how I had not been informed that my house was a plan for a fucking mould museum. She started crying before I was even halfway through my enthusiastic speech and asked tearfully if I wanted to speak to the person in charge. I told her it was about fucking time, all set to give whoever had the nerve to sell me this crap apartment in the first place. While I was at it, I thought I'd say how the agent oh-so _conveniently_ forgot to tell me that the place was ridden with damp, too.

But the manager was having none of it. She obnoxiously talked over my raving, telling me primly that the ceiling capacity was mentioned in the papers, and it was my own problem if I hadn't bothered to research what capacity was 'resistant to copious amounts of rainwater', because I had accepted it when I'd signed the contract. She went on to 'helpfully' ask why I thought the place was so cheap in the first place- like I was some kind of idiot! I slammed the phone down so hard that the back cover fell apart and the batteries clattered to the floor. I swept the pieces up with my bare hands, swearing up a storm. Then I accidentally cut my left hand on the plastic shards and bled all over the kitchen tiles.

No sooner had I wrapped my throbbing hand in kitchen roll than there was a knock on the door. And oh joy, Mrs Bellamy from next door complaining about my 'obscene behaviour' and honestly, kids these days and their rotten language, and did I know that when she was young children were meant to be seen and not heard?

"Thanks for that, Mrs Bellamy, really." I had to interrupt. "I'm just going to go and hang myself now, so there might be a bang when I kick the chair over; but at least then you won't have to put up with my foul-mouthed lunacy. Good night." And I shut the door right in her gaping face.

I stalked off into my bedroom, which mercifully, along with the bathroom and parts of the kitchen, had been spared from the downpour. I sat down on my bed with my head in my hands and sighed. If I was a weaker person, I'd definitely be crying with frustration. How could my day possibly get any worse.

I heard the bathroom door unlock and open. For a moment I seriously considered carrying out my 'commit suicide' plan. What was I just saying about about things not getting any worse? Well. They just got worse.

Gold crept nervously over to me and sat down beside me on the bed. I purposely shifted away from him. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his bratty behaviour, and if I was being honest, I was just damn pissed off and wanted to hurt something. Gold looked down at his lap. I couldn't see his face, but I wondered if he was pouting. Probably.

He didn't fool me. He wasn't doing anything in the bathroom. He was hiding in there, waiting for me to stop my screaming session. Hearing my silence, he had obviously thought it was safe to come out. I'd have preferred it if he'd stayed in there. I'd just broken the record for the worst day of the year, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to face Gold without snapping at him.

He didn't say anything like I'd expected him to. He just shuffled back onto the bed, and positioned himself behind me, the bed dipping as he did so. I gasped and hunched up when I felt his hands touch the back of my neck.

"Sorry," he said, laughing nervously. He blew into his hands to warm them up. Then he touched the back of my neck again, and this time I was expecting it and didn't seize up. His fingers pressed into the tightened muscles of my neck and shoulders, rubbing away the tension. I felt myself relaxing. I let my head fall back, leaning on his shoulder, and he scooted closer to me and wrapped his left arm around me, using his right to keep him propped up. His hand found the muscles at the right side of my neck and he massaged it gently. I let my eyes close so that all I knew was the warmth and security of Gold behind me, his hand at my collarbone, his breath on my ear, and his scent... was he using _my _body spray? I was too far gone to care.

"D'you like that, Silver?" he asked. I detected a trace of amusement in his voice, and it was only then that I noticed it. I was moaning. A quiet, breathy, 'ohh...' noise. I leaped to my feet instantly, clamping my hands over my traitorous mouth. How could I...? And he heard. He _heard. _I stormed out of the room, humiliated.

I avoided him best I could for the rest of the night. By eleven I was sprawled out on my bed, feeling satisfied that I had managed to keep any more awkward situations involving Gold away for the rest of the day. I frowned suddenly as I noticed something. I couldn't hear any snoring. Gold always, without fail, snored loud enough to wake a graveyard made specially for deaf people. I sat up- and nearly had a heart attack. Gold was stood in the doorway, hunched over and looking very sorry for himself.

He tiptoed over to me. "Can I sleep with you?" he asked.

"No!" I said incredulously. He might as well have asked me if I wanted to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower. Except that wouldn't have made me blush so much.

"But the sofa's wet," he whined. "I tried to sleep on it but it's uncomfortable and smells funny."

"It's probably just you," I muttered, laying back down and turning onto my side, my back facing him.

"Can I at least sleep on the floor?" he begged. "I'll catch a cold if I sleep in the living room."

"You can sleep in the bath."

I could sense him hesitating. "W-Well," he said. He couldn't hide his disappointment. "Okay, then..."

He began to trail out of the room, walking as lightly as he could so he wouldn't disturb me further. "Do you want me to close the door or leave it open?" he asked innocently. Oh God. Damn him for giving me a conscience! He had no right to make me feel bad. It was _my_ apartment, it was _my _room, it was _my _bed. I wasn't obliged to share it with him. But still.

I coughed loudly. Then I reached out and knocked my alarm clock off the chest of drawers and onto the floor, making a tuneful clang. Seconds later I heard Gold slide back and pick it up, like I knew he would. I'd seen him give his umbrella to a mother who was struggling with a child who was throwing a tantrum because the rain was making her clothes stick and rub her skin. He ended up looking like a drowned rat. I'd seen him give his bus ticket to an old man who had forgotten his wallet and had no money to pay for his own. He walked five miles to get home. He was always helping people. Always, always, and never expecting reward. He was an idiot. You wouldn't get anywhere in life by being _nice._ You had to be ruthless, or the real world would eat you alive.

I waited until I was certain he was looking at me. Then I cleared my throat and shuffled along in my bed so that half of the mattress was left vacant. Gold didn't respond, and I hated him for it. Why did he have to make things more embarrassing than they already were? I grunted in annoyance and whipped back the corner of the duvet. Finally he got it, and slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, perching there like a bird.

"You going to sit there all night or are you going to go to sleep?" I snapped, my voice muffled as I hid my face in my pillow.

"Oh, y-yeah." Gold laughed stupidly and laid himself down beside me. His back was touching mine. I moved away as far as I could, until my body was pressed flat against the wall. I only had a single bed (why would I have bought one for two people?), and Gold wasn't exactly skinny. I couldn't curl my legs up with him behind me in such close proximity, so my feet were sticking out the bottom of the bed and getting damn cold.

It took me a long time to relax. I wondered if Gold would try to put his arm around my waist, seeing as we were lying side by side.

"Don't push your luck," I told him sternly before he could even try it.

"I wasn't going to," Gold replied.

And he didn't. Still, I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing Gold was lying right next to me. I could hear the steady hiss of his breathing and feel were the bed dipped down behind me where he lay. I couldn't help noticing that he wasn't snoring. Maybe because he was lying on his side instead of on his back. He didn't have so much weight pressing down on his chest.

"Night, Silver," he whispered, yawning. That made me yawn too. I was suddenly exhausted. The whole horrible day had sucked all the life out of me. I closed my eyes...

When I woke up I was facing Gold. He must have turned over in the night, too, because he was also facing me. Our foreheads were touching and I could feel his breath on my face. I barely cared when I first opened my eyes. But then I woke up properly and nearly jumped out of my skin. My arms shot out to shove him away. The force of my push threw my body back so that I hit the back of my head against the wall, and Gold was sent rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a thud.

He woke up with a scream. "What is it? What's wrong?" he cried, struggling to his feet and looking around, expecting danger. When he saw there was none, he looked at me, wide-eyed and confused. He really had no idea.

I was sat up and pressed flat against the wall by now, glaring at Gold with venom. My heart was like a jack-hammer in my chest, threatening to break out altogether, and I was breathing like I'd just run a marathon. It took me a while before I could gather myself together enough to speak.

"Your face is the last thing I want to see first thing in the morning," I grumbled, getting up and walking out without looking at him.

That morning before work, I dragged the sofa out of the soaked living room and into the much dryer kitchen, next to the boiler. I almost broke my back in the process, but I needed it to dry off as soon as possible so I could kick Gold out of my room. Unfortunately, it was still damp after a whole day by the heat, and I ended up having to share my bed again.

I tried to keep my distance, but that was very difficult in a single bed. I was hunched up against the wall, but tonight Gold was facing my back instead of turning away from me, making things very awkward. We hadn't been lying down for more than five minutes before I felt his arm snaking around my waist and pulling me against him.

I didn't pull away, but that was because there was no room to, and because I was tired and couldn't be bothered, and because pushing him away would probably result in him falling out of the bed. I _could_ have pushed him away. I just didn't feel like doing so.

I fell asleep surprisingly quickly. I didn't know why, but for some reason Gold's arms around me felt almost comforting. It had been so long since someone had held me like this. I had forgotten what it felt like, the security and warmth of having someone there to protect you as you slept. I went to sleep feeling safe, forgetting that the greatest danger was the very person holding onto me.

I decided I didn't mind Gold hugging me at night, when I was half-asleep and not fully aware. For the following two nights we slept like that, me facing the wall and Gold facing my back with his arm around my middle. I was barely conscious when it happened, so I could pretend I wasn't aware of it. I acted as much, faking shock when I woke up to find him holding me close. The sofa was still a little soggy, so I had an excuse to let him stay with me in my bed. Though Gold claimed it would suffice, I shot down his idea with ice. A lot of use he would be moping around with a cold, I told him.

On the third night, as Gold went to put his arm around me like he had done the previous three nights, I turned over abruptly so that I was facing him when he hugged me.

"Idiot!" I snapped, as his forehead pressed against my chest instead of my back. "What are you _doing?"_

"Sorry!" said Gold. "You were the one who turned over all of a sudden. Here." He withdrew his arm, giving me the chance to turn back.

"Whatever," I muttered. "I'm already this way now, I'm too tired to move back. My right side of sore from lying on it for three nights in a row, too. Am I not allowed to sleep this way?"

"W-Well, from the way you said it, I thought you didn't want..." Gold trailed off. Then, uncertainly, he wrapped his arm around me again. I squirmed half-heartedly before giving in and grudgingly consenting to his display of affection.

"Maybe you want to hold me, too?" Gold had to try.

"Screw you," I said grumpily. It was hard to convince him I was really angry when he was cuddled up against my chest and my chin was leaning on top of his head. He lifted his head and planted a kiss on my collarbone. I couldn't help but let out a little yelp. What was he thinking, kissing such a place? I was almost glad of our awkward position so that he couldn't see my burning cheeks.

"I love you, Silver," he whispered just before he settled down to sleep.

"Yeah, I know," I said. I had to turn my head away.

The next day, the couch was dry. The rain had stopped, too, so together Gold and I dragged it back into the living room.

"I guess you won't have to put up with me taking up all the room in your bed now," Gold said sheepishly, though he looked disappointed. Well, of course _he_ did. I couldn't care less. The longer he stayed sleeping with me the more likely he was to start thinking with his dick and not his lame excuse for a brain.

It felt like forever since I had been able to stretch out properly in my bed. My feet were no longer forced to stay sticking out the bottom of the duvet, either. And I didn't have to put up with Gold's sleep-kicking or his restrictive hugs. I sighed with content and closed my eyes.

An hour later, I was still wide awake. Two hours. Nothing had changed. It was now well past midnight, and though I didn't have work the following day, I didn't fancy ending up grumpier than I already was due to lack of sleep. What the hell was _wrong_ with me? I'd had my tea to help me sleep, and I'd never really suffered from insomnia before. So why was it so damn difficult to even close my eyes?

I pushed myself up against the wall and wrapped my arms around myself. It wasn't the same. Letting out a cry of frustration, I picked up my alarm clock and hurled it across the room. It smashed against the wardrobe and fell apart in a pile of springs and plastic on the floor.

Less than a minute later, Gold burst in. Obviously.

"What was that?" he said, panicking.

I opened my mouth to reply, but found there was nothing to say. Why had I done that? Probably because I was tired and damn pissed off that I couldn't get to sleep, and taking my anger out on my clock had seemed like a fair plan. I glared at him for a moment before turning over so my back was to him.

I shuffled over in my bed so that I was up against the wall, and kicked the duvet down. Seconds later I felt the mattress go down and the bed-springs creak. Gold laid down next to me and pulled the covers back up. He wrapped his arm around my middle.

I shook him off. "I never said you could do that," I hissed.

"Should I go?" he asked innocently.

I paused. "Whatever," I murmured. "Do whatever you like."

And his arm went around me again.

–

**My favourite part of this chapter was describing Silver's horrible day! He handles it so badly, I can't help but take amusement in his pain! The idea of him moaning when Gold was giving him a massage was so cute, I just had to put it in. Partly because I wanted Silver to get embarrassed. But you know I love to make my characters suffer! Not too much, though.**

**Despite everything, Silver is _still_ denying everything. You know you've got it bad when you can't sleep without someone. Seriously.**

**Thanks for reading this far! Things have been going pretty smoothly (well, as smoothly as _their_ relationship can go) so far, but I want to shake things up a bit soon.**


	9. Love and Dreams

Silver had gone very quiet. I think he was finally asleep. I propped myself up using my elbow and leaned over so that I could see his face, making sure. He was huddled up, his hair falling over his face. I reached out and brushed a few of the stray strands away so that I could see his face properly, and smiled amusedly when I saw he had the tip of his thumb in his mouth. Silver, who would be twenty years old next year, who had once won a five-against-one punch out, who could make small children cry just by looking at them, still sucked his thumb in his sleep. Though of course he'd deny it if I ever brought it up.

I laid back down, squirming slightly. There really wasn't much room in a single bed for two grown men (well, I _would_ be a man legally in less than a month!), and I was getting a bit too hot. I slid the duvet down to my waist, and Silver twitched in his sleep. I sighed and pulled the covers back up. You'd have thought with the temperature he usually kept his apartment that he _liked_ the cold.

"The things I do for you," I whispered, smiling. I gently tugged the back of his loose T-shirt down and kissed him on the back. Silver usually wore just his boxer shorts to sleep in, but since I had muscled in on his territory of the bed, he had taken to wearing old T-shirts as well. I didn't see why. It wasn't like I could see his body under the duvet. But then I couldn't complain- I had to sleep in my clothes for the following day, seeing as I had to get up so early for work and couldn't afford to waste time getting dressed.

I raised my head to whisper against his ear. "I love you." Then I dipped my head and kissed the side of his neck. Silver made a little 'mmm' noise and wriggled. He stretched out his neck to one side, and I swallowed. It was like he was offering me his nape, begging me to kiss that too.

But I couldn't do that. To take advantage of Silver while he slept would be wrong. I loved him but I wasn't going to stoop to that level just to get some affection out of him. It wouldn't mean anything if he wasn't fully awake and aware.

Instead, I closed my eyes and pretended he _was_ awake and wanted it anyway. I fell asleep pretending, and the fantasy continued in my dreams.

"Gold, I love you..." Silver was breathless. His face was flushed and his lips red and swollen from my kisses. He looked at me with heavy-lidded eyes, panting. "I love you..." He pulled me closer to him and we rolled over on the bed so that he was leaning over me. He started kissing me, sliding his wet tongue into my mouth. I moaned and raised my hands to tangle in his hair, tugging as he nibbled on my lower lip.

"Touch me," he begged softly. Kneeling over me, he took my hands in his and moved them down to grip his thighs. "Please."

I pulled his hips down against mine and rubbed against him, making him gasp with pleasure. I flipped him over so that I was on top, and started kissing and sucking up his neck.

"Gold, I want you." Silver sounded desperate.

"Sil, you've got me," I whispered in his ear before flicking the lobe teasingly with my tongue. Silver suddenly turned aggressive, his need for pleasure too strong. His hands went down and started to roughly unzip my jeans.

"I want you to make love to me."

And, oh God, I wanted to make love to him too. I wanted to be on him, in him, to make him mine. Everything went hazy, and I was getting hot, so hot I thought I would die. I couldn't make out anything any more, and the whole world was a blur except for Silver, whose face and body I could see clearly in front of me. Nothing existed any more except us. I wanted to hold him forever. I loved him. I loved him so much...

When I woke up I was horribly hot and sweaty, and drooling all over my pillow. It took me a while for my mind to register everything. Then I sighed. It wasn't the first time I'd had a dirty dream about Silver, and they had been getting more and more graphic ever since Crystal had shared her 'wisdom' with me. The only thing to do would be to change my clothes and shower before Silver...

Oh no.

Silver.

Sitting up, I slowly turned my head to look at him. I nearly fainted with relief when I saw he was still asleep. Then I began to panic. What was I going to do? I carefully lifted the duvet up and folding it back, cringing when I saw the stains. Oh God, how embarrassing. Silver was going to kill me when he found out. _If_ he found out.

I got out of bed extremely warily, making sure not to make any sudden movements that would risk waking Silver up. I turned back to him with a pained frown on my face. How was I supposed to get rid of the evidence with him in the bed? I taking a deep breath, I decided to risk everything I had by using a trick I learned on TV.

"Silver!" I screamed as loudly as I could. Silver leaped a foot in the air and landed down on the mattress with a bounce. He screamed almost as loudly as I did. It would have been funny if the situation weren't so serious. "It's nuclear war! Get out of bed, hurry, hurry!" I grabbed him by the arm and forcefully dragged him out. He was stumbling as I pulled him across the room and groaning incoherently, still half-asleep.

"You go and hide out in the living room for a while!" I told him. "I'm going to call Crystal and the other to make sure they know-"

"Woah, woah." Silver wrenched his hands away. He yawned and rubbed his eyes before running a hand through his messed-up hair. "There's no nuclear war, idiot," he said tiredly. He closed his eyes as if he was going to fall asleep on the spot. "Go back to bed..." He slopped to one side to try and manoeuvre around me, back into the bedroom. I slammed my hands up on either side of the door frame. He frowned at me, and it looked like he was going to push past. I grabbed the door and tried to slam it shut. Silver blocked it with his shoulder.

"What are you _doing?"_ he said angrily. Uh-oh. He was sobering up fast. I had placed my hopes on taking care of everything while he was too exhausted to remember it.

"There's a nuclear war, Silver! You have to get to safety!" I tried again, pushing at the door.

"Then why the hell are _you_ staying here?" he demanded.

"Okay, _fine,_ there's no nuclear war, but you still have to get out!"

"_Why_? It's my fucking bedroom!" Silver was getting well and truly irate now, and it was taking nearly all my strength and weight to stop him barging right in and sending me flying. If he had been properly awake, he probably would already have done so.

"It's dangerous in here! I-I heard the ceiling creaking, it might collapse!" I cried desperately.

"Again, why the fuck would you want to stay in there?!" Silver started kicking the door and I winced. That would make two doors in our flat dented along the bottom.

"You'll hurt your foot!" I said. "Silver, you have to go! Just give me ten minutes."

"_Why?"_ Silver yelled back.

"Silver, _please,"_ I begged. I knew I was blushing. "I-I just have to take care of something, so please go away."

"Take care of _what,_ what the hell are you talking about?"

"_Silver!"_ I wailed, almost crying with frustration.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me-" Silver cut himself off suddenly. Or rather, his mouth kept moving but the words stopped coming out. He took a step back, his face slowly filling with colour. "O-Oh..."

Suddenly the floor began immensely interesting. Both Silver and I stared at it, radiating embarrassment. Then, without looking at me, Silver turned and practically fled into the living room, slamming the door behind him. I managed to strip the bed and change my underwear with minimum fumbling. It was shameful how much practice I had in the routine. After stuffing the sheets into the washing machine, I scrubbed at the bare mattress with a towel I had brought from home soaked in soapy water. I was too embarrassed to ask Silver if he had anything I could clean it properly with. I just flipped the mattress over and hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Um..." I poked my head around the door of the living room. Silver was at on the sofa with his head in his hands, whispering something unintelligible to himself over and over again, like a mantra. "W-Where are the clean sheets?"

Silver went red again. "I-In the bathroom," he said. "Top shelf of the airing cupboard. Y-You should know that." He was trying to be angry, I could tell, but he had worked himself up into too much of a fluster to sound threatening.

Five minutes and one clean bed later, I joined him in the living room. He was still sitting with his head in his hands, and I lowered myself stiffly onto the sofa beside him. "Sorry," I said quietly, my gaze fixed on my lap.

"For what?" Silver muttered.

"For... Oh." I got it. This was Silver's way of telling me that what happened- never happened. He was willing to turn a blind eye, and in return I must never, ever bring the topic up again. I almost fell on him with relief, but decided against it. It must have taken him a lot to accept the situation, and I didn't want to make him regret it. He had forgiven me. He wasn't going to throw me out. Though, I realised sadly, he probably wouldn't be too keen on letting me sleep in his bed again any time soon.

After much pestering, I was forced to explain the whole situation to a starry-eyed Crystal, who seemed the think the whole thing was very cute.

"Don't you think it's wonderful?" she gushed, bouncing all over the counter during our break.

I sighed. "You're making less and less sense every day, Crystal!" I said, and she laughed and pretended to hit me.

"The nerve!" She scowled. "As a punishment, you're going to tell me about your dream in detail!" And she twisted my arm back and grabbed me in a headlock, leaving me writhing like a dying fish on the end of a fishing line. She wouldn't let me go until I'd told her. By the end she was practically squealing. She released me and jumped up and down on the spot.

"Maybe this is his way of telling you he loves you no matter what," she suggested happily.

"_Or_ this could be his way of saying, fair enough, we're both guys and these things happen." I knew I was being cynical, but Crystal was always so insufferably energetic that she automatically brought out my more serious side. I wondered if I should be more serious around Silver. But he was so damn grumpy that I had to make everything into a joke to make up for it.

"Gold, those are the words of a defeatist!" Crystal said sternly, wagging her finger at me like a mother would do to a naughty child. I had to smile.

"Sorry, _Mom,"_ I said, sticking my tongue out at her. I couldn't hide my relief at how well Silver had taken the incident. Had I done that a month ago, he would have blown his top and wasted no time throwing me out. A few inevitable days of cold-shouldering would be easy to bear in comparison.

I fully expected Silver to be cattier than usual with me, despite how he had resolved to forget the whole occurrence. I decided as I walked home from work that I would be extra-nice to him to make up for it. I couldn't cook, but I could clean up afterwards; my dish-washing skills had improved rapidly since I had started working at Olivine! And I would bite my lip and let him watch his cringe-inducing soaps without complaining (we had more than once gotten into a big argument over it, the most memorable of which was caused by me accidentally recording over an episode he had taped because he was working at the time it was on. He had a good bitch at me, because professional wrestling was apparently much cheaper viewing than watching a girl juggling four boyfriends and a hair-dressing salon).

I felt a drop of rain land on top of my head and looked at the sky. It was murky and grey. I quickened my pace. Silver wouldn't be happy if the sofa got soaked again; if I made it back before the heavens opened then we could move it together. That way we wouldn't be aching afterwards.

Not five minutes after I'd reached our apartment (again, nearly killing myself on the stairs on the way up), the clouds burst at the seams and let the downpour begin. I went into the living room,expecting to see Silver. He wasn't there. I was about to start worrying when I noticed there was just a light flashing on the phone that lay on top of the TV. I picked it up and pressed the 'receive message' button.

"Yeah, it's me." It was Silver's voice, almost shouting above the racket in the background. I guessed he had phoned from the shop- I heard a woman asking if 'these' were included in the half-price range. "Yes, as long as you buy something else at full price... Anyway, one of guys is off sick today, so I'm stuck working overtime. Don't touch the oven or you're dead. See ya."

A grin broke across my face when it dawned on me that he wasn't leaving me, but soon faded when I remembered the rain. I pushed the sofa into the kitchen as quickly as I could, my back straining as I tried to force it around the corners.

It rained for a long time, and as I'd predicted, the ceiling began to leak again. The pans were already rusted from catching all the water last week, but I put one out anyway. If the carpet becoming any more waterlogged, the water would start leaking through the _floor_ and into the apartment below us.

I heard Silver before I saw him, swearing as the door handle stuck when he tried to force it down. I went out into the hallway to welcome him home as I always did. He pushed the door open with his back, tearing off his dripping jacket as he did so with a disgusted grunt. He threw it over the coat hanger on the wall and closed the door.

"You better not have burned the kitchen down," he said as he turned to me, gathering up his hair and wringing it out like a wet cloth.

"I... I haven't," I said hoarsely. I couldn't help it; all the moisture had left my mouth. Silver was soaked to the bone. His red hair had turned auburn in the rain and was plastered to his head, and ever now and then a trickle of water would escape his hair and run down his face. His skin was beaded and shimmering with rain. His jeans were water-logged and hanging off his skinny hips, dragging his underwear with them and revealing more skin than they should. His white work shirt had turned almost transparent, and I could see his nipples straight through it, poking out from the cold.

At that moment, I felt something inside of me snap.

I walked up to him so fast that he took a step back. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I didn't stop kissing him, either, though he raised his hands to grip my shoulders and it looked like he was trying to decide whether to push me back or not. I wasn't going to wait for him to make up his mind, and, raising onto my toes, I licked across his bottom lip, using my tongue to slowly coax his mouth open.

He tried to snatch his head away when he felt my tongue touch his, but I wound my head around too so that our lips stayed together. He had withdrawn his tongue, so I pushed mine further into his mouth to touch his again. His nails were digging into my arms as he let his tongue move against mine. Taking this as acceptance, I responded eagerly, causing him to inhale sharply and let out a weak 'mmn!'. This might have been his way of saying he wasn't sure, but I didn't want to believe that. Silver was stronger than me, by a long shot. He could easily fight me off if he really wanted to, and I had the scars from the first time I'd tried this to prove it.

His grip was weakening and he suddenly lurched back as he leaned heavily against the door. I leaped forward to latch my mouth onto his again, sliding my tongue over his. I didn't know if I was a good kisser or not. Probably not. Even though I had studied it in pictures and movies, I hadn't had much experience. But I wasn't going to let that put me off. I had always thought of this type of kiss as disgusting when I was young, but it actually felt good, in a gross-to-think-about-but-okay-to-do sort of way. I had practised on the back of my hand and my pillow, but it wasn't the same as doing it with Silver. Perhaps it was _because_ it was Silver that it felt so good and that my heart was jumping around like an Olympic gymnast in my chest.

When I finally, reluctantly broke away, Silver was looking at me in such a way that it made me want to kiss him again. He was flushed and panting, and had a thin trail of saliva glistening down to his chin. I couldn't say I was much better. I wiped my mouth of the back of my hand and risked a smile. Silver didn't smile back. His legs seemed to buckle beneath him and he slowly slid down the door and into a sitting position on the floor. He was staring straight ahead, but I don't think he was seeing anything.

I knelt down beside him. "Silver?" I said nervously. "Um, you've got..." I reached out to wipe the spit from his chin, but as my hand neared his face he flinched as if I was about to hit him. Then he wiped his lips himself.

"I'm going to get changed..." he whispered, referring to his damp clothes. I jumped up and offered him my hand. He flinched again, backing up against the door like a wounded animal. "_Don't!"_ he said quickly. "Don't touch me..."

He pulled himself to his feet and wavered for a moment where he stood. For a split-second I thought he was going to fall over. "Are you okay?" I asked. He weaved round me without a word, and my chest began to sting. "Silver...?" I took a step towards him and he stopped and looked at me.

"Don't."

–

**And it was all going so well, too! You'll find out why Silver is so shaken next chapter, if you haven't figured it out already. Clue: it wasn't (exactly) because Gold kissed him- he kissed him back after all!**

**I decided since I tortured Silver last chapter, it was only fair that I did the same to Gold in this one. Poor, poor sexually-deprived, hormone-driven Gold... I've got a feeling Silver won't ever be able to look at his bed in the same way again, let alone sleep in it! Gold's still young and can't control his 'needs', plus he's so in love with Silver that he's bound to experience a dirty dream or two about him! But unfortunately for him Silver is the type who runs a mile when he even _hears_ the word 'sex'. But we'll get onto _that_ later!**

**Silver watches soap operas. Gold gets worked up over professional wrestling. Yes. They're lame. We know it, and we love them anyway (actually, it makes me love them _more..._ I have a bit of a thing for geeks, if you couldn't tell by reading this). I also took the Silver's thumb-sucking habit from the prequel to this story, _Small Steps_. It just amuses me that a bad-ass like Silver would do such a thing.**

**Oh, and if anyone is wondering about their ages in this story (I use my own 'canon', not the manga dates), Silver's birthday is April 17 and Gold's birthday is somewhere in June (I haven't decided yet, so if anyone wants to throw a random date at me then feel free to!). Crystal's birthday is also in June, and she mentioned that the current month is May, which means, currently, Silver is nineteen and Gold is seventeen.**


	10. Love and Doubt

I didn't speak to Gold for the rest of the day. It upset him, I could tell. He was the sort of person who let everything he felt show on his face. I felt a little guilty. Just a little. He had brought it all down on himself, after all. Kissing me like that, even after I'd said no.

I did say no. I didn't kiss him back. I didn't enjoy it. I did say no.

I shook my head. It wasn't working. No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I still knew that I hadn't really said no. I could've pushed him away if I'd wanted to. I was bigger and stronger than him, it would have been easy even with him making me go all weak and dizzy with his stupid kiss. But I hadn't. Even worse, I had reacted to it. His _tongue _was in my _mouth_ and I reacted to it. And I don't mean just kissing him back, either. I mean... down _there_.

It was so embarrassing. I kept telling myself this was Gold I was dealing with- _Gold_. But that only seemed to make things worse. He was an idiot, sure. But he was also an idiot who loved me. Or thought he loved me. Or claimed he loved me.

He had volunteered to sleep on the couch, like he was doing me a favour, but to be honest I would rather have slept on the couch myself. I still hadn't mustered up the courage to get in my bed, after what happened last night. I couldn't help but wonder what Gold had been dreaming about for such a thing to happen. It might not have been anything. He was seventeen years old; a kid driven by hormones and lusting after sexual relief. I was damn pleased I had never been like that. But then, how could I with him trailing after me confessing his undying love left right and centre? It was enough to put a person off sex for life.

The conclusion I had came to was that the object of Gold's dream had been a girl, for quite a simple reason. That sort of dream, the sexual sort, was one that involved, well, _sex_. I had never experienced one myself, but I had looked it up on my laptop before leaving for work. Apparently they subconsciously expressed a strong desire to 'get to know' whoever the person in the dream may be. I wondered who Gold wanted to 'get to know'. Yellow? Nah, they hardly spoke any more. Sapphire? Well, he was out of luck there, everyone knew she was dating Ruby. Crystal? I bit my lip. It could be Crystal. He worked with her, after all. All that time alone together in a hot kitchen...

I suddenly felt a pang of anger in my chest. What the hell! Gold said he loved _me_, didn't he? So what was he doing having dream-sex with Crystal? She wasn't even that pretty, and let's face it, she wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. Sure, she was nice enough, but her downright _weirdness _overshadowed that completely. If you compared me and Crystal, it was obvious I was better, right?

I sat down gingerly on the bed, hating myself. The way I was acting, it was almost as if... as if I wanted his dream to have been about _me. _But that couldn't be right, not to mention _impossible._ Gold was a man, and so was I. Neither of us had what was necessary for people to have... intercourse. Some things just couldn't be done! So his dream couldn't have been about me. Unless one of us had been a female in it. I grew angry at the thought, and punched my pillow. How dare he envision me as a woman! I was more of a man that he'd ever be, damn it!

My bed didn't feel right underneath me as I lay down. I felt dirty just sitting on it; I couldn't bring myself to even _try_ wriggling under the duvet, even though it was getting pretty cold just lying there in my boxers and T-shirt. It was like I was invading Gold's privacy somehow. I shuffled over to his side of the bed subconsciously, fiddling with the end of the covers nervously. Gold had done such a shameful thing right where I was laying. That dirty, embarrassing dream had taken place exactly where I was. To my horror I found that I was blushing, the horrible burning sensation spreading all down my neck and up to the tips of my ears.

It didn't look like I was going to get any sleep tonight.

I tried to talk it over with Blue the next day, but it was extremely difficult, for obvious reasons. She would consider me seriously insane if I told her a kiss had actually _frightened_ me. And it did frighten me. A lot. Because I kissed back, and revelled in the feeling of weakness it gave to me.

"So, she kissed me yesterday," I said at our lunch break, taking another chip from the bag Blue and me were sharing. I tried to make sound as nonchalant as possible, like it really didn't mean anything at all and I could have been simply announcing the weather forecast.

"Oh?" I could almost _see_ Blue's ears pricking up. "And? What did you do?"

I bit my tongue. "Nothing," I said.

"Nothing? You mean you didn't kiss her back?"

I cringed inwardly. I had a feeling she would say that. I didn't want to say 'yes'. But if I said 'no' she would get angry at me, and I wasn't in the mood for her bitching. "Sort of," I finally decided on. Blue raised an eyebrow but didn't complain.

"Progress," she said, nodding. "So why are you so tense about it? And don't deny it, Silver, you look like a rabbit in the headlights."

"I do not," I snapped. "Don't start. It was just a bit of tongue, it didn't-"

"She _French kissed_ you?" Blue gasped, her eyes lighting up with what looked like disbelief. Disbelief and amusement. I didn't approve of her laughing at me, and glared down at my lap.

"It wasn't anything like that," I muttered, wishing I'd never said anything.

"So that's why you're so shook up. You idiot! That's just what people _do_ in a relationship, you don't have to worry about it. Or is this another of those 'moving too fast' things?" Blue raised her eyebrows at me. "If you didn't like it you shouldn't have 'sort of' kissed her back."

"I'm not saying I didn't like it!" The words were out before I could stop them. Blue didn't seem surprised, but she didn't know the real situation. I didn't _have_ a girlfriend, I had _Gold!_ And had just practically admitted that I liked having his tongue in my mouth. That was just... Ugh! Even worse, I had implied that I liked how he made me feel. That, I knew, wasn't true. I hated how weak he made me. That was why I couldn't let him touch me. Too much and I would break.

"Hey, what's up?" I looked up and groaned, not even trying to hide my disdain. Green was swiftly sauntering over to our checkout.

"Get back to the TM department," I said as soon as he reached us. Green just laughed and flipped his chestnut-coloured hair out of his eyes, leaning forward to rest his elbow in the counter. He was giving us that stupid smirky smile that he had obvious spent hours practising in the mirror. God, what a poser. I didn't like Green and he didn't like me. Unfortunately though, Blue liked both of us and wasn't willing to compromise.

"_Someone's_ on her period," Green commented, jerking his head towards me and sniggering.

"Fuck off."

"Hey, hey!" Blue stood up, waving a hand at me as a signal to shut up. "If the boss catches you saying stuff like that it'll be hi ho Silver away. And Green, you didn't come here just to pick a fight, did you?"

"Of course not!" Green said innocently, widening his eyes convincingly. "Things are going slow on my floor, and we're running low on change for the tills. I came to see if you had any spare. And perhaps to chat with this lovely lady in the process."

His performance was so disgustingly cheesy that I pretended to be sick.

"Stop it, Silver!" Blue shook her head at me. Sometimes her 'big sister' instinct really got the better of her. She turned back to Green and began rifling through the till for some change. "Don't pay any attention to him, Green, he's in a bad mood as usual."

"Is it that he can't get laid? Because I can think of quite a few reasons for that," Green said, still smiling. I clenched my fists.

"No, he _could_ get laid, it's just that he doesn't want to," Blue told him helpfully. She handed him a handful of coins, and he nearly dropped them as he began to laugh.

"Y'know, Silver, fear of sex is a serious medical condition; maybe you should see a doctor!" he spluttered, grinning all over his smug face. I seriously considered wiping off that grin via my fist, but decided against it. He wasn't worth losing my job over.

"You'd better be grateful there's a security camera in here," I hissed. Had it not been for the fact that all the evidence would be left on tape, I would have wasted no time flooring the little bastard.

"So what's going down?" Green asked, finally getting over the fact that someone existed whose life didn't revolve around sex. We weren't all as desperate as he was. In a space of two weeks, I had witnessed him leaving work with three different girls. Two were giggling teenagers, but one had to have been at least five years older than him. She should have known better.

"That's none of your fucking business," I said but Blue talked over me, saying, "Silver has a girlfriend but he's too scared to make a move on her."

"Blue! Shut up, shut _up!_" I snapped, my face flaming. Green started laughing again, delighted at my blushing. I jerked my head away so he couldn't see. I hated how I went so red at such stupid things. It was fine for Green, he could laugh all he wanted because he didn't have the same problem. And Blue was so calm it was almost impossible for her to get hot under the collar. She was looking up at me worriedly, and I wondered if she had misunderstood.

"Was it a secret?" she asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't know!"

"Fine, fine," I grumbled. "But don't tell anyone else." I rounded on Green. "Speak a word and I swear, I won't kill you but I'll make you wish you were dead, you slimy little fucker."

Green sniggered and plastered a sickeningly fake smile on his face. Reaching across the counter, he pinched my cheek between his thumb and forefinger and gave it an affectionate tug. "Why are you being so defensive?" he asked sweetly. "If I didn't know any better, Silver, I'd say you made the whole story up to impress Blue, and now you're trying to cover it up."

I slapped his hand away and leaped at him, only to be wrenched back by Blue. I stood there panting with rage, telling myself that if it weren't for Blue's arms around my waist, Green would be rolling around on the floor with a broken jaw. I rubbed my throbbing cheek, glaring at him. "Why the hell would I make it up?" I spat furiously.

"Make yourself look good," Green suggested. "Can't get a girlfriend, so just invent one. It makes sense."

"Green, why would he make one up only to stress over?" Blue asked. He chose to ignore her.

"What does she even look like?" he demanded.

"Sh-She..." I faltered, but only for a second. "She's about five and a half feet tall. Short black hair, dark brown eyes. Bites her nails."

"Ha!" Green snorted. "I could look out the window now and see at _least_ five girls like that. What's her name?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Because she doesn't have one."

"_No_, because I don't want you using my love-life and another piece of gossip for you to bitch about with your shitty fan-girls," I corrected, as calmly as I could.

"_Fan-girls?_ You're such a geek. You have _got_ to be making this up," Green said. "Unless you can show me some proof."

"I don't have to _prove_ anything to you! I don't even like you!"

The corners of Green's mouth twisted up into a smirk and he let out a small, triumphant chuckle, as if to say 'I knew it'. As much as I hated it, I was powerless to stop him. After all, loathe I was to admit it, he was sort of right. I didn't have a girlfriend. I had Gold, and if Green found that out I'd never hear the end of it. So I had to bite the insides of my cheeks raw to stop myself shouting out something I'd regret.

Blue sighed. "Leave him alone, Green," she said. "He's entitled to his privacy, even though I'd like him to introduce her to us."

"I knew it! You think he's making it up, too," Green declared, grinning at me proudly.

"I never said that," Blue said without a pause. "But even if he was that doesn't mean it's okay to pick on him. I mean, respect is very important, and as a young man it is considered 'uncool' not to have a girlfriend. It's understandable that he would want people to think-"

"_Blue!"_ I cried. "Why are you taking _his_ side? You're saying you don't believe me either, is that it?"

Blue turned to me, a sheepish smile on her face. "Of course I believe you," she said gently. "But... Now that Green mentions it, you've never even told me her name, Silver."

I stared at her incredulously. Green, fair enough, he was a little prick and jumped at any chance to start a fight with me, but Blue, she was my friend and the only one I felt even halfway comfortable discussing the delicate status of my relationship with. She was meant to stick by me and take my side no matter how ridiculous my argument! I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

"Fine, screw both of you then. You think I care whether you believe me or not? Go on, have a good laugh then, because I don't give a damn," I said coldly.

"Oh God, he's sulking," Green murmured, covering his eyes with his hands. That was the last straw.

"Now listen here, you son-of-a-bitch, if you think I'm going to take this shit, then you've got another fucking thing coming. You want a fight, fine, I'll make you scream and I'll enjoy it, you little fuck," I hissed, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and yanking him over the counter so that he was nose-to-nose with me.

He smiled. He raised his hand and patted me understandingly on the shoulder. "I get it now," he said. "This whole girlfriend business is just to cover up that you're gay."

The fist that I had pulled back and had ready to smash down into his smug face froze mid-air. The flared anger that was twisting my face disappeared and I blanked completely. Then, slowly, I felt the heat creep up my neck and into my cheeks. In less than five seconds I could practically feel the steam coming out of my ears. My face felt as if it was on fire, and my head was throbbing with all the blood rushing there. And I couldn't even move to hide it. I could only stand there and let Blue and Green feel the heated embarrassment radiating off me.

"Um, hey," Green said uncertainly. He tapped the fist that still clutched the front of his shirt. "I was only joking. You can let go." I relinquished my grip without a word, and he quickly stepped back and straightened himself up. I, on the other hand, had to sit down.

Blue put her hand on my burning forehead. "Silver, are you okay?" she asked, but before I got a chance to reply, the manager, Sarah Lane, appeared and yelled at Green to get back to his floor. She was your traditional wolf in sheep's clothing; a small, mousey woman who insisted 'call me Sarah' when customers were around and then transformed into the Iron Lady when she had us alone. I hated her, we all did, but right then I was immensely grateful for her grating commands.

Green groaned. "Yes, Ms Lane," he said. He waved at Blue before leaving. "See ya later, Blue."

When he had gone, Blue knelt down beside my chair and looked up at my face. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

I blinked and suddenly my eyes came to life. I stared at her wildly. "I'm not gay," I told her. I expected her to be confused, but she just smiled.

"Okay, Silver. And as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted..." I didn't miss her swift change of subject. "Because you're always on the defensive, your girlfriend is the one making all the moves, and she only knows that you don't like something until it's too late and she's already done it. Next time she tries to do something with you, it could just be holding hands or something, try responding to let her know you're comfortable with it. Squeeze her hand, kiss her back or whatever. Then, if you freeze up, she'll know that you're not ready for it and back off."

I licked my lips, taking deep breaths in order to compose myself. "So, what you're saying is, I should make the first move?" I asked slowly. I wasn't even going to think about how impossible that was. I had serious trouble taking all this stuff, how was I supposed to give it?

"Not exactly," Blue said. "You're too nervous for that! Just... let her make the move, and then when she does, do something to let her know you like it. Think you can manage that?"

I closed my eyes, knowing I would be agreeing to take on a major task. "I'll try," I said eventually. I wasn't making any promises. But I would definitely try.

I psyched myself up for it as I waited for Gold to come home. He would probably give me a 'hello' kiss, but that was too high level for me. If I could somehow get him to hold my hand, though, then maybe I could manage to hold his, for a little while. Then I punched the cushion on the sofa into a pulp. I was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush, damn it! I didn't have any reason to go out of my way for Gold. Other than I sort of owed it to him. And that part of me, a tiny, _tiny_ part of me maybe even _wanted_ to.

I wasn't falling in love with Gold, I told myself. I was just doing him a favour. Cheering him up a bit.

But I didn't get a chance to put my plan into action. Gold didn't give me a welcoming kiss. I wasn't exactly disappointed by that, but what struck me was that he didn't try to touch me at all the entire night. When we were watching the last episode of _Torchwood _before bed, I purposely left me hand, palm up, at my side between us. I coughed and cleared my throat several times in an attempt to drag Gold's eyes away from the screen so he'd notice. Each time he'd asked if I was okay, but had blatantly ignored my hand which I was discreetly offering to him.

I didn't see why I was annoyed. Gold hadn't acted any differently from how he usually did. Still the same dumb grin. But the fact that I had actually made an effort for him, or at least tried to, and that he had remained oblivious to it angered me. Couldn't he see how difficult it was for me to do these things? He should have at least had the decency to respond!

That night Gold slept on the couch, snoring his head off, while I laid awake in my bed.

–

**Something happened to FFN yesterday, it seems, which meant email alerts from the site weren't working. They seem to be back up now, however, so I'll use this chance to update _Leaps and Bounds!_**

**I wasn't planning on adding Green to the mix when I first started this story, but he just seemed to fit, and I love his and Silver's rivalry (although I'm doing gameverse, I heard they dislike each other in the manga and so added that element). Silver is the sort of person who would probably be fun to tease, and since Green isn't afraid of getting a black eye, he's all for taking advantage of that!**

**All through this story I've portrayed Silver as the brains of the outfit, but when it comes to sexual knowledge he has no clue! I thought it rather cute that he thought two men engaging in sexual intercourse was impossible.**

**I might be aiming high here, but I really want to make this _the_ GoldxSilver story. There's not much competition, but I'm getting so into writing this that I can't help but set my sights high! I might sound a bit arrogant here, but it's not as if I don't expect to have to work even harder on this story before it becomes worthy. Please excuse any rudeness you might sense here! I'm sure there are GoldxSilver fics that are much better than mine, but I think this is the longest one there is, and I'm planning on improving a lot as the story progresses.**


	11. Love and Frustration

I had a lot to get off my chest. Thankfully, Crystal was always willing to hear me out, and she listened to my story with the eagerness and wide-eyed amazement of a child hearing a bed-time story. She kept nodding and making encouraging noises as I spilled my heart out about how well things had been going, and sighed and tutted when I explained how I'd wrecked it all. By the time I had finished I was feeling much better. She, on the other hand, was wound up tighter than a spring.

"Gold!" She bounced like a spring, too... "You can't blame yourself over this! It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault."

"Yes, it is," I said, pouting. "It's my fault. I went too far and now I've scared him. He was trying so hard to put up with me, but then I had to go and do that. I'm stupid, stupid, _stupid!"_ I accentuated each 'stupid' with a bang of my forehead on the counter.

Crystal grabbed a handful of my hair and wrenched my head back. "Stop it," she snapped, slapping my face. "You'll hurt yourself."

I rubbed my stinging cheek. "Thanks for that," I muttered, and Crystal grinned.

"Any time, Gold."

I smiled back momentarily before sighing and brushing my hands over my head, messing up my hair thoroughly as I tried to refresh myself. I leaned forward on the counter to take the order of a middle-aged sea-dog, who spent five minutes um-ing and ah-ing and tapping his griselled chin, trying to decide what to order. During this time, Super-Crystal managed to take six orders and deliver food to four different tables, one of which was a children's birthday party.

"What am I going to do, Crystal?" I asked wearily when she buzzed back to the counter.

"You know what I think?" she said. "I think you're trying too hard. If you're the only one making an effort, Silver's going to get used to it. If he thinks you're always going to love him, then he'll-"

"I _am_ always going to love him," I interrupted.

"-If he thinks you're always going to love him no matter what he does, he'll never bother to show you he cares about you because he'll be accustomed to letting you do all the work." She went on despite my argument. "But if you show him that you don't want to stay in this one-sided relationship forever, he might get his act together and start showing you some love. You should try holding back, let him make the first move for once."

"But what if he doesn't make a move?" I asked.

"He will," Crystal assured. "If he truly loves you, he will."

But that was the problem. I didn't know for sure if he _did_ truly love me. He'd never done anything to suggest that he did. He had never even told me he _liked_ me, not even as a friend. _Love_ seemed like a million light-years away. The closest he had come to expressing any verbal affection for me whatsoever was that he had once told me that he didn't hate me and was willing to tolerate me. And now that I thought about it, that wasn't exactly a compliment. Silver was so complex; he was too much for my simple mind to fully understand. He hated showing any emotion that could be related to weakness, especially in front of those he knew well. Sometimes he would get angry and snap at me as a mask to hide his real feelings. But I could never be completely sure what those feelings were.

Crystal saw me chewing my lip, and put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry," she said comfortingly. "It'll all work out all right in the end. Just give it a try for a few weeks, you'll see."

So, despite my better judgement, I decided to trust Crystal and give her plan a shot. I didn't touch Silver at all that night. I don't think it troubled him much. He was coughing a lot, and I worried he might be coming down with flu or something, so he was probably pleased that I didn't try to touch him- Silver's skin was very sensitive when he had a cold, even a slight brush of hands could hurt him.

The next day I carried out the same routine, and still Silver remained indifferent. I had to give him his goodbye kiss on the cheek before leaving, though. I didn't want him getting the wrong idea and have him thinking I wasn't interested in him any more. He did react to that, and quite violently too.

That night I almost forgot about the plan. Seeing Silver lying lazily on the sofa, his legs straddling the side and his hair all wet and sticking to him from a shower, I leaned in to kiss him. I stopped just in front of his lips. He watched me anxiously, his gaze flickering. Then slowly I pulled away without touching him at all. He stood up quickly and pushed me aside, storming out of the room. His head was bowed. I didn't think he wanted me to see his face.

By Thursday I was at my wits end. I hadn't shown any sign of love for Silver, and he in turn had shown none for me. But the difference was that my lack of affection for Silver had been an act. His, undoubtedly, hadn't.

"You said he would respond! You _promised!_" I wailed childishly at Crystal. She looked sheepish.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she said. "But it will, I know it. Just give it a little more time, Gold, he'll catch on eventually."

"How do you know?" I said, pouting.

"I rEad it in a magazine once," she replied proudly. "In the Agony Aunt section. A girl wanted a boy she liked to flirt with her, and the reply was that she should try flirting with him first, and if that didn't work, hold back and let him do the chasing!"

"And what did it say to do if he doesn't 'do the chasing'?"

"Give up, he's not interested," Crystal provided helpfully. She suddenly let out a hoot of laughter, oblivious to my dismay. "You know what! I wrote a letter to that magazine's help page, you know what it said? 'Dear Auntie, I'm in agony. Love, your niece'. Ha! They didn't print it, of course, but they must have read it! Oh, by the way Gold, haven't you remembered it's someone's birthday soon?"

I slapped my forehead. I had been so worked up about Silver that I had completely forgotten about my birthday on the eleventh of June. I really was an idiot. What sort of person forgot their own eighteenth birthday?

"Uh... mine," I said sheepishly, and Crystal elbowed me in the ribs.

"No, silly! Mine!" she said. "June the second, remember? I'm having a party on Saturday night, if you want to come. Though no alcohol for you, baby boy! Chef- sorry, Alan- said we could have it here as long as we cleaned up and didn't expect him to cook for us." She gave me a teasing wink. "Bring Silver if you want."

I did want, though I didn't hold much hope. Silver wasn't exactly the life and soul of the party, if you know what I mean. Chances were he'd get drunk on less than three shots and start a fight outside the bathrooms. I'd have to carry him all the way home and spend the rest of the night holding his hair back as he puked into the toilet. And in the morning he'd be cranky with a hangover and lie on the sofa all day, holding an ice-pack to his head and swearing at the television.

Even so, I asked him about it over dinner. Casually, as though it was something he'd hear every day, in the hope I would catch him of guard and trick him into agreeing to go.

He looked at me like I'd just spat in his pot noodle. "_No!"_ he said without even stopping to think. I was crest-fallen, and it must have shown on my face, because he rolled his eyes at me and told me that it wasn't going to work.

"But it's Crystal's eighteenth, and she invited you specially. It's only polite that you go," I said feebly.

"I barely know her, and what I have seen I don't like. The answer is no," he replied decisively, pointing his chopsticks at me.

"Why don't you like her? She's really nice. Please Silver, you don't have to stay the whole time. Just for an hour, _please." _I knew I was begging but I didn't care. Silver looked disgusted. I knew _he_ would never beg anyone, not even if his life depended on it.

"No," he said plainly. "Not going to change."

I was disappointed, but determined not to let it bother me. It was Crystal's party, and I wasn't going to mope over Silver and ruin things for her. I knew that if you threw a party, you wanted everyone there to be having a good time, or it would reflect badly on you. Thinking logically, it was probably better that Silver wasn't going. He was fine when just a little tipsy, but too much and he turned into a really mean drunk. On his eighteenth I'd tried to organise a party for him, and he had got so hammered that he was half-blind and willing to take a swing at anything that moved. Everyone left early, several in tears.

I made an effort to look presentable. Crystal had told me to at least try to look like I'd been brought up and not dragged up, so I rummaged through my things in an attempt to find something smart. Eventually I ended up in my least grubby pair of jeans and a light blue checked shirt. The sleeves were too short and rode up my wrists, so I had to 'borrow' one of Silver's jackets to wear over the top. Not his _best_ jacket; a black one made out of something that felt like denim but I was sure wasn't.

Silver frowned when he saw me.

"Is that _my_ jacket?" he demanded. "Where are you going?"

"I'm only borrowing it, I won't spill anything on it," I assured him, opening the door. "It's Crystal's party, did you forget? I might be back pretty late, so don't wait up for me."

"Like I would," he muttered. I looked at him for a moment, before walking over to him and giving him his goodbye kiss.

"See ya," I said, grinning as I headed for the door. Silver suddenly took a step forward.

"Gold," he blurted. I whirled around, re-opening the door that I had started closing. Silver went red and looked at his feet as I met his eyes "I-I... I'm not really busy tonight, s-so... I-I guess I could... maybe go with you. I-I mean, if..." He cut himself off, shaking his head. "Whatever. Forget I said anything. Get going, or you'll be late."

But I was already back in the hallway, taking his hand and pulling him out with me. Silver snatched his hand away. "I said forget it!" he said angrily, but didn't object when I locked the door and beckoned him to follow me down the stairs.

He grumbled and groaned all the way to Olivine, claiming that I was forcing him into it and that he didn't even want to go and why the hell would he want to spend three hours surrounded by people he hated anyway? I started laughing halfway through his rant, and he shut up fast. One thing that Silver really detested was being laughed at. It probably wouldn't happen so often if he weren't so funny. He was acting like he had forgotten that he had _wanted _to go.

It wasn't a big party, with only about fifteen guests. Still, the cafe felt very full, almost claustrophobic, as Crystal had decorated the entire place with fans and bows and Chinese lanterns. A weird, wailing music was playing in the background. She bounded up to me, giggling like a little kid at Christmas, and pulled me into a hug.

"I'm glad you came!" she said. She tried to hug Silver too, but he stepped back and raised his hands, telling her to back off. She gave me a little tap and whispered in my ear, "I see where your problem's coming from!"

I laughed and itched the back of my neck. "Not tonight, Crystal!" I pleaded. I took a good look at her. "You look great."

She beamed. "Thanks! I had to order it off the internet. It was expensive, but I had to look the part! I was going for the 'Chinese New Year' look." She twirled around to give me a better view of her outfit, a tight-fitting, high-necked, knee-length dress, pale pink and made with something shiny, probably silk. Over the top of the silk was a pink net embroidered with red flowers. "It's called at cheongsam," she told me. "Hey, I like your jacket, where'd you get it?" She stepped closer to me and put her arms around my neck, trying to find the label in the back of the jacket. Silver walked away. I wondered if something was wrong, but I was trapped with Crystal's arms around me.

"It's actually Silver's," I said, feeling like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

"Well, that'll explain why it's so nice!" she said teasingly. "You should take a few more tips from him, Gold, you could really learn something."

She was only joking around, but she was right. I scanned the small crowd for Silver, finding him standing alone to one side, excluding himself from the conversation and ignoring Crystal's friends' offers for him to join them. Nobody would say that he had a pretty face (except maybe me, but then I was biased!), but equally nobody would deny that he had style in the way he dressed. He was just wearing his normal, everyday clothes that he probably got from a bargain bin or a half-price rack at a supermarket, but he wore them well. His jeans were tight, but not too tight, making his legs seem impossibly long and elasticated. In contrast, his T-shirt and jacket were over-sized and hung off his sharp shoulders, emphasizing his strong, skinny frame. He stood tall, but with his head slightly ducked and his thumbs hooked in his pockets.

His entire appearance said 'I don't care', 'stay away' and 'don't screw with me'. If I were judging on appearance alone, he was the sort of person I would usually never even think of approaching. The creases on his brow and dark bags under his eyes were bad signs, and to be honest, if I didn't know him I would find him intimidating. That might have been one of the reasons as to why he didn't have many friends. He was scary, and if he told you to get lost, them damn, you were going to do it.

It was selfish, but I was almost _glad_ that I had Silver all to myself. I was the only person in the whole world who knew how cute he was, the only person he would ever let sleep in his bed and hold his hand.

"Hey!" A girl in the crowd looked shocked, then glared at Silver. He had just taken the half-empty bottle of beer from her hands and started chugging away. I sighed. He'd be off his head in five minutes if he kept on like that. I was about to go and stop him when Yellow noticed me and ran over to say hello. I was glad to see she was wearing normal clothes and not traditional Chinese dress. It felt a bit weird being in a Chinese themed place wearing old jeans and a checked shirt.

"It's been ages, Gold," she said, almost sulkily. She put her arm around Crystal, smiling. "So, is he here?" she asked eagerly.

"Who?"

"Who!" Yellow giggled. "Eusine, obviously! Don't tell me you didn't invite him, Crystal, we all know how much you like him!"

"Oh, Yellow!" Crystal gasped, faking surprise. "Actually, I might have accidentally told Eusie that I was already eighteen. And well, I am now, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him..."

"Crys, you are so _bad!"_ They both burst out laughing and I shook my head. Those two made a great pair, though I suspected Yellow might have had a few drinks. She was usually reserved, but when under the influence she became extremely giggly and excitable. The exact opposite of Silver.

Crystal took Yellows hands and started to dance with her to the cat-like howling that was apparently a Chinese instrument called a... a majhong or a sudoku or something. It wasn't the type of music I liked to dance to. It didn't have a strong beat I could get lost in. But other guests were dancing too, in a winding way that went well with the long notes. I spied Silver sat at a table in the corner. I was sure the glass he held in his hand wasn't his.

"You shouldn't just drink whatever you find lying around, there could be drugs in there," I said, taking the glass from his hand as I sat down opposite him. "You're the one who's always telling me to stay away from anything suspicious like drugs."

"That's because you're stupid enough to take them," Silver mumbled, snatching the glass back before I could stop him and swilling down the remains of the liquid inside. "It's fine. It doesn't smell of weed or anything, which is surprising considering what a freak-show this entire place is."

"Don't say that." My plea was weak and fell on deaf ears. Silver was already pretty drunk, and he seemed to be in a worse mood than usual, though I couldn't figure out why. I nodded towards the part of the cafe that had been cleared of tables, the place where people were dancing. "Wanna dance?" I offered, trying to take his mind off whatever was bothering him.

Silver looked sceptically towards the ten or so people writhing around in the middle of the floor. A man and woman about twenty years old were engaged in a very suggestive dance, pressed up against each other, rolling and bucking their hips in time to the music. The woman's hands were up the man's shirt and his hands were sliding up her thighs. The woman threw her head back as the son hit a high note, and her boyfriend tangled his hands in her dark hair and they started kissing passionately. I bit my lip, feeling my face go red. How did Crystal _meet_ these people?

Silver's eyes were bulging. "You'd better be joking," he said threateningly.

"I-I didn't mean like that!" I said quickly. "Come on Silver, you can't say here looking pissed all night."

But apparently he could and would. "If it's bothering you so much, _you_ go and make an idiot of yourself," he said. He was slurring his words. "I don't like parties and these people piss me off."

I began to frown. "Then why did you come here?" I asked quietly. He didn't reply, and that angered me. Why did he have to do this? It was a good party, but he was determined not to let himself have fun, and since he couldn't enjoy himself, no-one else was allowed to either. It wasn't fair. This was Crystal's night, and she had only invited Silver because she had thought it would make me happy. Silver was my responsibility, and I was letting him drag the whole party down. "I hate it when you do this!" I said, slamming my hands down on the table as I stood up. "Why can't you just make an effort for once?"

"Hey, Gold." Crystal came up to me and put her arms around my shoulders. I raised my hand to hold onto her wrist, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. Crystal smiled sympathetically at me. "Dance with me?" she said.

I glanced back at Silver. He was staring into his empty glass. I nodded. "Yeah, I will," I said, forcing a grin. She took my hand and lead me to the middle of the room. It didn't look like our cafe with all the decorations she had put up- even the smell was different. She saw me sniffing.

"Incense," she told me, swaying in time to the music. She had a funny way of dancing, hunched up and bobbing her head like a nodding dog. She was holding a bottle of cider in her free hand, and it looked like she had already drank a fair amount. She wasn't rip-roaringly drunk though. Not like I would be if I had drank that much. I had only had one pint, since I was under-age and didn't want to lose too much of my concentration. I had to keep an eye on Silver.

Crystal took a swig of her cider and climbed up on on of the tables and started dancing there, doing a silly, mocking impression of a sexy dancer. Several of the guests started laughing and cheering. She waved at me, beckoning me to join her on the table.

"It's embarrassing on my own!" she said, though she looked far from embarrassed. She turned around so that her back was facing the crowd and wrapped her arms around herself. "Oh baby I can't believe you only charge fifty bucks an hour!" she said in a gruff, low voice, running her arms up and down her body and making exaggerated kissing noises, earning herself a laugh. She took my hand and pulled me up with her. Though I worried the table might collapse under our combined weight, I liked dancing back-to-back with Crystal. It was one of those stupid things that you would only do at a party after a drink or two, and it was fun.

I looked over at Silver. He was glaring down at the table in front of him, a new drink in his hand. His shoulders were rising and falling with increasing speed, he was breathing heavily. I wondered if he was okay, and if I should check on him. But then the young couple from earlier pulled up a pair of chairs opposite him and tried to strike up a conversation with him. I decided to leave them to it. It would be good if Silver could make a few more friends.

I jumped down from the table, breathless and sweating. Crystal leaped down beside me, grinning. Then two girls came up to her and took her hands and started dancing with her in a circle. I glanced towards Silver. Uh-oh. He didn't look happy. The woman had moved seats so that she was next to him, invading his personal space, her chin resting on his shoulder as she talked to him. I couldn't hear what she was saying.

Silver put his bottle to his lips and drank until it was empty. The woman raised her eyebrows and took the bottle from his hands. Silver said something and the man opposite, the woman's boyfriend, started laughing.

Silver was turning scarlet. I didn't know if it was because of all the alcohol or something else, but either way it wasn't a good sign. I began to wind my way through the people, trying to get to him quickly before he did something stupid.

Suddenly, Silver stood up, his chair grating out behind him. He turned towards the woman abruptly, knocking the table as he did so and causing the bottle to fall over, roll onto the floor and smash. He was livid. He raised his hand, and the woman flinched and covered her face.

I leaped at him, tackling him around his waist and pushing him back against the wall. "Silver, don't!" I cried, hanging onto him. He looked down at me, his eyes wild and angry, and his face bright red. He was panting.

"D-Did you see what she-"

"No, I didn't," I interrupted. I swallowed. "I saw what you did though."

Silver lowered his fist. I was suddenly aware of the silence that had filled the room. Someone must have stopped the music. People started whispering. Though my back was turned and I couldn't see with my head against Silver's chest, I knew we were the centre of attention.

I waited until Silver's breathing had returned to normal before letting him go and stepping back. The dark haired woman was still in shock, and her boyfriend had his arms around her. She was staring at Silver like he had just started preaching the benefits of meat at a vegetarian banquet, and she wasn't the only one. Everyone in the room was casting accusing looks his way. He glared back. I saw him gulp. He didn't know what to do.

"Silver," I said quietly. "I don't know what happened to make you do that. But this is Crystal's party, and I'm not going to let you wreck it for her. If... If you can't control yourself, then I think you should leave."

Silver looked down at me, a muscle in his forehead twitching. Then he shoved me aside and marched past, pushing his way forcefully through the crowd that had gathered around us. He kept his head down as he walked out, slamming the door behind him.

I stared after him for a moment, before burying my face in my hands. "Shit..."

The whispering started again, washing over the room in continuous waves, and was only broken by a loud, whooping laugh from Crystal. "What are we all standing around for?" she cried, turning the music back on. "Who wants another drink?"

In less than a minute the incident was forgotten and the party was in full swing again. Crystal inched over to me. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly. I took a deep breath. The I smiled and nodded.

"Yeah," I said, smiling gratefully at her. "I could do with that drink, though."

Crystal shook her head understandingly. Sometimes, she knew, it was just better to forget all your problems rather than solve them.

–

**The first bit of real tension enters here! So far, Gold has been a bit of a push-over with Silver, and I wanted him to get a bit angry with him as payback. I imagine Gold is the sort of person who doesn't get mad when he's hurt directly, but hates it when things are unfair for other people. He doesn't care what Silver does to him, but he won't let him hurt anyone else. As for him thinking that sudoku was an instrument, well... that's just Gold, I suppose! He knows nothing of China. Which is odd, because whenever I imagine him as a real person, I always imagine him to be Chinese, or at least Asian.**

**I'm a little annoyed at both Gold and Silver here. Silver was being a dick (his reasons for that will be explained next chapter) and Gold was a bit insensitive how he didn't hear what Silver had to say at the end.**

**As for the fact that Silver was about to lay his fists into a woman- yeah. In most fiction men are hesitant to full-out punch a female, but remember gameverse Silver? No matter who you play as- Gold or Crystal- he has no problem kicking you three feet across Newbark when you find him spying through the laboratory window! At least we know he's not sexist. Though punching people probably isn't the best way to go about showing this...**

**I'm looking forward to writing Silver's point of view next chapter! I want to explain the behaviour he displayed in this chapter, as well as add a few other things to spice things up!**


	12. Love and Guilt

I took the elevator up to my apartment. It was covered in graffiti and stank to high heaven because kids used it as a toilet, but I was too drunk to care and too tired to take the stairs all the way up to the top floor. It took me ten minutes to open the door. The damn thing kept sticking. I had to throw myself at the it to make it swing open, and when I did I kept going and ended up face-down on the floor of my flat. The dust in the carpet made me sneeze, and I made a mental note to force Gold to vacuum it later.

Stupid Gold. Did he think I didn't know I was being a dick-head? Of course I bloody well knew. I'd like to say I wasn't doing it on purpose, but I was. Seeing everyone else having a good time made me angry, because I couldn't do the same. I thought that if I at least made my lack of enthusiasm obvious, I could bring the party down a bit.

It was easy for Gold. He knew how to open up and he could laugh at himself like it was no big deal. I couldn't do that. And seeing everyone getting on so well, dancing and joking with complete strangers, irked me. I was the only one, I realised. I was the only one struggling. It was my own fault, you could say. I didn't exactly make an effort. But what was the point? Another thing I knew- people were intimidated by me. It would be so easy to approach someone only to be ignored and humiliated. I wasn't going to risk my pride for anyone, let alone Crystal's freaky friends.

Gold was right about her. Crystal, I mean. She _was_ nice. I wished she wasn't. I wished she was a bitch. That way, my hatred for her would make so much more sense. I couldn't like her. Seeing her all over Gold, dancing with him, laughing with him, made me feel sick. I started thinking, why did Gold never laugh like that when he was with me? But that was obvious. I was a snarly bastard. Not exactly the sort of person you could joke with.

I dragged myself across the floor and into the bathroom. I pulled the top half of my body up using the toilet bowl and promptly emptied the contents of my stomach into it. How I managed to get home without passing out I'll never know. For a moment, just after I'd vomited for a third time and was cold and breathless and sweaty and covered in puke, I wanted Gold. I felt like crap, and I wanted him there with me to make me better.

But then I changed my mind.

"I hope you don't come back," I said aloud. My voice was hoarse and I was still slurring. I lowered myself down from over the toilet when I was certain I'd puked up everything that was in my stomach. I laid on the bathroom floor, half-conscious and calling Gold all sorts of dirty words that strung together into a sort of chant.

That bastard. He had no right to tell me how to act. That whore deserved what was coming to her. He should have let me knock some sense into her, because she definitely needed it.

She had seemed okay when she first started chatting to me. Just normal, which surprised me seeing as she was one of _Crystal's_ friends. I had expected her to be a slut, seeing as she had been practically having coitus in the middle of the room just a few minutes ago. She and her boyfriend weren't bad, but that didn't mean I liked them. I didn't want to talk to them, and I told them as much. That was when Little Miss Spoiled Brat got annoyed and demanded I explain myself. As if she expected me not only to listen to her pointless drivel, but thank her during and afterwards for it. She asked me what my problem was, and her boyfriend made some moronic comment about me 'not getting any'.

"Just because I'm not interested in fucking in the middle of a busy cafe?" I'd asked pointedly, smirking.

"Don't pretend you weren't watching; I saw you," the woman had retorted. "And you looked pretty shocked! I bet you've never seen that sort of thing before, am I right?"

I'd looked down and done my best to ignore her. She wasn't worth getting angry over, and if I did Gold would probably get upset. He had been the one who had invited me, and I knew he wanted me to have a good time. I might not have bee able to have a good time, but I had resolved at least not to resort to violence. I'd heard a scraping of chairs, and the woman reappeared at my side, leaning her chin on my shoulder. I didn't like people getting close to me like that. She had no right to be so touchy-feely with a person she'd just met.

"What are you afraid of, eh?" she had said, right in my ear. I didn't like that. I didn't like that at all. Mr Boyfriend had started laughing. As if he didn't mind his girlfriend practically feeling up another man.

"Or are you just insecure about this?" And she reached down and touched between my legs. It was probably a good thing that Gold held me back, because if I'd started hitting her I wouldn't have been able to stop. Damn bitch. Didn't she realise that doing that was illegal? Sure, she was drunk and probably didn't know what she was doing, but that was no excuse.

I wasn't the one who was in the wrong. I had every right to smack that girl senseless. So why did Gold have to go and look at me like that? It was the first time... the first time I think he'd ever been really, truly angry with me. It wasn't fair. I had been acting like a bear with a sore head, but what happened wasn't my fault. So what if I had overreacted? It wasn't my fault.

I heard my name being called. "Silver? Are you in here?" It was Gold. I heard him close the door and pad across the hallway to the bathroom where I lay.

"You left the door open, you know," he said, standing over me. He knelt down by my side and helped me into a sitting position. I groaned, feeling the blood rushing from my head. Gold sighed. "God, Sil, you really overdid it."

He slung my arm over his shoulder and helped me get to my bed. He disappeared for a moment before coming back with a glass of water, a packet of aspirin and the washing up bowl (in case I needed to be sick again). He wiped the vomit from my chin and hair with a wet cloth, before turning it over and laying it on my clammy forehead. Then he gave me two pills. I took them, and he put the glass of water to my lips. I gratefully took it and gulped the whole glass down in one go. As soon as I had finished, I felt it rising back up in my throat and Gold only just managed to hand my the bowl in time.

I groaned, closing my eyes. My head was throbbing and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Gold brushed my hair back with his hands and kissed my forehead. "You go to sleep, okay?" he whispered.

I couldn't bear him being so nice to me. I wanted to stay angry at him, but it was so difficult when he was always so kind. I hated his kindness. It came so easily to him, almost as easily as being cruel did to me. And I was cruel. All the time. He shouldn't forgive me so easily.

"Why did you come back?" I muttered, letting my head flop forward and rest against Gold's chest. He kissed the top of my head.

"I had to make sure you got home okay," he said. "And it's a good thing I did; you left the door wide open!"

"You'll miss the party."

"That's okay, I was there a long time anyway. And it was Crystal who told me to come after you." Gold lowered himself down so that he was lying on the bed, his arms still wrapped around me. "I wouldn't have been able to relax anyway, not after you left like that."

Way to pour on the guilt, moron, I thought. I felt my stomach lurch again, and I propped myself up and leaned over Gold to reach the washing-up bowl. Gold sat up and rubbed my back as I retched helplessly. I was sick until there was nothing left in my stomach to bring up. My body kept trying to vomit anyway, making my belly clench in painfully on itself. I laid on my side, whimpering softly, not caring that Gold could hear.

He laid down beside me, facing my back, and snaked his arm around my middle. He began rubbing my stomach is soft, circular motions. It felt comforting, so I let him do it. But then I started to feel bad. A horrible, twisting sensation began to form in the pit of my belly.

Gold was being so good to me. I never did anything for him. All I ever did was hurt him. That was the trouble with Gold. He was so simple, so much so that he made everyone else seem dirty and fake. Even me. Especially me.

I squirmed away. "Get off," I grumbled. Harsh words to drive him away. He stood up and went to the door.

"Goodnight, Silver," he said. I wanted to hit him. Maybe then he'd remember he was supposed to be angry with me.

I got up early in the morning to make Gold breakfast. I had a splitting headache, every little noise sounded like a foghorn blasting through my skull, my throat was as dry as Mars, I felt like death and the putrid taste of vomit and alcohol still lingered in my mouth, and I still managed to drag myself out of bed and make a proper breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, mushrooms and beans. When I'd made it, though, I began to wonder whether Gold, with his sweet tooth, would prefer pancakes, so I made those as well. And then I started worrying that it looked like I had made too much of an effort, and that he would tease me for it.

I didn't want him laughing at me, so I was about to scrape the bacon and eggs into the bin (leaving him with only the pancakes) when he trailed in, dragging his feet. The whites of his eyes were all red, and I guessed he hadn't had a good night's sleep.

"You made breakfast?" he said, perking up slightly.

"No," I said stupidly, though there was one full plate in my hand and another on the table.

"Which one's for me?" he asked, ignoring my protests and starting to smile.

My gaze dropped to the floor. "Both of them," I mumbled.

"What?"

"I didn't know which one you wanted, so I made them both. Is there a problem with that? If you don't want it then how about I just throw it out!" I said defensively, heat rushing to my cheeks. I had to scare him, to put him off making fun of me. I couldn't bear being laughed at by anyone, let alone by _him._

"No, don't do that," Gold said, smiling. It was like he'd forgotten all about last night's events. "...Didn't you make yourself anything?"

Ugh. The mere mention of me eating something was enough to make my stomach churn and all the blood run from my head. I must have been making a face, because Gold laughed sheepishly.

"Yeah, maybe not," he said, walking over to me. He looked up at my face, frowning. "Wow, you look horrible. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I never said I was okay," I groaned. "I feel like shit. I'm gonna die."

"You're such an idiot," Gold said quietly, amusement in his voice. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug, resting his head on my chest. After a week of him avoiding any sort of physical contact with me, I somehow couldn't find it in myself to push him away.

"That's my line," I muttered, letting him hug me. My hand lifted on it's own to hover beside his face, my fingers just brushing slightly against his hair, which was sticking out in all directions as it always did after he slept. "Get away from me, I stink," I murmured.

Gold reached up to grab my hand that was beside his face and pulled it down to rest my palm against his cheek. "Like I care," he said, stepping back but holding my hand where it was. He turned his head slightly and kissed the side of my thumb. Then he smiled at me, showing the gap between his front teeth. His shaggy hair fell over his eyes, and without thinking I raised my other hand to brush it aside.

"You need a haircut," I said.

"You need a shower," he shot back. His voice softened. "Go back to bed."

II wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now that I had been up and about, but I had to agree that I desperately needed to wash. I reeked of sweat and beer and vomit and that tangy incense Crystal had practically suffocated us with, and it was doing nothing for my mood.

I pulled away. "Eat your breakfast," I muttered, before pushing past Gold and making a swift exit. For God's sake! We were both _men, _we should act like it! That meant _not_ hugging and touching in the middle of the kitchen at eight-thirty in the friggin' morning! I suddenly got the urge to go back in there and tell him as much, but the bathroom was calling to me and I couldn't ignore it.

I emerged ten minutes later as refreshed as I'd ever be. My head was still spinning, and I collapsed in a heap on the couch. Gold made me a cup of coffee, heaping three sugars into the mug even though he knew I never had sugar in my coffee. He handed it to me and sat down beside me.

"So," he said, a little awkwardly. "Do you want to tell me what happened last night?"

I took a deep breath and blew gently on my coffee to cool it. I had a feeling he would bring the subject up sooner or later. I took a few sips, taking my time in answering. "I was drunk," I said, hoping that would be a sufficient explanation. I really didn't feel like sharing the exact details of the incident with Gold. It was too humiliating.

"I know that," Gold said. He was looking away, obviously embarrassed. "I mean, you said you wanted to go, but then as soon as we got there it was like... you'd suddenly forgotten all that. You... weren't exactly in a good mood, y'know."

I sighed. He was right, of course. I had gone voluntarily, nobody had forced me, and I had wanted to behave properly. But as soon as I saw Gold with Crystal, I knew I wouldn't be able to. I saw her hanging onto him, and the will I had to be good broke. I didn't care if I ruined her party. Seeing how happy Gold looked when he was with her, I had sort of _wanted_ to ruin it. I didn't know why.

"Does it really matter?" I asked, trying my best to make my eagerness to get off the topic unapparent.

"Well, I'd like to know." Which was just another way of saying yes, it did matter. "Someone wanted to call the police, but Crystal managed to talk them out of it- she's a good person, Silver."

"So you keep saying," I said curtly. I was sick of Crystal this and Crystal that. I barely knew her and it was like she was slowly taking over my life.

"She was really understanding and all, but I still want to know-"

"Look, can we go one day without talking about her? Just _one day?"_ I snapped, turning my head to glare at him. He looked hurt, and I sighed and rubbed my forehead with my free hand. "...She tried to touch me."

"What? Who did?" Gold asked, clueless.

"That woman I was going to kick in, that's who!" I said angrily, looking down in embarrassment. "She grabbed my dick, and I had every right to smash her fucking skull in!" I turned on Gold. "Well?" I demanded.

He lowered his eyes. "Sorry, I didn't know," he said. "I mean, not that I'd have let you hit her if you did, but... I just thought, since you were drunk and all..."

"That I was the one to blame?" I asked accusingly. I was being unfair and I knew it. If I was to have to choose who was most likely to be at fault between the antisocial guy who had acted like a douche all night and the relatively short woman who had previously been chatting and kissing her boyfriend, I knew which one I would choose. I suppose I was just angry that he hadn't taken my side. But that was Gold for you. Always trying to be fair no matter what.

"Whatever," I said. "It doesn't matter."

"It does," Gold said, shuffling closer to me. "I'm sorry, Silver."

That hurt. I had been horrible to him, and here he was apologising to me. Like my behaviour was his fault. I knew I should be the one apologising, but I'd be damned if I was going to do it. I hated Gold for making me feel guilty- amongst other things. I was turning into a sap because of him. Maybe that was his plan all along. He had been slowly wearing my defences down ever since we first met seven years ago, and I hadn't noticed it until it was too late. He'd already given me a conscience and a sense of decency and the ability to feel things other than anger and disdain. I knew that if it weren't for him, I wouldn't feel the way I did. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't feel so weak.

"You're birthday's coming up soon," I said, trying to change the subject. "What do you want?"

He looked at me, biting his lip, as if trying to make up his mind about something. "I want you to say-" he cut himself off suddenly, pursing his lips together. Then he smiled sadly. "Never mind," he said quietly. "I wouldn't get it anyway."

–

**What was it that Gold wanted Silver to say? I'll leave it up to you to decide, though in my mind I had him saying 'I want you to say you love me' or something along those lines. The fact that he doesn't think there's any point in asking because it would be an impossible request is a little sad, I think...**

**Even though Silver behaved really badly at Crystal's party, I still feel sorry for him because he was groped... Even though I am fully against violence, I'd have probably tried to attack someone if they did that to me, too! As you can see, he's a bit concerned about Gold and Crystal's relationship. I wonder where that will go!**


	13. Love and a Birthday

On the morning of my birthday, Silver gave me a small parcel and a kiss on the cheek. He kissed the air in front of my face first time, and had to do it again. Even then, he ended up bumping his nose against my cheekbone. When he pulled back he was redder than a tomato and so flustered he could barely speak. There was a smudge of blood on his upper lip from when he had hit his nose. I rubbed my throbbing cheek and tried to hug him, but he shoved me back and was out of the room before I could even blink.

I had to open my present alone in the living room. It was a neck chain, quite heavy and made of either silver or white gold. It consisted of two thin tubes twisting around each other, like a pair of silvery snakes, and joining at the tips to make a loop. I put it on right away, grinning like an idiot. Then I opened his card. It had a black-and-white picture on the front of a cat making a rude gesture at some mice.

I laughed at the message inside.

_Dear Gold,_

_Happy Birthday. Don't expect me to say anything mushy; that's not me. I'll just have to call you an idiot and you'll have to figure out what I really mean. See you in the kitchen._

_Love, Silver._

_(P.S. Sorry I'm such a grumpy bastard)_

Except the 'Dear' and 'Love' had been crossed out and replaced with 'To' and 'From', and under '_I'll see you in the kitchen'_ he had started another sentence which began with '_Just so you know', _only he had scribbled it out so deliberately that the black biro lines had been carved valleys into the paper. He obviously really didn't want me to see whatever he had written.

I went into the kitchen. Silver was making himself a cup of coffee. Even with his back to me, I could tell his movements were very stiff.

"Fancy seeing you here," I said, grinning. He didn't look at me; just carried on staring straight ahead. I sidled up next to him so I could get a better look at his face. He had his poker face on. Figures.

"Do you like it?" He kept his voice carefully neutral, but from what I could tell I would say he was nervous.

"Yeah," I smiled. I hooked my arm around his waist and he turned around to face me. His gaze was glue to one side as he refused to meet my eyes.

"Throw the card away," he murmured. "Just... Just throw it away."

I bit my lip. I didn't want to throw it away, but I hadn't thought of how difficult it must have been for Silver to write. It would have been easy for anyone else to write, and people who didn't know Silver might even consider his words rude. But I knew him better than that. Silver wasn't the sort who would give in to old habits easily. It had probably taken him over an hour to even write the word 'sorry'. I couldn't help but wonder how much sleep he had lost over a simple birthday card.

And yet he had still given it to me.

Oh God, I loved him so much. I cupped his face in my hands and leaned up to kiss him, and he let me. Probably because it was my birthday, but I didn't want to think about that. "I love you," I told him. He raised his hands and moved mine from his face, nodding jerkily. I was disappointed, though I shouldn't have been. There was no reason for Silver to say 'I love you too' just because it was my birthday.

Crystal gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek when I came in for work. "Happy Birthday!" she cheered. "Eighteen years old! You're a big boy now, Gold."

"Wasn't I always?" I asked teasingly, and Crystal smirked.

"I'll have to ask Silver about that!"

"Shut up," I grinned, giving her a playful swipe. Then Alan came out of the kitchen to tell us to get a move on in setting the tables. During the time I set out my half of the cafe, Crystal had managed to set out hers _and_ blow up some balloons with _18 _written on them to hang around the counter. I sighed.

"Don't tell me you bought those specially," I said. Trust her to choose the expensive metallic-coloured ones.

"It doesn't matter, your present didn't cost me anything," she said, unfazed. She had knitted me a stuffed animal, though I wasn't quite sure what it was and didn't like to ask. It was grey and lumpy and had long ears, so at first I thought it was a rabbit. But it also had antlers (made of wire) and a long tail made out of a string of plastic beads. It was no beauty, but like everything else about Crystal, it had it's own weird charm.

I decided to call it Crystal, though I didn't tell her that. She'd probably ask why and be offended when I told her that it was because it was so 'unique'! She must have spent a lot of time making it for me, so it was the least I could do.

Alan let me leave early, seeing as it was my birthday. Crystal lit up when she heard this, but then wilted when he told her that she had to complete her shift. She scowled at me and I shrugged helplessly, feeling guilty about leaving her to do the work for both of us. But not guilty enough to stay behind with her. I was fit to drop, and just wanted to get home. It was my _birthday_, I was allowed to be self-centred for once!

Silver had ordered a Chinese takeaway for our tea.

"Just because I don't feel like cooking," he told me straight away. The fact that king prawn rice was my favourite meal obviously had nothing to do with it. I smiled at him and nodded, trying desperately to resist the urge to kiss him again.

We ate our dinner in the living room while watching the entire last series of _Torchwood_- the _Children of Earth_ sequence. I sniffled all the way through the last few episodes and started screaming at the television during the death scene.

"Just tell him you love him, you bastard!"

Silver rolled his eyes. "They're only acting, stupid," he said, pushing my shoulder so I tipped to one side and accidentally dropped my empty plate on the floor. He didn't complain, though. "Hey," he said suddenly. "Go and get me a cola."

"But I'll miss the end!" I whined. But I got up anyway when he glared at me.

"Just do it," he snapped. "They're in the fridge."

I stuck my tongue out at him as I traipsed out of the living room and into the kitchen. I squatted down and opened the fridge, looking through the shelves in the door for the cans. There were none. "We haven't got any," I shouted, and Silver called in reply: "They might be at the back."

Sighing in annoyance- even though I knew what happened, I didn't want to miss the last episode- I began to root through the half-empty cartons of milk and processed ham to reach the back of the fridge. I gasped when I did. On a chipped plate behind a head of lettuce was a small brown cake with chocolate icing. My name was spelled out with M&Ms on top, and there was a single candle poking out the centre. It was a birthday cake.

I dashed back into the living room, grinning from ear to ear. Silver was curled up in a ball on the sofa, hiding his face in a cushion. I could feel the heat emitting from him from where I stood. One look told me he knew exactly what I had found. I hopped over to the sofa and perched on the edge of the seat, beaming.

"Thanks, Silver," I said.

"Wh-What for? I-I don't know what you're talking about!" I could barely make out his voice for the cushion he was pressing to his face.

I leaned over to him, hooking my hands over his shoulders. He seized up. "Silver," I said gently. "Let me see your face." He didn't reply, and curled up even tighter. I moved a hand from his shoulder to brush back his hair, and kissed his crimson-tipped ear. I was surprised when Silver actually squeaked in embarrassment. He let go of his cushion and pushed me so hard that I toppled clean off the sofa and onto the floor. He strode over me and out of the room, yelling, "It doesn't mean anything!"

He went for a long walk, and I didn't follow him. I figured he needed time to cool off. When he got back it was past ten o'clock, and I was in a state between wake and sleep. My job really took it out of me, but I didn't want to go to bed without thanking Silver properly. It wasn't often, bordering on never, that he would make such an effort.

But he wouldn't even let me hug him when he got back. He went straight into the bathroom and locked himself in, claiming he needed to shower- but I knew he wasn't doing anything. He was just avoiding me.

I sat outside the bathroom door so I could talk to him. "Silver, I know you're not in the shower. I can't hear it."

"That's just your crap hearing," he replied, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Please come out," I said. When he refused to reply, I decided to take a different approach. "Come out or else!"

"Or else what?" he snapped, and I smiled, happy that I had at least provoked a response. I leaned back to lie down on the floor and propped my legs up on the bathroom door.

"Y'know what I love about you, Silver?" He had asked for this, and who was I to decline him? I listened for an answer, but there came none, and I smiled and raised my eyebrows. Obviously he wanted me to continue. "That way you look at me, you know, when you're pretending you're not looking but actually you are. And if I look at you when you're doing it, you go all red and turn away. And when we go to the bar sometimes, you make me order the strawberry juice so you can order the beer, and then we switch over when nobody's looking. Another thing I like is when you do something and say you're doing to complete opposite. Remember when you stopped that guy from hitting me at the train station, and then you said it was just because you knew the guy and he needed to be taken down a peg? But you couldn't even tell me his name? Do you remember that, Silver?"

"_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"_ Silver swung open the bathroom door, letting my feet fall to the floor, and stormed out in a rush of heated embarrassment. I struggled to my feet, laughing helplessly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I spluttered, trailing after him into the bedroom. He switched the light off and got in bed, even though he was still wearing his outdoor clothes.

"I'm sleeping, go away!" he said furiously. I scrunched my face up, sulking.

"You're so mean, Silver," I said childishly.

"And winter is cold," he said. I pursed out my lips grumpily- I had wanted to spend more time talking with him- and turned to leave. I suppose I couldn't have everything.

"Oi." I whirled around as Silver's voice hit my ears.

"Yeah?" I said anxiously. He didn't say anything else. He didn't even look at me. But he pulled back the duvet and shuffled along the mattress to press himself up against the wall. I wasn't the sharpest of people, but I understood what he meant straight away. I went over and laid down next to him, pulling the covers up to my waist.

My hands crept up Silver's back. "Turn around," I whispered, and he did, which I wasn't expecting. I cuddled up to him, wrapping my arms around his middle and leaning my forehead against his chest. "I love you," I murmured. I tightened my grip on his T-shirt, desperate, silently praying for him to say something, _anything_, that hinted that he returned my feelings.

But of course, he didn't. My chest started hurting. "I love you," I said again, slightly louder.

_Say it. Please, say it._

"I love you, I love you..." My eyes started stinging. I tried to gulp the tears back down, I really tried. But I didn't succeed. I began to sob.

"G-Gold..."

Silver only used my name when he was either angry or worried, and from his tone I knew it was the latter. I felt horrible. Silver had tried so hard for me today, and yet I still couldn't be satisfied. I was being so selfish. But I couldn't stop crying, no matter how hard I tried.

"Tell me you love me," I begged, my tears soaking his shirt. "You don't have to mean it. Just please... Tell me you love me."

Slowly, Silver's arms curled around me and he gripped my back of my jacket. He pulled me closer to him, resting his chin on top of my head. And though it felt good to have him hold me, I was still sobbing and begging him, "Please, please..."

Silver held me and hugged me and stroked my hair. But not once did he tell me 'I love you'.

–

**Despite the downer ending (poor Gold...) I enjoyed writing this chapter. I'm glad that I got to write Silver trying hard to make Gold happy, as opposed to hurting him like he usually does. He'll be hating himself for it, though! Gold is turning him into such a bleeding heart, heh heh!**

**That part where Gold was yelling at the television screen was actually based on what I did when watching that episode! Here's the scene. I promise you, you'll want to shout the same thing.**

**http:// www(dot)youtube(dot)com /watch?v=u8zjzcBJnUM**

**Just delete the spaces and replace the (dot)s with . and you'll be there! Be warned, it's a sad scene, so don't watch it unless you're in the mood for a good cry.**

**I'm not entirely sure what I want to happen next chapter, so if you want to suggest anything I'll be very grateful!**


	14. Love and Life

I tied my hair back in a ponytail, then had to fold it over and secure it again in a sort of bun at the back of my head. It really was getting too long. I'd have to cut it when I got back- it wouldn't take much, just a few snips across the tips of my hair with the kitchen scissors. Blue was always nagging at me to go to a barber, but why would I want to pay for something I could do in the comfort of my own home for free?

I pulled my goggles down over my eyes and dived into the water. I always did fifty lengths of the pool at the gym on Saturday mornings. The water got up my nose and stung and the chlorine played murder on my skin and I hated being so exposed in just my swimming shorts- but I was a good swimmer. I could front-crawl fifty metres in little over half an hour, and it felt good to overtake the dicks who strutted around in their Speedos like they owned the place. It kept me strong, and that was the main thing.

Gold had been acting strangely. Strangely in how he wasn't acting strangely at all. After his breakdown on his birthday, I had expected him to be at least a little resentful of me. But when he woke up the following morning he acted as if nothing had happened. Though his eyes were red and his nose sore from crying, he smiled cheerfully at me and gave me his usual kiss goodbye before leaving for work. He didn't seem upset at all. He was normal. He was happy.

Even though he had stopped touching me again. And once or twice I had caught him looking at me with a look in his eyes that didn't suit his usually grinning face. A look I couldn't quite understand, but had seen before. It was the look Mom used to give Father. Before she left.

As I dried my hair off in the changing rooms, I wondered if Gold was going to leave me. Well fine then, if that was what he wanted. I didn't need him. I started thinking about all the things I could do if Gold wasn't there weighing me down. But at the end of it all, life would just continue as normal. I would carry on living in my leaky apartment, working my dead-end job from nine 'til five, whittling away the batteries until I died. Alone.

I'd never really thought about it before, but now that I did, it didn't take much to know that that wasn't what I wanted out of life. It was how I had lived for a long time, but then Gold came along and suddenly my pace was disrupted and everything was different. I was still living in my leaky apartment and working my dead-end job; life wasn't perfect. But it wasn't boring any more.

I got dressed thinking about this. I was still thinking about it when I went into the fitness suite. I sat myself down on one of the weight benches, ready to sweat out all my problems. It wasn't fair. It never was. Gold had made me realise how dull my life was before he started wreaking havoc. If he went away, would I be able to live like that all over again? It was like... like I'd been living in a cave all my life and suddenly I was outside, breathing the air and seeing the world. And now I'd seen it, I didn't want to go back to living in the cave again.

Shit. Not only was Gold turning me into a sap, he was making me a bloody philosopher too. That wasn't me. _I_ wasn't me. I was turning into something that I didn't want to be, and it was all his fault. Like on his birthday. A few years ago I would _never_ have done all that stuff. I thought I'd die before I made someone a birthday cake. I thought I'd die before I ever said 'sorry'.

Remembering how much I had embarrassed myself, and all for the sake of _Gold, _I was filled with rage and cranked up the weights to the heaviest level. My arms buckled at the elbows and the bar fell on my chest. I turned onto my side and pushed it off me and onto the floor with a clang, coughing uncontrollably. When I finally recovered and sat back up, half the gym was staring at me. I glared back, and most of the eyes that were on me averted. One guy kept watching me, though, with a creepy, blank look on his face. He was about my age, and wearing a red beanie hat over his black hair. And he was looking at me with eyes like a lifeless doll's.

"What are you looking at?" I snapped.

He blinked at me. "Do you want an answer or was that a rhetorical question?" he asked. His voice was a dull monotone, and though he was sitting on a cycling machine, he wasn't using it. He was just sitting. He was starting to freak me out.

"Whatever," I muttered, wiping my forehead on the back of my hand and heaving the weights up from the floor.

I didn't stick around for long after the little weight-dropping incident, mainly because I was humiliated and felt like people were laughing at me. I made sure to do a good dozen or so lifts on a reasonably heavy weight just so everyone would know that I _could_ lift it if I wanted to, then made a swift exit. I didn't even bother to shower, though the back of my shirt was soaked with sweat and my hair was sticking to my forehead.

I wasn't much looking forward to getting back to my flat and seeing Gold. As well as his funny looks and irritatingly _normal_ behaviour, he was coming down with a cold and would probably be moping.

"I'm back." I was almost angry that I had gotten used to announcing everything I was about to do before I did it for the sake of Gold.

There was no reply, and I frowned. Usually Gold would come to greet me and give me a 'welcome home' kiss on the cheek. Not that I missed that. The bathroom across the hall was open, so he wasn't in there. I checked the bedroom first, half suspecting he would still be in bed, but he wasn't.

I found him in the living room, curled up on the sofa and snoring. It looked like he had been in the middle of reading a girly magazine when he fell asleep, because it was laid over his face. He was wearing what looked like a a cross between a blanket and a dressing gown, and I rolled my eyes. He looked like such a moron, snoring there on the sofa with Simon Cowell's smug face spread out over his head.

I strode over to him, ready to wake him up. Except I didn't. After a moment's pause, I slid the magazine from his unresisting hands and placed it on the coffee table beside him. His blanket was hanging half off his body, so I pulled it back over him without thinking. He opened his eyes.

"Silver?" he sniffed, wiping his red nose. "Welcome home. I won't kiss you, I don't want to give you my cold." He smiled at me, eyes watering. I looked away.

"What the hell are you wearing?" I said rudely, and he went pink in the face.

"My mom bought it for me," he said sheepishly. "Cuz your apartment has no heating, and she didn't want me to catch a cold. A bit late for that though!" He laughed, then had to stop to sneeze, spraying me with spittle. I wiped my face, scowling at him. "Sorry," he said. "Mom said she'd get you one if you wanted, by the way."

"If I wanted one, I'd put my robe on backwards," I said scathingly. If he thought I would want to wear something that made me look so ridiculous, he had another thing coming.

"It's not a robe, it's a blanket with sleeves," Gold said childishly, and I resisted the need to sigh exasperatedly. I didn't bother explaining that a blanket with sleeves was basically was a bath robe _was._

I left him to enjoy his 'blanket with sleeves' and went to have a shower. I really needed one since I hadn't used the ones at the gym. Afterwards I brushed my damp hair out properly so that it was perfectly straight, and tied it in a ponytail to keep it all together. Then I took the scissors from the kitchen drawer and went into the living room to the mirror, measuring with my fingers how much I needed to chop off. If I kept my hair in a ponytail I'd only have to cut once as opposed to the long, unnecessary snipping process you'd get at your average barbers'.

"What'cha doing?" Gold asked, wiping his dripping nose on his sleeve and sitting up properly.

"Cutting my hair," I replied. "It's too long." And when I said too long, I _meant_ too long. It already reached more than halfway down my back. I could afford to lose an inch or two, maybe more.

It was difficult to reach the back of my head with the scissors. I had to use my left hand to keep my hair still, so I couldn't hold a mirror at the back of my head to let me see what it looked like. I let out a heavy sigh of frustration and sat down on the couch. I pushed the scissors into Gold's hand.

"Just cut off an inch," I instructed. I was met with confused eyes, and I raised my hand to show the small length with my fingers. "This much." Gold raised his eyebrows and his mouth formed an 'oh' of realisation.

"Are you sure?" he asked, shuffling closer so that he was kneeling behind me.

"Yes, I'm sure," I snapped. "It's not difficult, Gold, just chop off the end!"

"If it's not difficult why don't you do it?" he asked helplessly. I rolled my eyes. I knew Gold wasn't smart, but even he could handle cutting off a little bit of hair. It was a shame he couldn't see that.

"Just do it."

"Okay." Gold took a deep breath and shifted around a little where he knelt. He hooked the scissors around his left hand and gave them a few practice snips, taking my ponytail in his other hand and measuring the length he had to cut off between his fingers. Then he opened the scissors and held them around the end of my hair. "I-I'm gonna do it," he said. "Ready?"

"Get on with it!"

Gold inhaled sharply. Then he inhaled again. And again, making a stuffy 'ahh' noise in the back of his throat. It only clicked in my head what was happening when it was too late. He sneezed. The scissors slipped, and I heard the _shh!_ sound as they closed and cut through.

Gold gasped. I froze. It seemed like an age before either of us spoke.

"_Gold," _I hissed shakily. "What did you just do?"

"I... I..." He sounded like he was about to burst into tears. Not a good sign.

"You'd better not have done what I think you've done," I said. My voice was getting louder and higher.

Gold's quivering hand appeared at my side. In it he held something long and fiery red. My hair. For a moment I could only stare, my eyes bulging out of my head. Then my hands shot to the back of my neck, feeling frantically for what was no longer there.

Gold had cut off my whole ponytail.

"Oh my God." I couldn't manage more than a whisper. I leaped to my feet and sped to the mirror, staring at myself in horror. Thanks to how it was tied back, the front of my hair still reached past my chin, but only just. It continued at a diagonal slant to the back of my head, leaving my neck exposed. I had to take a step back.

"What the hell!" I yelled, turning on Gold. He flinched and backed away.

"I... I didn't mean to!" he whimpered, snuffling.

"You're fucking _eighteen _years old, you should at least be able to use a pair of scissors!" I shouted. I gripped what was left of my hair. "Oh God, oh God..." I was panicking and I knew it. I'd never be able to leave the building like this!

"I'm sorry." Gold started to cry.

"Oh shit, no, don't you dare... _damn!"_ I threw my arms back to down to my sides. "_You_ shouldn't be the one crying here! Look at me, you can see my neck!"

Gold wiped his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with your neck," he said, and I snorted. Of course there was- it was too long and made me look like some deformed giraffe, and I had more than a few spots scattered along my hairline.

"Ugh." I hugged my hands around the back of my neck, feeling horribly exposed without my hair. Gold curled back into a ball, hiding his face is his stupid backwards robe. I didn't care if I had upset him; he'd just practically scalped me, for God's sake! I was lucky he had just cut my hair and not my head. Snatching up the scissors, I stormed out of the room.

I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. Every time I passed by a mirror I did a double-take. I couldn't quite recognise myself. Gold didn't mention my hair, but he kept staring at my head, which wasn't exactly encouraging. I contemplated cutting my hair again so that it was all the same length, but I really didn't fancy the idea of it getting any shorter.

That night in bed, I kept my back to him. He snuggled up to me and stroked my hair and kissed the back of my neck.

"You still look beautiful," he whispered.

I elbowed him in the ribs.

–

**Chapter done! I'd better get on with the author's note fast so I can get to school on time! I'd like to use this author's note to say goodbye to someone very special to all of us.**

**R.I.P. Silver's hair. I hate to see you go. You can blame it all on my friend Ernoma, whom I brainstormed the contents of this chapter with. Good night, sweet prince. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, etc.**

**Bonus points for anyone who knows who that black-haired man at the gym is (I thought I'd made it pretty obvious though!), and extra bonus points for anyone who understood Gold's 'blanket with sleeves'!**


	15. Love and Relaxation

Silver had been in a bad mood with me lately, and I supposed I couldn't blame him. I _had_ sliced off almost all his hair. It was still fairly long at the front, but was very short at the back-short than mine- and showed the nape of his neck, which I knew he hated. I had taken the scissors and offered to touch it up for him- it looked terrible half-long, half-short- but he had refused. Loudly. Several times.

I was still desperate for him to say those three special words, but I didn't like to push the matter. Not after what happened last time.

Things had changed since then. I couldn't say 'I love you' as often as I would have liked to. Not that I was beginning to doubt my feelings for Silver, that was far from the truth. It was just that saying it had begun to hurt. Every time I would tell him I loved him, every time he refused to tell me he loved me back, my chest would start stinging and my throat would close up. I wasn't sure how much longer I could deal with his constant rejections. I still loved him. I loved him so much. But it was killing me.

I had stopped touching him again under Crystal's instructions, and did so willingly. I wanted a break from being pushed away, and holding back meant Silver didn't have the chance to do so. He hadn't done anything about it, of course. I knew he hated me touching him.

Though I didn't say anything about it, Crystal could see something was bothering me. She thrust her owl hand-puppet in my face, twitching it's wings, making it look like it was having a seizure. "Hoo hoo!" she cooed in a silly, high-pitched voice. "Wise Owl sees all! Why so sad, young man?"

Before I could reply, a sour-faced woman stormed up to the counter and banged her hand down on it, announcing loudly that she had been waiting nearly half an hour for her food. Crystal waved Wise Owl at her. "I don't give two hoots!" she sang, flapping his wings, and I started laughing though I knew I shouldn't. The woman's face turned, if possible, even sourer, and she spun round and marched straight out of the shop. Crystal wagged her finger at Wise Owl.

"Bad boy!" she scolded. She turned to me. "I hope Alan didn't see!"

"That better not be dissatisfied customers I hear out there, you two!" Alan shouted from the kitchen, as if on cue. "Work!"

Crystal saluted with Wise Owl still on her hand, accidentally hitting herself in the face with his wing. She stood to attention at the counter for a moment, scanning the room for new customers. Then she slouched over again and smiled at me. "What's up, Gold?"

I sighed, leaning my elbows on the counter and rubbing my face. "I don't know what to do, Crys," I murmured. She put her arm around me and gave me a small hug, and I reached up and squeezed her hand gratefully. "I don't think he loves me." I'd finally said it, and it felt both good and bad to get out in the open.

"Oh no, Gold..." Crystal sighed and put both her arms around me. "That's not true, you know it's not."

"It is. I know it is," I said. There couldn't have been any other explanation for his coldness. I could say 'I love you' so easily because it was true, risking rejection every time. I couldn't think of any reason why Silver would refuse to say it back other than that he really didn't love me. He knew how I felt about him. He didn't have to risk his pride when telling me, because he knew I would never push him away. And I only ever made a move on him when we were in private. So, if not for fear of rejection or shyness, what could be stopping him from saying 'I love you' other than the fact that he couldn't stand me?

My eyes started prickling and I thought I was going to start crying again. Crystal picked up Wise Owl and waved him in front of me.

"Wise Owl knows all! He says: go to the movies with Crystal to relax and keep your mind off things!" 'he' hooted. Crystal lowered her hand and turned back into herself. "Me and Yellow are going to see _Toy Story 3_ tonight. Wanna come?"

I weakened. It was a Monday, and I usually watched the match of the day with Silver on an evening. Neither of us really liked football, but it was one of the rare things we did together and I didn't like it miss it. But looking into Crystal's earnest eyes, I couldn't find it in myself to reject her. And maybe she was right. Maybe I did need a night where I could forget about Silver and just enjoy myself.

"Okay," I said, and she beamed.

"We'll meet you at the multiplex at quarter to seven, okay? The film starts at seven, so don't be late!"

She told me that if I wanted Silver to come along too, that would be fine, but I didn't ask him. I knew what his answer would be. He hated Crystal, for some inexplicable reason, and the last time he had attempted to be sociable things hadn't ended well. I didn't want to ask and have him blow up in my face. Like Crystal said, this was a chance for me to relax. A flat rejection just before going out would not relax me at all.

I had to wolf down my dinner quicker than a wink to leave me time to change out of my work clothes and dash to the multiplex in time. Silver eyed me with disgust.

"Close your mouth, that's fucking gross," he retorted.

"I have to be quick," I said, gulping down my entire glass of water in one go. "I'm meeting Crystal at quarter to seven."

It took Silver longer than usual to reply. "Why?" he asked eventually. It looked like he was struggling to swallow his mouthful of rice.

"Just to see a movie," I replied, slurping up the contents of my bowl and getting to my feet. I gave my cutlery a quick scrub in the ink before dumping them back in the drawer.

"Dry them first," Silver said quietly.

"They'll dry off on their own," I dismissed, hurrying out of the kitchen and across the hallway to the bedroom. I started rooting through my half of the wardrobe, pulling out a simple T-shirt and loose jeans. I pulled my shirt over my head and dumped it on the floor before struggling out of my work trousers, which were a size too small for me. "I'll tidy up when I get back!" I called to Silver, knowing he would make a fuss.

I stumbled back out into the hallway, pulling on my jeans. To my surprise, Silver had left his dinner and was stood in the doorway, looking at me. I smiled at him.

"I'd better get going," I said. "It'll take me forever to walk to the multiplex." I went over to him and linked my hands together at the back of his neck, pulling him down so I could kiss his cheek. Then I waved at him and headed for the door.

"Do you-"

I turned at Silver's abrupt comment. "Do I what?"

Silver opened his mouth to finish his sentence, but no words came out. Just a small, cracking noise in the back of his throat. He gave up trying to make sense of himself and simply sighed. His eyes lowered to the floor. "Nothing," he said quietly. He turned away and went back into the kitchen, saying "Just go. You don't want to keep Crystal waiting."

I smiled, glad he understood. I had been worried that he would be angry that I was breaking off our 'date' to see Crystal, but he had taken it surprisingly well. Maybe he really didn't care.

"See you later," I said, closing the door behind me. I walked down the corridor and down the stairs slowly. I think a part of me was secretly hoping that Silver would come after me. But of course, he didn't.

I was glad to spend time with Crystal and Yellow. They were so carefree, and their cheeriness rubbed off on me. For the time being, I could forget about my situation with Silver and just have fun. We went to KFC after the film, and I shared some spicy chicken wings with Crystal. Yellow didn't have any food, just a lemonade.

"And then, right, _I_ said 'if you liked it you should have put a ring on it'!" Crystal cried, and Yellow and I burst out laughing.

"Crystal, that's so gross!" Yellow giggled, blushing.

I couldn't stay upset. I returned home with my spirits lifted, springing up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. The lights were still on when I entered out apartment, and I could hear the television blaring out the match of the day. I checked my watch. It wasn't even ten o'clock yet. Silver should still be awake.

"Silver, I'm back," I announced uncertainly. He didn't reply, and I frowned. I wondered if he _had_ minded that I had decided to go out after all. "Silver?"

I went into the living room, expecting Silver to be watching the television. I found him sprawled out on the sofa, fast asleep with his thumb in his mouth. I sighed and turned off the TV. It wasn't like him to fall asleep with the lights on and the TV screen flashing. I sat down on the sofa beside him. I gently brushed his hair off his face and kept the back of my fingers resting against his cheek. He murmured incoherently and shifted a little so that the side of his face was squashed against the arm of the chair. I repressed a giggle and lowered my eyes.

And that was when I noticed the material that was twisted around Silver's arms. It was big and light blue and had a line of white buttons stitched down to the end. It was my shirt. Automatically I reached out to take it, but when I tugged at the sleeve, Silver turned over in his sleep, pulling it away and hugging it to his chest. I felt my face heat up. That wasn't fair! Why did he have to keep giving me hope like this?

I shook him gently by the shoulder. "Silver," I whispered. "Wake up." I saw his eyes twitch, and he groaned and swatted me away clumsily. I ducked under his arm and snuggled up to him, thinking he'd get annoyed and wake up. Instead he moaned softly and buried his face in the place between my neck and shoulder. I knew he was only doing it because he was half-asleep, and did all I could to stop myself ravishing him there and then.

"Hey," I said, giving him a little push. "Wake up."

There was a long pause. Then before I knew it Silver let out a horrified yelp and I was hurled off him and onto the floor.

"W-What do you think you're _doing?!"_ he demanded, sitting up and backing away as far as he could, pressing himself against the back of the sofa.

"That's not fair," I whined. "You started it."

"How could I start it; I was asleep, you dumb-ass!" Silver yelled. I pouted and looked pointedly at the shirt that he was still clutching to his chest. He noticed me staring, and slowly dropped his gaze.

His eyes widened when he realised what I meant. His hands tightened around the material and he began to shake. Though his head was bowed, I could see his face turning scarlet.

And all of a sudden, he scrunched my shirt up into a ball and threw it as hard as he could across the room. Then he jumped to his feet and practically ran out of the room. I followed him, but he locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.

"Silver, it's okay. I don't mind!" I said, knocking on the door.

"_I_ mind!" he shot back. There was a dull thud, followed by a gasp of pain. I think he had punched the wall. "Damn it!" he shouted, though he didn't sound angry. Just a severe level of mortification. He punched the wall again and let out a scream of frustration. He carried on punching for a while until I decided enough was enough.

"You'll hurt yourself!" I warned. "Come out. Please. I swear I won't say anything."

I was leaning against the door and nearly fell over when Silver swung it open. He stood there, glaring at me, silently daring me to mention the shirt. My gaze fell on his right hand. There was blood on his knuckles from all the punching.

"Your hand! Oh, Silver," I sighed. I grabbed hold of his wrist and determinedly pulled him into the kitchen. He could have snatched his hand away, but I think he'd realised that it'd just be easier to let me fuss over him. I ran his hand under the cold tap, washing away the blood. His knuckles were red and swollen underneath.

"Have fun with Crystal?" he muttered, eyes glued to the floor. His face was still red, but he wasn't glaring any more.

"Yeah, thanks," I replied, smiling at him. He flinched. It might have been the cold water.

"Good," he said quietly. If didn't know any better, I would have said he looked almost sad.

I took his hand out from under the tap and rubbed it gently, warming him up. His skin felt like ice between my palms. I raised his hand to my lips and blew gently over his frozen skin. Then I kissed his grazed knuckles.

"There," I said. "All better."

Silver hesitated before pulling his hand away. "Don't treat me like a little kid," he grumbled, and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying 'well maybe if you didn't _act_ like a little kid...'. He was supposed to be the mature one, the one who knew what he was doing, and yet he still threw tantrums like a toddler.

But I didn't mind. Not that much.

I wanted to tell him about the movie, but he said he didn't want to know. I had a hunch that it was because he didn't want to hear about Crystal, but I didn't mention it. Instead, we went to sleep in Silver's single-person bed, and for what must have been the hundredth time, I broke Crystal's 'no touching' rule and held onto Silver all night.

–

**A shorter chapter this time around, but I couldn't think of anything constructive to add, and thought I had come to a good stopping place anyway.**

**Even though it's sort of his own fault, I feel sorry for Silver. He's proud- far, _far_ too proud to tell Gold how he's really feeling, and because of that, he's hurting himself and Gold. And Gold, well, I can empathize with him, too. It's understandable that he would think Silver wasn't all that interested in him.**

**I had to add a little fluff in there, of course, with Silver hugging Gold's shirt as he slept. I can just imagine him bitching about how messy Gold is as he picked up the clothes he had left on the floor, then as he picks up his shirt he starts feeling lonely and a bit upset that Gold pretty much stood him up to go out with Crystal. I can see him holding the shirt to his face because it smells like Gold...**

**I'll shut up about that now, though! I'll probably add more to it next chapter, in Silver's point of view.**

**On another note, Ernoma, a friend and reader, has drawn a comic based on this story! It's the first time someone has ever drawn anything based on one of my stories, so I feel very pleased. Here's a link to the picture if you're interested. You know what to do.**

**http://ernoma (dot) Deviantart (dot) com /art/Jealousy-153613535 **

**It's basically Silver getting jealous over Crystal. I love how short Ernoma made Gold! If any of you were wondering, the height difference between Gold and Silver in her comic is pretty much the height difference I imagined for this story.**

**As for next chapter, I'm open for suggestions! I know what the main event will be, but I need other little ideas to pad it out with, so if you're after anything special, feel free to share.**


	16. Love and Revelation

Gold took what happened on Monday night the wrong way completely. The incident with the shirt didn't mean anything, but he obviously thought it did. I could practically _see_ all the stupid ideas about 'love' dancing around his head.

It had honestly been nothing but a coincidence. I had been in a bad mood because Gold had pretty much stood me up to go out and have fun with _Crystal. _I had been stomping around and cursing out all my anger when I tripped over his shirt that he had left on the floor. I figured it needed washing, so I picked it up, intending to put it in the laundry basket. But then the game started and even though I didn't understand or even _like_ football, I went into the living room to watch it. I'd show Gold that I didn't need him there. It was only when I was settled down on the couch that I realised I was still holding his shirt. I couldn't be bothered to get back up, so I just left it there next to me.

I hadn't felt lonely at all. I hadn't hugged the shirt to my chest. I hadn't raised it to my face and inhaled deeply because it held Gold's scent. I hadn't curled up beside it and pretended Gold was there. And I hadn't been squirming and blushing to the roots of my hair because_ I hadn't done_ _any of that._

I hoped Gold's imagination hadn't been running away with it's self. He was probably thinking all sorts of embarrassing things about me.

Or maybe not.

I wasn't quite sure about Gold's feelings for me any more. He had stopped touching me. I knew I always pushed him away when he did, but that didn't mean I didn't want him to at least _try_. He said he loved me, so why didn't he want to do those things with me any more? Not that I was worried or anything. In fact, I should have been _glad_. It was embarrassing enough living with Gold without the 'extracurricular activities'.

It was just that I had a nagging feeling that the reason Gold was avoiding me was Crystal. She seemed to be ruling his life lately. He was always talking about her. And for some reason, every time he mentioned her name, my stomach would start twisting.

I didn't like how he was so obsessed with her. He saw her enough at the cafe, he didn't have to bring her into my apartment as well. I knew I was being unreasonable, but I didn't care. I didn't have any reason to hate Crystal like I did; she had shown nothing but kindness to me. But I still resented her. It was like... like she was taking Gold away from me.

"Thank you, come again." Blue bid a cheery goodbye to an elderly customer and turned to me. "Back in the land of the living?" she asked teasingly. "You've just been staring into space for twenty minutes! Something on your mind?"

"No," I said immediately. Then I sighed. "Yes." I looked around, making sure there was no risk of an interruption. "Blue," I began, taking a deep breath. "What would you do if... say you had a boyfriend and he was always telling you he loved you and trying to kiss you and stuff... and then he starts a new job and suddenly it all stops. A-And he starts talking about this girl he me at work all time time. Like, he starts spending time out of work with her, and maybe... just once or twice he stood you up to meet her instead. W-What would you think?"

"I'd be pretty suspicious," Blue answered truthfully.

"Yeah," I agreed. She put her hand on my shoulder.

"Is this about your girlfriend?" she asked quietly. I nodded slightly in response, and she sighed.

"I know it would be difficult, but why don't you talk to her about it?" she suggested gently. "It's probably nothing. She probably doesn't even realise she's doing it. But if not, well, wouldn't you rather know? I know I would."

That was easy for her to say. She wasn't in my situation. She wouldn't have to risk her pride by setting herself up for a fall. What if I asked Gold and he told me he didn't love me any more? Well. Then things would just turn out exactly as I had predicted.

Blue saw my critical expression and raised her eyebrows at me. "Communication is the key to a good relationship, Silver," she said in an infuriatingly wise way.

I thought about what Blue had said as I walked home. She didn't understand. How could I ask? What was I meant to say? 'Are you cheating on me'? He would be so upset if I did. I pulled at my scarf in frustration, half-gagging myself. Why was I so stressed out over sparing Gold's feelings? That wasn't me. I didn't care if I hurt people, as long as I made it out all right.

I was dying to take my scarf off. It was the middle of June and boiling hot and passers-by in shorts and tank tops were giving me funny looks. The winter scarf stuck out like a sore thumb, and was making my neck sweaty and sore. But I couldn't take it off. I couldn't let anyone see my neck.

The person walking in front of me had slowed down to a snail's pace, and a small traffic jam was forming behind me. I craned my neck to see the cause of the obstruction- an old lady laden down by two heavy shopping bags. Had Goldenrod been a less busy city I would have crossed the road and carried on walking, but the streets were so dense it was difficult to even breathe, and the only possible way of moving was to follow the flow of people.

The slow-moving crowd came to an abrupt halt as the bottom of the woman's plastic bags gave way and sent groceries and greens spilling all over the pavement. As she fumbled for her shopping, the crowd of people that had gathered behind her slowly began to manoeuvre around her and continue on their ways. I watched her as I strode past. She had to have been at least eighty, and her withered hands were shaking as she reached for her shopping.

I took a deep breath and told myself to keep on walking. I didn't get it. The old me wouldn't have even have to think about it. I probably wouldn't have thought twice about stepping over her as she struggled there on the ground. That was the sort of person I was. I didn't give a shit about anybody for three-hundred-and-sixty-four days a year, then at Christmas I would give some money to the charities that came door-to-door every year, and I would convince myself that that was enough to atone for my sins.

But I had changed since then. Gold had changed me. And God damn it, if I didn't help that old crone now, I'd be feeling guilty for the rest of the day. I turned and headed back to her, squatting down and gathering up her shopping.

"Thank you, thank you," she said gratefully. I didn't reply. I just wanted to get her back on her feet and get out of there. I picked up the bags of potatoes and carrots and the wilting cabbage and got to my feet. The woman, weighed down by the packet of kitchen roll, onions and apples, had trouble straightening up, and I was forced to take her arm and help her.

"Here," I muttered, holding out her shopping to her. She hesitated, and it was then that I remembered her broken shopping bags, which lay in tatters on the pavement. I sighed inwardly. Someone up there _really_ didn't like me. I took off my jacket and folded it in half, holding the sleeves together. I put the shopping in the loop that I had made in the bottom, using it as a sort of bag. It took the onions and apples from the old woman and put them in there, too.

"No no, really, I can manage," the old woman was saying as I did so, but I ignored her.

"Where'd you live?" I asked bluntly, and the woman frowned. I rolled my eyes. "If I wanted to rob you I'd do it now," I told her. "I'm going to carry this there for you, if you'd let me." I shook my jacket.

The old hag eyed me suspiciously for a second before deciding to trust me. "Thames House," she said. "It's only five minutes away. Follow me." And to my horror, she took my arm as we began to walk down the street. I ducked my head to hide my face in my scarf, praying that no-one I knew was around.

"You're a saint, young man," the woman gushed. I was beginning to wish I'd left her to get trampled. She had no right to say that to me. She didn't even know me.

"I'm Violet Harding, but you can call me Vi, everyone does," she blathered as we headed up her street. "I'm sorry about this; I'm such an old biddy now, I can't go out of the house without letting someone carry my bag! It's not often you find someone so young willing to help an old lady. Usually it's all rush rush rush- so tied up in their own affairs! You're a real find you are. What's your name, young man?"

"What?" I had switched off halfway through her lingering speech.

"You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying, have you?" Violet said, an amused smile wrinkling her face even more. "Your name. What is it?"

"Silver," I murmured just as we reached Thames House (and not a moment too soon). Thames House was a three storey high terraced block of flats that stretched from one end of the street to the other. It looked like the sort of place an old person would live. It was beige, for one thing.

I escorted Violet to the door of her apartment, making sure she got there okay with her bad back. She let go of my arm and began rooting through her handbag. I thought she was looking for her house key, but then she took out her wallet.

"No, you don't have to... wait, no..." I struggled to dissuade her. What was it with old people and the urge to throw money at anyone they happened to meet in the street?

"Nonsense. You helped me, it's the least I can do," she said, holding her wallet open to me, practically begging me to snatch it and run.

"I'm not taking your money," I said defiantly. Violet tutted and put her wallet back in her bag.

"Well, come in at least. I'll make you a cuppa," she said, unlocking the door. The key clattered against the lock thanks to her shaking, claw-like fingers. I bit my lip and nodded grudgingly, thinking it would be rude to decline, then wondering why I was so eager not to appear rude.

I dragged myself into Violet's flat. It was nothing fancy, decorated with only the bare necessities- it was obvious she wasn't well off, which made me feel guilty that I had even considered taking her money. The lights were dim, making the whole place look like some dusty, pastel-coloured cave.

Violet scuttled over to the kitchen counter and switched on the kettle. "Sit down," she urged. I contemplated making a run for it while her back was turned, but decided against it and sat down on her rock-hard sofa. A minute later I was stuck in a dead-end conversation with an eighty-year-old woman, sipping my tea and pretending it didn't taste like medicine and old people.

"So what do you do, Silver, dear?" she asked, smiling genuinely.

"I work in a shop," I muttered, not wanting to think about how pathetic it sounded. Violet must have thought it was pathetic too, because she shook her head at me.

"A shop! Why aren't you in university?" she asked.

I stayed mute. I had no intention of sharing the fact that I couldn't afford the entrance fees.

"Too stupid, I suppose," I said, wishing it was true. If it was, I wouldn't have the niggling thought in the back of my head telling me I was wasting my life at Goldenrod Department Store, when I could be doing something worthwhile. I had even considered asking Dad to lend me the money, just once or twice. But I would never lower myself to that level.

I forced down the last of my tea and got up to put the mug in the dishwasher. "I should go. I have to get home in time for my... my friend gets back."

"Oh, so soon?" said Violet disappointedly, struggling to turn around in her reclining chair. "Well, take care, dear. And thank you for your help." She gave me a watery smile from where she sat. She couldn't get up to see me out, but she waved feebly as I opened the door. I took a deep breath, hating Gold with every fibre of my being.

And that was how I ended up having dinner at Violet's house. Even though she had just been shopping, I found it difficult to find something substantial to cook. Eventually I settled for omelettes with cheese, mushrooms and onions. Violet waited patiently while I made them.

"You certainly seem to know your way around the kitchen," she remarked. "That's rare nowadays. These days, men are nothing but grown-up children! Always wanting to be mothered."

"I don't have a mother," I said flatly.

"My dear, everyone has a mother!"

"Yeah, but I don't see her," I said. "I've lived on my own since was twelve, so I have to know how to cook." I didn't want her getting the wrong idea. I didn't _like_ cooking; peeling onions made my eyes water and unfamiliar smells made me sneeze. I just did it out of necessity.

"_Twelve!_ Oh you poor boy!" Violet gasped. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not a 'poor boy'. I'm nineteen years old," I told her. "And I chose to leave home. They didn't throw me out or abuse me or anything. I just wanted to get out there, live my life without having to rely on anyone. I wanted to do something different..."

"From the inside of a shop?"

If she hadn't been a frail old lady, I would have told her to fuck off and maybe thought about hitting her. But I suppose I'd walked right into that one. Time to change the subject.

"Here," I said, placing Violet's plate in front of her. "Don't choke on your false teeth or anything."

She burst out laughing. "My teeth are one-hundred percent real! One-hundred percent!" she cackled. "You're not fooling this old girl. My back might be going but my eyes work just fine, and they can see you're a good boy. Why are you trying to hide it?"

I stared at her. "...Eat your food, before it gets cold," I said.

"Exactly! Now, I don't know many people who would be willing to take a little old lady in off the streets and make dinner for her, do you?" she asked. Man, for an old woman, she still had enough fire in her.

"Maybe just one," I mumbled, Gold's scrunched-up, grinning face filling my mind as I sat down opposite her.

"In any case, respecting your elders and all, you should take my word for it! You're a good person, Silver," Violet said. I stared down at my plate, playing with the omelette with my fork, even though I detested it when Gold played with his food and said it was disgusting.

Was what she said true? It couldn't be. A good person, me? I was nothing of the sort. If 'worst temper', 'worst first impression' and 'rudest remark' were Olympic sports, I'd win the gold medal in all three. I had scars on my knuckles from the countless fights I had been in in the past, and I wasn't above giving someone a smack round the head if they got on my nerves. I rarely smiled, and when I did, my smiles just looked painful because I was so unused to it. Ask anyone to describe me- even the people who I called my friends- and the words 'good person' would definitely not be on their list.

But then I started thinking about what she had said. And what I had become since Gold stepped into my life. I started counting up all the things that could be considered 'good' in my head. They began to add up to dozens and dozens. Dear God. How could I let this happen? I had let Gold turn me _nice._

I stuffed the whole of my omelette into my mouth. Stupid Gold. This was all his fault. With his ridiculous grin and his simple mind and the selflessness that came so naturally to him. If he turned me soft, I'd never forgive him. I started thinking about what I should do to prove that I still didn't need anyone.

He'd probably just brush it off and give me a kiss.

"A-ha!" Violet exclaimed suddenly, making me jump. "I know that look," she said jabbing a bony finger in my direction. "You're in love."

I froze.

"Don't deny it, you've been sighing the whole time," she pointed out. "So, who's the lucky lady? You don't have to worry about telling me her name, old Violet, she doesn't know anybody. She can barely tell her bottom from her elbow nowadays!"

"_Lucky?"_ It came out more sarcastic than I'd intended.

"I'm sure there's a lot of girls out there who would give their right arm for a man like you."

"Oh God... Will you just shut up? Please?" I couldn't take it any more. "You don't know me. If you knew me, you'd hate me. You know I said I left home when I was twelve? I stole ten thousand from my dad when I did. When I first met my... girlfriend, I pushed her over and broke into his- _her_ neighbour's house. Even now, I treat her like crap. _That's _who I am." I stood up, heading for the door. "And for your information, I only helped you because I thought I might be able to get some money out of you."

"Then why didn't you just take my wallet when I offered it to you?" Violet asked quietly, looking at me almost sadly. It was obvious she didn't believe a word I was saying. But it was all true.

"Thank you for the meal," I muttered, walking out and shutting the door behind me.

On the way home, I thought about what I had said, about me treating Gold like crap. I had said it without thinking. But it had been so easy to say. I didn't know whether that meant it was true or false. I hoped it was the latter. But it probably wasn't.

I arrived back at my apartment ten minutes before Gold was due back. I went straight into my bedroom and collapsed in the bed. Damn it. Who knew being nice could be so tiring? I shifted slightly. There was lump in the mattress and it was getting on my nerves. I rolled onto the floor and lifted the dark blue mattress, wondering if a sock or something had worked it's way under there.

What I found was a book. I picked it up and let the mattress fall back down. I sat on the bed, frowning at the offending thing in my hand. It was another one of Gold's girly romance mangas, a pink one with swirly writing on the spine. I wrinkled my nose. I wasn't really into manga. The males were annoying and never stopped complaining, the females were useless and never stopped crying. I looked disdainfully at the front cover, only to be taken aback.

From experience, I had learned that the differences between the appearances manga men and women was often indistinguishable (I had once thought that Gold was reading a light, fluffy story about a couple of lesbians before he explained to me that one of them was a boy), but the two characters that were engaged in a suggestive position on the cover looked distinctly _male_ to me. Well, one of them could have been a boyish-looking woman, but he lacked the enormous boobs that were basically the personality of a manga girl. No, the two characters were most definitely men. Getting all loved up for the entertainment of the reader.

My hands started to sweat, though I felt horribly cold. Slowly, I opened the book and flicked through a few pages. There wasn't much of a plot from what I could see. Just ten or so pages of pictures of pretty boys smiling, shouting, crying, or all three. I began to think it was just another of Gold's light and fluffy stories. But then it all went wrong very quickly.

There was kissing. And not the short and sweet type, either. More like a full-on tongue war, with lots of saliva and heavy breathing and flushed cheeks and embarrassing sound effects in the background. I felt my face getting hot. Slowly, with trembling fingers, I turned another page.

The clothes disappeared very quickly. It was about then that I decided that I didn't want to see any more. But I couldn't drag my eyes away, and my shaking fingers kept on flipping the pages over. It was only when I was on a particularly detailed page that showed the main characters, in all their glory, doing something unspeakable that I realised what they were doing. They were having sex. Two men. Having sex.

My breathing sped up. I could hear my blood roaring in my ears. No way, no way... This couldn't be right. It was just a manga. There was no way it could be right. My hands gripped the book tightly. I suddenly realised that there might have been a reason that it was hidden under the mattress. But why did Gold have such a thing in the first place?

_What was he planning?_

Slowly, I turned my head, craning my neck so that I looked down behind me. Could that really work? I placed one hand protectively over my rear, recalling the fingers. And the...

"No way," I hissed. Then I exploded, hurling the book across the room as hard as I could. It made a dent in the wardrobe door. "_No fuckin' way!"_

It was then that I heard the front door open. "Silver, I'm back!"

I stayed where I was on the bed, my fists clenched and my whole body heaving with every breath I took. Gold walked into the room. Seeing the innocent look on his face, nobody would ever believe he hid such a dirty secret under the mattress of my bed. It infuriated me how oblivious he looked.

"Silver?" He waved uncertainly at me. I kept on glaring down at the duvet, not trusting myself to look at him without throttling him. He took a step towards me, before hesitating and stopping in his tracks. He looked at the floor. And then he saw the book.

"Oh my God," he gasped, horrified.

I snapped my head up to glare at him. "You," I hissed. I couldn't say any more.

"Silver." Gold's voice was shaking. "This... isn't what it looks like."

"I think it's exactly what it looks like," I snarled.

"It's not _mine_! It's Crystal's, I was just borrowing it!" he protested feebly.

"And that makes one hell of a difference!" I said sarcastically. My voice was raising with every word. "For God's sake! Why not just slap a sign saying 'Faggot' on your forehead? This is... this is..." I wanted to scream. All this time I had found comfort in knowing that Gold and I would never have to reach the stage where we had to have sex. Talk about a false sense of security!

"You had no right to bring this into my flat!" I shrieked. "You really thought I wouldn't find out? You're more of an idiot than I thought. How much more of this shit are you hiding?"

Gold shuffled his feet. "F-Four more," he mumbled, red in the face. "Under the sofa."

I blanked. Then erupted again. "Get them out!" I shouted. "I am _not_ having these in my house!" Marching across the room, I picked up the pink book and threw it out into the hallway. Then I shook my hand as if it was dirty.

"I'll give them back to Crystal tomorrow, I promise," Gold said desperately. "Please, Silver, don't be so angry."

I sat back down on the bed, angry and humiliated. I was blushing and I knew it. How could I have been so _stupid?_

Gold gingerly settled down beside me. "I'm sorry," he tried. He leaned in closer to me and looked up so his could see my face, which was hidden under my hair. "Silver?"

"I don't-" My mouth snapped shut. But then I remembered what Blue had said. 'Communication is key'. "I don't want... I-I'm not ready... for that sort of thing." It was killing me to say it, and my face felt like it was on fire.

"Oh..." Gold said plainly. Then he said again, "Oh!", as if a light bulb had just flickered on over his head. He grinned sheepishly. "Don't worry!" he said. "I-I wasn't planning on anything. I was just curious and Crystal offered to help me out... It's okay, I didn't mention your name!"

I stared at him incredulously. Then I pushed him so that he toppled over onto his side. I had just totally embarrassed myself for nothing! Gold turned himself around so he was laying next to me and the wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head against my legs.

"You're so cute, Silver," he said, yawning.

"You're so fucking annoying, Gold," I replied, mimicking his honey-covered tone. He giggled and nuzzled his face into my lap. I squirmed and sighed before calming down and letting him fall asleep on me. I unconsciously started stroking his hair, giving him a sharp prod to the head whenever he started snoring.

My mind was filled with images I wished I could forget. I was tired too, but every time I closed my eyes certain things started flashing in front of them and I had to slap myself awake. It was all Gold's fault. I should have been angrier at him than I was. But looking down at him peaceful, sleeping face, I could barely make it to irritated. I was angrier with _myself_ for not knowing. That sort of thing... Was that what Gold wanted to do with me? I knew he said he was just curious, but he must have been curious for a reason.

The images suddenly flooded back with a vengeance. Only it wasn't the bland manga characters enacting them any more. It was me and Gold. My eyes widened and I raised my head to my head, tearing at my hair. No, no, no! I did _not_ need to imagine that! How would I be able to look Gold in the eye now? I wondered if he had been imagining the same thing when he was reading that book. Me and him. Him and me. Kissing and touching and...

I knew my face was bright red. My gaze skittered away from Gold and I stared the the pillow beside me. That idiot. Why wasn't I waking him up and giving him a piece of my mind? Maybe because, deep down, I didn't really mind that much. I had no intention of putting my dick anywhere, and even less intention of lying on my back, blushing and clutching the sheets, but still.

If Gold wanted to do that sort of thing with me... that meant he didn't like Crystal.

…Right?

–

**A much longer chapter to make up for the short previous one! I sure managed to jam a lot in here. I liked the part where Silver was being nice best, though I think it was overshadowed by his shocking revelation at the end!**

**I know Silver keeps hating and blaming Gold for making him nice, but I don't think that's the case. I think Silver was always a good person. It just took Gold to bring out that side of him.**

**Also, I'm pleased to announce that another picture has been drawn in connection to this story! Remember I mentioned that Silver had a fear of bugs? Heh heh heh...**

**http:// ernoma (dot) deviantart (dot) com/art/Phobia-154073287**

**With thanks to my brainstorm buddy Ernoma for drawing it.**

**I'm looking forward to next chapter, as it contains a scene that I've been looking forward to writing for ages *shifty eyes* If you have any requests as to what I should put in the following chapters, as always, I'd be glad to hear them!**


	17. Love and Fear

I winced when I heard Silver sneeze for what must have been the thirtieth time that morning. My cold had finally left me a few days ago and transferred itself over to him, and though it felt wonderful to be able to breathe again, I couldn't help feeling guilty. It was probably because we lived and slept so in such close proximity that Silver was suffering with a sore throat and sneezes.

"Maybe you could cut _my_ hair now?" I asked teasingly. "You did say I needed it!"

"Shut up," Silver replied hoarsely, and burst into fits of racking coughs. I wanted to take care of him, make him soup to soothe his throat and hold a cold cloth to his scorching forehead and tuck him up in bed and phone in sick for work so that I could stay with him. But he wasn't having any of it, swatting me away and telling me to get lost.

He wouldn't even take a day off work. I pleaded and whined and bitched about it, but he refused to listen. I was forced to leave him to his own devices. When I left for work, he was dragging himself around the apartment, sniffing and sneezing and being generally grumpy. I risked getting a cold and a clip round the ear and gave him his goodbye kiss anyway. I wanted to hug him too, seeing as he was probably feeling lousy and needed cheering up, but I remembered Crystal's golden rule and restrained myself.

Speaking of Crystal, she seemed to be going through a strange phase. At the start of the week, she had turned up to work in a Indian sari, bright red with gold trim. The next day she wore a blue kimono, and the day after a Spanish flamenco dress.

"I'm going to wear the traditional dress of every country in the world by the end of the year!" she claimed. "That _must_ be a world record." I couldn't help thinking that she might be setting a world record for something else- the most money spent on ridiculous clothes. Unless she was making them herself, I had no idea how she was even able to find the eccentric costumes she was so used to.

Today, she was finishing off the week with an American theme- dressed as the Statue of Liberty. She had gone the whole hog, not only draping herself from head to foot in a green robe and clipping a star-shaped paper mache crown to her hair, but painting her _skin_ green too.

"I feel a bit silly," she confided. "But duty calls!"

I wondered if she really considered it her duty to stand behind the counter in a Statue of Liberty pose, staying still as a statue until someone new came to order, and then jumping into action and scaring the customer half to death in the process. Not that I was complaining. It meant more work for me, but I got a good laugh out of the process (though I did have to bribe a few customers with a free dessert to stop them making a complaint to Alan).

Crystal thought it was wonderful that Silver was ill.

"Don't you see? This is your chance!" she said excitedly. "You can nurse him back to health and make rub his back, and if he gets all hot from the fever, you can change his clothes for him!"

"He'd never let me do that!" I exclaimed, blushing.

"And you could kiss him better and he'd get all red and flustered, and..."

I sighed and decided let Crystal continue her fan-girlish fantasies uninterrupted. She stood there in her Statue of Liberty pose for nearly ten minutes, practically drooling. She'd wash off her face paint of she wasn't careful, I thought. But suddenly all trace of dreaminess disappeared from her face and was replaced by sheer horror.

"Oh no! Gold, please help me!" she gasped, ducking behind me. Looking around the cafe for signs of a threat, my eyes fell on Eusine, who was just entering the shop. He chuckled to himself as the bell above the door tinkled as he came in.

"I never get tired of that sound," he mused.

I twisted around to face Crystal, but she refused to come out. She hid under the counter, and I tried to pull her out. "What's wrong? Eusine's here!" I hissed.

"I can't let him see me like _this!" _she whispered back. "I look like the Green Children of Woolpit!"

"The _what?"_ But she didn't have a chance to explain, as Eusine had reached the counter. I quickly stood up straight and looked directly ahead, pretending Crystal wasn't there. I cleared my throat and smiled sheepishly at Eusine, wondering if he had heard us talking. "Sorry," I said. "I was, uh, talking to myself."

"Don't we all, at times?" Eusine said distantly, and I forced a laugh.

"So, do you know what you want?" I asked, nodding up at the menu that was written on chalkboards above the counter.

"Oh? Is Crystal not here today?" Eusine asked.

"She's not well," I replied vaguely.

"What's wrong with her? Nothing serious, I hope."

"She, um... has violent diarrhoea," I said, and Crystal sank her teeth into the back of my leg. I yelped, and Eusine looked taken aback. I grinned nervously. "S-Sorry, I suddenly got a really sharp pain in my leg. I-I think Crystal will be back in tomorrow."

"It is a shame she isn't here," Eusine said sadly. "I was rather hoping I could bid her goodbye, since I am leaving for Hoenn tomorrow morning and shan't be back for at least a month..."

Immediately, Crystal shot to her feet. "I'm back!" she cried. "What did I miss? Oh, hi, Eusine!" She waved cheerily, smiling all over her bright green face.

"Oh, Crystal..." Eusine looked surprised, and I couldn't blame him. "I thought you had violent diarrhoea?"

"Oh, no, no, no!" Crystal said, waving her hands dismissively. "That was just Gold messing around! _Wasn't it,_ Gold?" She elbowed me hard in the ribs, causing me to double over and cough.

"Yeah..." I managed to choke out.

Crystal leaned forward on the counter, propping herself up with her elbows. She was smiling broadly, trying to draw attention away from her green skin. Unfortunately, she had accidentally painted her teeth as well. "So," she said coyly. "Did you have something you wanted to tell me?"

"Oh, yes, at a matter of fact I do, my dear!" Eusine said. He was blinking a lot. I wondered if he thought he was imagining Crystal's face paint and was trying to make her turn back to normal.

"You see, my studies have revealed that Suicune is most likely to be headed to the Hoenn region. And though it pains me to leave you, my dear, I made a vow to myself that I would find and capture the elusive creature even if it took me a hundred years!" he said dramatically. I rolled my eyes. The way he was going, it would take him a _thousand _years.

"And so, I predict that I will be in Hoenn for at least a month," Eusine concluded.

"A whole month?" Crystal asked, raising her eyebrows. "You know, that's a long time." She reached out to put her hand on top of Eusine's. I coughed and turned away, looking for a customer to serve.

"I know, but it's my duty," Eusine told her. "I'm sure you of all people will understand that, Crystal."

"Of course I understand," Crystal cried, now gripping Eusine's hand in both of hers. "But Eusie, I'm going to remember this! You promised you would be the first to try the dessert I'm making for the cafe, now you won't be able to."

Eusine laughed sheepishly. "And for that I am truly sorry," he said. "When I get back, you can extract your revenge on me through such dessert!"

"Huh! How dare you?" Crystal said jokingly. "I've half a mind not to let you go at all. Fine; be off with you. But you owe me! Come and see me first when you get back."

"It's a date, my lady," Eusine said, raising Crystal's hand to his lips and kissing it lightly. When he let her go, his lips were smudged with green to match Crystal's skin. "I shall see you in a month. Farewell Crystal; Boy."

Boy? Me? I was eighteen years old! I scowled at Eusine as he swept out of the cafe. Crystal was swinging on the counter, a wide, wobbly smile spread over her face. "Such a wild beast! If only someone could tame him..." she slurred dreamily. "I'll get him to settle down one day, Gold, just you wait and see!"

I smiled sympathetically at her. "I know you will, Crys."

When I thought about it, Crystal and I were the same. We were both hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with a person who could never, through different reasons, love us with the same passion. Eusine was a traveller, and always would be. Crystal knew that. She could change it as much as she could change the colour of the sky or the moving of the tide. And me? I knew I would never fully get Silver to open up and trust people. That was who he was. No matter how strong his love might be, his pride would always be stronger. He couldn't open up. Because then people would be able to see how frightened he really was.

I thought about this on the way home, and tried to work out a way that would take away some of the fear Silver had of trusting people. I had asked him numerous times why he refused to make an effort with anyone, and he had replied numerous times that he wasn't going to risk his pride for such idiots. It was only now that I was beginning to see what that really meant.

The real reason he didn't talk to people was because he was scared of rejection. If he tried to befriend someone and they refused him, his pride would be hurt. And in a sad way, I think Silver considered his pride to be all he had left.

So he wore his spiky outer shell as a defence against all those emotions that he didn't know how to handle. People couldn't hurt him if he drove them all away. If nobody cared about him, they would leave him alone.

Some people thought it was funny or rude that he was so defensive. But now that I thought about it, there was nothing funny about it. It was simply sad.

Silver... was insecure.

As soon as I got back to our apartment, I got changed and sat myself down in front of the TV. I didn't want to watch anything, but I wanted to get my mind off Silver until he got home. If I started thinking about him, then I'd just start worrying and by the time he walked through the door I would be a nervous wreck.

I fell asleep in the middle of _Teletubbies, _and woke up to the sound of Silver struggling with a stuck door. It seemed all the doors in his apartment were stiff. I dragged myself off the sofa and into the hallway. I put my hand on the door handle to help Silver open it, and at that very moment, the door flew open and hit me smack on the forehead.

I stumbled back, cradling my throbbing head with my arms. I had to blink a few times before the stars stopped dancing in front of my eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, idiot?" Silver grumbled. Except it sounded more like 'wad dhe hell are you doid, idiod?'. I looked up at him through my fingers; he looked terrible. His eyes were red and watering, his nose had been rubbed raw, and he was sniffing and twitching, trying to hold back a sneeze.

He looked so pitiful I couldn't help but hug him. He flinched and pushed me away.

"That hurts," he muttered, and the disappointment I had felt drained away. I had forgotten how tender and painful his skin went when he was ill. I moved to hug him again, and he backed away.

"I'll be gentle, so can I?" I begged. To my surprise, Silver's face flushed a deep red and he looked away. I frowned. I hadn't said anything _that_ embarrassing.

"F... Fine," he said, and I carefully put my arms around him and embraced him so lightly I was barely touching him. For a split second, the devil inside me leapt onto my shoulder and shouted in my ear to take advantage of Silver's sensitive body, but I forced the thought away. I wasn't living in a romance novel, after all. I couldn't just do whatever I wanted to him and get away with it!

"I told you not to go to work," I said. "You're even worse than you were this morning."

"Like that has anything to do with work," Silver said throatily. "It's your fault, you gave me the damn thing."

"Yeah, I know," I said cheekily. I kissed the side of his neck, and he seized up, hunching his shoulders.

I bit my lip. "It's okay" I said quietly, stroking his hair. "Don't be scared."

"I-I'm not," Silver said, but I barely heard. I craned my neck up and pulled Silver down to whisper against his ear.

"You don't need to be scared of me..." And I latched my teeth onto his ear lobe. He full-out gasped, then threw me effortlessly away.

"The hell!" he cried. "Who the fuck is scared?" And he stomped past me and into the bedroom. I mentally slapped myself. I had pushed it too far.

"Silver, I'm sorry!" I cried, trotting after him. I was brushed aside by Silver as he strode out of the bedroom with his casual clothes in his hands. He went into the bathroom. The door slammed in my face.

I knocked on the door. "...Are you angry?" I asked.

It was a long time before he replied, and even then I hardly heard. "No."

His voice was barely above a whisper, and I don't think I was supposed to hear. But I did. A broad smile spread over my face and I skipped back into the living room. I was about to switch off the television- I didn't want Silver to see that I had been watching shows aimed at kids- but then I got caught up in an episode of _The Grim Adventures_ and forgot. No sooner had I settled down, however, than a horrified scream rang throughout the apartment.

I leaped to my feet and ran into the hallway. The bathroom door was wide open. I ran over to the door and peered into the room, but it was completely empty. The shower was running on it's own, and Silver's work shirt had been left on the floor. After scanning the whole area, I turned and dashed into the bedroom.

Silver was curled up on the bed, shirtless and shivering.

"What happened?" I asked, panicking.

"What do you _think_?" Silver snapped, his voice a pitch higher than it should have been. "Get it out!"

"What?" I tilted my head to one side in confusion. I headed back to the bathroom and checked it from ceiling to floor, but there was nothing in there that I could see that would cause Silver to scream so loudly. "I can't see anything!" I called to him.

"Are you kidding? It's _huge!"_ Silver yelled back.

"What is?" I asked.

"The _spider,_ you dick!" Silver sounded almost hysterical. I shook my head. How did he manage without me? A spider in the bath wasn't exactly a rare occurrence, and his apartment was so damp and cold that it was probably a breeding ground for bugs. He should have been used to them, and yet he insisted on having a panic attack every time he saw a tiny wing or antennae.

I inched over to the bathtub and peered inside, prepared to be met by a tarantula or worse. What I found was a simple house spider, clinging on to the side of the ceramic bowl for dear life, trying and failing to climb up and escape the flow of water coming from the shower.

"Poor thing," I murmured, bending down and brushing it off the side of the bath and onto the palm of my hand. Cupping my hands around it so that it couldn't escape, I stood up and walked out into the hall.

"I got it!" I said, turning my head to my right so that I could see Silver. He was still hunched up on the bed, hugging his knees to his chest and glaring at me. He was probably starting to feel embarrassed about running out without his shirt. He couldn't look threatening with a blush on his cheeks, and I didn't feel scared to look at him for just a bit longer. It wasn't every day that I got to see Silver with so much flesh exposed! I sighed inwardly, realising I was starting to sound like a character from one of Crystal's fantasies.

The tickling sensation inside my hands suddenly disappeared as the spider squeezed through a gap between my fingers and slid gently to the floor from a transparent string of thread.

"Oops! I dropped it," I said, scrambling on the floor for the spider as it zipped away.

"You _what?"_ Silver shrieked.

"It's okay! I'll catch it," I said quickly, scooping it up in my hands and stumbling to the door. I couldn't get the door open to let it out, so I posted it through the letterbox instead. I trailed back into the bedroom, wiping my hands on my T-shirt.

"I got rid of it," I said, smiling and looking up. But Silver was gone. I frowned and scanned the room. "Silver? Where'd you go?" I checked under the bed and behind the curtains. Then my eyes fell on the wardrobe and I began to smirk. "Silver, are you in there?" I knocked on the door.

"...Go away," came the muffled reply.

I had to bite my tongue to stop myself laughing. "The big, scary spider's gone now, Silver!" I teased.

"Shut up. It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing," I said, though inside I was. "Come out, Silver." A smile suddenly spread across my face. "Come out of the closet, Silver!"

I heard him slam his fist into the back of the wardrobe. "Say that again and I'll kick your head in," he said threateningly. I remained unfazed. Just because Silver _could_ kick my head in didn't mean he ever _would_.

"While you're in the closet?" I asked mischievously. Silver opened the door so quickly he almost hit my forehead again. Then he changed his mind and tried to wrench it back. I grabbed his arm and blocked the door with my shoulder before he could close it properly.

"Idiot! Let go!" he demanded, yanking his arm back so roughly that I toppled forward. I had to lift my foot to stop myself stubbing my toes on the bottom of the wardrobe, and ended up falling into the wardrobe, bumping forcefully into Silver. The door swung back behind me and shut tight. Silver went crazy.

"What the hell are you _doing?"_ he shouted, pushing the clothes that were hanging up to one side.

"Ow! Don't scream, I'm right here. And you were the one who pulled me in!" I cried, fumbling behind me, trying to push the cupboard door open. It refused to budge, and I kicked back with my heel. "It won't open!"

"Of course it'll open, you're just weak." Silver tried to push past me to reach the door himself, but in the dark, cramped closet it was difficult to move at all. Hands brushed against bare flesh and knees and hips were pressed in awkward places. I shut my eyes tight. Silver's skin felt so hot and good under my hands. I didn't want to stop touching him. But any more and it would be hard to make it look like an accident.

"M-Maybe if you... moved your foot," I said uncertainly. I wobbled and gripped Silver's hips to stop me falling into the back of the cupboard. Silver gasped and leaped away, hitting the back of his head on the hard wooden door in the process. He hissed in pain.

"Can you find the latch?" I asked. I was whispering, but I wasn't sure why. And I was breathing much too quickly for it to be normal. "I-It's to your left, I think..."

Silver didn't say anything in reply, but he reached behind him to run the back of his hand over the door, trying to find the latch of the handle. A thin line of light slid through the crack in the door and over him, outlining the shape of his bare back, shoulders and chest. I bit my tongue.

"It's too dark, switch the torch on," I said. My mouth was dry, and swallowing didn't help. The closeness I had with Silver now felt so different to when we slept side by side. When we slept together, it was innocent and gentle and safe. This felt different. It was hot and awkward and dangerous and I knew I should stop it but I couldn't. I didn't want to.

"I don't have a torch, what are you talking about?" Silver snapped. He sounded breathless, too.

"Then what have you got in your pocket... _Oh." _I suddenly realised that the thing pressing against my hip wasn't a torch. I felt my face begin to burn. Silver was turned on.

"Um, m-maybe if I moved this way, you could reach the..." I tried to shift to one side, but accidentally brushed against Silver as I did so.

"_Don't," _he gasped. "Don't move..."

In the dark I couldn't see his face, but I could sense he wasn't looking at me. I didn't want to embarrass him further, so I stayed where I was, facing him, the side of my cheek pressed against his bare chest. Beneath my ear, I could hear Silver's heart beating, loud and erratic. I wanted to calm him down but I didn't know how.

He was panting. He was standing completely still and panting. I strained my eyes to look up at his face. In the silver stream of light that was lining his face, I saw tiny beads of sweat glistening on his skin. Then he let his head tip back and I couldn't see his face any more.

After a few seconds of nothing but our combined heavy breathing, Silver whimpered. I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying desperately to block out Silver and the closet and the unbearable heat.

Silver was turned on. And knowing that was turning me on too.

Silver could probably feel it against him, because he suddenly tensed. Slowly, I raised a hand to lay flat against his chest in what I hoped was a reassuring way. I fought to keep my heartbeat under control.

"S-Sorry... I-"

"Shut up," Silver choked out. He was trying to hold his breath, and failing miserably. I stroked his chest.

"I-If you wanted," I said nervously, pulling back a little and nodding downwards, "I-I could... you know..." I knew I was asking for trouble by even mentioning it, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to touch Silver so much. I wanted to give him pleasure.

But of course, I was shoved back so violently that the force with which I hit the back of the wardrobe winded me. The strength of the push sent Silver flying back, and he hit the wardrobe door. It opened and he fell out onto the floor. I watched as he quickly sat up and drew his legs up to his chest. He was hiding his face against his knees, but I could see his forehead was red.

I cautiously edged out of the cupboard, pulling my T-shirt down deliberately. Silver's shoulders were heaving- he was still panting.

"You should... D-Do you want to... use the bathroom?" I asked. He answered with a swift shake of the head.

"You sure?"

He nodded.

"Oh," I murmured. "Okay..."

But when I left the room, I made sure to close the door behind me, just in case.

–

**A certain friend of mine has been desperate to see that final scene written, and I can only hope I lived up to her expectations! As you can probably tell, it's not the sort of thing I often write, but I hope I at least did a passable job.**

**This chapter was actually a lot longer than I thought it would be, which I'm very pleased about. In all honesty, most of the beginning (about Silver's cold) I added just to lengthen this, but it actually contributed to the story in the end!**

_**Strange Note:**_** The other day I was watching the presentation of awards for films on TV. The host introduced the people reading out the results as 'two men who spend even less time at the gym than I do'. One of said men was short and chubby with messy black hair. The other was tall with long ginger hair and a big nose. I was like 'I see what you did there...' It was like the television was willing me to write!**

**Thank you to those who take the time to actually pay attention to the my typos. I apologise for the few mistakes I made. It's down to pure laziness, really. When I finish a chapter, I'm all 'yes! I'm finally done!' and am so eager to post that I never proof-read my work. I know I should, but I never get round to it until _after_ I've posted. Next year, I'll make proof-reading my New Year's Resolution.**

**Also, thanks to Ernoma for your _Phobia_ picture (link provided in the previous chapter), as it portrays Silver's fear of bugs perfectly! I knew I just _had_ to include his insectophobia at some point. A fear of bugs is a very common fear, you just wouldn't expect Silver to have it! If any of you were wondering, I had the idea that Gold's major fear is heights. Or snakes.**

**For more pictures related to this story, check out the one below. It could be considered cheating because I drew it myself, but it's my first proper piece I've drawn using a tablet, and I want to share it with you!**

**http:// lilacbird (dot) deviantart(dot) com/art/GoldxSilver-Hug-155170968**

**As always, reviews are appreciated, and questions/suggestions are welcomed!**


	18. Love and Pressure

Green sat down opposite me and lit his cigarette, drawing on it deeply like it was the air he breathed.

"Oh yeah," he sighed, blowing smoke in my face. "I needed that." He let his head flop back onto the back of his chair, and Blue took the opportunity to swipe the cigarette from his unresisting lips.

"It'll do you no good," she said in her know-it-all big sister way. Green latched his mouth back onto the cigarette while it was still in Blue's hands, and she was forced to let go.

"It's my first one all day, since we're not allowed to smoke at the tills."

"You're not allowed to smoke in the staff room, either!"

I rolled my eyes and looked back down at my paper. Despite the overall flashiness of Goldenrod Department Store, it's staff room left a little to be desired to say the least. It was a lime green, smoke-filled cavern that played home to the endless complaints and general hatred of life and the combined misery of every overworked clerk in the shop.

It wasn't surprising that I was so eager to get out of there. I had been looking into universities in the general area. I hadn't got _nearly _enough money to pay for a place, and I'd be damned if I was getting in there on a scholarship, so it was probably a pointless exercise that would only depress me further when I realised that I was going to be struggling to pay the rent every month for the rest of my life. But even that was preferable to the _other_ things that were dancing around in my mind.

It was all Gold's fault. But was there ever a time when it wasn't? My head hadn't stopped spinning since I discovered what was basically pornography hidden under my mattress, and he hadn't made my predicament any easier by getting himself locked in the wardrobe and rubbing against me like a cat (the results of which were _entirely_ not my fault- I wasn't like Green, who would fuck anything with a hole. It was only natural that I would react like that! I was a young man, so thinking about it, getting like that was healthy and meant my body functioned as it should!).

Everything sounded different to me now. Like when Gold asked if he could hug me. 'I'll be gentle'- what the hell? Who even says that!

"I can't wait to get home. I'm going to do nothing all night," Blue mused.

"I thought you were going out with Ruby and Sapphire?" Green said.

"Sapphire asked me," Blue told him. "But Ruby wouldn't let me come."

I felt my cheeks burn, and I pulled my hood further down over my face.

"I think he's finally going to put the moves on Saph!" Blue was oblivious to my embarrassment, but as my horrible, horrible luck would have it, Green was not. He scooted over to me, squatted down and looked up at my face.

"What's up with you? You're in a worse mood that usual!" he said, grinning. He brushed aside the hair that was hanging down in front of my face. I violently slapped his hands away, and he jumped back, holding his hands up defensively.

"Temper, temper," he said mockingly, pulling the hood on my jumper down. I hastily yanked it back up, but not before Green had seen my wonky haircut and bust out laughing.

"Bad hair day, Silver?" he asked. I glared up at him, and he patted me on the head, which infuriated me further.

"How's your woman?" he asked mockingly. I looked back at my newspaper.

"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered.

"Uh-oh! I sense tension. Trouble in paradise?" he said, smirking.

"If I wanted to tell you about it, I would," I snapped. There was a pause. "And _she's _the one putting pressure on _me!"_ I just couldn't help myself. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I saw the toothy grin on Green's face.

"Ah, I see your problem," he said, nodding. "Your 'performance' isn't up to her standards, right?"

I went bright red. "T-That's not it at all! I haven't even-" I shut up fast, clenching my jaw and biting my tongue to stop the rest of the sentence spilling out.

It was too late anyway.

"Oh, you're kidding me!" Green burst out laughing. "I know you're not exactly a chick magnet, but seriously! Not even once? Not even _almost _once?"

I sunk down lower in my chair, praying that nobody was listening. I could lie, but what good would that do me? Nobody would believe me, and Green would start asking all sorts of embarrassing questions and I'd be exposed. Like it was something I should have to lie about anyway! I was only nineteen, for God's sake. It wasn't _that_ strange that I'd never had sex.

"We can't have that, Gingy, not at all," Green said. "I know you're a freak of nature, but your girlfriend is a human being, and if you're holding back, she's not going to be very happy."

"What the hell are you saying?" I hissed.

"I'm saying that, as her boyfriend, it's your duty to satisfy her... needs," Green said. "She won't wait forever, you know."

"I'm not going to sleep with my girlfriend just to keep her!" I said, outraged.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine. It's not like _you _can get pregnant," Green said flippantly. "Or are you just nervous? I'd tell you to imagine her naked, but you won't have to imagine!" He cracked up laughing at his own joke, and I ground my teeth together. "Seriously, though," he went on, composing himself. "You've got nothing to be scared of if it's her first time, too. Just let big brother Green tell you all about it!"

He held his hand out to Blue and bowed deeply, as if he were asking her to dance. "My lady," he said in an exaggerated, posh tone. Blue laughed and took his hand and stood up next to him.

"Good sir," she said in an equally posh voice, playing up to his little act. I groaned. I hated it when they ganged up on me like this.

"How you hold her, Silver, is a crucial point," Green told me with the authority of a schoolteacher. He put his arms around Blue's waist, laying his hands on her hips. She put her hands on his shoulders, giggling. He was smirking. "You have to hold her and squeeze her like you never want to let her go!"

I raised my newspaper in front of my face to block them out. Green reached out and snatched it out of my hands. "The key to sexual satisfaction isn't in the cartoon column!" he said. "Now, kiss her for a bit, and while you're doing that you can touch her boobs, but don't just grope her! Do it slowly and gently so she knows she's still has control. Oh, and she might want to pull your hair or squeeze your ass a bit during this part, so don't be freaked out of she does."

Blue and Green faked a heated make-out session (I had to look away), and then Blue dropped her head back.

"When she does this- Silver, don't hide your face!- when she does this, that's an invitation for you to kiss her neck, so don't be shy about it," she said.

"Oh God." I buried my face in my hands and leaned forward so that my forehead was almost touching my lap.

"After that, take her top off- slowly, so you don't look desperate. Then you can kiss her breasts. She'll also want to take your shirt off around here, so let her," Blue went on, ignoring me. Great. A sex education lesson from my 'big sister' and worst enemy. Could my day possibly get any worse?

"You might want to find somewhere to sit or lay at this point," Green advised. "Since it's your first time, doing it standing up is _not_ a good idea."

I pulled my hood completely over my face and sank down so low in my chair I was almost laying down.

Green sat down heavily on the chair, and Blue fell down on top of him. Both burst out laughing. By this time they had attracted quite a bit of attention, and this action prompted several cheers and wolf whistles from the rest of the staff. I hunched up and tried my best to look like I had no idea who they were.

"Get a room, you two!" one of the clerks called, and Green raised his eyebrows in mock innocence.

"Excuse me," he announced loudly. "If you don't mind, we are _trying _to provide a sex education lesson for our blushing virgin here, and we'd appreciate some quiet!" He gestured to me, and every pair of eyes in the room swivelled in my direction.

My first thought was to act confused and look around for someone to peg Green's comments on to, but then I realised that there was nobody close enough to the three of us for that plan to even have a chance of succeeding. The next most sensible idea would be to laugh, sit back in my chair and make a sarcastic comment about how _mature_ Green was being.

Which I _would_ have done if I wasn't gaping like a goldfish and burning up to the point where it felt like someone had turned an electric heater on behind my face. The best I could manage was a feeble stutter, before the mortification overcame me and I got up and dashed out of the across the staff room and into the bathrooms.

I wouldn't speak to either of them no matter how much Blue apologised or Green made fun of how stupid I looked. I stayed locked up in the cubicle until the end of break, wishing I could just curl into a ball and die. When I did eventually emerge from the bathrooms, the rest of the staff had all gone back to their posts- except for Blue and Green, who were waiting for me.

I slumped down on a chair, and Green slung an arm around my shoulders. "Man, I love this guy! Love him!" he said, cracking up laughing and pushing my head so that I tipped to one side. It brought me to my senses and jumped at him. He leaped back just in time, and I toppled over the arm of the chair and onto the floor, face first. Blue inhaled sharply, feeling my pain, and tried to help me up. I ignored her outstretched hands and stumbled to my feet, trying in vain to salvage a little of my dignity.

Green patted my crimson cheek fondly. I elbowed him hard in the stomach, and he doubled over, half-laughing, half choking to death.

"Silver!" Blue exclaimed, and I thought I was in for a telling off, but she decided against it. I suppose even she could see that Green was getting off lightly.

The bastard finished his Oscar-winning coughing fit and straightened up, clapping me on the back. "Damn it, Ginge, you can't _do_ that!" he said. "If you get that embarrassed just watching an example, how d'you expect to do it yourself?"

I whirled around and jabbed him in the stomach, in the exact place where I had just elbowed him, twisting my torso into my punch to put more force behind my arm and make sure it really hurt. He dropped like a stone, and I was glad.

"I'm just saying," Green wheezed, cradling his stomach. "There's other guys in the world, and you're not exactly the best catch out there. If you don't start putting out, your girl's going to start taking what other men are offering."

I would have put the boot in then if Blue hadn't dived in front of me and forcefully stopped me. I stood there seething, my shoulders heaving up and down as a tried to control my breathing. How _dare _he say that to me! Like I would ever lower myself to such a desperate level. Gold wasn't the type of person who would ditch me just because I wasn't 'putting out'. I mean, _he_ wasn't exactly the sexual sort. At least, I was certain he'd never done it either, considering I had spent almost every day with him since I was twelve and he never once mentioned sexual experience.

I thought about Crystal, and whether she would be willing to 'put out' or not. From what I had seen of her, she seemed very... open. Not like me. But shouldn't matter, right? Gold would never go to her just because I wasn't very outgoing.

Or patient.

Or loving.

Or even nice.

I shook my head and stormed out of the staff room. I was over-thinking things. I took a box of bathroom products from behind the counter and started restocking the shelves with unusual fuss and clatter.

"Hey." Blue appeared at my side. Lowering her voice, she leaned in towards me. "You shouldn't let him get to you like that. You know he only does it to get a reaction."

"Yeah, well, he got what he wanted," I snapped, not looking at her. The shelves were looking even messier than they had before I started restocking them. "And you weren't exactly helping."

"I'm sorry!" Blue said. "You _know_ we were only joking. You really think your girlfriend would leave you just because you're not ready to take things up a notch?"

I turned my back on her with a slight shrug of the shoulders.

"Silver," Blue sighed. "Think about it. She's stuck with you for a year, she's obviously serious about you."

"Fine. Whatever," I said. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about."

"I would know if you'd just tell me!" Blue cried. Her arm linked around mine. "Don't be like this, Silver. Apology accepted?"

I rolled my eyes. Blue was the only person I couldn't stay angry at, and she knew it. If I hadn't known her for so long, she'd have been rolling on the floor clutching her gut. "Get off me and it's a deal," I muttered. Blue gladly released me.

"Try not to get too pissed at Green," she said as she turned and headed for the counter. "He really likes you!"

I wished that he liked me less.

When I got home, the first thing I had to do was blow my nose. Stupid Gold and his stupid cold. I had passed the stage where even the slightest touch sent prickles of pain shooting through my skin, but my nose was still dripping and my throat was still scratchy and dry. If Gold had never forced himself in on my territory, I wouldn't feel so rotten. Yet another thing that was his fault.

I rooted around in the cupboards aimlessly and found a packet of strawberry laces behind the box of oatmeal. I was about to throw it in the bin, but then decided against it and took it into the living room.

I chewed on one of the favoured strips while I pumped James Bond's enemies full of lead on Goldeneye, wondering how the hell Gold could like them. They were tough and tasted like sweetened plastic.

But still, by the time Gold was due home, I had finished off the whole packet- and was feeling pretty sick and tired. I felt my eyes beginning to droop, and was rudely brought to my senses by Gold's loud, whining voice bursting through the door.

I went out into the hallway, rubbing my eyes. He had his phone held to his ear, and his face was contorted in a pained grimace.

"No... No, that's fine... _Thursday?_ That's a bit soon," he was saying. I recognised the whingey, defeated tone to his voice. It was the voice children used when they were getting scolded by their parents. "I have to ask Silver." As if on cue, he walked up to me and gave me a quick kiss, holding his phone to his chest as he did so. "See you then, Mom."

He clicked the 'end call' button and flung his arms down at his sides with a frustrated cry, stomping into the living room and throwing himself down on the sofa, burying his head under a cushion. I followed him, counting to ten in my head. I had a bad feeling. A very bad feeling.

Gold sat up and turned to me, hugging the cushion. "Silver," he said slowly. "I want you to promise not to flip."

"I'm not promising anything," I told him bluntly, and he visibly winced.

"Well, here's the deal... My Mom is coming over here on Thursday."

I flipped. "_What?_ No she isn't!" I said, laughing incredulously. "What were you _thinking?"_

"You don't understand!" Gold wailed. "When she gets like that, I can't stop her! She said since I didn't go home for my birthday, she wants to see me now. She just invited herself- what was I supposed to say? I'm her son!"

"What time?" I hissed.

"S-Seven 'til eight-thirty. It's not long. Please Silver, just this once!" he begged. I felt myself weakening. It wouldn't be difficult at all to keep Gold's mom entertained for an hour and a half. I could just leave her to Gold and conveniently disappear for a while, no problem.

"If she's expecting the place to be clean, then you're the one doing the tidying. If she's expecting dinner, you're cooking. If she's expecting conversation, then damn it, I'm not going to be the one talking," I snarled. "Keep her out of my room and don't answer any questions, and she can come."

Gold almost fainted. I could have slapped myself. I was such a sap.

"Oh, and one other thing," he said, shifting awkwardly in his place and dragging his gaze away from mine. "G... Graham's coming, too."

It took me a while to remember, but when I did, I couldn't help but stare. Graham- Gold's mom's boyfriend.

"He... He doesn't have to come if you don't want him to," I said, sucking my tongue to get the moisture back into my mouth.

"No, I do! I do..." Gold trailed off and looked down at the carpet. His stubby fingers drummed nervously on his lap. "He makes Mom happy."

"Yeah, but are you happy?" I asked plainly, getting up and heading into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

"_I _don't get a say in the matter," Gold called. He was smiling at me sadly when I came back into the doorway. "I left her first."

Immediately I knew what he was talking about- Gold was only eleven when he had left home to go travelling. But I didn't see why that should matter. He visited his mom every week and cried buckets when he couldn't see her. I called him pathetic and said he was getting in the way. Probably because I didn't have a family to visit.

I remember the day Gold went home to have the door answered not by his mother but a man he had never seen before in his life. He had been despondent for days.

Gold had only once, vaguely, talked to me about Graham, but I hadn't really listened. I wished now that I had.

"It's all right. I can deal with him for an hour," Gold said. He began to smile. "Don't say you were worried about me, Silver?"

I snorted. "Like I would!"

Gold just laughed and stood up. "Hey, before I forget, I'm going to be working a bit later until July. Not long, only half an hour more."

"Why?" I asked out of simple curiosity.

"Well, since the it's summer now, the sea's getting warmer and bringing in more fish. There'll be a lot of sailors around Olivine, and they always use the cafe," Gold explained. "Since it'll be busy, Alan asked Crys to work overtime for a month. And well, I can't just leave her on her own!"

I hesitated. "...Okay." It didn't mean anything. He was just helping her out. That was what Gold _did_. But still, I couldn't stop the slight twisting in my stomach.

"...When did you start calling her Crys?"

–

**First up, I must do a happy dance, because I have more fanart for this story! The first one was drawn by a mysterious anon, who I thank for making such a beautiful piece! The second one I drew myself. I always draw Gold and Silver, but this was the first time I drew them in L&B style, and I wanted to share it with you.**

**http:// i46 (dot) tinypic (dot) **

**http:// lilacbird (dot) deviantart(dot) com/art/GoldxSilver-Nerdy-Love-156073439**

**Secondly, I really want to expand more on Gold and Silver's backgrounds, which is why I added Gold's mum and Graham to the mix. But more on them next chapter! I also want to reveal more about Silver's parents and their relationship...**

**Man, Green is such a bastard. A magnificent bastard. He's not very nice to Silver, but I hope to redeem him later, so please try not to utterly despise him! We all know he's only teasing, right? ...Right?**

**Oh, never mind!**


	19. Love and Marriage

To say I wasn't exactly looking forward to Mom's visit would be a huge understatement. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her. I _did_ want to see her- very much. But I was far from ecstatic to be seeing Graham again.

I knew I had no reason to feel that way. Graham was okay. He was nice enough to me, and he made Mom happy, which was the main thing. But I still couldn't like him. He wasn't my dad, but every time I saw him, he tried to act like he was. And to be fair, he was pretty good at it. But I didn't think the relationship I had with Graham was that of a father and son. There was no bond, no understanding. Just a forced effort on both sides that withered and died as soon as Mom left the room. I didn't know what it was like to have a father, but I was sure it wasn't meant to be like that.

My real dad died when I was four. I liked to kid myself that I could remember him, but the very few memories I had were very vague. He was just a jittery laugh, a whiff of aftershave. Mom had to fill in all the gaps for me.

If she could only use one word to describe my dad, she told me, it would be _sensible._ She was a wild one in her youth, and needed somebody calm to help her settle down. He stopped her spending too much at the supermarket and falling asleep on the sofa. He was the yin to her yang, the pillar of the family.

I wished I could remember how much he loved me. Mom always told me how I was the centre of his world from the moment I was born until the moment he died. He took such good care of me, she said. Not even the cancer could keep him away. I doubt I was ever grateful for it though, being a boisterous kid desperate for adventure. Mom was always there to play football with me in the park and buy me ice creams- that was what I remembered. I had forgotten all about Dad, sitting contentedly on the sidelines with a bottle of sunscreen and a packet of plasters ready for when I fell over and grazed my knees.

Mom told me I had loved him very much, and I could only hope that was true. All _I_ remembered about him was a one-off visit to a family diner, where I had got lost in the ball pit and he made the staff search for me. Mom said that just before he died, she held me up to his hospital bed, and I had said "I love you Daddy," and he had smiled and closed his eyes, like he was just falling asleep.

That part probably wasn't true. I didn't know if they let little kids into terminal wards in case they got scared. Mom was probably making it up to make me feel better. And it did. A little.

I wondered how Silver would react to Mom and Graham intruding. I had a horrible feeling in my gut that he wasn't going to take it well. Once or twice I had considered putting on a pouty lip and turning the puppy dog eyes on him full-blast and begging him to be good; but then I thought that if I did that he'd think I didn't trust him.

So I decided to shut my mouth and hope for the best.

I had swept all the unnecessary clutter in the flat into Silver's bedroom, which he wasn't happy about ("I said tidy up, not transfer all your junk into my room!"). But since it was only for one night and I promised to put everything back exactly where I found it, he didn't complain too much.

I barely had time to change before it was almost time for Mom and Graham to arrive, and I still had to make the dinner. I was cooking pasta, since it was the only non-instant thing I knew how to make. Silver scoffed at my incompetence when he saw me panicking over what heat to set the oven on.

"I'll give you a clue, it's six," he said. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Oh no, please don't tell me you're wearing that," I said, dismayed. He was sporting a black T-shirt with white writing on the front saying '_Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide __the bodies'_. At any other time, I would have laughed at how completely fitting the slogan was, but right then all I could think was, my mom is coming over and she's going to be greeted by Silver threatening her via his T-shirt.

"Couldn't you wear something else?"

Silver scowled at me and sighed impatiently- but stalked out of the kitchen all the same. I smiled. He was being so much more complying lately. Like he was really getting used to being with me.

The thought filled me with confidence, and I was about to follow him into the bedroom and kiss him and tell him I loved him- but my plan was thwarted by a knock on the door. I froze, my ears pricking up. I could distinctly hear Mom and Graham talking outside.

Swallowing, I headed for the door. "Silver, they're here," I called, trying to make my voice sound as casual as possible, knowing they would be able to hear me outside. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Gold!" Mom threw her arms around me as soon as she saw me, practically falling into the hallway. "How are you, stranger? How long has it been?"

"It's only been a month, Mom. I called you just the other day!" I said, smiling and hugging her back.

"Rubbish! It's been longer, I know it." She broke away from me and ambled down the hallway, looking around. I couldn't miss the critical frown creasing her brow. She had always been a neat freak (Dad's influence, she said), and the dark, damp hall couldn't have been making a very good first impression.

"It's... nice," she said, forcing a smile. Then she wrapped her arms around my neck. "I missed you, sweetheart," she mumbled. I didn't mind her getting all 'mumsie' for once , even if it was a little embarrassing. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed her. It had always been Mom and me against the world- when I was a kid. I knew it was childish, but I sort of missed that feeling.

My gaze skittered towards Graham, who was stood awkwardly in the doorway. I hesitated for a moment, but then decided to be polite and beckoned him in. He smiled gratefully and raised his arms to hug me, but I instinctively backed away and held out my hand stiffly for him to shake.

Silver emerged from the bedroom, trying to sneak past us without attracting any attention to himself. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw he had put a grey cardigan on over his offensive T-shirt.

Mom gasped when she saw him.

"Don't think you can escape that easily!" she laughed, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him back. She turned him around and peered up at him. "You! Stop growing," she said, pretending to be angry. "I'm going to need a stepladder soon!"

Silver tried to smile, but the best he could manage was a painful-looking grimace. Luckily, Mom fell for it.

She insisted on giving the entire apartment a thorough once-over before we settled down at the kitchen table for tea. I had made spaghetti bolognese (the sauce came from a jar, but it wasn't cheating, right?). It was a little overcooked, but Mom was surprised that I had even cooked it at all. She chatted incessantly all the way through our meal- but Graham was being strangely quiet. Usually he'd be doing his best to win me over.

"Eighteen years old; I can't believe it," Mom sighed. "It feels like yesterday that you were born, and now you're all grown up..." She had to stop to dab her eyes with her sleeve. I glanced embarrassedly to one side, horribly aware of Silver hearing every word.

"You got my present, didn't you?" she asked, and I nodded. She had sent me the new _Grand Theft Auto_ game for my DSi, as well two books, one of cookery and one on DIY. It was obvious she was worried about me.

She finished off the last of her spaghetti. "That was really good," she commented. "What was the recipe?"

I bit my lip and chuckled nervously. "Um... Hard work, motivation, and buying your bolognese from the corner shop," I said, and Mom burst out laughing.

Meanwhile, Silver and Graham seemed to be having a staring contest. Graham was losing.

Mom noticed and smiled uncertainly, touching Graham's arm. "Don't mind Silver. He doesn't mean to glare, it's just the way his faces goes! Isn't that right, dear?"

Silver rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the table. "Yeah, that's right," he muttered, not even bothering to put an edge to his voice. Mom squealed.

"Oh, darling! You can say your 'S's now! You used to have such a lisp, remember?" She turned to Graham. "For years I thought his name was Thilver. Until Gold told me, of course." I glanced worriedly at Silver. He was slumped back in his chair, drawing into himself like a tortoise. Suddenly he didn't look so tall any more, like he was shrinking inside his clothes. I tried to hold his hand under the table, but he snatched it away.

"Oh, but I can't believe it," Mom went on, reverting to her previous topic. "My baby's a man now..."

"Yeah, he is," Graham said, speaking for the first time. He put his arm around Mom and smiled at me. I did my best to smile back, but couldn't keep it up when he kissed Mom's cheek. "I think now's a good time to tell him," he said quietly.

Mom frowned. "You think so? I don't know, I mean, it's all so sudden..." she whispered. I couldn't miss the worried tone in her voice. My heart started pounding.

"He's a man now, he'll understand," Graham assured, stroking Mom's cheek. I saw her wavering.

"Well... all right," she said, nodding. She smiled gently at me. "Gold, sweetie, Gray and I... well, we've thought long and hard about everything and we've decided... well..."

"What your mother is trying to say, Gold." Graham took Mom's hands in his and she smiled up at him lovingly. I wanted to be sick. Graham cleared his throat and continued. "Is that... not long ago I asked her to marry me. And she said yes."

And just like that, the floor fell out of my world. My blood was roaring so loudly in my ears that I couldn't hear anything, and my vision momentarily faded. After a few deep breaths I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to face Mom and Graham again. She was wrapped up in his arms, and they were both smiling hopefully. I saw the desperation in Mom's eyes, and realised there was nothing I could do. She needed me to support her so much. I couldn't let her down, not now.

I smiled. "Good. That's good." The words tasted bad in my mouth and scraped through my throat like broken glass. But it was worth it just to see the look of sheer relief and happiness on Mom's face. She grabbed Graham and kissed him, and I stood up.

"E-Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom," I said, and left the room as quickly as I could without making it look like I was running. I could feel Silver's eyes following me as I went.

I locked the bathroom door and ran the cold tap over my head, trying to shock myself back into action. I couldn't believe how selfish I was being. It was Mom's choice whether or not she wanted to marry Graham. I couldn't expect her to stay lonely forever. I was allowed to leave her, but she wasn't allowed to leave me? That wasn't right.

I wondered what Dad would have thought of my behaviour.

Breathing heavily in an attempt to calm my racing heart, I dried my hair on the hand towel and walked out into the hallway. When I got back into the kitchen, I would congratulate Mom and Graham properly. That was the right thing to do.

I stopped in my tracks at the sound of Silver's voice.

"How could you do that to him?"

"Excuse me?" That was Mom.

"You tricked him." Silver's voice was quiet. A bad sign. He was going to blow his top any second now. I tiptoed over to the door and peered around it. I knew I should have marched straight in there to make a quick change of subject, but I was frozen in place. It was childish and stupid, but a part of me _wanted_ Silver to continue, to say the words I couldn't.

"No we didn't," Mom said. She was still smiling, and looked confused.

"Yes, you did," Silver insisted. "You said you were coming here for him, because it was his birthday. But then you go and make it all about you. Have you any idea how much he's missed you? You said you just wanted to see him; you lied to him."

"N-No, that's not true. I _did_ want to see him," Mom protested. "He's my son, of course I wanted to see him!"

"Well you had a damn good view of him while you slobbering all over your boyfriend's face," Silver snapped. The rise and fall of his shoulders quickened with every breath he took. I should have stopped him then. But I didn't want to.

"I don't think you're being fair..." Graham said, putting his hand protectively over Mom's.

"No, _you're_ not being fair," Silver said, his voice raising. "In case you hadn't noticed, _Graham,_ Gold isn't exactly your best friend. Don't you think you should at least have _talked_ to him about this before you decided to run down the aisle with his Mom?"

"I think we know what's best for Gold," Graham said calmly.

"How can you know what's best for him? You don't even know him!" Silver cried, standing up so abruptly that his chair fell over behind him. "How long have you been with his Mom? Three years? And in all that time have you ever _once_ asked Gold how he felt about it? Have you ever asked him anything?"

"I-I tried. You don't understand..."

"You're the one who doesn't understand!" Silver fumed. "You have _no_ idea how Gold feels. He's always so _nice_ he's always so _polite; _can't you see that's just an act? He doesn't like you! He's only going along with this because he wants his mom to be happy, because that's the sort of person he is. You don't understand him at all."

If I could move my feet, I would have chosen that point to step in.

"Silver, we..." Mom couldn't manage any more, and Graham seemed lost for words.

"You are _not_ his dad, so stop acting like you are!" Silver was in full-on rant mode; wild horses couldn't stop him. "If you really knew what was best for Gold you would never have done this in the first place. If you want to do something good for him, then just _fuck off!"_

I burst into the kitchen. Silver whirled around to face me. His face was scarlet and his eyes were ablaze. I had never see him so worked up over something so small before. Mom and Graham stared at me like I had grown an extra head. Like they were seeing me for the first time. In that moment, I knew they knew everything Silver had said was the truth.

Slowly, Mom stood up. "I think we should leave," she said quietly. She was shaking. She headed for the door with Graham right behind her.

"No, wait, Mom..." I reached out to grab her arm, but she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she said sadly. "Silver's right, we shouldn't have done that. I think if we stay things will just be awkward. It's really best that we go."

"N-No, Graham, tell her!" I pleaded. He didn't reply, and started putting on his jacket.

"No, don't do this, I'm _sorry_," I said desperately. "Don't go."

But they did anyway. I stood staring at the closed door for a while, my throat and eyes burning. Then I wandered into the living room, sat down on the sofa, buried my face in my hands- and cried.

After a while, I felt Silver's presence and looked up to see him standing in the doorway. The red flush had faded from his face and his breathing was back to normal., and he was looking at me with such a mixture of emotions that his face was unreadable.

"Why did you do that?" I sobbed.

"Don't you dare," he hissed. "I just said what you were thinking."

"You don't have to say everything you think, Silver!" I wailed. "You've... I've... Everything's ruined!"

"You wanted it to be ruined."

"I want what Mom wants! I just want her to be happy!" I said, getting up and facing up to him.

"Don't give me that crap!" Silver snapped. "Why is it always other people with you? Why can't you just want something because _you_ want it? Why can't you be selfish, _for once in your fucking life?!"_ He was shouting by now, his hands holding my shoulders in a vice-like grip and shaking me.

"Shut up!" I yelled. He didn't understand any more than Mom or Graham did. I _was_ selfish. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I flew at him, pounding him ineffectively with my fists. "I hate you! You've wrecked everything. I hate you..." I gave up hitting him and collapsed against him, resting my head on his chest. Slowly, his hand lifted to stroke my hair, and I couldn't hold back any more and wrapped my arms around his skinny waist. We stayed like that for a long, long time.

"You okay?" he whispered eventually. I nodded and pulled back to wipe my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. I reached up and cupped his face in my hands. "I love you."

And though he couldn't say 'I love you too', he wound his arms around me and pulled me into something a little less than a hug. It wasn't what I wanted, but it was something. I was satisfied.

Later that night, Mom phoned me. She sounded surprisingly upbeat and cheerful, though I had feeling that it wasn't all genuine.

"Mom, I'm so sorry," I said as soon as I got the chance. Mom's incessant babbling halted mid-sentence.

"It's not your fault, sweetheart," she said eventually. "Silver did have a point, we should have talked it over first. I only wish that boy would learn to voice his opinions in a nicer way!"

I chuckled nervously. I knew what she meant.

"Anyway, Graham and I have talked it over, and we've decided..." Mom took a long breath, "to postpone the wedding. I don't want to rush into anything that might hurt you. Graham understands. I still want to marry him; but I'm willing to wait until you're okay with it first. Gold, sweetie? Is that all right?"

I nodded even though I knew she couldn't see me. "Yeah, Mom," I said, swallowing. "That's fine."

As soon as I put the phone down, I woke Silver up and kissed him senseless. It was a good thing he was still half asleep, otherwise I'd probably have gotten a black eye. It was only the next morning, when I woke up beside him, that I saw I had left a faint, purplish-red mark on the side of his neck. It was near the back, so he probably wouldn't notice- but I made sure to be ready to leave for work _before_ he used the bathroom and got a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

I wolfed down my breakfast with even more vigour than usual and was out the door by half-past-seven. Silver had only just woken up, and was dragging himself around the apartment, groaning and half-conscious- like a zombie.

"See you later, Silver!" I called, slamming the door behind me as I saw him heading for the bathroom. He grumbled incoherently in response. Seemed he didn't remember what happened.

It was only when I was out of the building and halfway down the street that I realised that I had forgotten to give him his goodbye kiss.

–

**Oh snap, I actually got a little teary-eyed when writing that part about Gold's dad. It's strange- I can never cry for myself or 'real' things, no matter how sad; but I can weep buckets when I put myself in a fictional character's shoes! But even so, I'm glad I got to expand on his past. I plan to do the same for Silver in future chapters.**

**I got the idea of Silver having a lisp when he was little from a chat I had with Ernoma. Her icon was a picture of Silver with an angry face. She thought it looked like he had a lisp, and thus I introduced it! Poor Silver- it was probably pretty difficult to be threatening when he couldn't even pronounce his own name correctly!**

**I realised something when reading back over the previous chapter: one of the links I gave you was broken. I can't be having that, seeing as it was such a beautiful drawing! I'll have to try again.**

**http:// i46 (dot) tinypic (dot) com/33uv1p3 (dot) png** **There! I hope it works...**


	20. Love and Confusion

My knuckles were throbbing. I didn't use boxing gloves, so the gym's hard-as-rock punching bag was doing me no good. Every strike sent sharp daggers of pain shooting up my arm, and the bags was covered in smears of brown blood from my knuckles- but I didn't stop punching. I had been in a horrible mood since Friday and didn't know why. Gold had been late back from work and was still acting pissy with me because of the massive favour I had done for him on Thursday (he couldn't fool me, he was _glad _about it, I could tell). Plus he was sulking because he found out I ate all his strawberry laces.

I was grateful to be getting out for a while. I couldn't dwell on Gold when I was drenched in sweat and burning from head to toe. The fact that my only pair of tracksuit bottoms were in the wash and I had to borrow jogging trousers from Gold barely mattered, even if I had to keep hitching them up to stop them falling down around my ankles. I was majorly pissed off, and what better way to vent my anger than to take it out on an innocent punching bag?

The gym wasn't as busy as usual, but unfortunately Mr Creepy Starer seemed to have made the cycling machine his weekend home and was sat there on the saddle reading a kid's comic book, holding it so close to his face that his mop of black hair was spilling over the top. He must have sensed me looking at him, because he slowly lowered his comic to stare at me with his blank maroon eyes.

Suppressing a shiver, I turned my attention back to pounding the crap out of the punching bag. I didn't like being watched, especially not by those dead eyes. If I knew people were watching me, I couldn't go slowly.

I quickened my pace and increased the power behind my punches. I drove my fist in the very centre of the bag and it swung back, bounced off the wall behind and came flying back towards me. The hundred-pound bag hit my body full-force before I even had a chance to raise my hands to block it. Seconds later, I was sprawled out on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.

I lay there on my back for a while, allowing the shock to drain away and the humiliation to take over. Groaning, I covered my face with my arms. I'd definitely have to change gyms after this. There was no way I could ever show my face here again!

I threw my arms back down at my sides and sighed, gazing up at the bright lights that lined the ceiling. I nearly fainted when a man's face floated into view above me, staring owlishly down at me... with blank maroon eyes.

I shot up into a sitting position and spun around so that I was looking up at him. He tilted his head to one side slightly, looking almost confused. Then he bent down- _and picked me up._

At first I couldn't manage much past surprise. Though he looked older, the man was shorter than me and of average build; even though I was skinny, he didn't look strong enough to lift someone my size, and yet he managed it so effortlessly. He didn't even _blink_.

But then I got past my initial bafflement and the fact that I was currently being held like a princess in another man's arms for all the world to see sank in.

I struggled and leaped away from the man as if he was red-hot. _I_ was the one who felt red-hot as I felt every pair of eyes in the gym beating down on me. Turning on the silent man, I exploded.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"

He barely raised an eyebrow. "You fell over," he said plainly. I felt my face burn.

"That is _not_ an invitation for you to treat me like a... And I didn't 'fall' over!" I fumed, stepping up to him so that we were almost nose-to-nose. I'll admit it, I was looking for a fight. I'd just been humiliated in front of all these people, and I was not about to let it go so easily. The way I figured, if I could kick this guy's ass, I'd be able to win back my lost dignity.

But he wasn't rising to the bait so easily. He just stood there, taking everything I dished out without a single word. Eventually my rant depleted into an awkward silence. It just didn't feel right, shouting at someone who wasn't even going to give me a reaction.

The man blinked for what seemed like the first time. "Are you done?" he asked. I shot him a glare. He took it as a 'yes' and turned to go back to his cycling machine- but I grabbed his shoulder and jerked him around.

"Don't you walk away from me!" I spat.

"Please take your hands off me," the man said plainly. This came as such a shock that my grip on his shoulder momentarily slackened, and he took his chance to move my hand away from him, holding my wrist delicately between his thumb and first two fingers, as if I was dirty.

"You little-!" I seized the front of his red hoodie and yanked him towards me as I raised my fist, all set to smash his smug little face in.

The guy didn't even flinch. He just raised his hands as a signal for me to wait and said, "You are aware that the young lady over there is filming this on her phone?" He raised his eyebrows, directing to the right.

I turned to look, and while I was distracted, the man deftly unhooked himself from my hand and zipped away. By the time I came to my senses and realised that I'd been tricked, he was back on the saddle of the cycling machine, his nose buried in his comic.

Well, that was just _peachy_. I'd just had my ass practically handed to me on a plate by a wordless guy who hadn't even needed to lift a finger. Why did it seem that lately, the whole world was out to embarrass me?

Turning on my heel, I marched out of the gym with as much of my pride as I could salvage in tow. Behind me, I heard a few people laughing. Seething, I slammed my fist down on the reception desk and practically shouted at the receptionist to cancel my gym membership.

I left in such a hurry that I forgot about my scarf that I had left on the weight bench, and had to cover the back of my neck with my hands all the way back to my block. I entered my apartment in a worse mood than when I left. I would have slammed the door behind me had I not remembered that Gold liked to sleep in on Saturdays while I was at the gym.

I closed the door silently and stalked into the hallway. It smelled of beans on toast. Typical. The one time I hold myself back and it wouldn't have made any difference. Gold was obviously up. I heard his voice emitting from the living room and frowned. He was talking to someone.

"Okay, so I'll give you a nebula shirt, and you can give me an apple," he said loudly. I peeped through the crack in the door to see who he was talking to- but the room was empty.

"It's a deal! I'll leave it in front of your house."

My stomach lurched. There was no mistaking that irritating, nasal voice, even though it was slightly muffled. Gold was talking to Crystal, there was no doubt about it. I narrowed my eyes and ducked down so I could see the room properly.

Gold was lounging on the couch, his DSi in hand. His mobile phone was lying next to him, flashing obnoxiously whenever Crystal's voice rang out from it. My stomach settled, but just a little. At least she wasn't in my house.

"So, Gold," her voice blurred over the speaker-phone. "Did you sort things out with your mom?"

"Yeah, for now," Gold replied. "Silver really helped me out there. I just wish he could've been a bit nicer about it."

I froze. They were talking about me.

Crystal burst out laughing. "Because Silver's totally going to go all sugar sweet overnight!" she said teasingly.

"That wasn't what I meant!" Gold said. "I just thought that it wouldn't kill him to be a little less..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say next. I had a feeling that I wouldn't have wanted to hear the end of his sentence anyway. Unfortunately, Crystal helpfully provided it for me.

"Rude? Uptight? Sarcastic? Completely and utterly socially inept?" she said, her voice ringing with an infuriating innocence.

"All of them!" Gold cried. He was only joking, but it still stung. I had tried my best to be good for his mom visiting. I knew I wasn't exactly the most social person in the world, and had thought that the best way to avoid offending anyone was to keep my mouth shut. But I wasn't like Gold. If something touched a nerve, I wasn't going to keep my head down and let it slide. That wasn't me.

"Maybe it's a disorder," Crystal suggested gently. I had a feeling she was trying to console Gold, but she was just making me clench my fists so hard that my nails cut into my palms. "I've read about disorders that affect social behaviour," she went on obliviously. "What did they call it... Asperger's Syndrome!"

Gold snorted. "More like stick-up-ass syndrome," he muttered.

That hurt. More than an off-handed comment should have. Was that what he thought of me? A social retard who couldn't get up off the pole he was sat on? If I had any sense at all, I should have marched into the living room, snatched Gold's phone from right under his nose and ground it to dust in my hands. But I didn't. Instead, I crept silently back to the front door, opened it, then slammed it shut. Gold shut up right away.

"I have to go," he whispered. I wouldn't have heard it if I hadn't been listening for it. I headed straight for the living room. He quickly hid his phone behind his back.

"Who was that?" I asked quietly, nodding at the arm he held behind him. He brought the phone out right away, pretending he had never tried to hide it.

"Just my mom," he said.

Why was he lying?

"Oh." I looked at the floor.

I felt Gold scrutinising me, but I didn't raise my head. Stepping over to me, he cupped my face in his hands and raised my chin from my chest so that my eyes met his. I turned my gaze away immediately. I couldn't shift the feeling of betrayal weighing down on me. However painfully honest his words were, I didn't want to hear them. I wished I hadn't.

He kissed me. It was a different type of kiss to his usual chaste pecks on the lips; soft enough to make me believe he meant it, rough enough to make my heart leap about in my chest, slamming so hard against my ribcage that I was sure he would be able to hear it. And though I was still angry and confused, I melted into it, raising my hands to grip the back of his shirt. Gold took the chance to slip his tongue into my mouth.

I wanted to pull away. But at the same time I wanted to grab him and hold him close and kiss him back and tell him... Tell him what? I didn't know. I was so confused. I couldn't figure out what Gold was feeling, I couldn't figure out what _I_ was feeling. I didn't know.

"I love you, Silver."

Do you?

"I love you."

Do you really?

–

**Sorry for the downer ending to this chapter! Hopefully I made up for it with the more humorous beginning. Poor Silver always manages to humiliate himself in some when when he goes to the gym... But on the bright side, I got to bring back our lovely mystery man! We all know who he is by now, right? I told a lot of people the first time he showed up.**

**Damn it, Gold! Why is it that I'm always more affected when Gold is tactless and not Silver? Probably because Silver's _always_ pretty mean, whereas Gold is usually very nice, and I'm not used to seeing his nasty side!**

**Anyway, I struggled a lot with Gold and Crystal's conversation in this chapter. I didn't want it to sound forced, but everything I wrote for them seemed to end up that way. The one I kept was obviously the best I could come up with, but I'm not one-hundred per cent satisfied. Maybe I'll edit it later.**

**I realised not so long ago that I've been neglecting my other stories to write this one! But I just can't help it. 'Leaps and Bounds' has grabbed my inspiration and just refuses to let go. I just hope I can get it finished soon so it will finally stop attacking me with ideas! Though I have a feeling that it's far from over...**


	21. Love and Desperation

Something was wrong. Silver wasn't pushing me away any more. He let me hold and kiss him, and didn't complain if I used my tongue. He even let me slide my hand up his shirt at one point, and though it made him gasp and tense up, he hadn't forced me away. I was the one who had took a step back, when I saw how scared he looked.

I should have been glad that he was making an effort for me, but somehow it just didn't feel right. Whenever I told him I loved him, he got a fleeting look of sadness on his face. It was only there for a second before he masked it with a scowl, but it was so obvious that I couldn't miss it. Something was hurting Silver. And the worst part was that I had absolutely no idea what it was.

I couldn't even talk it over with Crystal. For some unknown reason, the whole matter seemed so private, meant to be something for me and Silver alone to sort out. She sensed something was wrong and asked me about it. I just shook my head and told her it was nothing.

Things were easier at the cafe. Though Crys couldn't solve my problems, her smile helped. I needed her stubborn optimism and complete disregard for reality and sense to get my mind off things, if only for a little while.

It was Wednesday evening, and she was in the kitchen stacking dirty plates while I was taking orders. It wasn't a busy day, thankfully. The flow of customers had been steady, and it didn't look like there was going to be many more. I checked my watch and sighed. We were already working overtime, but Alan had asked us to hang around the counter until half past six until the particularly slow eaters had finished and paid.

Crystal came trotting out of the kitchen with my cheap phone in her hand and gave it to me, frowning.

"Silver just called," she said.

"Oh? What did he want?" I asked, surprised. Silver never called me unless he really needed to. He wasn't one of those 'I just wanted to talk' type of people.

"I don't know. He hung up," Crystal replied, eyeing me suspiciously.

I furrowed my brow in confusion. I tried to call him back to see what he wanted, but I had forgotten to put any money on my phone. He probably wanted to ask me where I was, and if I thought he was waiting for me to start the dinner, I had another damn thing coming.

I pocketed my phone and shrugged. "I'll ask him when I get back," I said, turning my attention to a young couple who were wanting to pay.

And to be honest, I forgot all about it. Until I got home and found Silver sat at the kitchen table, pushing his food around the plate with his fork. It looked like he had tried to eat, but hadn't managed more than a few mouthfuls. And he was wearing the blank mask he always used when he was trying to hide something serious.

It frightened me how little I knew. I could have said something. I _wanted_ to. But I had a feeling that if I did, I would just make things worse. So instead, I sat down opposite him in front of my plate of curry and stared down at my lap.

"Where were you?" Silver asked quietly, making me jump.

"I was... working overtime. Didn't Crystal tell you?" I said.

"You could've let me know." Silver shrugged. He wouldn't look at me.

"Well, I tried, but my phone was out of money and..." I stopped and sighed. "Silver, what's wrong?"

He visibly stiffened. Putting down my knife and fork, I got up and weaved around the table. Wrapping my arms around Silver's shoulders, I pulled his head against my chest. He didn't respond. I stood there, stroking his hair and planting kisses along the top of his head, waiting for him to either hug me back or push me away.

In the end, he pushed me away. "No, Gold," he murmured. "Just... Just no."

I captured his face in my hands and, sweeping his hair back, tilted his head up and pressed my lips against his. He forced me back and stood up, his eyes flaming. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and glared down at me. But the sadness was still there.

"I love you," I whispered. He covered his face with his hands and turned away.

"Don't," he said.

I reached up and brought his hands down. "I love you so much."

He began to shake his head. "I can't."

I began to panic. What was going on? Suddenly, it was as if all the hard work we had put into our relationship over the past couple of months had disappeared, and we were right back to square one.

"Silver, has something happened?" I asked.

"I don't know. You tell me," he replied quietly.

"If I've done something wrong I want to know." I frowned up at him. "Have I?"

There was a long, long pause. I didn't say anything because I didn't dare, and Silver didn't look like he was eager to tell me what was really on his mind. Eventually, he sighed, raised a hand to his head, and smiled weakly.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "It's nothing." He gave me a little push. "Idiot."

A smile of pure relief broke out over my face, and I hooked my hands around his neck and pulled him down as I raised onto my toes, and gave him a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. He leaped back in surprise, sending his chair crashing to the floor. I winced and gave him an apologetic look.

"Sorry," I mumbled, fighting off my laughter.

Silver turned away from me to pick his chair up. "I told you not to do that!" he spat. Had he said it at any other time I would have been hurt, but now I was quite honestly glad. He was acting like Silver again.

I sat back down, smiling. I didn't even care that my dinner was freezing cold, because I barely tasted it, I was so overcome with relief. Silver didn't seem so enthusiastic about it. He only ate a few more bites before setting his fork down on his plate and announcing he wasn't hungry.

I pulled a face. "You'll waste away," I said, mimicking one of Mom's old favourite lines. Silver rolled his eyes.

"Maybe I just don't like cold curry," he pointed out.

"You didn't have to wait for me, you know," I said, feeling guilty. Taking my fork in hand, I reached over the table, stabbed a piece of cold pork and raised it to Silver's lips.

"Come on, Silver, open wide!" I teased, waving the fork in front of his face. He gave me such a venomous look that I couldn't help but laugh. "Please?" I begged. "For me?" I faked a pout.

Silver glared down at the food with such anger that I was surprised it didn't burst into flames. Then he quickly leaned forward and took it into his mouth, his teeth clamping down so hard on the metal fork that I heard it 'clack'. He sat back in his chair, deep red in the face and refusing to look at me and he slowly chewed the tough piece of pork.

I gaped at him, dumbfounded. No way. Silver would never do something like that!

He noticed me staring and scowled. "W-What?" he snapped, folding his arms and biting his lip.

I smiled nervously. "Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Shut up," he snarled in reply. But he swallowed his food first.

–

That evening, I curled up next to Silver on the sofa with a mug of instant hot chocolate. Our apartment didn't have a heater, but I was still warm from my shower and felt very cosy under my blanket. I couldn't say the same for Silver. He was ready for bed in his T-shirt and boxers, and I could practically see the cold biting at his exposed skin, raising goosebumps to the surface. I snuggled up to him and wrapped one half of my blanket around his shoulders. He didn't take his eyes off the game he was playing on my DSi.

It felt wonderful, lying there with Silver, listening to his steady breathing. I could hear his heart racing under my ear. I wondered if it was because of me that it was beating so fast. I hoped so.

Suddenly afraid that I was making things too awkward, I picked up the remote control from the arm of the sofa and turned the TV off standby. Immediately the room was assaulted by a heavy beat, and I leaped into a sitting position and hit the 'mute' button quick. Silver looked irritated, but said nothing.

The TV was flashing through an old music video, with Lady Gaga prancing around the screen in a tight leather top with enormous shoulder-pads, shorts that were little more than underwear and patterned tights. The whole image was so ridiculous that I couldn't help but smile. Why was it that I could see Crystal wearing something like that?

"What's so funny?" Silver asked offhandedly, glancing at me.

"I was just imagining what Crystal would look like in that," I said amusedly, gesturing to the TV screen.

Silver turned his eyes towards the music video just in time to see Lady Gaga slithering all over a backup dancer in a raunchy, suggestive display. He just stared for a while. Then a harsh frown took over his face and he slammed my DSi down on the coffee table, got up and marched out of the room.

I didn't understand what was wrong until the next day when I got home from work. I was greeted by slap in the face by a magazine. I whined and rubbed his throbbing nose.

"Why did you do that?" I wailed at Silver.

He looked positively livid.

"If you want to look at girls, read that!" he hissed.

My gaze fell to the floor, to the magazine Silver had thrown at me. My eyes widened as I identified the cover model as a naked woman, the magazine name and tag lines conveniently covering her in all the necessary places.

I could feel my face turning red. I had never read a magazine like that before, not properly. I had skimmed through a few pictures Green had lent me, but I was only twelve at the time, and the revealing pictures had scared me so much that I had never considered buying one myself, not even when I was older.

"Oh, I..." I struggled to find the words. "It's okay. I-I don't need something like this." I smiled brightly at him, only to be met by a stony glare.

"Do you," - Silver was breathing hard- "have any idea how embarrassing it was to buy that? I had to hide my face with a scarf. I had to buy it from the place I work. In front of everyone. And the way they _looked_ at me, like I was..."

I took a step back. Silver's shoulders were heaving with every breath he took, and his voice was dangerously low. I could practically see the steam fizzing off his head as the anger built up inside him like a boiling kettle.

He exploded, marching over to me, picking up the magazine and forcing it into my hands. He grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me hard. "You are going to read this magazine and God damn it, you are going to _like_ it, do you understand me?" he hissed.

He reminded me of an angry dragon with smoke coming out of it's nostrils. I nodded fearfully and clasped the embarrassing magazine to my chest. Silver looked instantly better, taking a deep breath and releasing his grip on my shoulders. He rubbed his face with his hands before turning and stomping into the kitchen.

I went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. I pulled the coffee table in front of me and placed the magazine on it,holding it by the corners as if it was dirty. Then I spent about two minutes shifting it around so it was perfectly straight.

By the time Silver walked in, with a bowl in hand and noodles hanging halfway out of his mouth, I still hadn't been able to bring myself to turn back the the front cover.

"What's wrong?" Silver snapped, slurping up another forkful of noodles.

"I'm too scared to open it," I admitted sheepishly. "I don't look at these much. Have you read one?"

Silver choked on his dinner, making noodles fly out of his nose. I burst out laughing.

"That's so gross!" I said. Silver gave me a shove, making me topple sideways.

"Shut up," he muttered, blushing.

I threw a cushion at his head. "You shut up!" I reached up and grabbed his wrist and tugged at it, urging him to sit down beside me.

"Read it with me?" I begged. "It'll feel weird looking at it on my own."

Silver stared at me almost fearfully. Then he swallowed and put his bowl on the floor next to his foot. "Okay," he said hoarsely. He took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, okay..."

I giggled. He was trying to psyche himself up.

"Right. Here we go," I said nervously, picking up the magazine and lying it across my lap. "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind!" I forced a laugh and before I had the chance to chicken out, opened the magazine at the halfway point.

"Oh my God." Silver turned away immediately, his face hidden in his hands. I smiled sympathetically at him. Somehow, having Silver freaking out beside me made things easier. I flicked through the magazine with one eye open until I found a relatively mild picture, then I nudged Silver in the ribs with my elbow.

"Hey, come on," I said gently. "This one's okay."

Okay as far as a magazine like this would allow. At least it was only one woman this time.

It took Silver a good few seconds to get himself together enough to risk another glance. This time, thankfully, he didn't gasp and jerk away, though he looked as terrified as ever.

It was strange that I'd never really wondered in detail about what women looked like under their clothes. Sure, I'd been curious, but not enough to buy photographs or watch porn. The only person I'd ever wanted to see more of was Silver. I had speculated the idea of being gay a few times, but I didn't think that was the case. I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone but Silver.

But still, I had to admit, the sight of the scantily-clad models sprawled over the pages before me had a certain allure. I couldn't drag my eyes away from the smooth curves and the naked breasts and the models wrapped sensuously in each other's arms, winking, smiling and beckoning their audience. It was a whole different world; one that I wasn't a part of. But I could still watch, and that gave me an inexplicable thrill. The rush of doing something I knew I shouldn't.

I was bright red in the face and almost trembling, but I didn't stop turning the pages, my eyes growing wider and wider as the pictures grew more and more sexual. Upon turning a page to find a huge picture, spread over two pages, of two long haired, tanned models in a obviously lesbian pose, both stark naked with their long legs wound sensually around each other, presenting their bottoms and pointed breasts, I felt sure that Silver would hide his face again, but he didn't. He was as mesmerised as I was.

Either that, or he was just frozen solid.

As we neared the end of the magazine after what felt like a lifetime (but was probably only about five minutes), the initial shock and adrenaline began to fade away, and was replaced, surprisingly, by resentfulness. I could so easily ogle the bodies of these models, women who I'd never even met. But in seven years of knowing him, and over a year of 'dating' him, I had never even glimpsed Silver's bare body. It was a horrible thing to think about, but I couldn't help it. Looking down at the pictures, the artistically posed models blurred and became Silver in my mind. Silver, naked and unashamed, wanting me, needing me.

I started biting my thumbnail. Damn. I was getting hard.

Before I could stop myself, I was on Silver and kissing him like I was a drowning man and he was my oxygen. I don't know what it was that made him do it, but he kissed me back just as fiercely. He had never done that before. I saw my chance and took it, wrapping my arms around his neck and pushing him down on the sofa, my lips moving from his mouth to his jawline and down his neck. He gasped and dug his nails into my back as I bit his collarbone.

He let me kiss his sensitive neck, fighting off his moans, though I was moaning too. I bit down on his throat and sucked hard, and he yelped. It was probably the yelp that brought him to his senses, because less than a second later I was on the floor with my head spinning.

I was only vaguely aware of Silver snatching up the magazine and dashing into the kitchen. I heard him throwing it violently into the bin. "That's fucking sick!" he shouted. I didn't know whether he was talking about the magazine or me kissing him.

Then he disappeared into the bathroom. I didn't know why until I heard the shower running, and then I had to smile despite it all.

It had been going so well, too. I was beginning to think that Silver was never going to get used to me. I recalled the magazine. The bare models smiling coyly, headlines claiming 'I'll do anything!', and with an address provided on the page to prove it. I gulped. Before I knew what was happening, my feet had carried me into the kitchen. I gingerly fished the magazine out of the bin and flicked through it to find the 'get in touch' page.

I found a pen in the cutlery drawer. Then I quickly scribbled the address down on my hand.

_I'd like to request a tall model, please, with medium length red hair and a thin body shape. If you let your models wear no make-up, that'd be great, but if you don't, please could you keep it so you can't really tell she's wearing any? Also, could she keep her underwear on, or cover herself with something?_

_Thank you_

_G_

_(PS, no implants, please?)_

–

**Oh Gold. Really now?**

**I was really struggling with the latter half of this chapter, and the idea of Gold and Silver reading a dirty magazine together popped into my head, and I smiled so stupidly! Poor Gold and Silver are terrible at dealing with this sort of thing. But that's another reason why I love them.**

**I've never read a magazine like the one I described, but I did once read an article about such magazines in a newspaper- apparently, some really do have request pages! As such, though, I was unsure of the actual content of the magazines. All I heard from the article was that there were lesbian poses involved!**

**I'm really looking forward to writing the next chapter, hopefully I'll have as much fun writing it as I did writing this one! To think, I was actually dreading writing this chapter. I ended up having such a good time! Though it was a little awkward writing about dirty magazines with my mum, dad and two of my sisters in the same room.**


	22. Love and Conversation

There was a sale on at Goldenrod Department Store and the place was packed. I had been on my feet all day and my head was ringing with the sound of rattling coins, gossip and customer complaints. The fact that Green, working in a less popular department, got a break and I didn't pissed me off even more. And of course, he just had to come to my floor to lord it over me, pretending to be a customer and asking for my assistance, and flirting shamelessly with every female in sight.

He tried to chat up Blue, too, when the queue had finally died down. She wasn't having any of it, and hit him on the head with a rolled-up magazine, laughing.

"Not going to happen, Green," she giggled, sorting out the coins from the notes.

"Baby, you think I'm the kind of guy who tries to seduce every girl he sees..." Green said dramatically, leaning over the counter to hook his hands behind her head, weaving his fingers into her hair.

"No, I _know_ you are," Blue said, sticking her tongue out at him playfully. Green recoiled, miming heartbreak. I rolled my eyes and gave a grunt of disgust. Honestly! What an ass-hole. He turned to me and a smirk broke out over his face. He slithered over to me like a snake approaching it's prey.

"Hey," he said deeply, hitching himself up so that he was sitting on the counter. "If you're free tonight, I'm always available." leaning towards me, he stroked my cheek, sliding one finger down my jawline, then catching my chin between his thumb and forefinger. I slapped his hand away.

"What the fuck?" I raised my voice, even though I was on duty and would be in serious trouble if any of the customers heard me and reported it.

Green remained unaffected. Knowing him, he had probably gone through this whole charade a hundred times before. Smiling gently, he slid across the counter, inching closer to me, invading my personal space. He pressed a finger to my lips. "Shh, now," he said quietly. I could hear Blue laughing, and I wanted nothing more than to punch the smile off Green's face- but I was rooted to the spot. "There's no need to be shy. I'll be very gentle."

He brushed my hair back and put his lips right beside my ear. I shuddered.

"Or if you want to," he whispered, his breath hot against my skin, "I'll let you fuck me all night."

He licked my ear. I punched him.

He grinned at me as he wiped the blood from his nose. I glared back at him, too enraged to even move, though Green deserved more than just a punch in the face. I clamped my hand protectively over my wet ear, goosebumps erupting over my whole body. Ugh! _Ugh! _He _licked_ me! What was he _thinking?_

"If my Mastercard could buy you, Silver, I wouldn't hesitate!" Green laughed again, making more blood spurt from his nose and drip onto the floor. Blue was _not_ happy.

"Shut up, you!" she snapped, hopping over the counter and jerking his head back, pinching his nose hard between her fingers.

"Oww!" Green wailed.

"Oh, grow up. It can't hurt more than it already does," Blue said sharply. She turned on me. "Look what you've done! The boss'll have your head if she sees this!" She gave Green a little shake. "Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up. _Quick!"_ Spinning him around, she pushed him to get him going, and he staggered towards the bathroom sign. He waved limply as he went.

"Farewell, my love!" he called thickly. I threw a filthy look at his back as he sauntered away.

I saw an elderly woman approaching the counter and turned my attention back to my job, viciously opening the till and making the coins jump and scatter over the counter. As I ran her purchases under the scanner, I began to wonder about Gold, and why his touches made my heart race and head spin, while Green's only made me angry.

The woman gave me a funny look as I practically bit her head off when uttering the obligatory 'paper or plastic?', and quickly turned away and didn't look back. Blue shook her head at me and tutted. I was about to turn on her with a rude comment, but a blur of blue from across the room distracted me.

At first I thought it couldn't have been who I thought it was. But then she glanced up and noticed me. Her wide smile cast a deep, iron-cast dread into me, and my eyes frantically started searching for the nearest escape route.

"Hi, Silver," she cried, bounding over to me. I inwardly groaned. Why I chose a job that required me to be polite and indifferent at all times I would never know!

"Hello Crystal," I said through clenched teeth, not bothering to even attempt a smile. "Shouldn't you be in work?" It was a feeble try to get rid of her, but I hoped she'd take the hint.

Sadly (and unsurprisingly) she just giggled stupidly and straightened out her stiff-as-cardboard hair. "Oh, well, we were running low on a few things so I said I'd go and buy them. At least it got me out of the kitchen for a while! Man, Gold must be rushed off his feet without me!"

She burst out laughing. I had to suppress the urge to shut her up one way or another. Her laugh was so annoying- loud and shrill, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the noise of fingernails on a chalkboard. I had to cover my ears to block it out.

She was so thick-headed that she didn't even notice. "So, how's it going? Looks pretty busy."

Thank-you, Little Miss Obvious.

"Don't you have something you should be doing?" I muttered. Crystal's face lit up and she smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand.

"Oh yeah!" she cried, as if she'd forgotten all about it. Raising her shopping basket , she dumped it on the counter. "I'll take these, thanks."

I zoned out as I ran the various groceries and seasonings under the scanner, letting her babble on ineffectively to herself. What did Gold _see_ in her? All I saw was an irritating little girl who didn't know when to shut up. Like an annoying little dog yapping at your ankles. A biting flea that you couldn't squash.

Keeping my head down, I raised my eyes to look at her. She wasn't even that pretty. Her face wasn't much to look at- just average, and her eyebrows were crooked. She wasn't fat, but she was chunkier than other girls. More solid and muscular; not like Blue, who looked as if she could be picked up and snapped like a twig (even though I knew she wouldn't stand for it). And her clothes, well, I don't know who she borrowed the dancing dress from, but it was obviously someone at least two sizes smaller than her.

But there was one thing I couldn't really ignore. She was quite obviously female, and wasn't going to any lengths to hide it. Her too-small dress showed off her bare legs, and though she didn't have much of a chest, she wasn't afraid to show off what she had got.

I knew Gold liked girls. He could appreciate a pretty face, and he was never afraid of approaching a person of the female variety when we were younger. Most men would prefer a girlfriend over a boyfriend. Maybe Gold was the same. As a man, he'd probably at least want someone shorter than him. Crystal looked about his height, maybe a little taller, but not enough to notice. I thought about my own height of six-foot-four.

Gold was five-foot-five.

"Paper or plastic?" I asked irritably. I would never get over the humiliation asking that question caused me!

"Neither, thanks, I'll just carry them," Crystal replied. "I don't support cutting down trees for paper, and animals suffocate on plastic bags. I was thinking of going to a Greenpeace protest march over it. Pollution is a very serious issue, you know."

...Says the girl who probably breathes more hairspray than oxygen.

"I could probably get Gold to go with me. I wouldn't want to go on my own," she went on. "You should come too! I-I mean, you hang out with Gold a lot, so maybe he'd want you to go..." She trailed off uncertainly and scratched her head, smiling nervously.

I looked at her blankly. "I am working here, Crystal," I told her.

She sighed. "You don't like me very much, do you Silver?" she asked, leaning her elbows on the counter. "Not that I mind, but... why?"

Because you're annoying. Because you're oblivious. Because you wouldn't know your arse from your elbow if your parents hadn't pointed it out for you.

And yet you're everything I'm not.

She was so much more open than me. Even in her ugly yellow dress and poorly-applied make-up, she was brimming with confidence and smiling like she was on top of the world. She was cheerful and kind to everyone. She wasn't afraid to show that she cared.

She was so naïve, so trusting. Like she'd never experienced cruel reality, and still saw the world through rose-tinted glasses. She was a fully grown woman able to look at everything and everyone with the innocence of a child. So willing to love. So unaffected by the world. It was obvious she'd had a sheltered childhood, no doubt everything she'd ever wanted had been handed to her on a plate from the moment she was born. It showed in her infuriating niceness, and her expectation that everyone else should be nice too.

I envied her. Life would be so much easier if I was stupid. If I hadn't lived in the world and known what it was like to hurt and be betrayed, I would probably be as happy and eager-to-please as she was. Instead I was cold and distrustful. I had good reason to be. I knew what people- _all_ people- were really like under the masks they presented to the world. Selfish. Fickle. When push comes to shove, willing to use any means at their disposal to get what they want, even other people.

And I wasn't any different. I wasn't any better. And neither was Crystal. But the difference between us was that she just didn't know it.

And if I was being truly honest, that was what I'd prefer. That was what anyone would prefer- an escape from reality. It would be perfectly understandable, I realised, if Gold were to choose Crystal over me.

"Silver?" Crystal raised her eyebrows at me as I continued to ignore her.

"Thank you for shopping with us today," I said quietly, not looking at her.

She heaved a sigh and scraped all her purchases off the counter and into her handbag. "I don't know what I've done to make you hate me like this, Silver. I just wish you'd tell me."

How could I tell her? She wouldn't understand. Hell, even _I_ didn't understand. If Gold left me for Crystal, it would just confirm everything I thought about love from the start. But the thought of him doing so hurt.

I didn't want to think about it any more. When I got home, I skipped dinner and watched some terrible TV show about a simpering couple talking about their dream home. Like anyone would care! But I watched it anyway, despite my scepticism. I wasn't waiting for Gold. Not really. Even if I did jump to my feet and dash into the hallway when I heard the door open.

It wasn't that I was worried he wasn't going to come back. It was just... It was just...

"Hi, Silver," he smiled weakly at me from the doorway as he struggled out of his trainers. Crystal was right about him being rushed off his feet. He looked terrible; his hair was a mess and he had dark bags forming under his eyes. The way he dragged himself into the hallway, it was like he was about to collapse from exhaustion at any moment.

He staggered over to me. I bit my lip, and he noticed.

"What's up?" he asked tiredly.

_Do you like Crystal more than me?_

"Nothing."

I thought he would push it, but he just looked dazedly up at me. Maybe he was just too tired, but it didn't help. I wanted him to figure out something was wrong. I wanted him to grin and say "It's okay Silver, you're my favourite." Just to reassure me. Just to let me know.

_Tell me you love me._

I knew it made sense for him to choose Crystal over me. But I didn't want to believe that he would.

_You said you loved me._

Gold smiled feebly at me before weaving around me and dragging himself towards the bedroom, groaning.

_I really need to hear that right now._

"Don't you want dinner?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Not tonight, Silver."

And he went into the bedroom and closed the door behind him, forgetting all about me and the 'hello' kiss he would usually give me.

Had I been a weaker person, I would probably have cried.

–

**Oh God. Oh man. Oh God, oh man (et cetera)... Why does it seem that Gold and Silver's relationship is slowly dripping down the drain here? Don't worry, it's all part of my master plan!**

**Isn't it strange how we see different sides of characters depending on who is narrating? I mean, I really like Crystal, but the way Silver described her here, I sort of wanted to hate her. He's probably right about her being sheltered, though. Maybe I'll reveal more of Crystal's background later!**

**Silver's making things so much harder for himself here, and I suppose he is to blame for a lot of what is going on, but I still feel bad for him. I put myself in the characters' shoes when I'm devising my stories (actually, I speak their lines aloud to myself as I'm walking to school and have conversations with myself), and when I'm thinking and talking as Silver, I get very upset. He's just too proud...**

**I'm a little starved for ideas on the next chapter, so if you have any to offer, I'd be very grateful!**

**EDIT: Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot to give you a link to this picture, drawn by an anonymous benefactor. Whoever he or she is, I'm very grateful!**

**http: [slashslash] i44 [dot] tinypic [dot] com [slash] 10mr7rn [dot] png**


	23. Love and an Argument

I hadn't really intended to go through with my magazine scheme, but the note I wrote somehow found it's way into an envelope, which found it's way into a postbox. And when I stopped at the corner shop on the outskirts of Olivine for a packet of chewing gum, I just somehow ended up next to the magazine section.

I recognised the title right away: big, bold red letters, covering the bare minimum of the half-nude model splayed across the front cover. Swallowing, I glanced worriedly from side to side, checking nobody I knew was around. I knew it was stupid and that I shouldn't do it, but some perverse curiosity had taken hold of me and refused to let go. And before I knew it I was inching over to the 'men's interests' shelf.

The magazine was one the very top shelf, presumably to keep it away from children. I had to jump to get it down, accidentally knocking half a dozen other magazines off balance and sending them raining down on my head in a downpour of suggestive poses and revealing underwear. I fumbled to get them back in place as all eyes in the aisle turned to stare at me. I heard some people tutting, and the teenage girl closest to me was shaking her head. I pulled my hat down to cover my burning face.

To be honest, I was all set to run straight out of the shop. But I didn't want to have gone through all that embarrassment for nothing. So I headed over to the counter to pay for my magazine. I hung back because I didn't want the busty store clerk who looked like she'd just stepped straight out of the thing to serve me. The only other person at the till was a middle aged man. I worried that he might have a teenage daughter and refuse to take my money, but he just shook his head and smiled.

"I was young once too. I'm assuming you want a bag for this?"

I nodded gratefully, and left the shop with as much of my dignity as I could.

I didn't dare look at it with so many people around. I went to great lengths to hide it from the human eye when I got to the cafe. I couldn't even confide in Crystal, and wouldn't let her give me a hug because I had the bag held behind my back. I had to wait until my break to disappear into the staff bathrooms and have a proper look.

I skimmed through the whole magazine, trying to find the right page. The fortnight's photos were almost identical to the ones in the last issue from what I could tell, with a few minor tweaks here and there. Considering the theme, I couldn't help but think they could afford to be a bit more adventurous.

I wasn't really expecting them to have chosen my request. But by some sick twist of fate, they had. Maybe I had been the only person to write in, I don't know. But they had done it, and done a pretty good job of it at that.

Of course, there was no natural way to make a woman look like a man. But the upwards-tilted face of the pale-skinned model was longer and more angular than those of the other models', her body less curvy and her chest flatter. Her hair was layered and cut into an choppy, angular style, nothing like Silver's lank, uneven mop, but the similarity in colour and length was uncanny. Her large, questioning eyes were a bright blue as opposed to Silver' piercing grey, and her features were obviously more feminine. But if I tilted my head in just the right way and squinted, she could _almost_ pass as a man, albeit with a very slight build.

I thought about the Silver in the magazine, and how much more confident and willing he seemed than the real Silver. I imagined him kissing me, touching me, pushing me down and...

My hand moved down on it's own accord, and for a second it felt amazing. Then I opened my eyes and saw not Silver, but an unknown woman staring up at me.

A tidal wave of guilt crashed over me, and I was suddenly ashamed of what I had done. It was like I had used Silver somehow. Like I had invaded his privacy- like spying on him while he showered or something. And the worst part was that he had no idea, so he couldn't punish me for it.

I tore the page out of the magazine and ripped it up. Despite it all, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that all my hard work had gone to waste. I left the crumpled magazine in the bin on the way out of the bathroom.

"Where were you?" Crystal asked when I reappeared by her side. "You were ages!"

"I, uh, got my zipper stuck," I said, using the first excuse that popped into my head then wishing I hadn't as I recalled a very painful experience from my childhood.

Crystal winced. "I don't think I want to know!" she said. Then she grinned and sidled up to me. "Guess what?" she whispered conspiratorially, then shrieked before I could reply. "I got a date with Eusine!"

I cowered away, clutching my ringing ear. "C-Congratulations..."

Crystal was oblivious to my pain as she blabbed on and on about her 'Eusie'.

"Of course, he doesn't _know_ it's a date, but it's so obvious! We're going to the observatory and then to that new sushi bar that's just opened near the lighthouse. I've always wanted to try squid..." She went on and on, and I fazed out and let her get on with it. I had a feeling that if Crystal and Eusine were ever to hook up for real, I would never hear the end of it.

I sighed and leaned my elbow on the counter. I supposed I was just being sour because things were going so well for Crystal while Silver and I seemed to be falling apart. But that wasn't Crystal's fault, and I shouldn't take it out on her.

"Gold? Hey, I'm talking to you!" Crystal nudged me in the ribs. I snapped to attention and she rolled her eyes at me. "As I was _saying_, I'm going to a Greenpeace march supporting environmental awareness- want to come with me? _Please_ Gold, I'd feel so much better if you would. Yellow's going too, but you know how she is."

"Well, I don't know..." I started biting my thumbnail. I had never really shown any major concern about the environment. I left the TV on stand-by and forgot to turn off lights and hardly ever recycled. Going to an environmental awareness march might be seen as, well, hypocritical.

Crystal saw me struggling. "You could bring Silver along," she said in an attempt to persuade me. "Maybe I could get him to like me more, too."

"He does like you," I said, hoping she would fall for it. Crystal might not have been number one on Silver's Christmas card list, but she didn't need to worry herself over it. "He just doesn't show it."

Crystal snorted. "Yeah, right!" she laughed. "It didn't seem like it when I saw him."

I frowned. "When did you talk to him?" I asked. The last time I could recall seeing them together was at Crystal's eighteenth birthday party, and that was ages ago. "What did he say to you?"

Crystal's face blanked. Then she grinned broadly. "Oh, nothing! It's not important anyway," she said, skipping into the kitchen to bring somebody's order out. I followed her, getting more and more frustrated.

"When did you last see him, Crystal?" I asked as she weaved past me with a plate in each hand.

"On my birthday!" she said, sighing. "Just drop it, would you, Gold?" She gave me a look that told me she was serious, and I had no choice but to do as I was told. She somehow took this as a confirmation that I would go to the rally with her, and I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. I still wasn't clear about Silver, though, and her swift change of subject hadn't exactly reassured me. I decided to tackle him about it when I got home.

He didn't come to greet me when I got back. I found him in the living room, sprawled out on the sofa, reading a girly-looking book. He slammed it shut when he saw me. Grinning, I wandered over to him and sat down on the arm of the chair.

"What're you reading?" I asked.

"None of your business." He was doing his best to hide the book under his arm, but I caught a glimpse of the cover anyway- bright pink with silver shapes scattered across the front, like shattered glass. I held back a giggle when I saw the title: _Kiss._

I decided to spare him the embarrassment and kept my mouth shut.

"It's not _mine_," Silver said defensively. "It's Blue's. She gave it to me for some reason."

I raised my eyebrows. "Is it good?"

"Well it's all right, I mean, Sylvia's pretty annoying, but she's just met Miranda and she's fine, and her friend Carl..." Silver's eyes suddenly widened, and I got the feeling that I had caught him off-guard. Then his expression hardened and he glared at me. "No. It's shit."

It really wasn't fair that he could make me melt so easily. I slid down onto the seat from the arm of the chair and leaned over to wrap my arms around his waist and nuzzle my face into his chest. He sighed exasperatedly, but didn't force me away.

"Why are you hugging me? I didn't do anything," he muttered.

"Because," I said, "you're a wonderful person and I love you!"

He squirmed underneath me. "Don't say that," he said. "This isn't some homo chick-flick."

I started laughing. Typical Silver!

"Hey, Silver," I mumbled against his chest. "I'm going to this Greenpeace rally with Crystal next week. You wanna come along?"

"_What?"_ Whatever I had expected Silver's reaction to be, it definitely wasn't that. He rolled me off him with one swift brush of his arm, and jumped to his feet. I lay on the floor in a giggling heap, not quite grasping how affected Silver was.

"What's wrong with that?" I asked, stretching out of the carpet. "All we're going to do is walk down around the city for a bit. You don't have to go if you don't want to."

"Why do _you_ want to go?" Silver demanded. "You don't care about the environment. And neither does Crystal."

"Yes she does."

Silver laughed bitterly, and I started to get a very bad feeling. "Like hell she does! How much spray do you think she uses on that hair of hers? Ever seen her recycling or talking about the dangers of carbon emissions? Face it, Gold, this is just a stupid craze."

I matched Silver's glare with my own. "Even if it is, I still want to be there with her! What have you got against her anyway? She hasn't done anything to you."

Silver didn't reply, and stormed off into the kitchen. I followed him, determined not to let the matter drop.

"Silver, I mean it. What is it with you and Crys?" I asked. "Even today she was talking about it. When did you see her?"

Silver continued to ignore me, and something just clicked in my head. I remembered how Crystal went to Goldenrod on Friday to pick up some supplies after Alan had run out. And I remembered that Silver was likely to be on duty at that time.

"You met her at work, didn't you?" I said quietly. Silver froze, and I knew I'd hit the nail on the head. I recalled how sadly Crystal had smiled when she had talked about Silver, and how upset she had looked when she mentioned their conversation. I was suddenly filled with anger. "What did you say to her?" I demanded.

He turned on me immediately. "That's none of your god-damned business," he spat.

"Well, it is actually, if you've been horrible to one of my friends," I shot back. "Damn it, Silver, you just can't treat people like you do!"

"What do you know?" Silver yelled, making me jump. "We can't all be like you, Gold! We can't automatically like everybody we meet! And fuck it, how can you expect me to slap on a smile for a girl I can't stand?"

"But what has she done to-"

"_Nothing!_" Silver interrupted furiously. He was flaring up. "She hasn't done anything to me. That doesn't mean I can't hate her anyway. I hate that bitch and every time you mention her, I swear, I just want to punch you in the fucking skull!"

I instinctively took a step back. I hated it when Silver got like this, and when he did I usually meekly tiptoed around it, not wanting to cause a fuss. But if there was one thing I couldn't stand, it was people badmouthing my friends when they weren't around to defend themselves.

"She's not a bitch," I whispered. My voice rose suddenly in volume. "Don't you dare call her that."

"Why not?" Silver replied. "Or would you rather me call her rude, uptight, sarcastic and completely an utterly socially inept?"

I frowned- why did those words sound familiar? Then it hit me like a bucket of icy water. My conversation a few weeks ago with Crystal. Oh God.

"S-Silver," I faltered, determined not to give up. "That has nothing to do with-"

"Yeah, you're right." He cut me off as he strode past me. "It's probably just my stick-up-ass syndrome."

Sighing, I followed him back into the living room. The urge to take him down a peg had left me, and all I could feel was a horrible, gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach. Was this what Silver's hostility was all about?

I sat down beside him on the sofa. He was leaning over with his hands pressed against his forehead. I put my hand on his shoulder and gave him a little shake.

"Hey," I said awkwardly. "Listen, I..." I took one of his hands in mine and squeezed it. He didn't pull away, though he looked like he wanted to. I smiled hopefully up at him. "I know... things haven't exactly been easy lately, but... we can work it out, can't we?"

I entwined my fingers with his. I loved how our hands looked together, alternating pale and tanned skin. My attention focused down, I didn't notice Silver hook his free hand around my head until I felt his cold fingers tentatively touch my cheek. I turned my head to face him, surprised, and nearly leaped out of my skin as Silver clumsily crashed his lips into mine.

He pulled away almost instantly, a deep scowl etched into his face. I could only stare, my mouth opening and closing feebly, unable to summon any words forward.

It took me approximately five seconds to realise just how much my mouth was hurting. What Silver had given me was less of a kiss and more of an assault via his mouth. His teeth had clacked roughly against mine, hence the throbbing in my gums, and my upper lip was burning as if it was bleeding.

I hissed in pain and turned away, clutching my aching mouth. Beside me, Silver swore. Then he got up and marched straight out of the room, and I realised that I had screwed up. Again.

"No, Silver, wait..." I said thickly, forcing my hand away from my jaw. I couldn't miss the smear of blood on my palm. Staggering out into the hallway, I found him struggling into his trainers.

"Where are you going?" I asked quietly.

"I knew that was a bad idea," he muttered under his breath, grabbing his jacket from the back of the door. As I watched him, I noticed something that I hadn't had the chance to spot before.

Silver was shaking. Actually, physically shaking. So much so that he could barely tie his shoelaces. His face was cherry-red and getting redder by the second, and the look in his eyes was akin to a small, frightened animal.

I hadn't understood just how difficult it must have been for Silver to make the first move like that. He had put his pride on the line, and had trusted me not to break it. I knew how serious Silver's issues with trusting people were, but he had gotten past them. For _me._ And then what did I go and do? Only rub his face in his useless kissing skills! I could have slapped myself.

"Silver, please, don't go..." I begged, shuffling over to him.

He looked at me. And God, he looked so betrayed. And hurt, and angry. And I had caused it.

He opened the door and went to walk out. I raised a hand.

"Silver," I said quietly. "Please."

There silence that followed was excruciatingly long. Then, the door closed. Only now, Silver was back in the hallway, with me.

–

**Finally! It seems like forever since I updated- I know it isn't, but I do think I'm behind schedule with this one, the reason being that I was away on a hiking trip for a few days.**

**Well, what can I say? One half of me wants to smack both Gold and Silver and tell them to work on their terrible communication skills, but the other half (the dominant half!) is telling me to _push them to their limits!_**

**Thanks to an idea by a reviewer (I won't mention the name for spoilers' sake, but s/he will probably know who s/he is), I now have a clear idea of what will happen in the next few chapters! Does that mean more updates? I hope so!**

**On another note, I have recently been getting unnatural cravings to write a Gold/Silver lemon related to this story- though it would have to be a one-shot set in the future, for obvious reasons. I warn you though, it would probably be the unlemonyest lemon in the history of unlemony lemons! I just couldn't imagine these two being utterly mind-blowing in bed. They're both so inexperienced and shy! But I think it would be a lot of fun to write an awkward sex scene, and though I have virtually no experience in writing love scenes, I might just give it a shot!**


	24. Love and Nightmares

The book Blue had lent me had taken a surprising turn, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to read any more. It was all getting a little too personal. I got enough girly, emotional rubbish thrown at me by Gold, without having to read a whole novel about it. So, I marked the page I was on and put it down on the chest of drawers beside me.

I usually just bent the page back when I wanted to mark my place, but Blue had old me sternly that she didn't want me ruining her book, so I had to use a bookmark. Except I didn't have a bookmark, so I ended up using an old photograph of me and Gold. I wasn't being sentimental or anything like that. I just needed a bookmark. If I was being emotional, I would probably have chosen a nicer photo.

It was nothing special. Just the two of us, carelessly spread out over Gold's grey couch, fast asleep with old Playstation controllers beside us. I was collapsed back against the cushions, my mouth hanging open in a surprisingly accurate fish impression, and Gold had fallen to one side in his sleep and was practically curled up on my lap like a cat. We couldn't have been older than thirteen, and were at that awkward stage of 'becoming an adult'. I hadn't grown into my teeth yet, so I looked a bit goofy, and Gold was barely recognisable. He had his hair cut much shorter than it was now, and gelled into some stupid style that he probably thought looked cool- spiked out all around his head with dark blue highlights at the tips; his skin wasn't as tanned and he was much smaller. It felt weird seeing a thin Gold. He had been chubby for years. Ever since his mom started dating Graham.

I heard the door open and I looked up to find Gold dragging himself into the bedroom, towelling his hair after a shower. His clothes were soaked because he never dried himself properly. Gingerly, he sat down on the very edge of the bed.

We hadn't been sleeping together recently. It would have been too awkward, with the turn our relationship was slowly taking, and my embarrassing failure of a kiss had only worsened the situation. Still, Gold had been unusually affectionate, always cuddling up to me and wanting me to hold him. He didn't look happy when he did it, though. He looked almost guilty.

I didn't want to kid myself that we were going to last much longer the way we were going. Sooner or later, we were going to break up. I had seriously considered telling Gold it was over between us. I didn't want to be the one being dumped- I'd never be able to live it down. But no matter how much I told myself that, I hadn't been able to go through with it. Because part of me, a small, stupid part of me, was hoping that we could still work things out.

I rolled over where I lay to make room for him. Slowly, he laid down next to me and leaned his head against my shoulder. Reaching across him, I turned the bedside lamp off and awkwardly shuffled under the duvet. Then I turned my back on him.

Gold started running his hands up and down my back. "Silver, are you all right?"

_No, I'm not._

"I'm fine."

The hands stopped.

"...Okay then," Gold said quietly. Then he turned onto his side so that his back was facing me.

It took me a long, long time to get to sleep.

When I woke up, it must have already been midday, because the strong sunlight was pouring into the room through the open window, making my eyes sting. Gold had disappeared from my side, and I guessed it was him who had drawn the curtains and opened the window. Groaning, I sat up, cradling my throbbing head in my hands. Gold was going to pay for letting all that migraine-inducing light in.

Dragging myself out of bed, I staggered out into the hallway and towards the living room, all sent to give him a clip round the ear. Then I heard a voice.

"No... no, he's asleep."

It was quite obviously Gold, and he was talking about me, from the sound of things. Remembering the last time I had eavesdropped on one of his phone-calls, I knew I should go straight back into the bedroom and wait until he had finished talking. But I couldn't move. My legs wouldn't budge, and all I could do was stand there and listen against my will.

"I know, I _know." _Gold sounded frustrated. Panicky, almost. Like he was afraid of getting caught. "I'll be leaving any day now, I swear."

My blood turned to ice. This couldn't be what I thought it was. It _couldn't. _I had to say something. I had to shut him up- but to my horror, I found I couldn't open my mouth.

"I just... I don't want to hurt him, Crys."

Speak, Silver. I clawed at my lips. Work, work, _work._

"_.._.It won't work."

My head grew light. I swayed slightly where I stood, and ended up leaning against the wall. The floorboards creaked beneath my feet as I moved.

Gold went quiet. "...I think he might be up," he whispered. "I have to go." I heard a smile in his voice. "I love you, too."

And he opened the door. The look on my face must have told him I'd heard all I needed to know, because he dropped his phone in shock. We stood there, staring at each other, for a long time. I should have told him.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do. It shouldn't have turned out like this. Gold loved _me_. He was supposed to love me.

"I'm sorry," Gold said eventually. He was looking straight at me, though could barely see him. My eyes were hurting, and my vision blurred. All I could make out was his eyes. And they didn't look sad. Tired and defeated, maybe, but not sad. In fact, I could have sworn he looked almost relieved.

Like he had been living in a locked cage, and Crystal had given him the key.

He took a deep breath, like he was refreshing himself. "It's not working out, is it?" he said.

And just like that, the floor disappeared from under me, and I was falling, falling...

I woke with a start as I hit the ground full-force. I was back in my bedroom in the suffocating darkness, breathing hard and freezing cold even though my forehead was damp with sweat. I lay there staring up at the ceiling for some time, focusing on my own breathing. In, out. In, out. Then I became vaguely aware of a weight pressing down on my shoulder. After a moment's struggling, I managed to pull my arm free and turn onto my side.

I watched Gold sleeping beside me. His mouth was open and he was drooling all over the pillow. Typical. I reached out subconsciously to brush away the few strands of hair that were sticking to his cheek. He snorted and squirmed, and I snatched my hand away, then hated myself for being so jumpy. Who would even want to watch somebody sleep anyway? A stalker, that's who.

I turned onto my back and rubbed my face, trying to scrub away the thoughts that were swarming around my head. Gold looked so peaceful when he was asleep. He never looked like that when he was awake. He just looked lost and hurt and tired. Because of me. I could make him smile, but I also made him cry. I could hold him, but I pushed him away too. I could make an effort- but I didn't. I just didn't.

I could be with him, I realised; but I couldn't make him happy.

Therefore, it seemed completely understandable that he would leave me. I was short-tempered and mean and cold. I didn't have anything going for me. Crystal was naïve and annoying- but she was also cheerful and kind. Gold could be happy with her.

But if he was going to be happy, he would have to leave me.

Oh God, he was going to leave me.

I don't know what made me do it. Probably the mixed effects of my nightmare and my inability to think straight having only just woken up. But I turned back towards Gold and touched his face.

"Please don't," I whispered. "...Don't leave me."

My arms moved around him and pulled him close to my chest. "Please don't leave me."

I knew I was being stupid. What difference would it make if he left me? I didn't need anyone. Not now, not ever.

But somehow, for some reason, I couldn't let Gold go.

"Do whatever you want to me, just don't leave me."

That wasn't me talking. It couldn't be me.

Gold squirmed and struggled in my arms. I was holding him too tightly. He started to push against me, and I let him go, not wanting him to wake up. He turned his back on me, and I started breathing again; slow, deep breaths. It wasn't fair. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

I was only meant to be humouring Gold. Staying with him until he realised that I wasn't what he wanted and lost interest. But he had sucked me into his little fantasy and now I was playing his game. And what's more, I was losing.

I stared at Gold's back, watching his pudgy little body rising and falling gently with every breath he took. Then, without thinking, I wrapped my arm around his middle and hugged him lightly, like always used to do to me. I wondered- was this how he felt when I turned my back on him?

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep after that, so I crawled over Gold and headed for the living room, pulling yesterday's jeans and jacket on over my boxers and T-shirt. _Cow and Chicken_ didn't seem so tasteless at three in the morning, so I lowered the volume and settled down best I could to watch.

When I woke up I was hanging halfway off the sofa with my face buried in the damp-smelling carpet. Pulling myself up, I groaned. My whole body was aching, and I had a painful crick in my neck. The TV had been turned off, presumably by Gold. I could hear him chatting away in the kitchen, laughing nervously and sounding like somebody was chewing him out big time.

Getting up, I wandered in to find him pacing around the floor with his phone pressed to his ear while the kettle over-boiled on the side. Rolling my eyes, I went over and turned the electricity off at the wall. He flashed me a grateful smile before going back to his conversation. I prepared two mugs- black coffee for me and tea with three-and-a-half teaspoonfuls of sugar for Gold- and started pouring in the water.

"Yeah, I got it. I'll be there in about three weeks?"

I froze.

"Yeah, I know, but I'm needed here too! He's got me paying half the rent!" Gold forced a laugh, shooting an apologetic look my way. "Yes, I know... I _know_ things can't go on this way, but- you want me to leave now, is that it? ...Sorry, I... yeah, I love you too. H-Hey, Silver!"

I had stopped mid-pour. The scalding water was spilling over the top of the full mug, onto the counter and then onto the floor. A few droplets splashed onto my leg. I swore and slammed the kettle down so hard that what water was left inside it was sent rocketing out of the top.

Gold appeared at my feet with a handful of kitchen roll, mopping up the watery mess best he could with the flimsy paper.

"No, it's fine," he laughed down the phone. "Silver just emptied the kettle all over the floor." He sprang back up, the kitchen roll reduced to a sodden wad of mush in his hand. "I gotta go. See you later, Mom."

He ended the call and pulled a face at me. "You could at least help me clean up!" he said, heading to the bin and dumping the soaking sludge inside. "That was my mom, by the way. She wants me to visit her. Y'know, work it out with Gray and all."

I just stood there, staring at him. It was his mom. Just his mom. I started laughing humourlessly.

Gold frowned at me. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing, I..." I paused, looking Gold up and down, seeing him properly for the first time that morning. "Where are you going?" Gold was never out of his pyjamas before midday on a Sunday morning unless he was going out.

"I'm meeting Crystal, remember? The Greenpeace march," he said. He twisted his right wrist to check his watch. "Speaking of which, I'm meeting her in fifteen minutes."

He hurried out into the hallway, stuffing his last slice of toast into his mouth as he went. I heard him fumbling.

"Silver, do you know where my Crocs are?" he called.

"You are not wearing those," I said plainly, following him and leaning against the kitchen door. "They look ridiculous."

"They do not!" Gold said, pouting. "You've hidden them, haven't you?"

I snorted. "Of course I haven't. They're in the bottom of the wardrobe."

He grinned and disappeared into the bedroom, emerging seconds later in the bright pink monstrosities. I regarded him with disdain. He looked thoroughly stupid, even by his standards. The tight yellow tank top did nothing for his body shape and accentuated his chubby tummy, and what were meant to be shorts looked more like three-quarter trousers on his stubby legs. The addition of the Crocs and the green tennis cap only heightened the spectacle.

"How do I look?" he asked jokingly, twirling around, putting his hands on his hips and pouting in an effective parody of a catwalk model.

"Like a faggot," I replied. He giggled, then jumped up and pecked me on the lips.

"I'll pretend you didn't say that," he said. He skipped over to the door. "See you later, Silver! I'll probably be back in about two hours. Do you want me to take the key?"

I thought about it. "No," I said eventually.

"Why not? Don't you want to go out?" Gold asked, tilting his head to one side.

"Because I'm going with you," I said, marching over to the door and pulling on my boots. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was acting so irrationally. So much for not looking like a stalker.

I snatched the keys from Gold's unresisting hand. "We going or what?" I snapped, glaring at him.

A smile broke out over his face.

"Definitely!"

I should have been glad that I'd gotten away with it, that I could keep an eye on Gold and Crystal's behaviour. But I had a bad feeling about this rally.

A very bad feeling.

--

**A few of you have been wondering about the role of pokemon in 'Leaps and Bounds', and I'll take this opportunity to explain it in full.**

**I think it's quite clear by now that this story is AU to some extent, but as you may have picked up on, pokemon still exist (what, with Eusine's Suicune-chasing and all). However, pokemon in this world are the equivalent of animals in our world. They exist in the wild and as pets – they just aren't used for fighting.**

**Also, this is _gameverse- _you will see I have added 'huntershipping' to the and Silver's past was the game's story, minus the pokemon (yes, I have changed a few things since 'Small Steps'... sorry about that; you'll just have to bear with it!);they were just ordinary rivals. I used gameverse so that I could create Gold's personality from scratch. That, and I never did get around to reading the manga...**

**I hope that has answered any questions you may have had concerning the basic foundation of this story!**

**Now that _that's_ out of the way, I can get on with the _real_ Author's Note...**

**Well. I've recently been swamped with fanart linked in with this story! This makes me very happy, and I'll share a few with you:**

**http: (slashslash) aruka-san (dot) deviantart (dot) com (slash) art (slash) Please-Say-It-160431420**

**http: (slashslash) aruka-san (dot) deviantart (dot) com (slash) art (slash) Don-t-Move-Away-160337104**

**http: (slashslash) m-0h (dot) deviantart (dot) com (slash) art (slash) And-It-s-Contagious-161873163**

**http: (slashslash) i43 (dot) tinypic (dot) com (slash) 2weie5y (dot) png**

**They're all so well-drawn, and I feel honoured that people want to create art based upon my story. I have quite a few more pieces that I recieved from Anonymous, but it was made clear that those were for my eyes only, so sorry!**

**I'll make a promise of some action next chapter- though it might not be the action you're hoping for! I'd really like to know what you thought of this chapter... I hope I didn't make Silver OOC. I know everyone acts differently when they're shaken-up and half-asleep, but I still wanted it to be believable... Poor Silver, I'm really pushing him to the edge!**


	25. Love and Protest

We met up with Crystal and Yellow outside the radio tower at half-past-eleven. It took a good few minutes for us the work our way through the huge crowd that had gathered in preparation for the march. I hadn't expected there to be so many people- it was difficult to breathe in the forest of bodies. Silver didn't have any problem about simply shoving people out of his way, but I had a hard time weaving through the crowd, having to practically shout 'excuse me' and being forced to take several detours around people that simply refused to move no matter how hard I tried to get their attention.

Crystal squealed when she saw me. "Gold!" She jogged over to me with Yellow close behind her. "You look hideous!"

"Yeah, you're rubbing off on me," I said jokingly, and she pulled a face in mock hurt. She actually didn't look all that outrageous, which surprised me. I'd have thought she would've taken the opportunity to show off her wacky style to the max, but she was just wearing old, faded jeans with patches sewn over the knees and a baggy Greenpeace T-shirt.

"What happened to you? You look normal," I commented. She smacked me over the head. Then she turned to Silver and smiled shyly.

"Hi, Silver," she said, waving even though he was only a few feet away from her. I knew he hated it when people did that. He wouldn't reply, and she turned back to me with an awkward grin. "Okay, here's what we're going to do!"

The plan was for us to walk from the radio tower past the game corner and magnet train station, then through the city centre and round through the shopping district, before going back to the tower again. The whole thing would take just under two hours.

It wasn't how I thought it would be. Some people were carrying posters and shouting all the chants you would expect to hear, but it wasn't expected of you to do the same. I just hung around the side of the crowd, letting the flow of people carry me along as I chatted with Crystal and Yellow. I was acutely aware of Silver lingering by my side, but I couldn't think of anything to say to him that wouldn't sound awkward. He probably wouldn't want to speak to me anyway.

About a thirty minutes into the march, Eusine appeared at Crystal's side and jabbed her in the ribs, making her shriek. She gasped when she saw who it was.

"_You_!" she cried, swiping at him playfully. "What are you doing here?"

"The well-being of our natural environment is extremely important to me!" Eusine explained. "My research is dependent on it, after all."

Silver snorted contemptuously beside me, and I resisted the urge to drive my elbow into his side.

We neared the end of the main street, about to turn off into the shopping district. Somewhere along the line, people had started joining hands in a sort of confirmation of their conviction, and Crystal quickly picked up on this. She grabbed Eusine's hand a little too enthusiastically, and then took hold of mine too, probably to cover up her true intentions. I saw Silver casting furtive glances our way, and I tried to hold his hand as well. He snatched it away.

I didn't have time to feel hurt as a nervous Yellow slipped in between us and took hold of my free hand. I smiled understandingly at her. Obviously she wouldn't have felt confident enough to hold hands with Eusine, who she barely knew.

I hadn't noticed that the pace of the march was getting progressively slower until we were forced to halt altogether. A wave of confusion washed over the crowd, and the worried murmurs quickly raised to shouts of indignation.

Yellow's hand tightened around mine, cutting off all the blood to my fingers. "What's going on?" she whispered.

"I don't know," I said, unsure of why we were talking so quietly.

Crystal was jumping up and down frantically. "It's the police!" she hissed.

"What?" I exclaimed. "But... we're not doing anything wrong! Are they going to arrest us?"

"I-I don't think so," Crystal replied uncertainly. "I mean, we're kind of blocking the roads here, so they probably just want to divert us..."

Silver was swaying from one foot to the other and craning his neck above the crowd, making himself look like some red-headed breed of stork. "Oh no," he said quietly. He sounded angry. "I'm not having this." And he started to push his way towards the front of the crowd.

Yellow's hand turned into a vice, and I heard my knuckles crack. "W-Where is he going?" she asked. "There aren't really any police, are there Gold?"

Silver had disappeared into the crowd in front of us. Writhing out of Yellow's woman-of-steel grip, I smiled nervously at her, Crystal and Eusine. "I'll go and check it out."

I squeezed my way through the crowd towards the wall of policemen. They were wearing protective gear and had plastic shields held up in front of them, forming a barrier against the march. I swallowed. If I had known this would happen, I would never have come.

I heard Silver before I saw him, shouting over the building protests of the crowd.

"What the fuck is this?" he demanded. He was right in the face of one of the leading policemen, fists clenched, ready to fight. I inched over to him and tried to take his arm and discreetly pull him away. He wouldn't budge.

"Silver..." I whispered desperately. "Let's go back. You don't even care about the rally..."

"Yeah, but I'm here, and seeing as I am I think I deserve an explanation for this," he spat, never taking his eyes off the man in front of him.

The police officer sighed and put down his shield. "Sir, if you could please calm down," he said primly. "In a protest this big, it's not unusual for violence to break out. We're just here to make sure that doesn't happen."

"Well you're doing a damn good job of it!" Silver snapped, waving an arm in the direction of the indignant crowd. "Everything was going just fine until you showed up."

"We're not looking for trouble," the officer explained.

"You march in here with your helmets and clubs and expect us to believe you're not looking for trouble?" Silver snorted. "Well guess what, you found it."

The police officer turned away to speak into his radio, and Silver grabbed his arm and yanked him back. He was met with half a dozen men advancing on him threateningly. The young officer raised his hands. "It's okay, it's okay! I got it."

"What's going on over here?" A loud, authoritative voice boomed over the buzz of the crowd and police. My heart started pounding and I tried to drag Silver away. He shoved me back.

"You go back if you want," he snapped. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm not leaving without you," I said. "_Please_ Silver, you're going to get yourself arrested." I looked around, my panic rising when I saw we had attracted an audience from both sides. I couldn't see Crystal, Yellow or Eusine though.

Silver let out a loud bark of a laugh. The he shrugged and turned his head forward to face the puce-faced man who was barrelling through his own line of men to get to him.

"You the one in charge here?" Silver asked without even blinking. At the man's stiff nod, he went on. "Well, maybe you can explain to me what the hell is going on here, seeing as your men are such useless shits."

This sent a wave of disgruntled yells rippling over the surrounding policemen, and above the noise, someone shouted, "He grabbed Conway, sir!"

The man frowned, then shouted, "Conway!" The young officer Silver had been taking his anger out on appeared his side.

"Y-Yes, Sir!" he said, saluting. The man sighed exasperatedly and waved him away.

"Don't salute!" he said. "I just want to know, did this man touch you?"

Conway bit his lip. "He pulled my arm, Sir, but-"

"That's all I needed to know," the man said. He turned to Silver, his face twisting into something which almost resembled a smirk. "Sir, you just assaulted a police officer which is an arrestable offence. You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence."

All at once, angry cries and protests broke out among the crowd. Above the roar, I could hear Silver shouting furiously, "What the fuck? I didn't _assault_ him! What the fuck?"

I had my hands over my ears and my eyes shut tight, so I didn't see who started it. But when I opened my eyes, it was chaos. Everyone was screaming, and there was blood. Silver was lost in the crowd.

I jumped a foot in the air as a young woman dived on the police officer who was running past me and started beating him with her fists. A second later she was on the ground, her body jerking wildly and her eyes wide open but not seeing anything. Getting up, the now-bloodied policeman put his taser back in his pocket.

I rushed to the woman's side and knelt down beside her, not wanting to touch her in case I got electrocuted too. I leaned over her, protecting her head from the storm of stamping feet that surrounded us. Somebody tripped over me. It didn't hurt, but I screamed anyway, terrified.

"Silver! Crystal!" I yelled. "Where are you?"

An older woman crouched down beside me and took the hand of the shocked girl. "It's okay, I'm her mother," she shouted over the din. "You run away. Run!"

I stumbled to my feet and staggered away. I kept checking over over shoulder until the two women were hidden by the crowd, and I only turned back in time to narrowly dodge a fist aimed at my head. I dropped to the ground, and the person who had tried to punch me then started attacking the man behind me.

Once I was down, I couldn't get up. I was paralysed, and all I could do was hide my head with my arms and scream frantically for my friends in the hope that they would find me.

Then somebody stepped on me, and with a pained cry, my eyes flew open. I was in the middle of a particularly nasty four-man free-for-all. I crawled out on my hands and knees, and the first thing I saw when I emerged was a flash of red. It was Silver, on the ground, straddling a uniformed officer. He had one hand at the man's throat, holding him down, and the other curled into a fist that he was bring down again and again, harder and faster onto the man's face.

"Silver!" I choked out. "Silver, stop!"

Suddenly, two policemen appeared out of nowhere and seized Silver's arms, dragging him back and slamming him hard into the concrete ground. Then my view was blocked out by two grappling women, and all I could see was Silver's legs kicking as he was held down.

Ignoring my fear, I struggled to my feet and hurried over to him, keeping my head ducked and covered my my hands. By the time I got there, Silver had managed to break free from the man who was pinning him down, and was now struggling to fight off the other's officer's flailing bludgeon. He had blood trickling down his face, down his neck, over his clothes.

I couldn't think any more. I flew at the policeman, knocking him away. A hand grabbed my shirt and was yanked back. I gasped as Silver raised his fist to me.

"Wait! It's me!" I shouted desperately. The fist stopped mere inches from my face.

"What the hell?" Silver yelled. "Idiot! Get out of here!"

"Not without you," I said stonily. "I'm not leaving you, Silver."

I kept my eyes on him, staring him out. We stood there in the middle of the riot, completely still, as if an invisible barrier had suddenly enveloped us to protect us from the screams and flying fists.

Then Silver lowered his gaze and let his chin fall to his chest. It looked like he was going to give in, when suddenly the barrier broke and someone was sent crashing into us. Enraged, Silver whirled around. I grabbed his arm and ran.

...And hurtled straight into a crucifying punch aimed at my jaw.

Ice exploded in my head, and I dropped like a stone, clutching my face. When I lowered my hands, I found they were covered in blood. Silver kept trying to drag me to my feet, but all the strength had disappeared from my body, and I could only stare in horror at the blood that was dripping mercilessly onto my shirt. Then Silver let me go, and the next thing I knew I was face down on the ground, a hand pressing down on the back of my neck to keep my head down. My hands were forced together behind my back, and I didn't realise what was going on until I felt the handcuffs tightening around my wrists.

Everything got blurry after that. I was struggling to breathe with the blood that was clotting my nose. They wouldn't even let my tip my head back to stop the bleeding. I was bundled into a police van with a dozen other people and taken away.

It was only when we got to the police station and ushered into a one-person cell with ten other people that the gravity of the situation came crashing down on me. I had been arrested. I was a criminal. I was going to _prison._

I started to cry.

I wasn't the only one in tears. A girl at the very end of the cell was being comforted by what looked like her sister as she wept uncontrollably, and a woman who looked at least fifty was sniffing and dabbing at her sore eyes with a handkerchief. A few people were smoking, making the cell even stuffier, and I started to choke between my sobs.

The elderly man beside me gave me a packet of tissues to clean myself up. I mopped gingerly at my burning nose. The blood had dried and crusted to my upper lip on the drive to the station. I had to positively scrub to get it off, and by the time I had my nose was bleeding again. I pinched the bridge of my nose through the tissue and leaned my head back. I wondered how many other people they had arrested, and if Silver was among them. He had disappeared along with Crys and Yellow.

The door of the cell opened and three more people were herded in. The first two bowed their heads meekly and squeezed in wherever they could find a space. The third was swearing and throwing insults. He kicked the cell door when the police closed and locked it.

"Silver!" I cried, my face lighting up. I got up and threw my arms around him- but to my surprise, I was thrown violently back.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he snapped, glaring at me.

I was so shocked that I laughed. "S-Silver...?" I reached out to him again. He dodged and weaved around me, sitting down in the small space I left on the bench. I had no choice but to sit on the floor with the few other people who hadn't managed to find a seat. I looked hard at Silver, and he clenched his fists.

"What are you looking at?" he spat. I looked down at my lap at once. I didn't try to move him, but after a few minutes he got up anyway. He advanced on a man who was smoking opposite him.

"What've you got?" he asked gruffly.

"What?" The man looked up at him incredulously from where he sat.

"Money. Cigarettes. Now," Silver ordered, holding out his hand and clicking his fingers impatiently.

"You're joking, right?" the man said. But even I could see that Silver was deadly serious. "I don't have anything on me."

"Oh, and I suppose this just came out of nowhere?" Silver asked sceptically, snatching the cigarette from the man's lips and waving it in front of his face. He snorted and threw it, still lit, to the floor. A teenage girl who was kneeling there only just managed to scoot out of the way to stop herself being sprayed with hot ash. Silver leaned in closer to the man. "Don't give me that bullshit. Now, we can do this two ways. You can give me your wallet, or I'll give you a cracked skull. Now, what's it gonna be?"

I was staring, open-mouthed at what was unfolding before my eyes, and I wasn't the only one. Every occupant of the dingy white cell was watching in either horror or disbelief.

The man glanced from side to side, obviously looking for help. The audience averted their eyes, and the man took out his wallet and half-empty packet of cigarettes. Slowly, he handed them to Silver.

"That's more like it," Silver said, turning away and opening the wallet to inspect it's contents. I didn't understand it. Silver didn't even smoke!

"Hey!" A younger man at the far end of the cell stood up. "You can't do that!"

Silver looked up threateningly, and I saw the young man wavering. When it became clear that he wasn't going to back down, Silver stalked right up to him so that they were standing almost nose-to-nose. The man took a step back.

"You gonna stop me?" he hissed. The man didn't reply, and Silver smirked. He turned and looked around the full cell. "Any of you gonna stop me?" he asked loudly. Several people coughed, looked away, pretended not to notice. But not one person spoke up.

Silver nodded, laughing humourlessly to himself. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he said. "Because that's the way it is with you people, isn't it? You're all real happy to judge when you're in a big group and nobody's trying to stop you. But when it gets down to it, you can't do jack shit on your own. I've put up with the self-righteous hippy shit all day, and I'm not buying any of it. You're just a bunch of cowards and I'm willing to bet that none of you are gonna prove me wrong."

An unearthly silence followed. I couldn't believe it. Silver was being _horrible_. I had seen him angry before, but not like this. Never like this.

"Right then," Silver said. He raised his head and gave a satisfied nod before turning back to the man he had practically pinned against the wall. "What've you got?"

Silver sat back down in his space with two wallets, a packet of cigarettes and a mobile phone in hand. I don't think I could have said anything then even if I'd wanted to. My conscious was screaming at me to get out there and stand up to him, to make him return the things he stole. But the way Silver was acting was scary. It was like he didn't even know me. And I didn't know him.

Eventually, the silence was broken by a few sparse whispers, and gradually people started talking again. Nobody was sitting near Silver. Those who had been squashed up beside him had opted to sit on the floor instead, leaving him to play with a lighter he had taken form the smoker. One by one, he took the cigarettes out of their packet, lit them, let them burn for a while before snubbing them out on the bench beside him, leaving burn marks in the wood.

I crawled over the floor and pulled myself up onto the bench beside him. He didn't even look at me. I decided not to address his unexpectedly vicious behaviour just yet. I had more important things to worry about anyway.

"What's going to happen to us?" I whispered.

Silver lit another cigarette. "They got your name right? Well, they'll call your mom and she'll have to come here and pay bail for you to get out," he said, staring straight ahead. "Just because you were at the riot doesn't mean you were involved, and seeing as this is your first offence you'll probably get off easy."

"And what about you?" I asked. There was a pause. "Silver, what about you?"

Silver's hand turned into a fist around the lighted cigarette. I gasped, but he didn't even flinch. When he loosened his grip, I could see the smoke seeping out between his fingers. I looked at his face and saw he was biting his lip hard. So hard that he was drawing even more blood from the cut he had acquired there.

He wouldn't say any more, however much I coaxed. It was almost an hour before the police opened the cell door and let a few people out. The crying girl and her sister were among them- I saw them fall into the arms of their parents as they left the room. After that people were in and out, and slowly the population of the cell began to fall.

Then mine and Silver's names were called.

My heart started pounding. I was going to be sick. What would my mom say about me being arrested? I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the scolding of my life as I left the cell...

...Only to be greeted by the sheepish faces of Crystal and Eusine.

"We tried to find you," Crystal said quickly. "We really did, but then Yellow accidentally knocked a policeman out and wouldn't stop crying. We had to get her out of there, and I wanted to go back for you, but I didn't know where you were and-"

She was cut off as I flung my arms around her and practically lifted her off her feet in a tight hug.

"H-Hey, Gold," she giggled nervously, reaching up and patting me on the back. "It's okay."

It wasn't okay. I was confused and upset and relived all at once. My face was hurting and I wanted to go home. The tears in my eyes overflowed and spilled down my cheeks.

"Thank you," I sobbed. "I'll pay you back, I promise."

"Hey, hey!" Crystal pulled away and smiled gently at me. "You don't need to do that. Me, Yellow and Eusine all pitched in, so I'm not destitute yet!" She turned to Silver, who was hovering in the doorway, keeping his head down. I noticed he had left the things he had stole on the bench in the cell.

"You okay, Silver?" she asked.

Silver coughed. "Yeah," he muttered. Then he went quiet, shifting from foot to foot. Eusine took it upon himself to break the awkward atmosphere.

"There's nothing like getting arrested after a botched protest!" he said cheerfully. "I remember my first time. Not something I'd care to repeat! But it's one of those things you just have to do."

Crystal frowned. "You're making me wish I got arrested too. If I'd known getting out was this easy, I'd have smacked that guy who pushed me over when the whole mess started." She turned back to me. "Seriously though, you two should get home. Have a shower! You look terrible."

I smiled sheepishly. I hadn't thought about how my face must have looked. Looking at Silver, his skin was barely visible beneath all the blood and bruises.

We all left together, and before we went our separate ways I hugged Crystal again. Silver kept his eyes glued to the floor. I didn't know what to do about him; I was still in shock. I had seen a side of him that I had never known existed and never hoped to exist.

"We'll see you later," Crystal smiled, putting her hand in Eusine's and waving goodbye.

I smiled back, and Silver cleared his throat. "Yeah, uh, thanks," he muttered. Then he turned and stormed off down the street. "Hey fatass, you coming or not?" he yelled.

I smiled embarrassedly at Crystal and Eusine before heading after Silver.

I didn't run.

I wouldn't have known what to say if I caught him.

–

**Well, I _did_ promise an action scene!**

**My terrible jokes aside, I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I got to show a much darker side to Silver that I haven't really had the chance to show before. I was planning on explaining his behaviour this chapter, but I thought it was getting too long, and that the explanation would fit better in Silver's POV anyway. For now, I'll just leave you to wonder about Silver's irrational hatred of the police and his sudden actions while at the station!**

**I'll admit I know nothing of police procedure... But I've heard from several sources that they don't tend to charge people after riots. Because of the sheer scale and chaos of the situation, it's often easier to let the people go as soon as they've calmed down. I'm not even sure that they need bail...**

**I'm happy I got to add Yellow to this chapter. Though she is a very minor character, I've developed quite a liking for her. Though she is tiny, I imagine her as the strongest character in the story... Unexplainable strength for-the-win! I could totally see her accidentally breaking somebody's arm during an arm wrestle... and then wondering if she won or not.**

**Next chapter I'm expecting Gold to have a thing or two to say about Silver's behaviour in the prison cell... I'm definitely looking forward to that! Oh, and I've been listening to this song a lot:**

**http: (slashslash) www (dot) youtube (dot) com (slash) watch?v=zskw3mCQFL4**

**Kind of speaks for itself really, especially as it's sung by a man... Well, I just like that song and wanted to share it! Though I know it's not to everybody's tastes.**

**I'm quite proud of this chapter, seeing as it's the first action scene I've really written in this story. I hope I'll be able to follow it up well with the next chapter!**


	26. Love and the Past

Gold and I arrived back at our apartment in silence. As I unlocked the door, I braced myself for one hell of a telling-off. I was actually surprised that the emotional floodgates hadn't opened earlier, with the way I had acted at the police station. Of course, Gold was surprised at my behaviour. It just went to show, really, how little he knew about me.

After a few moments struggling with the lock, I got the door open. Gold swept past me right away, heading for the bathroom. I supposed he wanted to see how he looked. Hearing him gasp, I expected more tears, but he stayed deathly quiet. As he showered, I made myself a mug of camomile tea. I couldn't use my left hand, burned raw from the cigarette I had crushed. It didn't matter. I already had plenty of cigarette burns, what harm would one more do?

Gold emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his head. His face looked a lot better without the blood, though his nose was red and one cheek was a little swollen. He nodded at me.

"You might want to use the bathroom," he said quietly, and I dragged myself out of the kitchen telling myself that I was going to clean myself up because I wanted to and not because Gold had told me.

I was taken aback by my reflection. It was like I had suddenly been whisked back to a time when I would end up bloodied and beaten every other week. My hair was sticking to my forehead with blood and dirt. I peeled it back, flinching as the black scabs were torn away from my forehead, letting fresh red blood trickle down the side of my nose and over my swollen eyelid. I cleaned myself up quickly. I knew exactly what to do to get the swelling to go down and the blood to stop pouring- I had done it all before.

The blood had slid down my neck and stained my shirt around the top, but I couldn't be bothered to change it. I just dabbed at it a bit with some toilet roll. Then I wrapped the paper around my hands. I must have hit a little too long or too hard, because the skin on my knuckles had split.

I headed back into the kitchen. Gold was sat at the table, head bowed. He had the packet of butter and the bag of caster sugar open in front if him, and he was dabbing his forefinger on the butter, putting it in the sugar, then licking it off. I let him dip and lick for a while as I reheated my mug of tea in the microwave.

"You shouldn't do that," I said, nodding at him. "It's fucking gross."

Gold didn't look at me. "It's fine," he murmured. He scooped a little bit of butter up on the tip of his finger and sucked it off without even touching the sugar. He kept his head down, but I saw his shoulders begin to shake. A tear fell from his face and plopped onto the table in front of him.

Sighing, I headed over to him. "Hey," I muttered, giving him a little push. "What's wrong?" As if I even had to ask.

"Nothing," he said. Then he rubbed his face in his hands. "Everything." He turned to me. "Why did you do that?"

I took a deep breath. I had been waiting for this. "I don't know what you mean," I mumbled, playing dumb for no reason other than to stall for time.

"The rally. The cops. The fight..." Gold shook his head. "And those _people_, you... Why did you treat them like that? They didn't do anything to you!"

"Yeah, I know," I said.

"So _why,_ Silver?" Gold asked. I couldn't bear how he was looking at me. He was still trying to understand me, even after all I'd done. Just for once, I wished he could hate me.

"We were in _jail, _Gold," I said pointedly. "You don't get a second chance at a first impression."

"What are you talking about?"

I took a deep breath. I could feel my patience slipping away. Maybe I owed him an explanation, but I didn't want to give it. "What I'm saying is that in a place like that, people... do things that they wouldn't usually do."

"No, Silver, not like that, not in there," Gold said, raising his voice. He got to his feet. "Not in there with those people who only wanted to do something for the environment. They were with _Greenpeace, _for God's sake!"

I was trying to keep my cool, but it was very difficult to do so when he was shouting at me. "You wouldn't understand. Did you see yourself in there? Crying your eyes out. You'd better be fucking grateful Crystal showed up when she did, because you wouldn't last one day in there!"

"Don't make this about me!" Gold was babbling now, his words tripping over each other to leave his mouth. "This is about you and how you treated those people. Did you think it was smart? Did it make you feel tough to know you could scare an old man into giving you his money?"

That wasn't fair. He wasn't being fair. It wasn't like that.

"You don't know anything!" I snapped. I turned my back on him and stormed out of the kitchen. "I'm not listening to this."

He followed me, stumbling over his own feet. "Don't do this," he said breathlessly. "You _always_ do this. I try to understand you and you just close up and won't talk. It's like- it's like you don't even care! _Silver!"_ He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me round to face him. I snapped, whirled around and seized hold of him by the shoulders.

"_What?"_ I shouted in his face. I shook him hard, and he cried out in protest. I didn't let go, though my fingers were biting hard into his flesh."Give it a rest with all this high-and-mighty crap. I know you think I'm the bad guy here, but you don't know what it's like in there. You have _no_ _fucking idea!"_

Gold struggled and tried to pull away. He glared at me accusingly. "You can't say that; you don't know what it's like either."

"I know exactly what it's like," I hissed. My grip tightened on his upper arms, and he stopped squirming and stared at me, shocked. I didn't care. "I know _exactly_ what it's like to get banged up in some cheap-ass prison with a load of thieves and junkies. I know _exactly_ what it's like to be stripped naked in front of a dozen people and made to squat three times and cough. I know exactly what it's like to spend five months in a cell with a manic depressant who doesn't know how to use a toilet! And I know what it's like to shoot up every other day to handle it all. So don't you tell me I don't know what it's like!"

Gold tried to pull back out of my grip, and I shoved him away at the same time. I must have shoved harder than I thought, because his back was slammed into the living room door behind him. His hip struck the door handle hard, and he yelped in pain. Steadying himself, he raised his shirt and twisted around to examine himself. The force of the blow had broken the skin on his back, and already a bruise was forming.

I took a step back, swallowing. I hadn't meant to do that. I hadn't meant to hurt him. I looked away, ashamed, my anger disappearing so fast that I knew it hadn't been real in the first place.

Gold looked up at me. He had tears in his eyes, but he refused to blink and let them fall. He swept past me without a word, heading for the bedroom. I stayed where I was, my eyes glued to the floor. I didn't know what to say. It seemed like forever since I had lost it like that.

"I love you, Silver," Gold said suddenly, his voice thick with tears. "But sometimes, I wish I didn't."

I turned to look at him. "What are you saying?" I asked quietly.

"I'm saying-" Gold sighed. He wasn't looking at me. "-I'm saying I don't know if I can take this much longer... And maybe you should sleep on the sofa tonight."

I stood there, speechless, as he disappeared into the bedroom. It was only when the door closed and let out a click of finality that I found my voice.

"Fine then!" I yelled after him. "You think I care?"

I stormed into the bathroom and ran the cold tap over my head, washing away the blood and the dirt, the anger and the pain. When I looked up at my face in the mirror- my hair plastered to my scalp, droplets of water trickling down my face, my eyes glinting furiously- for one split second I didn't see myself.

I saw my father staring back at me.

–

The couch didn't exactly make a comfortable bed, but I still woke up after Gold. He was in the kitchen, picking miserably at the crusts of his toast. I rubbed my aching neck and set about making myself a coffee. I wasn't hungry enough for cereal.

I didn't know whether to stay in the kitchen to drink or to go back into the living room. It felt very awkward being so close to Gold and yet having absolutely nothing to say.

Gold coughed and looked up at me hopefully. "Y-You want to sit down?" he asked.

Swallowing, I took a seat opposite him, focusing very hard on my mug of coffee.

"What you said yesterday," Gold piped up, "about being in prison. Was it true?"

I paused, then decided there was no point in trying to hide it now. "Yeah," I said. "It was true."

I heard Gold take a deep breath. "Do you... want to talk about it?"

"No." What was there to say? I had been in prison, that was all Gold needed to know. I didn't want to go into detail. I didn't want to tell him that less than a week after he had kissed me for the first time, I got into a fight and ended up beating two men unconscious with a metal pipe, then carried on kicking them while they were down. I hadn't started the fight but I had finished it. My lawyer pleaded Justified Self-Defence in the hope I would get off with just a fine and an anger management class to attend, but I wasn't so lucky.

When I was fourteen I had broken into a car and stole a CD player, just for the hell of it. Because of my age, I got away with only a few weeks in a young offenders institute. As my luck would have it, I got the same judge twice, and even though I was only sixteen at the time, they decided to try me as an adult because of my past offences. I went in for six months in prison for violent behaviour, and got out in five.

It wasn't the easiest time of my life, to say the least.

Those first few weeks, I don't think I got any sleep at all. I would just lie wide awake in my bunk, listening to the echoing poorly concealed whispers and occasional shouts of the restless inmates. That first night I heard a grown man crying for his mother. It was about then that reality began to sink in and I realised that this cold, cruel place was my new home.

It was a home in which you had to be tough or die. There were gangs scattered all over the place, but when it came down to it, it was every man for himself. Because of my age, they thought I'd be easy to cut down to size, but I soon made it clear that I wasn't as weak as they'd have me be. I was always mouthing off, and in a place where everyone wanted to be respected and feared, it didn't score me any points. They called me 'Princess' because of my hair, and liked to stub out their cigarettes on my back. The first week, trying to make me cry became like a sport to them.

That was until Toby, a mountain of a man in for attempted rape and murder, decided he liked me and took me under his wing. I hated him but I wasn't stupid. I needed to be part of a gang to survive, and Toby's was as good as any. He liked me to sit next to him so he could tell me stories.

"We had a kid like you in a while back," he would tell me. "Scrawny thing, didn't know when to shut up. I took him in the showers round the corner. Got him on his knees and shoved my cock down his throat. You should have heard the screaming. I fucked him hoarse."

I never really believed his stories. We all had to shower together, but I never saw anyone being molested, and nobody tried anything on me either. Sometimes, if I got into trouble, Toby would square up to me and say, "Don't get too cocky, kid. You don't want to get raped, do you?" He would laugh his ass off when I told him vehemently that I wasn't a woman, and would ruffle my hair and tell me I was lucky I was so goddamn ugly.

It was Toby who got me into drugs. I'd had a rough day- two guys had crept up behind me while I was shaving and forced my head into the sink, which was full of water, half-drowning me; and later they had targeted me again and I'd had to fight them off with nothing but a French dictionary and a toothbrush. We were in the yard and Toby offered me a cigarette. I thought it was just tobacco, and though I didn't smoke, I knew how important image was and took it anyway. From the first puff I knew it wasn't an ordinary cigarette. It made everything hazy and light, and suddenly I didn't care that I was in prison. It felt good, being able to forget. I started taking heroin whenever I could- and in Toby's gang, that was often. I smoked it usually, disguising it as tobacco best I could, but when I couldn't get a roll I would have to snort it, which wasn't exactly comfortable. I used a syringe once or twice. I never washed it first. I was usually too high by then to care.

It made things even more difficult for me when I got out. I had spent five months with the very lowest forms of human beings, and slowly I had become like them. It took me weeks to get out of the habit of carrying make makeshift razor-blade-attached-to-a-toothbrush knife in my back pocket, and even longer for the cravings to stop. I couldn't get heroin on the streets. I didn't want to get arrested again.

It was getting out of jail that made me go back to Gold. After his forceful confession, I had never wanted to see him again, to deal with the unnecessary feelings he caused me. But when I left prison, I realised I had nowhere to go. I needed somebody to turn to, somebody to keep me back on the straight and narrow. And pathetic though it was, Gold was the only person I had.

He never questioned where I had been for those five months. I supposed he just assumed that I was angry and didn't want to see him. I did my best to hide my scars and shaking hands, and he never wondered why I spent months chewing gum obsessively. Eventually I reached the point where I could make it on my own again. Except I didn't.

Gold cleared his throat and looked down at his lap. "I just wanted to say... it doesn't change anything," he told me. "I-I mean, it doesn't change how I feel. A-About you. Y'know?"

I nodded and took a gulp of my coffee, outwardly nonchalant, inwardly grateful. Though I couldn't help thinking that he wouldn't be so accepting if he'd known what I'd done in there.

"Hey." I spoke up suddenly, surprising even myself. Gold looked up at me questioningly and I looked away. "You know... Yesterday... You know I didn't mean to hurt you, right?"

He smiled sadly in reply. "Yeah Silver," he said. "I know."

He didn't kiss me before he set off for work, not that I was expecting him to after what had happened yesterday. His words were still ringing in my ears, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't block them out.

_I love you, Silver._

_But sometimes I wish I didn't._

–

The day dragged by. Work was business-as-usual, and I wasn't sure I was ready to face Gold again. I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard him arrive home, swinging the door open so roughly that it banged against the wall.

Getting up, I was all set to march out to check the wallpaper and tell off Gold about being so clumsy- but Gold whisked past me before I could even reach the living room door. He grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch and quickly shrugged it on, barely acknowledging my presence as he started searching for the spare set of keys.

I watched him in silence, then froze as I heard a voice that was cruelly familiar.

"Come on Gold, what are you doing?"

"I'm coming!" Gold called, discovering the keys on top of the TV and pocketing them. He turned towards the door, all set to go. And he hadn't even looked at me.

"Hey," I said quietly. He looked surprised when he turned his head to face me- like he had forgotten all about me. I swallowed. "Where are you going?"

He hesitated, looking impatiently towards the door. "Crystal's place" he said. "Her parents are out, so she wanted some company."

My heart started pounding; I could hear my blood roaring in my ears. Gold went to leave, but I shot over and blocked the doorway with my arm. "No, you're not," I said.

And he laughed. _Laughed._ "Yes, I am," he said flippantly. "Don't worry, I'll only be a few hours."

I stepped fully in front of the door. "I won't let you."

His expression hardened at once as he saw I was serious. "You can't stop me," he said. He was being careful to keep his voice down, all too aware of Crystal loitering outside. He tried to push past me, but I wouldn't let him.

"You're staying here," I told him firmly, my calm voice conveying none of the panic that was building up inside me.

Gold looked up at me, eyes narrowed, staring me out. He took a step back. "Okay then, Silver," he said. "What are you going to do? Lock me in? Throw Crys out? Or maybe you'd rather just throw me into the wall."

That was a low blow, and it hurt. It hurt so much that I no longer could summon the will to stop him leaving. My mouth opened and closed ineffectually for a moment as I struggled to find an insult to throw back at him, but I couldn't find one. Instead, the arm that I held across the door frame fell to my side, and I stepped away from his path, keeping my eyes firmly on the ground.

"I-I didn't mean that." Gold sounded panicked as he tried to touch my shoulder. I shrugged him off angrily.

"Just go," I said sharply. I had a strange burning sensation in my throat, my eyes were hurting and I didn't want him to see.

"Well I can't now, can I?" Gold said, his voice cracking. Crystal called out to him again, and his buried his face in his hands. "Silver, I'm sorry, but I have to go... Crystal's... Silver? I'm sorry, Silver-"

"Just get out," I snapped. "You fat fuck, I wouldn't care if you never came back!"

I knew I was just being cruel fro the sake of being cruel. He had hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him in the same way. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it.

"_Gold!_ This century, please?" Crystal was getting impatient.

"Yeah," Gold said loudly, never once taking his eyes off me. "I'm coming."

He swept past me and into the hallway. I heard Crystal making a remark about how long he took before taking off down the corridor, her hiking boots thudding on the tiled floor. Gold laughed and called out to her to wait as he struggled to put his trainers on.

I couldn't stand how happy and at ease he sounded. I followed him into the hallway, watching as he laced up his trainers and prepared to leave.

"Gold," I said suddenly. He looked over at me, and a long, uncomfortable silence followed. I bit my tongue and looked down at the floor. "...Please."

I heard the door close. When I looked up, Gold was gone. And I was alone.

I sloped into the bedroom, waiting for everything to sink in. Gold had gone. He had chosen Crystal over me- and who could blame him. In less than an hour, they'd be at her house. In her room. Alone.

I didn't want to think about what they could be doing.

Slowly, I lowered myself down onto the bed and started playing with the hem of my shirt. Then I laid down on my side. It was barely seven o'clock and I wasn't tired, but I wasn't feeling good at all. My stomach was twisting painfully and there was a horrible, constant ache inside me that I couldn't quite place.

Shuffling further up on the bed, I took the pillow and laid it beside me. Closing my eyes, it almost felt like Gold was there next to me, and not out with Crystal. I wrapped my arms around the pillow and hugged it tight. It wasn't fair.

I lay there brooding over how unfair the whole situation was for some time, hating everything and everyone.

I hated Gold for making me feel this way. I hated Crystal for being so perfect for him. I hated Blue for trying to understand when she didn't understand a thing, and I hated Green for rubbing salt in the wounds. But mostly I hated myself.

I fell asleep with the pillow in my arms, and when I woke up to the sound of the door being unlocked, I was still holding it.

Light was filtering in through the windows, and for one terrifying moment I thought Gold had been with Crystal all night, which could mean only one thing. But then I glanced down at my watch and saw it was barely past eight PM.

I heard footsteps padding down the hallway, and I turned to face the wall, taking the pillow with me as I forgot to let it go. The door creaked as it opened.

"Silver?" Gold sounded meek, almost frightened. "I'm back."

I didn't reply. Just carried on staring at the wall.

"...Do you want me to sleep in the living room tonight?" he asked. My arms tightened around the pillow, but I didn't say a word. I didn't want him to sleep in living room. But I didn't want him to touch me with those same hands that had probably been touching Crystal not an hour before. I didn't want him kissing me and pretending I was her.

The door clicked shut and Gold tiptoed away. Seconds later I heard him opening the fridge. I took a deep breath and clung to the pillow, burying my face in it.

It didn't matter what I did any more. We were finished.

–

**I really enjoyed writing this chapter, especially the part about Silver doing time in prison. Thankfully, I have a friend who studies law and another who saw a documentary on prison life, so I got an fairly clear picture of the situation. Silver's sentence seemed pretty lenient didn't it? But courts tend to be less harsh over here (England).**

**I'm also glad I could expand more on Silver's past and family issues (and on Gold's little eating problem, heh heh!). I do plan to clear up the vagueness surrounding Giovanni and Silver's mother- maybe in the next 'Silver' chapter?**

**I'm sorry for the rather downward turn this story is taking. There's not much room for humour now that their relationship has entered the danger zone... Maybe it's time for some more Green?**


	27. Love and Meaning

It had been three days, and Silver and I still weren't talking. I don't think it was because we didn't want to, or because we were angry or being stubborn. It was just that we were scared. Both of us. I didn't dare speak up in case I said the wrong things and everything fell to pieces. It seemed that our relationship had been getting weaker and weaker lately, and one more conflict, one wrong word and it would shatter. I wasn't sure whether I should approach him again about his time in prison. I had the nagging feeling that I should reassure him that it really didn't have any bearing on how I felt about him, but with our serious communication breakdown, I hadn't been able to find the right moment to bring it up.

It wasn't meant to be like this. A few months ago, I was certain that we had done it, that we had finally reached the point where we were comfortable with each other and were ready to move forwards. Now I wasn't so sure. Silver was so distant, and the more I tried to fix the problem, the worse it got, and now I was just running away. I was using Crystal as an escape and though I knew it couldn't carry on like this, I couldn't stop.

The kitchen seemed much too quiet as we had breakfast- together, for once. The clatter of spoons on cereal bowls was deafening. I risked a glance at Silver- his head was bowed. He looked as awkward as I felt. I knew we couldn't go on this way, but living so close to each other, without any chance to clear our heads and think made it near impossible to change. Things _could_ get better, I realised. Just not like this.

With a sigh, I plopped my spoon back into the bowl. "Maybe I should move out."

I looked up at Silver, waiting for a reaction. He looked like he was suddenly having trouble swallowing. It was a long time before he said anything, and when he did I almost fell off my seat.

"Y... You don't have to."

I hadn't expected that. I'd expected something along the lines of 'I didn't want you here anyway' or at least a brisk 'fine' or 'whatever'. But 'you don't have to'? I didn't know what to think. It was like Silver was, in his own way, asking me not to go.

That really didn't make things any easier for me.

Getting to my feet, I picked up my bowl and walked to the sink. "I really think I should move out," I said quietly, then yelped in surprise as my arm was seized and I was swept around. My cry was stopped by Silver's lips crushing against mine with as little grace as the last time.

Silver wasn't a good kisser by any standards, but feeling his mouth against mine and knowing that he wanted me was the best feeling in the world, and I wanted nothing more than to give in and deepen the kiss. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't let myself lose, not this time.

I pushed him away as hard as I could. His eyes widened and he squeezed his lips together so tightly that his mouth became a thin white line. For a moment he looked like he was going to cry. It almost broke my heart. But he quickly turned cold again.

"If you're ditching me, why don't you just say so?" he said accusingly. My mouth fell open in shock.

"_No!_ I-I'm not ditching you, I just..." I sighed and reached up to cup his face in my hands and stop him from looking away. "I still want to be with you, just not like this. I think... maybe we need a break from each other and... A-Are you okay?"

Silver snatched my hands away from his face and quickly turned away. "I'm fine," he snapped. "Go ahead, move out. See if I ca-" His voice caught in his throat and he shut up quick. The silence took over once again, and all that could be heard was Silver's loud, focused breathing- in, out, in out. His shoulders were trembling. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave, and he was making it so difficult.

I crept up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing the side of my face- the side without the bruise- to his back. "I love you, you know," I said. He didn't respond, and I let go and weaved around him so that we were face-to-face. "Silver, listen to me. I love you."

He didn't look at me, but he nodded, and that was something. I decided to take a chance. "Do you... love me too?"

If he had replied, if he had said even a simple 'yes', then maybe I would have changed my mind about moving out. But of course, he didn't reply, and for once I was grateful for his silence. It made things so much easier.

After work, I packed my things into the suitcase that I'd hoped I'd never have to use again. Silver watched me for a while as I sorted everything out, then stalked off into the living room and switched on the TV. I had a little cry then, sitting on the floor surrounded by shirts and socks. It wasn't much- just a few tears- and didn't last long. It was for the best, after all. We could work out our differences and I could keep on working at the cafe, if I took the train. It would all be okay in the end.

When I'd finished packing, I pushed my suitcase behind the door where I could forget about it until the weekend. Then I shuffled meekly into the living room, fully expecting Silver to be in a foul mood and all set to take it out on me.

But instead, he was sat on the sofa, leaning forward with his elbows leaning on his knees and his face buried in his hands. Like he was in despair. It was so scary seeing him like that, and I cleared my throat to let him know I was watching so he would stop. He jumped, glared at me and sat back in his seat.

I settled down beside him and tried to watch the television. It was showing some gruesome crime drama with lots of blood and screaming. I decided I didn't much like seeing a bound, crying little girl being having her fingers hacked off, and switched the thing off via the remote. Silver didn't protest. I don't think he was even watching it.

"Silver..." I turned to him, desperation apparent in my voice. He didn't respond, and just kept on staring straight ahead. Sighing, I sidled closer to him and rested my hand on his knee. His eyes flickered down for a second before snapping back forward.

Not giving up on a reaction, I slid my hand up his thigh. He inhaled sharply, reached down and brushed my hand away. Shifting up onto my knees and facing him properly, I reached out and touched his cheek. His tried to whip his head away, but I caught his chin and made him face me. Then I kissed him.

He backed away immediately, but I pushed forward as he did, and we ended up half-lying on the sofa, with me against his chest. He looked down at me. There was no anger or resentment in his stare, and that frightened me.

"No," he said quietly. "Not now."

I frowned up at his face. He looked terrible. His jawline and one side of his face was mottled red and blue with bruises that showed no sign of fading, and he had a deep gash running across one side of his forehead, black with dried blood. He refused to go to the hospital to get it checked out, no matter how much I stressed that he might need stitches. Under his injuries, his skin was deathly pale, even whiter than usual. Except around his eyes, which had dark grey circles forming around them, making him look like some sort of skinny, hairless panda. It looked like he'd been losing sleep.

With trembling fingers, I reached out and gently touched a purple bruise that stained his cheek. He winced, but didn't force me back. Shuffling so that I was leaning against his chest with my arms, I raised my other hand to his other cheek and let my fingers explore his face, softly stroking over his jaw, his cheekbones, his forehead. I brushed my thumbs under his tired eyes, closing them, then gently slid my index finger over his left eyelid, the one that was still a little swollen.

I pulled back for a moment to look at his whole face. His eyes were still closed and he was taking long, shaky breaths. Slowly, my lips replaced my fingertips on his cheek. He gasped at first, and raised his hands to grab my upper arms. Scared he was going to push me away, I moved my lips back to his mouth and kissed him urgently, taking advantage of his parted lips and slipping my tongue in.

His hands left my arms, and my panic left me and our kiss turned gentler. After a bit of coaxing, Silver began to kiss me back. I was aware of his hands hovering over my back as he struggled to decide whether to touch me or not. I reached back, grabbed his hands and placed them down on my hips. Then, before he could move them away, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled the both of us around so that he was on top of me.

I broke the kiss and tipped my head to one side, and a pause followed. Silver took it the wrong way and tried to pull back and move his hands, but I stopped him. Taking a firm hold on his left wrist, I kept full eye contact as I slid his hand down my body to grip my inner thigh. Then I hooked my free hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down so that his face was mere centimetres from mine.

It took a while for him to take the hint and bridge the gap between us with an awkward kiss aimed wrongly so that it landed at the corner of my mouth instead of on my lips. I closed my eyes and let my head tip back as Silver planted hesitant kisses over my jaw and down my neck, making my skin tingle and burn wherever his lips touched.

I moved my hands from his back and slid them up his shirt, stroking over his enviably flat stomach and up to his chest. He flinched and his hands tightened on me as my fingers brushed a nipple. It felt so good to have him touch me that I took hold of it between my thumb and forefinger and pinched lightly, wanting him to squeeze me again. But he withdrew with a gasp, sitting up and folding his arms protectively over his chest, rubbing the palm of his hand over his perked nipple.

Using my elbows to prop myself up, I looked at him nervously. He was still on top of me, his legs straddling either side of my hips. But he was shrinking into himself, closing up like an umbrella.

I sat up and reached out to him. He flinched away and I inwardly cringed. I had pushed things too far. I'd frightened him.

He leaped off me and stumbled into the middle of the room, ducking his head and hiding his face in his hands.

I swung my legs around so I was sitting properly on the sofa. He whipped around suddenly to face me.

"You're still going to leave," he stated quietly.

I swallowed. "Yeah," I said hoarsely. "I am."

He heaved a sigh and dragged himself over across the room to lean his forehead against the wall. "Then... that didn't mean anything," he whispered and I let out a cry of frustration.

"God, Silver! Of course it meant something!" I said. "Don't be like this; please. Do you want me to stay? Because I will if that's what you want."

He glared at me. "No way," he hissed. "You're not going to mess me around like this, playing me like a fucking violin. You can get the hell out and leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Just..." He looked away and took a deep breath before continuing. "Is this a game to you? You think this is _funny?_ I'm not your toy."

I gaped at him. "That's not how it is at all!" I cried. "I love you, that's why I want to do this with you. Is that so hard to understand? I love you Silver!"

"Well you've got a funny way of showing it," he spat. This was so horribly unfair that I couldn't stand it. _I_ wasn't the one holding back and running away and using love as a way of gaining power. I wasn't the one kissing and touching one minute then pulling back and yelling the next. If anyone was playing games, it certainly wasn't me.

"You always do this!" I yelled, getting up and storming out, slamming the door behind me, my head buzzing with everything that I wanted to say but daren't.

We slept together that night, on the sofa under a blanket. There was more kissing and a little more touching, but it wasn't passionate and meaningful any more. It was just a pleasant distraction.

–

**Sorry about the shortness of this chapter. To make up for it, I promise the next chapter will be extra action-filled!**

**We haven't had any proper kissing scenes for a while, so I'm glad I got to include one this chapter. And reluctant-dominant!Silver! Gold has fantasized about Silver being more aggressive before, so I really liked the idea of him trying to bring out Silv's sexually dominant side... mainly by being so stubbornly submissive that he has no choice but to take control!**

**There's been a big development this chapter in relation to Gold moving out (we all know what Silver's thinking the reason for it is!) but will he really leave? Heheh, I'm not going to spoil things for you!**

**Anyway, I'd like to share with you another piece of fanart that I got for this story:**

**http: (slashslash) mudonite (dot) deviantart (dot) com (slash) art (slash) GET-OUT-GET-OOOUUUUT-164136833 **

**I'm honestly amazed with the amount of fanart I've received in relation to 'Leaps and Bounds' (have I said this before?). Of course, I'm also immensely pleased! Those people who complain that drawing things derived from other people's work is 'disrespectful' to the creator has obviously never experienced it!**


	28. Love and Decision

I'll admit, I went too far. Kissing Gold like that, just after he'd told me he was leaving me- for Crystal, no doubt. I hadn't been myself lately. I hadn't been thinking straight. Early in the morning, as Gold was leaving for work, I had to bite the insides of my cheeks raw to stop me yelling after him, begging him not to go to work, to _her._ Why did he want to be with her anyway? Hadn't I showed him I could match her? I could hold his hand, I could _kiss_ him. He didn't have to leave.

I sighed and let my chin fall to my chest. Maybe what Gold wanted was more than just a few poorly-timed kisses. I'd known him for eight years; long enough to know he was different from me. I'd learned to ignore certain urges years ago, thinking them weak and self-indulgent, and I only ever touched myself when it was absolutely necessary. Gold hadn't suffered from such a frame of mind, and now we had reached the age where we were meant to be most sexually active, he was bound to want some form of sexual release.

I wondered if I should have sex with him. Just once. It couldn't be so difficult. All I had to do was switch off the lights, lie down and let him...

I shook my head violently as I entered the Goldenrod Department Store. What was I _thinking?_ I'd already made it clear to Green that I wasn't going to sleep with Gold just to keep him, and I wasn't planning on going back on my word.

Blue smiled obliviously at me when she saw me approaching. To my great dismay, she was engrossed in a conversation with the Magnificent Bastard himself, Green.

"Well hello, Little Miss Sunshine!" he greeted loudly. "What's with the long face?"

I ignored him and fished the book Blue had lent me out of my jacket. "Here," I muttered, handing it back to her roughly. She raised her eyebrows and took it.

"Did you like it?" she asked.

I pulled a face. "No," I snorted. In truth, I hadn't finished it. It had gotten to the point where it was just embarrassing to read. It was too girly, too fluffy, too weak and gushing.

Blue shrugged and started the skim through it. Green grinned and leaned in, reading over her shoulder. He widened his eyes dramatically. "You read this stuff often, Ginge?"

I felt my face turn red. "What do you think?" I snapped.

"Oh, you don't want to know what _I_ think," Green teased. "I was considering giving up on you, but now..." He reached out to touch my cheek, and I ducked under his arm and started unlocking the gate to behind the counter.

"Not going to happen. Not ever," I said stonily, and he burst out laughing.

"You thought I was serious!" he said. I glared at him, and he smiled sweetly back at me. "Aww, did I disappoint you?"

"You wish," I snarled. "I wouldn't waste my time on you."

"What, you're saying you want your first time to be 'special'?" Green asking, cocking an eyebrow. "That's so cute!"

"Fuck off and die, Green," I snapped, feeling the burning sensation in my face reach my ears.

"Hey, hey!" Blue cried, holding her hands up between Green and I. "Can't you two at least _try_ to get along? Silver, I've told you a million times, you can't swear like that at work. And Green, I know it'll be difficult for you, but- stop being such a jerk!"

Green clasped his chest. "It hurts to hear you say that, babe," he said, gazing at her forlornly. She frowned back- for about a second, before starting to giggle.

"On your bike, Green!" she said, swiping at him. "Go on, get lost, before Sarah finds you here."

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," Green quoted dramatically as he dragged himself away. He blew a kiss aimed at Blue before heading up the stairs. She shook her head, sighing.

"That idiot! Hey Silver, is the till full? We're opening in fifteen minutes, and I don't want a repeat of yesterday."

"Yeah, it's fine," I muttered, and she rolled her eyes.

"You didn't even check!" she said, pushing past me and entering the key number into the till. "You've been acting weird lately- well, weird_er_. You've barely said a word to me. Has something happened? Aside from the obvious?" She raised her eyebrows at my bruised face.

I shook my head. "It's nothing," I told her, sweeping my hair back and securing it with an elastic band. I was pleased to see that it was finally long enough to fit in a ponytail again. "She's leaving me."

"Oh," Blue said, nodding absent-mindedly. Then she looked at me with a start. "_What?_ Who is?"

"My girlfriend," I said blandly, not looking at her. "She's found someone else."

Blue crept up beside me and put her hand on my shoulder. I didn't have the strength to shrug her off. "Are you sure?" she asked quietly.

"She didn't say it like that- said something about having some time to ourselves- but that's what it is. I know it," I said.

Blue took a deep breath. "You don't know that. It _could_ just be that she needs a break..."

I couldn't stand her trying to make me feel better. I didn't need her pity. "Shut up, Blue," I snapped, and she took a step back, shocked. I was shocked too. I'd known Blue for a long time, and not once had I ever raised my voice at her.

"You don't understand anything. It's been going on for _months_. She's always making excuses to go out. S-she doesn't want to be with me. The other I-I asked her to stay and he didn't. He went off with her. A-And I know I should leave him, but I can't, and he's making a fool of me and I don't know what to do!" I clamped my hands over my mouth before I could say any more. My voice had been getting louder and higher, and if I had carried on, I was sure I would have lost it.

Blue looked at me sadly. "Silver," she said hesitantly. "Why don't you just... tell Gold you love him?"

I froze. I turned my eyes to her, horrified, and she bit her lip.

"It is Gold, isn't it? _Please_ tell me I haven't been wrong all this time."

I was going to deny it, but I figured my expression had already given me away. I looked around before turned back to her and saying in a hushed voice, "How long have you known?"

"I had a hunch," she admitted sheepishly. "I mean, he's the only person I ever really see you with; he's short with black hair, like you said your girlfriend was; and the way you flip whenever Green called you gay was pretty suspicious, if you don't mind me saying. And... you did say 'he' just then." She licked her lips nervously before continuing. "You didn't seem all that thrilled to see Crystal when she came here a while ago. Gold works with Crystal, right? Is she... the person Gold is leaving you for?"

I lowered my eyes, my face burning with shame and humiliation. I should never have shared the contents of my love-life with Blue. If she knew, how many other people did? It suddenly felt like everyone in the city was laughing at me.

"Yeah, she is," I muttered. I was hit with the urge to redeem myself somehow. It was different now we were talking about Gold and Crystal, and not my imaginary representations of them. I was really the loser in the love triangle, and no matter how true that was I didn't want Blue or anyone else to know that. I turned my back on her. "Whatever. I don't care. He can do whatever he wants."

"Silver!" Blue sighed loudly. "You always do this. You pretend you don't care when it's so obvious you do. Just tell him you love him. What have you got to lose?"

Only my pride, dignity and everything else.

"You _do_ love him, don't you?" Blue asked uncertainly.

I didn't know how to answer that, so I just hung my head and said nothing. Blue groaned.

"Oh God, Silver," she murmured, shaking her head at me. "Why can't you just say it? Haven't you even _considered_ that you might be hurting Gold by holding yourself back like this?"

"You wouldn't understand." I sounded horribly childish and sulky, but I didn't care.

"I understand enough. You're scared, aren't you," Blue stated quietly. "You're scared to open up because you can't get over the past. You judge everyone and everything based on what happened to you and your parents. For goodness sake, why can't you accept that not everyone is like that?"

"Because everyone _is_ like that, okay?" I snapped, whirling round to face her properly. "People lie, they only think of themselves, people are _weak."_ I paused as I realised something. "And I'm not any better. I'm not any different! I might _think_ I l... l-_like_ Gold now, but after a while I'll work out that it was all some stupid trick of the mind- just like he has."

"So you're telling me that you want to go all the way back to where you were a few years ago?" Blue asked. She was speaking softly now, more slowly. "That boy who didn't need anyone, who could take care of himself, who would never let himself show any weakness? That lost little boy who hated everyone and who everyone hated, who would get into fights and then cry in his sleep at night?"

"I did not cry," I hissed.

Blue looked at me hard. "Yes you did," she whispered.

I turned away from her briskly as the overhead speakers announced that Goldenrod Department Store was now open for business. Blue didn't say any more. I think she'd realised that she had crossed the line. She had no right to make me question the rules I had been living by all my life. It was ridiculous- and easy for her to say. She had it all from the start. Parents who would cook for her and stick a bandage on her knee if she fell over, a big brother who would look out for her at school, clothes that weren't fished out of the bargain bin at a charity shop, presents on her birthday and at Christmas. I didn't get any of that.

I was an angry little kid. My mother didn't know how to control me, and the old man never even tried. He was fond of telling me, after heated arguments, how they'd never meant to have me. I suppose I couldn't blame him. I was an ugly, scrawny, scabby thing and was forever getting into fights- the number of times I was excluded from school for violent behaviour was impossible to count.

Blue was my neighbour at the time. She was sweet, smiley, perfection itself. Like one of those kids in a toothpaste ad. She would come and play with me sometimes, when I was young enough to still be frightened by my parents' rows. I liked her- she was like a big sister to me. But a part of me hated her too. I hated her for how everything was handed to her on a plate, no questions asked. I asked for Gameboy for my birthday and had the bedroom door slammed in my face. Sometimes Mom would stick up for me, but sometimes she would shake her head and say 'you really do ask for it, sweetheart'.

Then the old man's business started going down the drain. He and Mom argued more than ever. I was too young and stupid to figure out that he didn't really sell cars for a living, but Mom certainly wasn't. She worked it all out. I remember finding her collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor, tears sliding down her cheeks and her ladies' razor blade in her hand. I was nine years old. I thought she'd cut herself shaving and that was the reason she was crying. I took the blade from her hand and wiped the tears from her face. Then I got the toilet roll and wrapped the long ribbon of sheets round and round her bleeding arms. Then I hugged her and told her everything was going to be okay. And not once did she say a word.

The following month, I turned ten. Mom made a big effort for my birthday. I didn't have any friends she could invite for me, but Blue and her parents and brother showed up for a while. Mom slapped a fresh layer of make-up on her greying, tear-stained face and put on a big smile for all to see. She laughed and joked and handed round snacks while Blue and I played in our overgrown garden, quickly changing the subject when anyone asked where her husband was. I started to think that everything really _would_ be okay.

That night, as I settled down to sleep, Mom came into my room to give me a hug. I sat up obediently and let her hold me tightly against her as she kissed the top of my head and told me she loved me. Then she walked out and closed he door behind her, trying desperately to force back a sob. That was the last time I ever saw her.

The old man rarely left his office after that. I had to get up at six in the morning in order to get dressed and get to school on time, because Mom had taken the car and Dad wouldn't have driven me there anyway. The washing machine was broken, and he wouldn't give me money for the dry cleaners, so I cleaned our clothes in the bath with soap and water. I would cook for both of us, and leave his dinner on the floor outside his closed door before I headed downstairs to eat alone. Blue's family helped me out at first, but then they moved away and though they left me their new address should I need anything, my pride never let me call.

I never complained. It wasn't in my nature to complain. But I was angry, and each day that anger grew. I started to hate my mother. Not for leaving, but for not taking me with her. Dad never loved me- I was a thorn in his side and he wasn't even trying to hide it- but I had thought Mom cared, even just a little bit. I had trusted her. For a long time, I felt sure she would come back for me. But she didn't, and that was when I knew that she had never really loved me. Not enough to save me.

She hurt the old man too, though I didn't see why I should care. The house fell into disrepair, leaking and stinking of mould, but he refused to move. I think he was waiting for her to come back to him, even after he had pushed her away with his stubbornness and weakness.

I was eleven and a half when I finally snapped. I was making breakfast- bacon and eggs, a special treat- when my dad decided to show his face outside of his room for the first time in months. I was so surprised that my hand slipped and I knocked the pan off the cooker. I stupidly tried to grab it before it hit the floor, and ended up burning my hand. I yelped and swore, and my breakfast ended up strewn across the floor.

It wasn't anything a quick mopping and cold running water wouldn't solve, but Dad lost it. He seized me by the scruff of my neck and practically threw me aside. Then he picked up the pan and banged it down on the counter over and over again, shouting, "Useless, useless, useless!" I sat there on the floor, surrounded by splattered eggs, staring at him. I didn't feel anything. No anger. No hatred. Nothing. It was then that I realised that he wasn't my father any more.

He tried to apologise to me later. He blamed it on Mom, telling me how he trusted her and she betrayed him. It was nothing I didn't know, of course. I wasn't going to let it stop me.

I packed my bags and moved out the next day. The old man followed me into the street, and we had one last argument. Just for old times sake, I thought bitterly. He told me I didn't understand. Of course I didn't. I was eleven.

Just before I left, he told me something, and it was the one useful thing he ever told me. "Take care of yourself, Silver. Because you can bet no-one else will."

It was the last thing he ever said to me, and I clung to it. It made me strong. I couldn't form emotional bonds, because that risked the chance of letting others in and becoming weak. Except I had. And I was.

I jumped as I was brought out of my daze by Blue's cold hand on my arm.

"You're not like him," she said.

I was so surprised by this outburst that I laughed sharply. "You don't know that," I told her.

"Yes I do," she insisted, pulling back her hair and putting on her apron ready to serve. "If you were, you wouldn't be working in a shop."

I had to smile a little at that. "So," I said, sighing. "What do you think I should do?"

"I told you, didn't I? Tell him how you feel. Talk things over. Even if he tells you something you don't want to hear, you need to know," she said. "Tell you what. After work, you go home, make him dinner or something. Then you go meet him at the cafe- don't look at me like that, it'll show him that you care! And then you can talk things over as you walk back, and when you get home you can reheat your dinner and eat together. How does that sound?"

It's sounded so unbearably mushy and romantic that I felt myself blushing at just the thought of it. I shook my head.

"I can't."

"You can!" Blue pushed me lightly. "That's another thing. You have to get over _this_. You're a couple, so you shouldn't be embarrassed to do things that couples do!"

"We are not a _couple,_ so shut up," I muttered- but I wasn't really angry any more.

"Go on," she urged, nudging me playfully. "You know you want to!"

I was fairly certain that I _didn't_ want to- but even as I thought it, the whole scene starting playing itself out in my head. I'd go to meet him, he'd be surprised but pleased, and that would give me the confidence to, after a bit of fumbling, ask him outright about his relationship with Crystal. He'd just laugh light-heartedly and tell me that I'd got it all wrong, that he wasn't involved with Crystal, that he loved me and only me. Then when we got home we'd have dinner together and watch whatever trashy film was on the TV. He'd lean on me, and I'd yawn and put my arm around him, casually, so that he'd barely notice. He'd kiss me and say 'I love you'. And I would reply with something along the lines of 'Whatever. I guess I kind of like you too, moron'. Then we'd fall asleep together and wouldn't wake up until the afternoon the next day.

It was too cliché, too easy, too perfect for it to ever work out. But the more I thought about it, the more desperate I was for it all to happen. So when work was over, and I was walking home in the sweltering heat, I automatically made a fleeting visit to the grocery store as I passed to pick up all the ingredients I needed for king prawn rice. I didn't have much experience in cooking Chinese food, but I did my best, carefully revising all I remembered from the last time I had it. Considering the limited time I had, and the fact that my stomach was turning somersaults, I think I did pretty well.

It wasn't a difficult walk to Olivine, but by the time I got there I was breathing hard. My heart was pounding. My insides were twisting and making me feel light and dizzy. I tried my best to stop shaking, but I couldn't cease the trembling in my hands.

But I wasn't going to turn away. Not this time. Blue was right, I _had_ to do this. Gold was as far away from me now as he'd ever be. What did I have to lose?

I did my best to keep my stride even and casual as I turned the corner onto the street where Olivine Cafe was. Holding my head up high, I took several deep, refreshing breaths. I had to calm down. I couldn't go in there a nervous wreck.

I was less than twenty feet away from the entrance of the cafe. I could see, through the big window at the front, the final customers paying for their meals and leaving. Gold and Crystal were there, talking to what looked like their boss and grinning. His hand was around her waist, his hand on her hip. She had her arm around his shoulders and her cheek resting against his shoulder.

I stopped in my tracks.

The reflection of the setting sun off the window, made it difficult to see, but what happened next was impossible to miss.

Her lips, on his cheek.

His head turning to face her.

His lips. Her lips. Together. Kissing.

And just like that, my stupid little fantasy was ripped to shreds right in front of my eyes. For a moment, my heart stopped, and was only started again when a passer-by bumped into my shoulder and told me to watch where I was going. I couldn't reply.

Then, slowly, calmly, I turned and walked back the way I had came.

And then I ran.

–

**I really don't know what to say! I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for so long. Sorry to end on such a cliffhanger, but it's the way it has to be! Don't worry, all will be explained.**

**I know, I know, I'm being really mean to Silver here. But seeing him suffer is like a drug to me- it's so addictive! I really wanted to tear him apart this chapter (hence the ending), as well as expand more on his past. At least I got to give a few reasons as to why he turned out so screwed up.**

**To be honest, I wasn't all too sure about how to portray Silver's relationship with his father. Apparently, in the manga Giovanni really loved him, but in the game he didn't seem to care at all and was able to run off and leave his pre-teen son all alone without a second thought. I decided to expand on the second option, seeing as it seemed to fit in with the context and what I've hinted at so far- though I do think Giovanni loved Silver, in his own strange way...**

**I'm very impatient to complete the next chapter, so even though I have exams coming up, expect to see more soon!**


	29. Love and Tears

Crystal was wearing her old yellow dungarees and striped stockings. I raised my eyebrows at her. "What happened to your world record?" I asked.

"I'm not made of money, Gold!" she said defensively. "I couldn't borrow everything I needed, and there was no way I could buy or make all that stuff in time. It was just getting on top of me, you know?"

I nodded vaguely. "So what's the plan this time?"

"Well, I'm just going to wear my old clothes for a while," she told me. "It'll be September soon, and I've got some nice autumn-themed things from last year I could wear. Y'know, browns and reds and oranges."

I shrugged and turned back to the counter. The day had dragged on to a painful extent, and all I wanted to do was get back to our apartment, grab my stuff and leave before I got the chance to change my mind. I'd considered asking if I could leave early, but that idea had been shot down before it even got the chance to raise it's head as I saw the deep scowl that was etched into Alan's face.

Even as the shop was supposed to be closing for the day, there were still the slow few who dragged behind and could never finish a drink all in one go- they had to take tiny sips every now and then. The last to leave the cafe was a withered old woman, who looked eighty at least. She smiled pleasantly at Crystal and I as she paid over the counter.

"Well, it's not every day you see this!" she said, eyeing up the both of us. "A young couple working together. How nice."

Crystal laughed and opened her mouth to protest, but I quickly nudged her in the ribs and gave her a warning smile. She giggled and put her arm around my waist, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Oh, but of course! We're just joined at the hip, you know," she smiled, holding back her laughter. I had to bite my lip. "Thank you for your business, we hope to see you again!"

The woman took her exit, and we broke apart immediately, laughing.

"I can't believe she thought I'd go out with someone like _you_!" Crystal cried, giving me a little push.

"Hey, what's wrong with me?" I asked in mock heartbreak.

"You're much too normal," she sniffed, waving me away as if she were royalty and I were a common street rat. "And I don't think Silver would take too kindly to me running off with his boyfriend!"

I hadn't told her about our recent turbulence.

Alan emerged from the kitchen, apron in hand. "What's all this?" he asked, gesturing towards us. We burst out laughing again.

"Oh, didn't you know? Gold's my boyfriend now," Crystal said, taking up her previous position hooked around my waist, her chin on my shoulder.

Alan raised his eyebrows at us. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, totally," I said, grinning as I put my hand on Crystal's hip. She tilted her head up to kiss my cheek.

"We'll have none of that in my cafe, I'll tell you that for nothing," Alan warned, and Crystal stuck her tongue out at him.

"Spoilsport!" she said childishly. "What about mine and Gold's eternal love?"

"If it's as eternal as you say it is, then it can wait until you're off duty," Alan said gruffly.

Crystal pouted and clung to me dramatically, and I turned my head towards her. "Just ignore him, baby doll," I said, mimicking a line I heard on TV somewhere.

"Oh, I will, my darling!" Crystal cried, zooming in and kissing me playfully on the lips. It was just a friendly kiss, but it lasted longer than it should have and left me feeling very awkward that I hadn't been the one to pull away first. Crystal didn't seem to notice, and grinned cheekily at Alan.

He was not amused. "Hey, you _won't!_" he snapped, batting us apart. "Take it outside, you two, before I fire you both!"

We stumbled outside together. Crystal was giggling uncontrollably. "I can't believe he fell for that!" she exclaimed. She seemed to have completely forgotten the kiss, and knowing that it meant nothing to her made me feel better. The last thing I wanted was to get mixed up in some TV drama-type love triangle.

I smiled and pulled a face at her. "Yeah, I'm way too sexy for you," I said, and she gasped and pretended to hit me. I ducked under her arm and sped past her before she could get her hands on me again. I turned and waved when I reached the end of the street. "See you on Monday!"

As I ambled back through route thirty-nine, I began to think about home. Not with Mom and Graham; though it stung to realise, I didn't think of Newbark as my home any more. I thought of Silver, and our dark little apartment that leaked when it rained and stank to high heaven when it was hot. It wasn't anything special, and it definitely wasn't perfect, but it was my home and I couldn't shake the feeling that I belonged there, with Silver. I didn't want to leave.

I decided I'd give it a couple more days. Just to see how things turned out. The situation between me and Silver, it was probably just a phase, something that all people go through at some point in time. I couldn't just run away.

By the time I reached Goldenrod I was panting. Not a good sign. I could usually make it without having to stop to catch my breath, but I'd been eating more recently and the summer heat was really taking it's toll on my body. The air conditioner at the cafe was broken, so after eight hours racing around I was frazzled and sapped of all my energy. I picked gingerly at my clothes as I entered our apartment block. I really needed a shower...

The first thing I noticed when I entered our apartment was that it smelled good, as if somebody had been cooking. It was a drastic change from the usual stench of mould that the heat brought out to meet me, and quite surprising, as Silver hadn't been in the mood for cooking lately. We'd been living out of microwavable instants for the past week.

I headed into the kitchen to find Silver scraping what looked like our dinner into the bin. I frowned, but decided not to say anything. He was always tetchy when it came to housework.

"I'm back," I said, smiling nervously. Silver froze, then slowly straightened up, taking a deep breath as he did so. He didn't turn around to face me.

"Hi," he said quietly. He put the plate he was holding in the sink. "How was your day?"

"It was fine," I said, pleasantly surprised that he was actually making conversation for once.

"How's Crystal?" The bitter tone his voice took when he spoke her name was impossible to miss, but I decided to ignore it.

"She's good."

"Yeah, I bet she is," Silver cut me off impatiently, and I frowned.

"...Is something wrong?" I asked. I must have struck a nerve, though I had no idea how, because that made Silver whirl around and glare at me.

"You thought I wouldn't figure it out?" he spat. "You really thought I wouldn't notice? You're even stupider than you look."

I took a step back instinctively as Silver advanced on me, fists clenched at his sides. "What are you talking about?" I asked, shaking my head in confusion. This prompted a laugh from Silver. Not a nice laugh; a sharp, bitter bark of contempt.

"Stop playing dumb, Gold, it's not working. Or maybe you're not playing, maybe you really are so fucked up in the head that you don't even realise what's going on here!"

He looked so angry, and I didn't understand. Why did this have to happen now, when I was determined to set things right? "I don't know what you mean," I whispered. I'll admit, I was scared, just a little. The bruise on my back was gone, but not forgotten. And Silver was a lot stronger than I was.

Silver swept past me, out of the kitchen, weaving into the living room. I trailed after him helplessly. "You and Crystal, that's what I mean!" he said, his voice raising. "How long's it been going on, anyway? A week? A month? Six months?"

I was so confused and so out of it that I laughed. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just laughed. Maybe to ease the tension, to kid myself that the situation wasn't as serious as Silver wasn't making it out to be. I laughed.

It didn't take long for me to figure out that I'd made a big mistake. Silver's face said it all.

"You think this is _funny_?" he hissed. He was glaring at me again, but not with the same vehemence as before. He looked more hurt than angry. "Is this just a joke to you? Is this all just a big _joke? _Laugh at the ginger freak; oh he acts so tough but you should have seen him, the things he said, the things he _did, _like I really... Oh God!" He threw his head back and grabbed his hair, breathing hard. He was trying to keep his composure- and failing.

I shook my head at him. "I would never do that," I said. "You know I wouldn't. Silver..."

"Yeah, well I got this crazy idea that you wouldn't jump into bed with the first girl who wanted you, and we can see how that worked out," he said bitterly, looking down at his lap.

My mouth fell open as I finally realised what he was getting at. "Y-You think... Me and Crystal? _No_, no, you've got it all wrong! We were never-"

"Don't fuck with me!" Silver yelped, leaping to his feet so suddenly that I jumped back in surprise. "All this sneaking around, going out all night with her, not even wanting to be in the same goddamn _apartment_ as me any more- it's obvious, Gold! Why don't you just admit it?"

"I _won't_ admit it, because it isn't true!" I said, stepping up to him. "How could I be with her? It's always _you, _Silver. Even when I close my eyes, all I can see is you! I love y-"

"_Shut up! _Just shut up!" Silver shouted, turning his back on me and bringing his hands back up to his head to cover his ears. "You keep saying that over and over! You go to her, then say you love me. Even now, you keep saying it even though I know what's going on! How can you lie like that!"

"I'm _not_ lying!" I cried desperately. "Why don't you believe me? _Eight years_, Silver- how long is it going to take to get you to trust me?"

"I _did_ trust you!" Silver shot back. His expression softened slightly and his gaze lowered to the floor. "I did, and I shouldn't have, because look what's happened. Well, whatever. I don't care. Now get your things and get out, go back to your bitch and leave me alone, because I'm not going to let you mess with me any more."

The finality of his tone angered me. If he thought he could just snap his fingers and I'd jump at his command, he had another things coming. "Why won't you just _listen_ to me?"

"Why won't you just tell me the truth?"

"I _am_ telling the truth!" I shouted, grabbing his upper arms and shaking him gently, trying to get him to look at me. He didn't. I let go. "But that doesn't matter to you, does it," I said quietly, realisation dawning on me. "You've already decided what you're going to believe, and nothing I can say will change your mind."

"And you're surprised, after I've just seen you drooling all over that whore's face?" he snapped.

I gasped. "_What?_ I-I didn't!"

"Save it, Gold," Silver said, pushing me aside and heading back into the kitchen. He began washing the dirtied plates with unusual fuss and clatter. I stood there in the doorway, biting my lip.

"Silver?" I murmured, hoping the argument was over and that we could cool off and talk things over. "Silver? Please answer me..."

He carried on as if he hadn't even heard. He was taking his usual way out; running away when things got hard. "Fine then," I said. "You know what? Even if I _was_ cheating on you with Crys, what would it matter to you? Like you say all the time, you don't care! You don't care about me, or how I feel. I'm just 'idiot', 'moron', 'fatass'. You really know how to make someone feel good about themselves, Silver!"

"Don't make this about you!" Silver yelled, turning on me, waving a soapy plate in my direction. I shrugged sadly.

"That's the way it is, isn't it?" I said. "It's always about you."

"Oh... _shit!"_ Silver spun around and threw the plate down into the sink so hard that I was surprised it didn't shatter. "You know what, you're right. So go on, choose Crystal. Rather her than some selfish, anti-social, stick-up-ass loser who's just gonna end up in prison or dead." His voice had been getting louder and thicker as he went on, and I saw him raise a hand to his mouth to shut himself up.

I sighed and touched his shoulder. He flinched away.

"Oh no, Silver," I whispered. "Is that what you really think of yourself?"

He shrugged angrily. "Why shouldn't I?" he said sharply, his voice muffling as he lowered his chin to his chest. "Everybody else does."

"I don't," I said softly. I stepped over to him and took hold of his hand. "Silver, are you listening? I don't think that. I love you."

"Stop it."

"I love you..."

"I said, stop it!" He wrenched his hand out of my grip. "How can you say that? It doesn't _mean_ anything, Gold! Not if you're leaving me, not if you're fucking that slut!"

I backed away as if his glare was burning me, my will to comfort him disappearing in a second. "H-How dare you," I hissed. "How dare you say that about her! You think that's going to change anything, insulting her while she's not here to defend herself?" It wasn't fair how he was acting. I'd never even thought about a relationship with Crystal. Not even once- well, maybe once. But definitely not twi- definitely not three times. And even if I had thought about it, that was very different to going through with it. I loved Silver- though it was getting harder and harder for me to believe.

Silver had gone silent. His head was bowed and his hair had fallen over his face so I couldn't see him properly. I sighed and rubbed my face in frustration.

"Why do you care so much anyway?" I asked.

His head snapped up immediately, eyes lighting up with rekindled anger. "Because you're supposed to love me, Gold! You said you loved _me,"_ he said, looking hard at me, his shoulders heaving with every breath. "And I..." His voice fell to a whisper. "I _believed _you."

"Oh God, Silver..." I didn't try to touch him again, but he took a step back anyway, pressing his hands to his face.

"No," he said quietly. He was breathing faster and faster, and a cold dread took over me as he looked like he was about to cry. I had to reassure myself that he wouldn't. Silver never cried.

"I can't do this," he went on, shaking his head. "I'm not... I can't do this. I knew; I knew it would turn out this way. B-But you kept saying, 'I love you, I love you' a-and I thought... you meant it, and... I let you... and I... A-All those things I was going to say, I-I-"

A tear trickled down his cheek.

However shocked I was, I was nowhere near as shocked as him. His voice caught in his throat, his eyes widened and he stopped mid-sentence. Slowly, he raised a trembling hand to his face to touch the damp trail the tear had left on his cheek. He swallowed. Took a deep breath. Then remembered me, and whipped around as fast as his could, hands flying up to hide his face.

I stood there, shaking and unable to speak for a moment. The I took a step towards him. "Silver-"

"Get out, Gold," he said loudly. His voice cracked as he said it, and I saw him bite down on his hand. After a few shaky breaths, he found the strength to address me again. "Just... Just get out."

I didn't know what to do. I was frightened. The tear on Silver's cheek had scared me more than any amount of shouting and violence ever could. Strong Silver, capable Silver, he never cried. He never cried.

In a daze, I gathered my suitcase from the bedroom and dragged myself towards the door. Looking back, I saw Silver still standing in the kitchen, back facing me, arms wrapped around himself protectively as he rocked gently on his heels.

After locking the door behind me, I posted my keys through the letterbox.

As I left emerged from the run-down apartment block and stumble out into the glaringly bright street, all I could do was think of the tear on Silver's face, and know that I had been the cause of it.

–

**Oh dear... I nearly made myself cry a few times while writing this, during some of Silver's lines in the argument. But I love to make myself cry over fictional things! It's very fun... Writing arguments is very difficult though. It's a pain to structure them!**

**On a nicer note (after that raging row I've just put you through) I've been researching the sixteen personality types after seeing a documentary on psychology, and I've worked out what types the main characters are!**

**Gold = ESFJ (The Caregiver)**

**Silver = ISTJ (The Inspector)**

**Crystal and Eusine = ESPF (The Performer)**

**Blue = ENFJ (The Teacher)**

**Green = ESTJ (The Guardian)**

**They're fairly easy to research, just type 'sixteen personality types' into Google. Interestingly, out of all the main characters, Silver is the only introvert- though I suppose that makes sense. Yellow would probably be an introvert too, but I haven't included her enough to know enough about her...**

**Sorry about the slight wait you had for this chapter- I have exams next week, and however much I'd like to spend all day writing, I really needed to prioritize my revision. I'm a bit starved for ideas next chapter- the build-up to the argument sort of took over my brain- so if any of you want to suggest anything, please go ahead!**


	30. Love and Breaking

Focus on the plates, Silver. The water that's much too hot and the supermarket brand soap that makes your hands sore. It's so annoying how rice sticks to the plates. It doesn't come off properly when you try to scrape it into the bin, so you end up with the tiny pieces floating around in your washing up bowl, brushing past your stinging hands as you scrub furiously at the dishes and drinking glasses. They still weren't clean enough.

I raised the plate I had been washing out of the discoloured water and stared down at it, letting it drip. I took a deep breath.

Then I spun round and threw it down on the floor as hard as I could. It shattered into a million pieces on the tiles, spraying me with the tiny shards.

"_Fuck you!"_

I grabbed the other plate and hurled it down. The glasses followed.

"_Fuck_ _it! Fuck you!"_

I stood there panting, surrounded by sharp crystals of glass and china. My feet were bare, and the cupboard that held the sweeping brush was on the other side of the kitchen. I didn't care. It didn't matter.

I was alone.

And just like that, it all came crashing down on me and I-

-I broke down.

Unfamiliar, unwelcome tears burned my eyes and slid down my cheeks. I couldn't fight them off, no matter how hard I tried. My body wouldn't let me. The next thing I knew the last of my control had slipped and I was crying like a baby, sobbing and heaving like someone who'd forgotten how to cry and had to learn all over again. Furious with myself, I held my head in my hands and screamed, long and loud. My throat hurt. My eyes hurt. I couldn't breathe.

Mrs Bellamy from next door started banging on the wall, shrieking like a banshee. "I'll call the police! You see if I don't!"

I stumbled out of the kitchen, over the carpet of glass, and into the living room. Picking up a cushion from the sofa, I pressed it to my face, trying desperately to muffle my sobs. I had to stop crying. If only I could stop crying...

It wasn't fair. It wasn't meant to be like this.

It was all my fault. I knew this would happen, and yet I had stood by and watched Gold get under my skin anyway. He'd turned me into something I never wanted to be. And I had let him.

And the worst part was that I knew what was happening. I knew Gold was cheating on me with Crystal, and yet I hadn't done anything. I'd just ignored it, because I didn't want to believe that he would ever do something like that. But I knew. So much for pride.

I slumped down on the sofa, breathing hard. I thought of all the things I had done. Held him, kissed him, cooked for him, begged- _begged!- _him not to leave me. Why did he let me do it? He didn't want it, so why the _fuck_ did he let me do it? Was it so fun to see me making a fool of myself? Was it such a good joke, watching the guarded guy break?

I imagined him laughing with Crystal, telling her everything, all the painful, private things that I didn't want to even think about. How I would blush and fidget at his touch, how I would kiss him so clumsily, how I wanted to sleep by his side, and wasn't I so cute for taking him so seriously?

Fresh tears sprang to my eyes, and I hugged the cushion tighter to my chest and buried my face in it. Gold wouldn't do that; he wasn't that sort of person. He would never hurt me. Except he had.

And the fact that it hurt so much angered me even more. We had done this, the both of us. He had made me weak, and I had put up no resistance. He had no right to do that. He had no right to make me care about him.

My sobs had faded into small whimpers. I was disgusted at how weak and pitiful I sounded, and resisted the urge to scream again.

Somebody was knocking on the door.

For one wonderful, horrible moment, my stomach flipped as the thought that it might be Gold flitted through my mind. Heaving myself up, I swayed for a second as the blood rushed from my head and sent a wave of dizziness washing over me. I dragged myself to the door.

It was Mrs Bellamy, all set to give me yet another of her riveting lectures, no doubt.

"_What_?" I snapped, scowling at her. She was taken aback, and eyed me suspiciously for a moment, taking in my red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I sniffed in annoyance and wiped my nose on the back of my hand. Finally she gathered herself.

"One more time, young man, and I'm calling the police," she told me quietly.

I shut the door in her face.

I sloped into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed. All that crying had worn me out and given me a headache and the hiccups. It wasn't even seven yet, and I hadn't eaten anything, but all I wanted to do was to go to sleep. Turning onto my side, I lazily scanned the room. All signs that Gold had ever been here were few and far between. His clothes no longer lay discarded on the floor, and the scent of his apple soap was covered up by the strong smell of my deodorant. It still clung to the bed though, the sickeningly sweet stench catching in my throat as I buried my face in the pillow. My eyes flickered to one side, and fell on the bedside table. Something familiar was glinting in the reddening sunlight.

It was the chain I'd bought Gold for his birthday.

I felt a lump rise in my throat again, and I tried to swallow it back down. It didn't matter, really. It hadn't been cheap, and I'd spent a long time- longer than I would have liked- browsing, searching for something that Gold would like, that would suit his bright style and tanned skin tone perfectly. But it didn't matter. He didn't care. He'd taken everything else but he'd left this. It didn't matter. He didn't care.

Slowly, I reached out and curled my hand around the thick, heavy chain. Then I flew into a sitting position and hurled it across the room as hard as I could. It hit the thin, single-glazed window with a penetrating crack and fell onto the floor, leaving a white, star-shaped mark behind it on the pane.

I stared at it for a moment before turning and pounding my fists into my pillow.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I accentuated each word with another punch. I carried on punching and swearing until I was too physically drained to punch or swear any more. I fell back down on the bed with my head in my hands and curled into a ball.

My throat was hurting, my head was hurting, and the soles of my feet were stinging after walking through all that glass. I just wanted to go to sleep. Closing my eyes, I did my best to block out Gold's smell and the throbbing pain and the muffled giggles of the woman who lived in the apartment opposite mine and her boyfriend as she dragged him to her door.

I could hear my dad's voice in my head as I drifted into unconsciousness. _Take care of yourself, Silver. Because you can bet no-one else will._

And then I saw myself, eleven years old, naïve, determined, ready to take on the world.

_I don't want to be someone like you._

_I will become a stronger man all by myself._

_All by myself._

But I was wrong. And now here I was, curled up on my bed with my head in my hands, shaking and scared and feeling like a little kid. In my half-asleep state, I was suddenly struck with the image of my father sat alone in his dark little office, waiting for Mom to come back. Lost without her. And as I slipped away, this picture began to blur and change, and suddenly it wasn't my father in that self-made prison any more. It was me.

I woke up to the sound of the washing machine beeping. It must've been early morning, because the light was spilling in through the window, but I wasn't in the mood for getting up just yet. It felt like I'd been hit over the head with a sledgehammer, for one thing.

Turning over onto my back, I groaned. "Hey, could you turn that off?"

Then I remembered. Rubbing my face in my hands, I sighed and heaved myself out of bed, yelping when my feet came into contact with the floor. Leaning back, I examined the soles of my feet, gingerly prodding the tender, swollen flesh. I picked as much glass out as I could with my fingernails, but walking still made me wince. I'd have to pick up a pair of tweezers from the drug-store later.

After a strong mug of black coffee, I felt much better, and decided quite firmly that last night never happened. I never cried, and I planned to keep it that way. I had to stop thinking about Gold and why he stayed with me for so long when he so obviously preferred Crystal.

The image of them side-by-side, laughing together suddenly flashed into my mind, and I couldn't help but wonder if Gold had gone to Crystal's after he'd left. Probably.

I needed a release for my hurt and humiliation, so I decided to go to the gym. I ran a shallow bath and bathed my burning feet for a while until the throbbing dulled and the swelling went down. Then I pulled on three pairs of socks (for padding) and my trainers before limping out of our apartment. My apartment.

It took me twice as long to reach the gym as it would have if I hadn't cut my feet to ribbons, and by the time I arrived I was ready to turn and straight back home. But not wanting to waste the journey, I begrudgingly changed into my swimming shorts and did a few lengths. I definitely wasn't in the mood for the treadmill.

I didn't bother getting dried. My shirt stuck to my damp skin, rubbing and chafing whenever I swung another punch. The tough skin of the punching bag stung my fists, but I couldn't summon the strength to hit so hard that the skin on my knuckles tore. My pounding fists flagged as the burning in my lungs crawled up into my neck. The burning was followed by the taste of bile, and I was suddenly hit with the strong urge to throw up.

Speeding to the bin beside the door, I bent over and let loose the surge of vomit that had risen in the back of my throat. It hit the bottom of the bin with a sickening splat. Once I started I couldn't stop. I could only stand there, bent double in the middle of the gym while all eyes burned into me, retching helplessly. Shaking and heaving, my vision blurring. I was vaguely aware of strong hands brushing past either said of my face, gently pulling my hair back.

The hands held my hair and rubbed my back until I'd finished puking. I straightened up best I could, white and trembling, vomit flecked on my face and dripping from my chin. It took me a few good blinks before my eyes stopped watering and I could see properly. The mix of colours before me slowly separated and took on the form of a face. A face with deathly pale skin and maroon eyes.

I don't think I'd moved faster in all my life as I slapped the man's hands away and leaped back. "Y-You..."

"Are you all right?" the man asked. He didn't sound worried at all, but he was hovering over me like a mother hen. "You should sit down and put your head between your knees."

I could only shake my head and wave my hands stupidly. He touched my shoulder, making me flinch. Then he reached up to press his cold palm to my forehead.

"I think you're in shock. You should really sit down."

"No, no, I don't need-"

"Should I call an ambulance?"

"_No!" _I backed away, and was struck by another tidal wave of nausea. I had to sit down after all, my head spinning. "I-I'm fine. I just have to... have to..." I started breathing hard, but my throat had closed up and I couldn't draw in any air. Heat began to prickle beneath my skin and beads of sweat broke out on my forehead as I wheezed. The black-haired man pushed my head down between my knees and held it there.

"Relax," he said plainly.

"How do you expect me to relax, I can't fucking relax!" I choked out in a rush between gasps. I could feel everyone in the gym staring at me.

"If you don't relax, you won't be able to draw any air into your lungs and you will lose consciousness."

"Oh, _now_ I can relax!" I snapped, struggling to get up. He forced me back down, and slowly I felt my breath returning. The dizziness faded away and was replaced my embarrassment as I tried desperately to come up with a way to make a swift exit that would allow me to maintain at least a little of my dignity.

The man knelt down in front of me and looked up at me. "You look disgusting," he told me blandly, reaching up and cupping my face in his hands. Heat crept up my neck and into my cheeks, and I shot to my feet so fast that all the blood rushed from my head and I nearly collapsed. I swept past the man and out the door. I barely touched him, but he was crouched down and perched on his toes, and the brush of my leg against his shoulder knocked him off balance and sent him sprawling sideways onto the floor. Part of me was glad.

After hunting through my pockets for five minutes, I finally accepted that no, I didn't have enough money to get a bus home, and set off the way I had came, sucking my tongue, trying to get the bitter taste of sick out of my mouth.

Before I even reached the end of the street I was acutely aware of somebody following me. It didn't have to turn around to know that it was the doll-eyed guy from the gym. I didn't know what he was planning, but with my cut feet, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to outrun him. Not that I would have taken that option anyway. If he wanted trouble, then God help him, he was going to get it.

I took a sharp turn into a narrower, less-used street and immediately pressed my back against the wall, bracing myself. I didn't know what this guy was capable of, and I didn't want to find out. I knew he was strong though- stronger than me, at least in this state. My best bet was to catch him off guard.

He turned the corner and I pounced, grabbing him my the arm and slamming him hard into the wall, front first. Holding his wrist firmly behind his back, I pressed my free arm to the back of his neck, forcing the side of his face up against the bricks. He didn't fight back. He didn't seem shocked in the slightest. I wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't even blinked.

The thought made me inexplicably angry, and I dragged him back and slammed him into the wall again. "Okay wise guy, enlighten me," I hissed. "Who are you and what do you want with me?"

"I'm a drug dealer, I want your money." There was a long pause, and the man gave an amused little sniff. "I'm just a student teacher. I was worried about you so I followed you so I could help if you fainted."

Up until that point, I had almost forgotten that I felt like shit. I swallowed and tightened my grip on my arm. "Why should I believe that?" I sneered.

The man replied without hesitation. "Because it's the truth."

"Yeah, well I'm not buying it," I snapped.

"If I wanted to anything from you, I would have taken it already," the man told me plainly. The tips of my ears began to burn. I didn't like this guy's attitude one bit. I yanked him back. He didn't protest, going limp in my hold and letting himself be dragged around like a sack of potatoes.

"Now listen buddy," I said, coiling my free arm around to press strongly against his throat. "I've had a really bad day and I swear, you don't want to find out how bad."

"I don't doubt it," the man replied. His voice was as neutral as ever, but I couldn't miss the hint of mockery in his words. By this point I was all set to snap his scrawny neck there and then- but the scene of him helping me back in the gym kept replaying in my head and holding me back. Damn my conscience!

The man took a deep breath. "Listen," he began slowly, as if he were talking to a child after a tantrum. "I'm sure you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself-"

"Damn right."

"-but I couldn't know that for sure. Therefore I'd say my concern for you was justified, considering the state you were in back at the gym. I do not intend to harm you, so if you were to let me go I would be very grateful."

It was more than I thought he'd say, and took me by surprise. I studied him for a moment, deciding whether to trust him or not. Sighing, I realised that I didn't have much of a choice. Even if I made up my mind that yes, he was a threat, I couldn't keep him pressed against the wall forever. I'd have to let him go sometime.

"You'd better not try anything," I muttered before relinquishing my grip on him. He turned to face me, nodding his gratitude. I had left red rings around his wrists, but he didn't rub them.

"Thank you," he said. A long silence followed.

"...You knew I was going to let you go, didn't you?" I asked quietly. He nodded again, and I raised my hand to cover my eyes. The guy was a walking source of bad luck- every time I ran into him, I ended up making a fool of myself.

"Where are you headed?" he asked, oblivious to my humiliation.

I did a double take. "W-What? Why?"

"I'm going to walk you home."

"I'm not telling you where I live!" I took a step back instinctively, landing heavily on my back heel and sending needles of pain shooting up my ankle.

"I'll walk you halfway then."

"I don't _need_ you to walk me _anywhere_!" I snapped, suddenly very eager to get back out in the open where everyone was.

"I'll walk behind you if you're embarrassed," the man offered. One look at his suddenly serious eyes told me he wasn't going to give up on this.

"Hell no, you're not walking behind me!" I wasn't that gullible. However well-intentioned this man seemed, he was fucking creepy and I wasn't turning my back on him for a second. "Just walk next to me like a normal person, why don't you?"

"All right then," the man replied, and my mouth fell open at the stupidity of what I'd just said. It really felt like I'd been shot with the idiot gun today.

The black-haired man was unnervingly quiet as we made our way down the slowly-crowding streets, but I couldn't say I expected anything else. He kept sliding me weird looks- maybe it was just the way his face naturally fell, but it was freaking me out. I returned each with a fierce glare at first, but after a while it began to lose impact and I was left scowling at my feet like a sulky little kid.

I stopped just before we reached my estate. I shuffled my feet a little, suddenly very aware of the dirty words spray-painted on the walls, the chewing gum on the ground, the houses with broken or boarded up windows and the gang of hooded kids who just happened to chose that moment to whiz by on their bikes, spitting and swearing.

"You live here?" the man asked, blinking and looking around. He couldn't have looked more indifferent.

"No," I said stupidly, then felt myself blush and looked at the ground. I swallowed and chewed my lip. "Well, thanks I guess. Not that I needed it."

I raised my eyes to see the man's face twist into something that resembled a smile. Or more of a hint of a smile. "I think you're cute."

I choked on my own spit. "Y-You! Just try saying that again!" Why did people keep _saying_ that? First Gold, then Green, and now this guy. I wasn't cute! I was bad. _Bad!_

I seized the front of his red T-shirt and yanked him closer to me, pointing angrily at my face. "Look!" I said indignantly. "Do I look cute to you? _Huh?_"

The man actually seemed to consider this. "No," he decided at last. "You're a little bit hideous."

"Why you-!" I supposed I was asking for that, so I settled for shoving him away, roughly, so that he stumbled. "Yeah, that's right, and don't you forget it!"

"I meant your personality," he pointed out, but I wasn't going to stick around to hear him out. I turned and sped down the turd-strewn street, ignoring the screaming pain in my feet. I didn't stop running until I reach my apartment block, and before entering I couldn't help but look around, just in case Mr I'm-Going-To-Treat-You-Like-A-Little-Girl had followed me. Thankfully he hadn't, and I let myself relax, just a little.

As I dragged my aching body up the stairs, I began to regret running as the adrenaline wore off and the pain set in, rekindling the fire in the soles of my feet. I collapsed on the couch as soon as I got in, pulling off my trainers and throwing them across the room.

As I studied my red, throbbing feet, I heard Gold's voice in my head. _'You should go to the doctor's! You could get an infection or something, Silver!'_

"Don't be such a baby," I said aloud without thinking. Then I sighed and buried my face in my hands. I missed him. God damn it, it hadn't even been a day and I missed him. I wouldn't have missed him if I knew he was coming back. But he wasn't. Not ever.

I let myself fall back against the cushions with whoosh of air. Why did this have to happen? I drew my knees up to my chest and hugged them there, feeling smaller than I ever had in my life.

My apartment was too quiet.

Too big.

So big it was crushing me. And I didn't have the strength to do anything but let it.

–

**After all that's been going on lately, I thought you deserved a little bit of humour (even if it was a bit dark) so I added the scene with Silver and the strange man who I'm sure most of you have recognised by now!**

**Being the sadist that I am, I took immense pleasure in writing Silver's little breakdown at the start of the chapter. I knew from the very beginning of this story that I wanted to make him cry like a baby. Cruel? You bet I am!**

**I'm very much looking forward to writing next chapter- though I'm not sure what it will include yet! I have a vague idea, but if any of you have and ideas... well, you know the drill!**


	31. Love and Regret

I didn't know where to go, so I didn't go anywhere. I just wandered around Goldenrod for a while, wanting to cry but unable to. It was strange. I couldn't feel anything. I knew I should have been angry and upset, but all there was was an odd numbness. I couldn't feel the ground beneath my feet and my mind was in a haze. Like I was dreaming and waiting to wake up.

I was hungry. Suddenly, desperately hungry. I didn't have much money, but I headed into the McDonald's that was opposite the department store and bought myself an M&Ms mcflurry. I took a seat at a family-sized table in the corner, setting my suitcase down beside me, and swirled the smooth white ice-cream around the plastic cup with my spoon.

It didn't taste right. The numbness had spread right into my mouth and made the ice-cream take on a strange plastic-y flavour.

A tear dropped down into my ice-cream cup. I wiped my eyes and took another spoonful.

"You idiot," I sniffed, swallowing. The coldness burned my throat and made my chest ache. It didn't really hurt, but I began to sob anyway. "Why don't you trust me? You idiot, you idiot," I choked out between mouthfuls. I was attracting quite a bit of attention, but I didn't care.

After a minute or so of crying, my ice-cream had melted and gone all salty with tears. I couldn't eat any more, so I just sat back in my seat and buried my face in my hands, sniffling. A child who was just leaving the restaurant with her mother hung back at my table as she passed.

"Are you okay?" she asked innocently, only to be dragged away by the wrist by her mother, so was shaking her head and muttering something about foreign people.

The tears stopped and the shame of having cried in front of so many people set in. I hurriedly got to my feet, picked up my bags and made my way towards the exit, nodding at people at I passed and mumbling, "Sorry, sorry.".

I spent the next few hours just wandering around. I walked to Ecruteak and back, holding back tears and feeling hungrier than ever. I thought about Silver, and how I had made him cry. Maybe he was crying now... No. Silver wouldn't do that. He was much too strong, much too proud. Too proud to ever believe what I had to say.

I knew that there was nothing left for us. Not now. Even if I could somehow prove that Crystal and I weren't in a relationship, Silver would be too stubborn to take another chance with me. And why should he? He'd taken a chance before, despite everything, and I'd managed to royally screw it up. It was hard for Silver to trust; I would never understand how hard. But he had trusted me. And I had... I had...

I didn't want to start howling in the middle of the street, so I ducked my head and hurried to the nearest pokemon centre, which was luckily only a few streets away. I checked into a room and spent the rest of the night huddled up in bed- even though the duvet smelled funny and the room was much too hot and stuffy. I must have drifted off to sleep despite it, because the next thing I knew I was on the floor with the blankets twisted around me, light filtering through the blinds on the window.

I hadn't washed in two days and was in desperate need of a shower, but I had never trusted public bathrooms, and the pokemon centre showers looked a little worse for wear, so I resigned myself to a weekend of filth. Crystal almost choked when she greeted me on Monday.

"_Ugh!_ Gold, what happened to you?" she cried, holding her nose. "You _stink!_"

"Thanks," I said grimly, and she nudged me in the ribs.

"What, did you get your water cut off or something?" she asked.

I shook my head, sighing. "No, it's not that. I wasn't... at home over the weekend."

She narrowed her eyes at my downcast gaze, realising something was wrong. "What happened?" she asked suspiciously. "Did you argue with Silver again...?"

"Kinda," I said. "We're not... you know-" I cleared my throat and looked away, "-living together right now; we... we kind of broke up."

Crystal's jaw dropped. "What? Why- W-When did this happen?" she asked. I bit my lip and tried to turn away, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Gold, you're not serious, right?"

My eyes began to sting again. "Things haven't been going so well for a while now and he thought w-we... that I was cheating on him. W-With you." A tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away impatiently. I didn't want to be caught crying at work.

Crystal gasped and brought a hand to her lips. "Why would he think that?" she said. "We've never... We're just friends!"

"I know, I know." I buried my face in my hands. "It was just, the more I went out with you the less I talked to him and I-I suppose he thought..."

Crystal squeaked. "So it's my fault," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears to match mine. I quickly shook my head.

"No, no, no! It was _me,_ I didn't listen to him. He tried to tell me - well, not _directly_, but still he..." I trailed off as realisation dawned on me. Everything - Silver's attitude towards Crystal, his reluctance to let me go out, his odd mood swings whenever I would talk about work- they all made sense now. It was obvious; Silver was _jealous_ of Crystal.

I hadn't even noticed. Like I'd forgotten all about him. I began to cry.

Crystal was shaking her head. "It's my fault. If it weren't for me..." She started crying too.

In less than ten seconds we were both bawling. In less than twenty, Alan was storming out to greet us in his usual fashion, bellowing like a bull about how useless and lazy were were, and why couldn't we get the doors open on time? He stopped mid-sentence when he saw us both flooding the cafe with tears.

After a moment's stunned pause, he cleared his throat and addressed us calmly. "Do you two..." he coughed awkwardly, "need a moment?"

I nodded feebly, trying to choke back my sobs. "I-I-I'm s-s-sorry," I gasped, sniffing desperately. I didn't have a tissue, so I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.

"Don't do that! Health and safety, you know?" Alan said, sighing. "Come on, you two, have a seat, calm yourselves down."

He ushered us into the kitchen and sat us down at the big metal table, thrusting a wad of kitchen roll in our direction for us to dry our eyes on. The spotty kitchen boy shot us funny looks from his usual spot by the sink, but I was too upset to care. I'd managed to stop sobbing, but I was still sniffing and shaking, suddenly freezing cold.

I was taken aback as Alan pushed a steaming mug of tea under my nose. I blinked up at him dumbly for a moment before taking it. "Thank you. Sorry. Thank you," I mumbled. Alan marched away, grumbling under his breath, and I hung my head.

Crystal put her arm around me in a weak hug.

"I'm being silly, aren't I?" she said, forcing a laugh, nursing her own mug on her lap. "I shouldn't be the one crying! Sorry for ruining everything, Gold."

"No, Crys-"

"Hey I know!" she interrupted me almost too cheerfully. "I could go and talk to him. You know, explain that there's nothing going on between us." She set down her mug and got to her feet, nodding to herself. "Yeah, yeah, that's what I'll do! I'll tell him-"

"Crystal..."

"-And then you can-"

"_Crystal!"_ I reached out and grabbed her hand, silencing her mantra. Swallowing, I smiled up at her, blinking furiously, refusing to cry again. "It's okay," I said quietly. "It's not you. This whole... misunderstanding, it... it doesn't matter. W-We would have still... split up. Eventually." I sighed and looked down at my lap. "It just happened sooner than I thought."

Crystal gaped at me. "Don't you want to be with him?" she asked.

"Of course I do," I said. "But I don't think I can."

"Why?" Crystal sounded even more crestfallen than I did, but then I _was_ trying my hardest to keep it together. I couldn't afford to start blubbering again.

"Because," I explained. "I love him- I really, _really_ love him- but we're too different. I kept telling myself we could work things out but... maybe we can't. Maybe we're not meant to be together."

"Oh Gold, don't start getting all noble on me!" Crystal said nervously, trying to turn it into a joke. I smiled gratefully at her. At least she was trying. "You _love_ Silver, so-"

"-So I don't want to hurt him any more," I said firmly. I took a deep breath. "And... I don't want to hurt any more, either."

No more tears for Gold. At least not now. My mom always said there were some things you just couldn't change. You had to accept it. Even if it hurt. Even if it felt like your insides were being torn apart and that you couldn't think straight and that you'd just lost the most important thing in your life and that you'd never love anyone else ever again and that _damn_ you were so hungry...

"So what are you going to do?" Crystal asked, successfully derailing my train of thought. "I mean, where are you staying?"

"Oh... Th-The pokemon centre in Ecruteak..."

"_Ecruteak?_ That place is so backwards I wouldn't be surprised if people walked on their hands. Oh Gold, is it disgusting? Is the toilet just a hole in the floor?" she asked dramatically, flopping down next to me and draping herself across my lap, nearly causing me to spill my tea all over her.

"It's fine," I said truthfully. "You know it's not that bad! The showers aren't great, but I could always bunk at the one here or in Goldenrod."

"You'd be lucky if you got through the door in Goldenrod," Crystal sniffed. "I hear it's popular. Same here, it's been fully-booked every night since that Battle Tower opened."

"I'll be fine in Ecruteak..."

"But isn't there a maximum number of days you can stay? Y'know, to stop people using it as a free pad or something?"

I bit my lip. I'd forgotten about that. I wasn't due to be back to Newbark until Thursday, and with the 'three nights maximum' rule I'd be on the streets by Tuesday. "I-I've still got time, I could sort something out... a hotel or something."

"You stay in a hotel and you're going to be paying to come to work!" Crystal snapped. "I won't have it. You'll have to stay with me." She sighed heavily. "My parents won't like it, but what can I say, I could never say no to you Gold, not when you beg me like this."

"What?" I began to frown as I realised how she'd turned my own words against me. "I-I didn't-!"

"You two!" Alan cut me off as he cornered us, seizing the both of us by the scruff of the neck like a pair of kittens. "Have you calmed down yet? Good! Now, let's not make us later than we already are!"

We were practically hurled out of the kitchen. The keys were sent flying after us, hitting Crystal on the head. She stomped over to the door and unlocked it with exaggerated fuss. "There's no point, nobody comes in here this early," she said sulkily, rubbing her bruised forehead.

I patted her shoulder as she inched back around the counter, and she smiled at me. "At least you're coming to my house tonight, right?"

I couldn't bring myself to say 'no' after that, so right after work we headed to Ecruteak together to pick up my things.

Crystal lived in one of the new suburbs at the very edge of Olivine. Her house was small but modern, completely white and smooth. The only thing differentiating it from every single other house on her street was the defeated-looking car on the driveway. The green paint was chipped away in places, giving it an odd mottled appearance, and the bumper was sporting a crumpled look.

It was all very normal, and I couldn't help being baffled despite the fact that I'd been there before. because Crystal nodded at me and wrinkled her nose. "I know. It's horrible, right?" she said. "But the inside's not that bad!"

Crystal lived with her parents, dog, and pet bidoof. On the upside, her dog, 'Koko with K,not a C', liked me. On the downside, her parents did not. And though I would've probably been a little freaked out if they started barking at me and slobbering all over my face, I couldn't help but think that it might have been slightly preferable to the hostile greeting I received from her father.

Crystal made me stand up straight and brush my hair down before she introduced us. Then she plastered on her sweetest smile and crossed her fingers.

"Daddy," she cooed in what must have been her best 'daddy's girl' impression. "I'm back from work."

"Hello, princess." Her father, a huge bear of a man, plodded out of the kitchen and greeted Crystal with a hug, completely overlooking me from where I stood behind them. Crystal had to cough and strategically turn him around for him to notice me. His face instantly darkened as our eyes met.

"Who's this?" he asked, trying and failing to keep the cheery tone in his voice.

"Daddy," Crystal said, "this is Gold. He's, um, going through some problems at home right now, so I thought maybe he could... stay with us? _Please?_"

He barely hesitated. "No."

Crystal dropped her sickly-sweet act like a red hot poker. "But _Da-ad!_" she wailed. "It's not _fair, _you _never_ let my friends stay over. I'm eighteen, not eight! What would we do, get drunk and trash the place?"

"Crystal, sweetheart, we've been through this," her father said. "I'm perfectly fine with you having one or two of your girl friends over, but you're much to young to be inviting boys to your room."

"Dad!" Crystal said, horrified. "He's not my boyfriend, he's just a friend! _Please_, Daddy, he can sleep in the spare room, and you can lock our doors from the outside if you want to. You won't even know he's here, I swear."

Her father eyed me suspiciously, and I began to sweat, half-expecting him to maul me with his huge bear paws.

"I don't trust him," he said. "It's his sort you have to watch out for."

_My_ sort? I didn't know what he was talking about. Evidently, Crystal didn't either.

"_Daddy!_" she cried, and at the same time her mother called out from the living room.

"For pity's sake, Billy, don't be so rude!"

Crystal's father wilted immediately. "Sorry, dear," he muttered. Straightening up and taking a deep breath, he regained his authoritative voice as he turned to me. "What I meant to say was, I'm sure you're a very nice young man, but my daughter is far too young to be dating as it is, and I just can't allow her to bring a boy I have never met before into our home from the streets."

"I didn't bring him off the streets! And the only reason you've never met him before is because I knew you'd react like this," Crystal said defiantly, and her father frowned at her.

"Enough of that attitude, young lady. That's no way to get what you want," he said sternly. Crystal fell silent and scowled at the floor.

From the living room, the ending theme of that TV soap that Silver liked to watch started playing, and Crystal's mother appeared in the doorway. She was the polar opposite of her husband- tall and slender, like a dancer, with her dark brown hair pulled so tightly into a bun atop her head that it stretched back the skin on her forehead and gave her an instant face-lift.

"Oh, stop embarrassing yourselves," she said briskly, brushing Crystal and her father apart. She stopped short when she saw me, and scrutinised me. I shuffled my feet nervously under her hard, piercing gaze.

"Oh Crystal," she sighed, shaking her head. "Really now. A bit young for you, isn't he?"

"I-I'm eighteen!" I said, and Crystal spoke over me.

"He's not my boyfriend!"

Her mother raised her head, stretching out her long neck even further so that she looked like an ageing swan. "Of course not darling. Though I must say I thought your tastes were..." she narrowed her eyes at me, "...taller."

I raised onto my toes slightly, and Crystal's mother chuckled lightly, covering her mouth with her hand. Her nails were painted pink.

"What's your name?" she asked me.

"G-Gold. Gold," I said, licking my lips anxiously. I attempted a smile, and she smiled back – but it wasn't a nice smile. More sneaky, like a serpent. It unnerved me.

"So, Gold, you've taken an interest in my daughter," she stated.

"N-No! I'm not..." I laughed nervously and rubbed the back of my neck. "I'm really not her boyfriend."

"Mmm," Crystal's mother replied, obviously not taking anything in. "And call me old-fashioned, but aren't you supposed to ask the parents' permission before courting a lady?"

I expected Crystal to speak up on my behalf here, but she was looking down at the floor and shuffling her feet, as was her father. It was obvious who wore the trousers in their house. Steeling myself, I knew I would have to speak for myself this time.

"Listen, Mrs... um..." I coughed and smiled sheepishly. "Me and Crystal really are just friends. We both work at the cafe; that's how we got to know each other. I'm not her boyfriend and I don't want to be. Our relationship is completely..." I struggled to find the right word. "Platonic!"

"Even so," Crystal father said, clearing his throat several times as he tried to regain status. "Young men these days, you can never be too careful. We've told you a hundred times, Crystal, you shouldn't be so reckless. After all, you're an attractive girl, and when you invite a boy to your house, he'll only be after one thing..."

"_Dad!_" Crystal cried. She turned to her mom. "Will you both _please_ just _listen_ to me?"

"Crystal, what have I told you about taking that tone with us?" her mother asked sternly, and Crystal deflated, but only slightly.

"Sorry Mom, but you don't understand!" she said. "Gold is..." She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled apologetically at me. "Gold is... a-a homosexual."

Her parents gaped at her, and I opened my mouth to protest – but was stopped when she jabbed me hard in the back and gave me a warning look.

"Excuse me?" her mother said, blinking at me.

"He's _gay_, Mom!" Crystal elaborated. "He has a _boyfriend! _He couldn't be interested in me."

Her mother didn't look convinced. "Is that true?" she asked suspiciously.

Crystal nodded enthusiastically, jabbing me again. I nodded too. "O-Oh yeah, completely," I said, trying to stop the nervous laugh that was building in my throat escaping. "I-I think I have a picture on my phone, if you want to see..."

It wasn't exactly a lie – I did have a picture, though it wasn't exactly undeniable proof of my flaming gayness. I had taken it one morning about a month ago, Silver had just woken up and was still in a zombie-like state. I'd slung an arm around his shoulders and told him to smile for the camera, and he had just groaned and waved tiredly at the phone in front of us. It could easily have just been a photo of two friends after a particularly bad hangover, and if Crystal's parents had asked to see it there was a good chance they wouldn't have believed me. But thankfully they both hurriedly turned down my offer. I snickered inwardly at what they must've thought the picture was of.

"So can he stay? Please, please, please!" Crystal begged, clasping her hands together in prayer.

Her parents looked at each other worriedly, and Crystal huffed again. "You never let me do anything!" she said, giving the classic spoiled brat line a go. It seemed to work, because her father raised his hands in defeat.

"Okay, _fine,_ if it'll make you happy," he said grudgingly. "But just for tonight!"

"Two nights?"

"_Two_ _nights _then!" he snapped, turning and heading back into the kitchen. Crystal let out a whoop of joy and leaped onto his back, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him hard.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she squealed. "You're the best daddy in the world!"

"Now, now," her father chastened, but he was smiling and had a merry glint back in his eyes.

"Come on, Gold, let's go to my room," Crystal said, beckoning me after her as she raced up the stairs. I shot her mother – who didn't look too happy about me staying, but couldn't very well send me away seeing as I'd already been given permission to stay - an apologetic smile before hurrying after her.

"I can't believe you did that," I muttered when we reached the landing.

"Shh, they'll hear you! Anyway, it's true," Crystal replied happily.

"I'm bisexual. _Bisexual!"_ I said. "There's a difference!"

"Whatever," Crystal said dismissively. "Come on, I want to show you my room!"

I had been to Crystal's house before, but never in her room. It was completely different to the rest of her house, which was all pastel colours and bright lights. Opening the door was like stepping into a different world, a small, dark cave lined with fairy lights and smelling of some strange, sweet perfume. She had all her favourite outfits – her purple gypsy skirt with the silver spangles, her green Statue of Liberty robe, the cheongsam she wore on her birthday – hung up outside her wardrobe, transforming it. On one side of the room there was a white dressing table cluttered with hundred of colourful little bottles. Perfume bottles. Crystal didn't wear perfume, but she probably liked the way all the different coloured glass reflected the light. Her windows were blocked out by black wooden blinds, and the mantle-piece below was littered with lots of exotic little trinkets. Porcelain animals, jewellery and those little dolls that open to reveal another doll inside.

She swept back the Indian-looking embroidered blanket from her bed and sat down on the plain duvet underneath. "Well, this is me," she announced proudly.

"Wow," I murmured, wandered over to the mantle-piece and examining all the little decorations there. She had opened all those little dolls and lined them up from biggest to smallest. I picked up the tiniest doll; it was no bigger than my little fingernail.

"Hey, be careful!" Crystal warned, jumping up. "It took me years to collect all those; don't break them."

"I won't!"

Crystal left her door open so that her parents wouldn't get suspicious, and they left us mainly alone for the rest of the evening. Crystal didn't want to risk us all eating dinner together, so we had a pot noodle each while playing cards in her room. We watched TV for a while, but then football came on and it made me think of Silver, and how we would always watch it together despite the fact that we both hated the game, and I didn't feel like watching any more. At nine, Crystal's father came in and told me to go to the spare room, and I obeyed, though I couldn't help thinking it was awfully early to be going to bed.

I lay awake in bed for ages, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. The beds in Crystal's house were too big and too hard. I wanted to be back on the lumpy, sunken mattress in the leaky apartment in Goldenrod. I wanted to be able to feel the warmth of Silver's body pressed up against mine, and listen to his breathing as he slowly drifted off to sleep.

A quiet knock on the door sprang me from my stupor.

"Gold?" Crystal whispered. "It's me. I'm going to unlock to door, so anything you don't want me to see, hide!"

There was a slight fumbling followed by a series of clicks, and the door eased open to reveal Crystal in her pink nightie, smiling at me. "Wanna come back to my room and talk for a bit?"

"Your parents will kill you."

"Let them try!" Crystal said, though she lowered her voice anyway. I grinned and hopped out of bed.

"I can't believe your parents lock you in," I whispered as we tiptoed down the landing. The house seemed even lonelier by night. Dead almost.

"Yeah. My dad did something to my window too, so it doesn't open as wide as it should. They think I'll try to escape or something," Crystal replied. She closed the door behind us as soon as we entered her grotto. Then she turned and grinned at me.

"So," she said playfully. "What do you want to watch first, 'Mean Girls' or 'PS I Love You'?"

We couldn't decide on which one to watch, mainly because I would feel embarrassed watching a movie about high school, teenage girls and cliques that brought back bad memories, but also didn't like 'PS I Love You' since I broke down in tears in the middle of the cinema and had a gang of ten-year-olds laughing at me. We ended up settling on good old 'Titanic' instead, and sat sniffling and munching the chocolate Crystal had raided from her kitchen.

After a while Crys said she was full, so I ended up eating the whole bar, plus the packet of salt and vinegar chips. By the end of the film I was feeling sick, but when Crystal turned the DVD player off, the TV started playing the post-game talk that reviewed the night's football, and I had to have a handful of marshmallows from the packet Crys kept hidden under her bed.

She shook her head at me. "You'll make yourself ill," she said.

"I think I already have," I groaned, curling up on the bed and rubbing my belly. She sighed and shuffled over to me, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Maybe I should call him," I said quietly. "Just to see if he's okay. I-I mean, what if there's a spider in the bath or something? He'd freak out and kill it; I don't want it to die..." I knew I was probably making no sense, but nothing made sense to me any more. My mind was a beehive buzzing with thoughts and ideas, but it was buzzing so loud that it drowned everything out and became an unintelligible roar.

I sat up and looked at Crystal sadly. "I love him," I whispered. "I really... I really love him."

"I know," she said, putting her arm around me. I was grateful for the contact.

Crystal put the TV on stand-by and we sat there for what felt like forever, leaning against each other. It was like she needed me as much as I needed her. Turning my head, I smiled weakly at her. She was such a good friend. She was such a good person. She never made me feel bad about myself, never said anything intentionally hurtful. And she was here, with me, and she wasn't pushing me away.

I kissed her.

I regretted it immediately. We both leaped back as if the other was red hot, covering our mouths and staring at each other.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry!" I whispered. "I didn't... I don't... Why did I do that?"

Crystal took a deep breath and wiped the look of shock off her face to replace it with an understanding smile. "It's okay, Gold," she told me.

"No, no, it's not..."

"I'm telling you, it's _fine._ I understand."

She didn't understand. It wasn't fine. She was trying to make me feel better but it wasn't working. I had kissed her – Crystal, my best friend – when the person I loved was probably lying awake in bed at this very moment. I hated myself. Silver would never kiss anyone but me.

_He would never kiss anyone but me._

"I... I'm going to bed," I said, getting up as fast as I could.

"O-Oh... well, goodnight," Crystal said uncertainly as I walked out the door.

She came with me to my room so she could relock the door. Lying down on the hard bed, I heard her padding back to her own room. I rubbed my swollen belly ruefully, wishing I hadn't eaten quite so much. Curling into a ball and rolling onto my side so that my hair clip poked into the side of my head, I couldn't help thinking I deserved to feel as ill as I did. I had betrayed Silver. Again. I couldn't accuse him of seeing things between me and Crystal that weren't really there now.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into my pillow. "I love you Silver. I'm sorry..."

I fell asleep apologising, and hoping that my return to Newbark would come sooner than expected.

–

**I really enjoyed writing this chapter - up until the part where Gold kissed Crystal. I think I could have written it a lot better than I did, but the inspiration just wouldn't come, not to mention I want to post this chapter before my mum yells at me to get off the laptop, which will probably be soon!**

**To say I was struggling with ideas for this chapter, it sure turned out long! I might have made a few of you quite angry with me because of the whole Gold/Crystal thing, but I hope to redeem myself with the next chapter! I have a feeling some of you are going to be very pleased.**

**I suppose I should apologise for the extensive use of cliches used here... but damn it, I _wanted_ to make Gold act like a cliche heartbroken girl! But I hearby offer my most sincere apologies to anyone who as a vendetta against cliches. Sorry, sorry!**

**On another note – over four hundred reviews? Holy cow, you guys, you're amazing! When I started writing this story, I was expecting to have maybe sixty to eighty reviews by the time I'd _finished_. I'm so glad that there are more people who like Gold/Silver!**


	32. Love and a Fight

I spent most of Sunday limping around Goldenrod. The stinging pain in my feet, the roar of the city and the hot sun beating down on me provided something of a distraction, though it couldn't fill the emptiness that had burrowed into me. The late August heat seared my skin. I had always been pale; on my wrists and arms, my veins were easily visible through the sickly white skin. I rarely went uncovered, and summers in Johto tended to be mild, so I never bothered with sunscreen, but it was so hot and I began to sweat so much that I was forced to remove my jacket.

Within an hour my face and arms were scorched bright red. I kept casting disdainful glances at myself in shop windows as I walked by. I looked horrible, the colour of my face clashing with the colour of my hair. I recalled the previous summer, how Gold had pestered me constantly to go to the beach with him. I had flatly refused and he had gone with Ruby and Sapphire instead. He never used sunscreen, but he never needed to. He could go out in tropical heat and wouldn't get so much as a slight rash. When we were kids, still travelling, he would slather my white skin in two inches of factor one-million sunscreen so that I would be even whiter by the time summer was over. I would curl up in the shadows and watch him enviously as his olive skin turned mahogany.

I got into a fight because of my sunburn. As evening feel and I headed back to my apartment, a kid from one of the gangs that hung around the estate yelled something stupid at me. His friends laughed, and I stopped in my tracks. Normally I would have done my best to ignore them, but I was running on such a short fuse that I just couldn't let it slide. They started hooting and yelling even more when I walked over to them, asking whether I was a man or just a fucking ugly chick.

I should've known better than to pick a fight with gang members. There were only three of them, but they could've been armed to the teeth, and probably were – I was just lucky it was light out and there were still people on the streets. I didn't regret what I did though. It felt good to hurt someone. Make them bleed. Even though I ended up pinned against a wall with a flurry of fists raining down on me until a passer-by shouted at us that he would call the police.

It hadn't a month since my beating at the Greenpeace march, and the various cuts I had accumulated there had opened up again and were spouting fresh blood. I was a mess by the time I got back to my flat, dripping all over the floor. I tried to discreetly wipe it away with the heel of my shoe, but I just ended up smudging it. I had to wipe it up with a dishcloth after I had showered. If Mrs Bellamy woke up to find blood all over her doorstep, she might be tempted to perform a citizen's arrest.

I must've hit my head harder than I thought, because I couldn't look up without spears of pain shooting down my spine, and my neck felt far weaker than usual. My chin kept falling against my chest as every now and then the strength in my neck disappeared and let my head droop forward.

I overslept the next morning because of my head. I dragged myself into work three hours late and was greeted by a very irritated Blue.

"Good God, what happened to you?" she exclaimed upon my arrival. I rolled my eyes and said nothing. She was overreacting; I didn't look that bad. Apart from a particularly nasty black eye and swollen lip, I didn't look much different from when had only been sporting the wounds from the Greenpeace march. Blue wouldn't listen though, and gave me a thorough chewing out for being more interested in sticking my nose where it wasn't wanted than getting to work on time. She's learned a long time ago that when I showed up with a bloody nose or bust lip, it was always my own fault.

After about a minute I zoned out and Blue's voice became just an irritating buzz in my ears. She stopped to serve a customer, then gave up altogether and started babbling excitedly about how she had been accepted for an interview at _The Golden Times_, Goldenrod's local newspaper.

"Silver," she sighed, halting her speech and turning to me. "You're not listening to a word I'm saying."

"What?"

"See!"

I groaned and held my aching head in my hands, my neck still weak. Blue folded her arms and gave me a sceptical look.

"Okay, what happened?" she demanded. I flinched involuntarily at her words.

"Nothing," I muttered. It was true. Apart from walking around and getting beaten up, nothing had happened. Gold hadn't called. I'd expected him to, after he had tried so hard to convince me that he and Crystal weren't an item. I thought he'd try to explain. It wasn't like I'd spent ages sitting next to the phone, just in case.

"When you say 'nothing' it always means 'something'," Blue pointed out. "Why can't you be straight with me for once?" Her lips twitched after she said it, as if she were about to laugh. It took me a while before I got it.

"Yeah, real funny," I said, scowling at her. She gave a nervous chuckle and smiled apologetically at me.

"Sorry," she said. "Seriously though, Silver, you haven't been in a fight in so long, and now you're suddenly getting beaten up every other day? Something must've happened."

"I'm telling you, it's nothing!" I snapped, turning away so I was facing out into the shop. There were a few people browsing, but it was mainly empty. The place usually only got busy in the afternoon. I cleared my throat and stared straight ahead. "I broke up with... We broke up. It's nothing."

I could feel Blue's troubled expression without having to look at her. I took a deep breath. "I'm fine."

"Silver..."

"He likes Crystal, okay?" I interrupted. "It doesn't matter; I don't care."

"Yes, you do," Blue said quietly. Before I could even open my mouth to argue, my ears were assaulted with a deafening yell.

"_Hi, Silver!"_

Both Blue and I shrieked and jumped about a foot in the air. The roll of blank receipts Blue was holding was hurled into the air. It unravelled as it fell and landed across us like a long paper ribbon. Green cracked up laughing, and I repressed a shudder. That bastard. Though his greeting had gotten marginally better. I supposed he'd finally got it through his thick skull that there were ways to make my jump without grabbing my ass.

"Very mature, Green!" Blue said irritably, picking up the receipts and rolling them back up. "What do you want?"

"Hey, hey!" Green said, holding up his hands and raising his eyebrows, looking innocently wounded. "I'm sorry, all right? It gets lonely in my department, with no-one but my supervisor to keep me company. 'You need to apply yourself, young man'! She's not even hot."

"Speaking of your supervisor, where is she?" Blue queried.

"She's on her break." Green sauntered over to the front of the counter and leaned an elbow on it. "So I thought I'd grace you with my presence. No need to thank me, I can see you're grateful." He turned to me. "Silver! What's up; usually you'd be all over me by now."

"Fuck you, Green," I muttered. Green laughed and snapped his fingers.

"Zing! That was brilliant, you sure showed me."

"Shut up."

"Oh, another one! Where do you come up with this stuff?"

I rolled my eyes and grunted, looking away.

"That was the best one yet," Green remarked, wagging a finger at me.

Blue swiped at him. "Leave him alone, Green," she said.

"Oh, bad day?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at my bruised face. "...You look great this morning, by the way."

"Ha ha," I said sarcastically. If he liked my black eye so much I could always give him one, free of charge.

Green turned momentarily serious. "You don't look so good, man," he commented. "What happened, your girlfriend run off with a pimp?"

I bit my lip and glared at him. His eyes widened and he gawked at me like a fish out of water. "No way," he said. His voiced raised to almost a squeal. "No fucking way! You're joking right? Tell me you're joking."

"It was not a pimp," I hissed.

Green laughed again, and shook his head. "Aw man, Silver." He reached over, grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me an affectionate little shake. "That's got to hurt. Don't take it so hard, it was going to happen anyway. You should go drinking with me and the guys tonight, drown your sorrows and all that."

I barely heard his last sentence as every muscle in my body tensed. "What do you mean, it was going to happen anyway?" I asked quietly.

Green pulled away, oblivious. "Well, come on Silver, you're not exactly boyfriend material," he said plainly. "You know what I mean – the whole prideful, emo, 'I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass' deal. And you're not much to look at either, if you don't mind me saying." Blue glared at him and he quickly straightened up, adding, "B-But hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder!"

"Shut the fuck up, Green," I muttered and Green raised his eyebrows and hummed to himself.

"I'm just saying," he said innocently. "You didn't expect it to last forever, did you?"

I didn't know what to think of that. What _did_ I expect? I'd never thought about it before – the whole idea of sticking by your best-friend-turned-something-more until you were old and grey and sitting on your porch yelling at the kids playing on your lawn was kind of weird. Not something you think about when you're nineteen. I hadn't expected it to last forever. But I hadn't expected it to end, either.

"I might not know you as well as Blue here," Green went on waving a hand absently in Blue's direction. She was shooting him warning looks, which he was ignoring. "But I've picked up on a few things, and from what you say it sounds like your girl is totally into you. And you wouldn't have been with her if you didn't like her too, right?"

"Of course I wouldn't," I spat.

"Well, you should've showed it!" Green said. "I mean, would it kill you to tell her you loved her once in a while? Or to, I don't know, not push her away whenever she made a move? Here's a crazy thought, maybe _you_ could've made the first move sometimes!"

I didn't like the way he was talking to me. Lecturing me. Like he was better than me.

"Let me get this straight," I said. "_You_ are telling _me_ how I should handle my relationship? You, the fucking town bicycle?"

"Hey!" Blue cried, stepping forward. "Silver, you're out of order. Green, for goodness sake, learn when to keep your mouth shut! You're not helping."

"No, no, if he wants to get personal, let him," Green said, smirking and stepping up to me. "Say what you like, Silver, but you're the one left out in the cold. You're the one who's so selfish that you can't see how much your girlfriend is hurting. You're the one who can't see that your stupid pride was what drove you apart. You're the one so obsessed with yourself and your own damn needs that you forgot about hers!"

"That's _enough_, Green," Blue warned. She looked up at me worriedly; I suppose I looked pretty dangerous. I was breathing hard and glaring at Green with such an intensity that I was surprised he didn't burst into flames. I wished he would.

Blue put her hand on my arm. "Don't listen to him," she told me.

"Yeah, that's right, don't listen to Big Bad Green," Green said smugly, folding his arms and giving me a triumphant little nod. "After all, you obviously didn't care enough about your girlfriend to let go of your petty little issues."

"Say that again," I hissed, my fists clenching at my sides. "Go on. Say it."

"Oh boy, he's getting angry!" Green said, whistling, not knowing just how close he was getting to a punch in the face. "Sorry man, but the truth hurts. Don't blame me; somebody had to say it." He shrugged and went on. "Think about it. How many times has she kissed you or complimented you, and instead of taking it you just call her stupid and push her away? How many times has she tried to talk to you, and you didn't have time for her – but when you needed someone, she was always there? How many times have you given out to her without her doing the same for you first?"

I didn't mean to, but I started counting. Just to prove Green wrong, to assure myself that I wasn't as self-centred as he said. But everything started adding up. How many times had I kissed him – once? Twice? It couldn't have been more than that.

I bit back the lump rising in my throat. Green wasn't right. He couldn't be.

"Shut up. You don't know anything," I said.

"I know enough!" Green jeered. Blue was shaking her head, her face buried in her hands.

"Green, please..."

He ignored her. "I know about you, Silver, and the stupid complex you have over being weak. I guess you think being honest with yourself makes you vulnerable or something. Well guess what? Seems to me there's only one person in this relationship who has the balls to put themselves on the line, and it's not you!"

Who did he think he was? He didn't know me. He didn't know _us._ Gold didn't mind doing all the work. He gave, I took. That was the way it was; the way it _always_ was. Why should falling in love change any of that? It wasn't like... It wasn't as if...

It wasn't as if Green was _right_. Just because Gold was so open about his feelings, while I would hide them away. Just because he was brave enough to put his heart on his sleeve, again and again, never faltering no matter how many times I would reject him. Just because I was too proud to ever let slip that I didn't hate him as much as I'd have him know. Just because I didn't want to let my guard down. Just because I didn't want to get hurt.

Except I had.

I didn't notice that I was trembling until Blue touched my shoulder.

"Silver?" she said quietly. "Are you okay?"

"He just can't handle the truth," Green said flippantly. He leaned back against the counter and smirked at me. "Really, it's not surprising she didn't cheat on you sooner."

I dived at him. I was over the counter in two seconds flat and in five I had him pinned to the floor, my legs straddling either side of his body as I brought my fists down wildly on his face again and again. He was yelling. Blue was screaming. Customers were running. I didn't care.

"_You don't know anything! You don't know anything!"_

I seized him by the front of his shirt and wrenched him up to face me. He flinched and tried to cover his face. Behind his hands, I saw his nose was bleeding badly, and his lower lip was split down the middle.

"_Do you hear me?"_ I screamed in his face, shaking him roughly so that his teeth clacked together. He took advantage of my temporary stillness and brought his knee up between my legs. A cheap shot. I should've expected it from him.

I doubled over and tipping to one side, allowing Green to scramble away.

"Y-You're fucking crazy!" he choked out, clutching his face. He lowered his hands and looked at the blood in horror. I gave a satisfied grunt. It'd take weeks, possibly months, for Green to get his precious pretty face back to normal. I hoped his nose was broken, and that he ended up stuck with a disfigured lump in the middle of his face for the rest of his life. That way, whenever he looked in the mirror, he'd remember never to mess with me again.

"_You two!"_ a family voice echoed from across the room. From where we lay side-by-side on the floor, Green and I looked towards the stairway to find a distraught Blue and a Sarah who looked all set to sprout wings and breathe fire.

She jabbed a finger at me, then Green, her face turning from pink to puce. "My office, _now!"_

We both got fired. We trailed out into the street outside the store, our ears still ringing and Green's nose still bleeding.

Speaking of Green, he was whining like a little bitch over the loss of both his beautiful face and his crappy job.

"What am I going to do? I can't go back to Gramps now, not after what I said!" he wailed. He turned on me, waving and sending a spray of blood spattering across my face. "This your fault, fuckhead. Crazy son-of-a-bitch! If you hadn't attacked me-"

"If you'd just kept your mouth shut I wouldn't have," I snapped, reaching out and slapping the hand that he held over his nose back on his face. He howled in pain, before stifling it and doing a twisty little dance on the pavement.

"Fuck you," he gasped, blood dripping between his fingers. I sighed and grabbed a handful of chestnut-coloured hair, yanking his head back roughly. I moved his hand to the bridge of his nose, guiding his fingers into a tight pinch to stem the flow of blood.

"Ow! What the hell?"

"It'll stop the bleeding," I muttered, looking away.

Green strained his neck to look at me. Then, keeping his head tipped back, he reach into his back pocket and brought out a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. He lit one for himself and sucked on it desperately. He released the smoke from his lips with a deep sigh, and he slumped, noticeably more relaxed. "Oh yeah," he breathed. "I forgot how good a cigarette after a fight felt. It's the second best feeling in the world."

"What's the first?" I asked, merely out of curiosity.

"A cigarette after sex, of course," he replied, laughing slightly. His bloody nose meant that his voice had taken on a nasally sound, and his laugh made him sound like he was on helium. He offered my the packet, and I pushed it away. He shrugged. "Suit yourself."

We stood there in silence for a while. I was still seething, though finally being able to give Green what was coming to him had made me feel a little better. It was just a shame it had to be at the expense of my job. Without Gold, there was nothing coming in, and the month's rent was almost due.

Green slowly lowered his head and removed his hand from his nose. "Hey, it worked!" he exclaimed as blood failed to spout forth like a glorious scarlet fountain. He turned to me, smiling weakly. "You really pack a punch, you know that?"

The corner of my mouth twitched, but I refused to let myself smile and just carried on staring straight ahead.

Green chuckled and patted my shoulder. "Hey..." he said awkwardly. "I haven't exactly made things easy for you lately, have I?"

I didn't reply and he laughed nervously and leaned back against the wall of the store. "Oh, and now I'm getting the silent treatment. You're such a girl, don't be surprised if I treat you like one!" he said amusedly. Then he nudged me with his elbow. "I guess I kind of deserved this, huh?" he said, jerking a thumb towards his blood-stained face.

I looked at him properly for the first time. "You think?" I snapped.

"Hey, I'd let you hit me again if I wasn't so sexy," he said. "I'm bust up enough as it is! Not that I can't rely on my awesome physique to get me by." He stepped away from the wall and struck a pose. He looked so ridiculous, all pouty and sultry-eyed with brown blood wiped all over his face, that I couldn't help but smile lightly. I looked down quickly to hide it, and Green hopped up to me eagerly.

"You smiled, I'm off the hook!" he cried. "What can I say, you can't stay mad at the Green giant! Must be my irresistible charm."

"You wish," I muttered. I looked up at him, then almost screamed when two bare white arms snaked around his waist and a dark-haired head appeared beside his, leaning it's chin on his shoulder and staring at me with emotionless eyes.

I stumbled back. "_You!"_ I cried.

The man nodded at me. "Hello," he said, before turning his head and planting a kiss on Green's neck. Green inhaled sharply, before letting out a resigned sigh.

My jaw dropped. Green gave me a withering look before untangling himself from the dark-haired man's arms and giving him an annoyed little push. "How many times, idiot? I only know you on a Saturday night," he hissed. He turned to me with a sigh. "Oh, don't look so surprised; it's nothing like _that," _he said. "We're sex friends. Friends who have sex."

He gestured between us. "Silver, this is Red. Red this is Silver – the only guy I know who doesn't want sex with me." He waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, and I let out a disgusted growl. Green grinned and turned to Red. "He's just playing hard to get."

Red placed a finger under Green's chin and tilted his head up, peering at his bloody nose. "What happened to your face?" he asked.

Green rolled his eyes. "I'll explain later. But for now, you might want to ask Princess there."

"I thought you said his name was Silver?" Red was completely serious. Green mumbled something under his breath and tried to back away. Red caught his hips and pulled him closer.

"Get off," he muttered – but he didn't try to fight him off. I could only stare as they started kissing, right there in the middle of the street. Green reached down and moved Red's hands to cup his bottom, then leaned his head to one side and guided Red's head down to kiss his neck. I could feel my face going red and I looked away.

Green whooped with laughter when they finally stopped and their audience departed. "Your face, Gingey!" he said. He backed up against Red, bobbing up and down so that their bodies rubbed together. "He's so cute, he thinks that because we kiss, it must mean something." He pressed his ass back against Red's crotch and ground against him, and what had only been a slight heat in my cheeks erupted into burning flames. That they would do that... right there, in the middle of the street! With everyone watching!

Red gripped Green's hips, pushed him firmly away and spun him round to face him. He dipped his head and brushed Green's hair back to whisper something in his ear. Green grumbled and turned his head away. "Not this again..."

Red caught his chin and brought him back to face him. Then he kissed him on the tip of his sore nose. Under the bloodstains Green's face took on a dark pink colour, and he pushed Red away. "I'll get you for this!" he warned with a smirk, before heading back to the entrance to the store.

"W-Where are you going?" I asked.

"To beg Sarah for my job back!" Green said. He directed a wink at me and Red before disappearing into the shop. I scowled at the ground. And he had the nerve to call _me_ gay!

Red inched over to me, nodding in Green's direction. "I'm working on him," he told me mysteriously. I choked on my own spit, and turned and walked down the street as fast as I could without calling it running.

–

**I quite like this chapter! Sadly I can't write much of an A/N because my mum is nagging me to get off the computer, but I'll just say that I hope I've done the right thing by adding a little Red/Green! It seems a lot of people were hoping for it, so I hope it made you happy!**


	33. Love and Crystal

Crystal's parents weren't actually that bad as long as you went by their rules and didn't answer back. I was scared to address them by their first names, so I called them 'sir' and 'ma'am', which I think they quite liked (though Crystal would glare at me and pinch my arm when I did it). Despite their initial hostility, by Wednesday they were treating me like their long-lost son.

"So, Gold," Crystal's mom said over dinner that evening. "You work at that dreadful cafe too, don't you? I suppose it's good for a bit of pocket change, but it's not really a proper job. What are you planning on doing in the future?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, forgetting to swallow the mouthful of food I was chewing first. Crystal's dad had made steak and chips for dinner, and after about a month of almost nothing sandwiches and ready-meals, I couldn't get it down my throat fast enough. I hurriedly covered my mouth and swallowed before I was ready, making my chest burn.

"Goodness, boy, slow down! It's not going to disappear right in front of you," Crystal's mom scolded. I smiled apologetically, and she went on. "I was saying, what are you planning on for the future? Crystal's hopeless, she has no idea. And she had so much potential too."

"Mom, please, not this again," Crystal begged from beside me, and I looked at her questioningly. She purposely avoided my eyes and shoved a forkful of chips into her mouth.

"Manners, Crystal! Ladylike bites," her mother said wisely. Crystal rolled her eyes, and she pointed her knife at her warningly. "And less of the attitude! So, Gold, any ideas?"

"Um, well, I haven't really thought about it..." I admitted sheepishly.

"What did you do at college?"

I bit my lip, feeling they wouldn't take too kindly to my reply. "A-Actually, I didn't go to college. I was too stupid." I started laughing nervously. Crystal's mom didn't say anything, but I could practically hear her thinking about how I couldn't possibly marry her precious daughter if I didn't even have a college-level education.

Crystal's father broke the silence. "Ah, me neither. Crystal took after her old man there! You're just lucky you got your mother's looks, sweetheart," he said, turning to Crystal. She gave him a forced-looking smile.

"Really though, Crystal, you should start thinking about the future. You can't be a _waitress_ for the rest of your life; I'd never live it down," her mother butted in. Crystal groaned.

"Mom, not in front of Gold, please," she pleaded. Her mother looked surprised, as if she'd momentarily forgotten me, then smiled.

"Oh, sorry Gold," she said. "Tell me then, what did you do at school? What were you good at?"

I thought for a moment. School hadn't really been the best time of my life, and I hadn't come out of it with much to show for myself. I had failed PE and gotten only Cs in most other subjects. My best subjects had been the 'arty' ones – and I knew how those were generally looked upon. "Theatre studies," I decided on, choosing the classiest-sounding title I could think of.

Crystal's mom's forehead creased slightly, but her dad just laughed. "Crystal too! It's a shame you went to different schools. You two could've been best friends." I was pleased that at least _he_ seemed to have taken in my confession of homosexuality. He was still a little edgy about being left alone with me for some reason, but at least he wasn't convinced that I was after Crystal's virginity any more. Her mom didn't look so sure. But then again, she did seem like the brains of the outfit.

"You were such a good little actress, Crystal. You could've been on the stage. Why ever did you quit?" she asked.

"I don't _want_ to be on the stage, Mom," Crystal replied.

"Well, what _do_ you want?"

"I don't know," she said, adding, "yet. I'm only eighteen, I have plenty of time to decide."

Her mom didn't look too satisfied with her swift dismissal, but she said nothing more on the subject. Her dad started blathering on to me about his precious little princess, and how she had brought boys home before and they had all been the same – young punks who wanted nothing more than to get into her bed. Crystal went pink at this and cried out in protest. He didn't listen. He _knew_ that that Aaron was bad news behind that cute face. But it was okay! I was different! No man would ever _want_ to be thought of as gay, after all.

I wasn't sure whether to feel guilty or offended.

After dinner, Crystal's parents went out somewhere, leaving me and Crystal together in the house. I was happy to know that they trusted me enough to be left alone with her – though they gave her a key and left strict instructions to lock her bedroom door at seven on the dot. She didn't though, and when I went into her room after I had showered and changed into my pyjamas, she was sprawled out on her bed with her bidoof beside her, cutting out sections from a newspaper and placing them in a box at the foot of her bed. She was wearing nothing but her bra and knickers.

"Sorry!" I blurted, quickly covering my eyes. She jumped and looked up at me.

"Oh! Sorry Gold, I didn't notice you," she said sheepishly, dragging herself to the edge of her bed, retrieving her pyjama bottoms and pulling them on. "Come in; it's okay."

She seemed so unaffected by the whole situation that I relaxed and did as I was told. I settled down on the floor and pulled the box of newspaper scraps towards me. I began flipping through them idly. Most were the most bizarre headlines: _Milk drinkers and turning to powder; Dancing in the streets after gay sex is legalised in India; Postal worker, 99, quits because she's pregnant._ I rooted through them all. At the bottom of the bow were lots of little slithers of paper; at first I thought they were just rubbish, but when I looked closer I saw that they were actually snippets of text from different articles. '_I hope people will focus on my acting rather than my bottom as I've been putting rather a lot into it'._ I marvelled at the amount of time and care Crystal must have spent cutting them all out.

"They're for my wall," she told me as she struggled to unhook her bra. "When I get enough I'm going to make them into wallpaper. Look." She leaned over and took the wad of paper from my hand and quickly flicked through them. Plucking a rather large sheet from the the bunch, she handed it to me. It was a black and white photograph with the headline _'Greenpeace riot leaves dozens injured'_. The picture was darkly artistic, chaotic yet controlled at the same time. It was obvious the photographer knew what they were doing. The background was a black mass of people, and the foreground provided the tragic face of the riot.

It was quite clearly Crystal. She looked like she was shouting, her head turned to one side as she was forcibly dragged away by a hand hooked around her elbow – probably Eusine. Under her arm she hid a terrified Yellow, who was burying her face in Crystal's chest and clinging to her desperately.

"They wanted to interview me too," Crystal said proudly. Her face fell. "But my parents wouldn't allow it."

She went back to fighting with her bra, and I was careful not to look. Eventually she gave up and turned her back to me.

"Help me out, will you?" she asked.

"What?"

"My bra, it's stuck. If you could just..."

"Oh, right..." I sucked in a deep breath and raised my hands to her back. I knew instinctively that we shouldn't be doing this, especially not after our kiss on Monday (which Crystal had refused to even mention, and which I had been too cowardly to bring up). I got nervous just using Crystal's bathroom, with her underwear strewn all over the place. Taking off her bra was too much; my fingers were trembling as I took hold of the white elastic strap.

Behind her where she couldn't see, I couldn't help looking. Her body was so different from anything else I'd ever seen. She wasn't like the women in the porn magazines, who were all glistening brown curves, wide hips and tiny waists. She was curved, but not in the way those women were, who looked like if they were dropped on the floor their supple skin would simply bounce them back to their feet. Not in the way I was either, with curves in the wrong places and extra inches here and there. She looked solid and strong, yet soft at the same time. Her hips were wide, but she didn't have a tiny waist or large chest. Her skin was untanned, white. Not as white as Silver though. Nobody was as white as Silver. I thought about him and his body, all sharp angles and jutting bones. Except he never let me see, and hid himself under the baggiest clothes possible.

After quite a bit of fumbling I managed to unhook Crystal's bra. But when I did, I didn't dare let go. It was just _different_ seeing a woman topless as opposed to a man. It wasn't done.

"Did you get it?" Crystal asked, oblivious.

I swallowed. "Yeah."

"Thanks," she said, reaching back and taking the straps from my hands. Then she pulled the thing off completely and tossed it heedlessly across the room. She leaned forward to pick up her pyjama top, and though she still had her back to me I caught a glimpse of her breast, swinging slightly as she reached out. I felt my face burning. This was bad. This was terrible. I couldn't do this.

Pulling on her top, Crystal scooted around to face me with a smile, only to be surprised by the sight of me hiding my head in my arms.

"What's wrong?" she asked innocently.

"Aren't you worried?" I said. "Th-That I might... you know..."

She let out a bark of laughter. "Somebody call the police, there's a sex offender in my house!"

"That's not what I meant!" I said, laughing. "I meant, aren't you worried that I might... fall in love with you?"

"Not even a little bit," she replied seriously, her laughter dying on her lips.

"But why?"

"Because," she told me simply, "you're in love with Silver."

I lowered my gaze. I _was_ in love with Silver. I knew that. I'd known for years. But it wasn't a type of love I wanted. Love was supposed to be warm and passionate and caring. It was supposed to be good and equal. It was supposed to make you feel safe and wanted. What I had with Silver wasn't any of those things. And yet I loved him anyway.

"...He didn't make me happy," I said quietly. The admission was painful, but I had to say it. "I felt bad about myself when I was with him."

Crystal sighed and plucked her bidoof off her bed and set him down on her lap. She stroked him as she talked. "Has he called you?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I switched my phone off." I knew Silver would never let himself be the one to call first. He was too stubborn, too proud. But if by some minute chance his finger slipped and he accidentally pressed the 'call' button under my number, I didn't want to know. If he called me, I knew I wouldn't be able to resist picking up.

"Don't you want to be with him any more?" Crystal asked quietly.

I sighed. "I don't know," I said truthfully. I wanted to be with him more than anything, but at the same time, I didn't. I didn't want to suffer any more. And I didn't want to make him suffer.

There was a long pause. "Well!" Crystal burst out suddenly, sounding forcibly upbeat. "Here, hold Hammy." She thrust the bidoof into my arms and leaped over her bed, swinging her arm down the small gap between the mattress and the wall. When she brought her hand back out, she was holding her phone.

"Eusine's away again, but we've been keeping in touch," she explained, flipping the screen open and texting so fast that her fingers were just a blur. "We're not 'official' yet, but I think he might just like me!"

"Do your parents know?" I asked.

Crystal snorted and raised her eyebrows at me. "You're joking right? You've seen what they're like," she said. "Eusine's _twenty-eight!"_

I winced just imagining their reaction. They'd never let her out of the house again. Crystal sighed and let the hand holding her phone drop to her side.

"They make me so mad sometimes," she grumbled. "I know they worry about me, but – _ugh!_ It's like I'm trapped in here! The other week my dad said if I didn't behave he'd put bars on my window, and I don't think he was joking either." She hung her head. "I'm eighteen, not eight. They just don't want to believe I'm not their little girl any more."

I inched closer to her so hat we were sat side-by-side, and put my arm around her. "They only do it because they love you," I tried. I knew how stupid and cliché I must've sounded.

"They love me too much!" she said, forcing a laugh. "They're scared of letting me think for myself in case I get hurt. It's like I'm a car and they're trying to steer me in their direction. Or a colouring book that they're trying to fill in with their favourite colours."

"It's not like that," I said gently, tightening my arm around her and giving her a quick hug.

"Isn't it?" she asked, reaching over and giving Hammy's neck a little scratch. "Why do you think I dress like this, Gold? I'll tell you. It's because I've spent so long trying to be the person my parents – my _mom_ – wants me to be that I don't know who I am any more. I guess I'm trying to find myself."

I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I didn't say anything at all. It was inconceivable to me that Crystal could have even a tiny bit of insecurity in her. She was always so bubbly and confident. Heck, she wasn't even embarrassed about whipping off her bra right in front of me!

"Remember at dinner today?" Crystal spoke up again. "Mom said I had 'so much potential'." She put on a silly, posh-sounding voice and wiggled her head so that her ponytails bounced.

"Yeah. What was she talking about?"

"I'll tell you if you'll let me! You know when we were kids, when I still lived in Newbark?" she said. I nodded in response, and she continued. "Well, remember how I used to do ballet? My mom loved ballet. She danced herself when she was my age, went on the stage, won all sorts of competitions. She still keeps all her old medals and trophies in her room. She met my dad through dancing, you know. He was a stage-hand. Anyway, about a year after she married him I came along and ruined her figure. By the time I was out of the cradle, she was too old to dance any more. So," she took a deep breath and sighed, "she got this idea that I should be a dancer too. Carry on her legacy and all that. She sent me to private lessons, bought me all the gear, made me take exams. It must've cost her a fortune."

I vaguely remembered seeing Crystal in a pink leotard and frilly skirt a few times, when she and her mother were getting into their car. The seat of her leotard was always dusty from sitting on the floor, and her tights were always streaked with ladders.

"Didn't you like it?" I asked her.

"I hated it!" she said viciously. "I wasn't even good. I passed all my exams just fine, but I was always the bottom of my class. They always put me at the very back when we went on stage so nobody could see me. Even my teacher thought I was a hopeless case. She tried to tell my mom, said my body type wasn't right for ballet, but she wouldn't listen. She thought I _liked_ dancing."

I thought about Crystal's mom, and her long, slender body. I compared her to Crystal, chunky and plain, more suited to football, netball or hockey than dancing.

"So she put me on a diet. Six months living on celery!" she cried. "Eventually I couldn't take it any more and told her, Mom, I don't want to dance any more, I don't like it."

"And what did she say?" I asked.

"What do you think?" she replied sadly. "I was getting the 'I'm so disappointed' lecture for months. Dad wasn't angry, but he nearly always takes Mom's side, so he didn't say anything about it." She leaned her head on my shoulder and sighed. "Sometimes I think I should've just done as I was told and be a dancer. That way at least I'd know where I was going. It's like I'm going in circles."

"That makes two of us," I mumbled. "But like you said, you still have time." I reached over and put my hand on her arm. I must've been squashing Hammy a bit because he began to squirm in my arms. "I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but... well, y-you're really important to me. I mean, you're my friend. You're kind and I like you a lot. For you. I don't really get all this 'finding yourself' stuff, but I think that no matter who you are or what you wear... you'll always mean a lot to me." I suddenly began blushing furiously as I realised just how mushy and ridiculous I must've sounded. Sure, I was mushier than a lot of guys, but I usually didn't put those thoughts into words. It was amazing how girls always found it so easy to understand and comfort people without feeling awkward. I always found it easier to offer a simple hug. At least then I didn't have to embarrass myself by messing things up.

"Sorry, I'm not making much sense, am I?" I said, looking nervously down at her.

She just smiled and hooked her hand around mine. "Thanks, Gold," she said. "You're a good friend."

"But that's all I am!" I assured quickly.

"Yeah, that's all," Crystal laughed in reply.

I yelped suddenly as Hammy sunk his large front teeth into my arm. I leaped to my feet, sending the furry monster flying. He hit the floor, bounced and rolled a few times before landing on his feet and scurrying across the room. Crystal dived for him, but missed and landed face-first on the carpet as he disappeared behind her wardrobe. She pressed herself into the corner between her wall and the wardrobe, closing one eye, trying to get a better look. "Hammy, come out of there!"

"Sorry," I said. "I think I was squashing him."

Crystal simply sighed. "It's okay, he can't stay there forever. This place is like a prison, he'll never get out." She reached for her phone again to check her texts: there were none. She looked at me sadly. "You're going to Newbark tomorrow, aren't you? I wanted you to say longer. Why don't you come back after you visit your mom? It's closer to work than the pokemon centre, and my parents don't mind you!"

"Yeah, why not," I grinned. Then I hissed and held my arm to my chest. Hammy had taken a reasonable chunk out of my skin, leaving two sharp slices across the top of my arm.

"You're bleeding! Should I phone the hospital?" Crystal asked worriedly.

"I think I'll be okay..."

"But what if it gets infected? You might get rabies and go all twitchy and start foaming at the mouth," Crystal told me, sounding almost excited at the prospect. "I'd better phone the accident and emergency so they can give you a shot." She reached for her phone, then stopped. Then, quick a a wink, she skipped out of the room and returned with _my_ phone instead.

"I need to save the money on my phone in case Eusie calls!" she explained. After a bit of experimenting with buttons, she managed to switch my phone on. Her eyes widened in surprise as she looked at the screen. "Gold! You have like ten missed calls!"

"_What?"_ I frowned. That couldn't be right; I hardly got any calls as it was. I snatched the phone from her hands to check for myself. Missed call, Tuesday, four o'clock. Missed call, Tuesday, seven o'clock. Missed call, Wednesday, ten o'clock... The list went on and on.

Mom had been calling me, and I had been unwittingly ignoring her. Feeling terrible, I hurriedly checked the time. Just past eight, she and Graham would still be up. I pressed the 'call' button.

It barely rung twice before she picked up. "Gold! Thank goodness; I thought I wouldn't get hold of you in time."

"Sorry Mom, I, uh, lost my phone," I said, using the most believable excuse I could come up with. "What did you call for? Are you okay?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I just wanted to tell you not to come tomorrow. There's a bug going round a the moment – I think it's flu or something. Anyway, it's an epidemic! Gray can't even get out of bed." She sounded upbeat, but tired. I hoped she wasn't wearing herself out taking care of Graham.

"Maybe I should come and help?" I offered, but she cut me off.

"Oh, no, no! I don't want you getting sick too. You're like your father; if there's something going round, you'll catch it! Plus there's a new girl here kicking up a bit of a fuss. You know the sort – big city folk," she said. "I just wanted to see if we could wait a week or so for your visit. I'll call you when things are less hectic, okay?"

"Um, okay," I said uncertainly. "You're not ill are you?"

"Me? Oh, don't be silly! Have you ever known me to get anything more than a cold?" she said dismissively. "I've just been a little sick in the morning, but it's really nothing. Give me a week and I'll be fit as a fiddle."

I cringed. "Well,, if you're sure," I said. "See you later Mom. Love you."

"I love you too. I'll call you when it's safe!"

She hung up. I turned to Crystal who was looking at me strangely.

"What's happened?" she asked.

"There's a sickness going round Newbark or something," I replied.

She frowned. "That's all?"

"Yeah..." I murmured. Crystal hadn't even listened to the full conversation and she could tell something was up. Mom wasn't acting like her usual self. She was always the first to dismiss illness, claiming that carrying on as normal was the best cure. Maybe she just didn't want me there.

I sat down on the bed and began deleting the missed calls. Crystal sat down beside me and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Hey," she said encouragingly. "I'm sure she's just worried about you, that's all. What are you staring at? Why are your eyes bugging out like that, huh?" She leaned over my shoulder to get a better look at my phone, which I was staring at in disbelief.

Missed call, Wednesday, six o'clock.

Caller: Silver. Length of call: two seconds.

He had called me. Just for a moment. _Tonight. _I didn't know what to think. I thought he was angry at me. Maybe that was it. Maybe he just wanted to give me a piece of his mind. Heck, maybe it wasn't even Silver who had made the call. Maybe Blue or Green or someone had gotten their hands on his phone and decided to call me for some reason. It couldn't have been Silver.

But what if...

That's what I kept coming back to. 'What if'. I was sick of playing the 'what if' game. It wasn't real. Just a silly fantasy about how things might be and how things might've been if me or Silver were different. The 'what if' game was just a way of trying to convince myself that things could change.

I didn't want to live in a fantasy any more.

"Are you going to call him back?" Crystal asked quietly.

I looked at her. I looked at my phone.

I pressed the 'delete' button.

–

**Oh guys, seriously. A while ago I sat down to write this chapter and realised that I had no idea what I wanted to happen in it. I was so frustrated – I kept getting tons and tons of ideas for later chapters and absolutely none for this. The first part, the part where Gold was talking to Crystal's parents, was kind of forced out. Then yesterday: _bam!_ I was hit with inspiration, and wrote the majority of this chapter in two days. I don't know how long it's been since I last updated, but it feels like a very long time...**

**I know a lot of you were upset that I added a little Gold/Crystal in the last 'Gold' chapter, so you might not be pleased to see hints of it remaining. I've actually made myself like Gold/Crystal by writing this... And though it's kind of obvious that they get along one hundred times better than Gold and Silver ever did, this is still a Gold/Silver story! I just have to work a bit harder to get through it. I'm not going to take the easy way out: I'm prepared for trouble!**

**Speaking of Crystal, I was very happy I got to expand on her as a character in this chapter. I really like her, you see. I hope to expand on Green and Blue in the upcoming 'Silver' chapters, too!**

**Hopefully you won't have to wait as long for the next chapter, as I have a somewhat clear idea of what it's going to include!**


	34. Love and Alcohol

It was Wednesday, and I had barely been in five minutes before the landlord was banging on my door demanding the month's rent. I threw myself down on the couch and switched on the TV, turning the volume up to block out his raving. He must've heard because he began ranting louder than ever.

"I know you're in there, I can hear the television. Don't pretend you can't hear me!"

I rolled off the couch with a groan, and landed face-first on the floor. I lay there lamely for a while, ignoring the pounding in my head. I hadn't received my pay for the previous week before Sarah handed my ass to me, and most of what I had I'd spent on the necessities: food, gas and electricity bills, etcetera. I couldn't pay my rent.

"You can't stay in there forever!"

I sighed in response, sending the dust that clung to the carpet flying up into my face. He was right. I couldn't keep on hiding like this. Heaving myself to my feet, I made my way to the door, preparing for the worst.

Putting on the most convincing smile I could manage (which probably wasn't very convincing at all), I opened the door and was greeted by the purple-patched face of the landlord, who looked like her was about to have cardiac arrest.

"I knew you were there!" he puffed, holding a hand to his chest.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you," I said innocently.

"Of course you didn't." He narrowed his eyes at me. "I'm not in the mood for your excuses. You were late last month, and you're late again. I've made allowances for you before, but I just can't ignore it this time. I need the money."

I sighed a leaned against the door-frame, pressing my palm to my forehead. "Look, I'm sorry, I just... Give me a week or so, and I'll be able to pay you," I said tiredly.

"I just told you, I can't do that."

"Look, you don't understand," I said, trying my best to keep hold of my patience. "I... I lost my job, I haven't _got_ any money." The landlord rolled his eyes, took his pencil from behind his and and revealed a notebook from under his arm. I raised my arms quickly to stop him. "No, no, no! I'm telling the truth! Look, I've applied for a new job already. I'll get you what you need in two weeks tops, I swear."

The landlord eyed me suspiciously, and my attempt at a smile wavered. I probably looked like somebody was poking me in the back with a knife or something.

Eventually, after tiring of our staring contest, he sighed and mopped his beaded brow. "_Fine,"_ he said. "Two weeks, tops. But I won't let you off again, I've been too nice to you as it is._" _He paused, then leaned in towards me so I could see the thinning hair on top of his head. "_Please_, kid, you have to help me out here," he said quietly. "I like you and I don't want to turn you out, but I will if I have to. You understand?"

I clenched my teeth and nodded pleasantly. I could get the money I needed in two weeks easily. The jobs I had applied for hadn't exactly been rocket science. I'd purposely picked the loser jobs, the down-and-out jobs, the jobs nobody wanted. I knew that my good grades couldn't save me. People would take one look at my record and throw my personal statement out the window. I hoped that if I applied for jobs nobody would be willing to do, I would have a better chance of finding work.

It wasn't meant to be a long-term thing. Just a bit of money to help me get back on my feet and figure out a real solution to my problems. I had an ice cube's chance in hell of getting into a good college, but maybe one of the rougher, more rural ones would take me.

I smiled at my landlord and said 'I understand' as politely as I possibly could. He nodded sweatily and carried on down the corridor, making his rounds in his usual tired and irritable manner.

I closed the door and dragged myself back into my apartment. I really didn't want to lose this place. It wasn't perfect. It was the furthest from perfect imaginable – dank and dark and leaky. But I had lived here for nearly two years, and it was the only place I had to call a home. Slumping down on the my bed, I rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands. What was I going to do? I couldn't get evicted, I just couldn't. I'd lost my job and the only person who thought there was some good left in me. I couldn't lose this too.

I thought about Gold. He hadn't called me. Well fine, I thought, I don't need him. I took care of myself just fine before he came along. Anyway, he was probably out there having fun with Crystal right now.

Peeking through my fingers, I caught a glimpse of the chain I had bought Gold for his birthday, glinting in the sunlight that was flooding through the window. I hadn't removed it from the floor by the wall, where it had landed after I'd thrown it there on Friday.

Gold was always a bit forgetful. He might not have meant to leave it, he could've just forgotten to pick it up. Maybe he wanted it back. Maybe I should call him and see if he wanted it back. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would call him and see if he wanted it back.

Picking up my phone from the bedside table, I began typing in his number. I didn't know when I had memorized it. Holding the phone to my ear, I heard it ring twice.

Then I started thinking. What was I _doing?_ I couldn't call Gold, not now! Maybe if he had called me first I could, but he hadn't so I couldn't! I wasn't going to let him know how hurt I was. I wasn't going to cry and beg him to come back to me and say that I didn't care, I didn't care how many lovers he had and that he could love Crystal as much as he wanted as long as he stayed with me and held me and said 'I love you'.

I quickly cancelled the call and threw the phone down at my side. My eyes were stinging – when had that happened? I rubbed at them furiously. I couldn't bear how I was acting. I'd thought I'd never be like this.

Slowly, I fell to one side so I was half-lying down on the bed. Then I drew my knees up to my chest and hugged them there. I couldn't blame Gold. I couldn't blame Crystal. I could only blame myself. Green was right. I'd driven Gold away. I had no right to ask for him back now. I shouldn't even _want_ him back – he was the one who cheated, not me. But as Green had so aptly put, it was a wonder he hadn't cheated on me sooner. All the things I should have said but didn't, they were all coming back to haunt me.

It was true what they said. You never really knew how much you cared about someone until they were gone.

–

I waited in all week for replies to my applications. When they arrived I pounced on them like a starving animal, ripping open the envelopes and unfolding the letters with trembling hands. I needed work, any work. I didn't have much money left.

I leaned back against the wall and sank to the floor as I read.

_We make it a policy to run a background check on all applicants..._

_Unfortunately we cannot employ anybody with a criminal record..._

_Sadly we are obliged to turn down your application..._

_We wish you luck in the future..._

_Yours faithfully..._

So that was it. I let my chin drop to my chest. It didn't matter if I rewrote my personal statement and applied for other jobs. If even the lowest rung of the social ladder didn't want me, then where else did I stand a chance? Even if they decided to employ me, it would be too late. The deadline would be up and lard-lord would throw me out.

Either way, I was on the streets and there was nothing I could do about it.

For the first time I wondered where Gold had gone after he'd left. Pokemon centres had a three-day maximum stay, and he couldn't have gone all the way back to Newbark unless he'd given up his job, which he wouldn't have. What if _he_ was on the streets? That idiot. If he was on the streets, he should've come back. Even this crappy apartment was better than nothing.

I still heard him sometimes. I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I could hear him snoring. Since I was so used to his irritating voice buzzing in my ear all the time, the habit was perfectly understandable. I remembered how he would say my name every other sentence, like it was going out of fashion. It was always so annoying, so annoying that I could still hear him in my head.

And outside of my head, in the living room.

"Silver? It's me."

I jumped, smacking the back of my head off the wall as I did so. I wasn't imagining it; that was really Gold's voice. Getting up, I headed for the living room, towards the telephone. I refused to let myself run.

"I was just... checking up on you." The little light on top of the phone flickered as his message echoed around the room. His voice was blurred by the bad reception, but I could tell he was tired. I stood there staring at the receiver, not knowing what to do.

Should I pick up? He didn't pick up when I called him. Sure, that was only for two seconds, but he didn't call me back either. It had been over two weeks since he walked out on me; two weeks without any news at all. Didn't he know how _worried_ I was? I should pick up and give him exactly what he deserved for making me so anxious.

"...I-I'm okay, I hope you're okay... I'm going to my mom's soon, so... Well, I just called to say, um, don't worry about me. I hope you're fine, I hope you're... eating well. I-I am!" He laughed nervously. "I don't have much power on my phone so I have to go soon. Oh, if you see any bugs in the flat, don't kill them! Just pick them up on a piece of paper and put them outside... Y-Yeah."

I took a step towards the phone. Why wasn't he saying it?

"Say that you want me back," I whispered, as if he could hear me.

"I've been wanting to call you for a while... I-I thought you might be angry though."

"Say that you love me..."

"Silver, I know you're there!" Gold raised his voice suddenly, making me start. His tone softened slightly as he continued. "I know you're listening to this, so please... pick up the phone..."

I knew that if I picked up I would just end up saying something stupid that I'd regret. But my feet moved on their own, and my hand rose to hover over the phone.

"I think I want to see you... l-later, I mean..."

I placed my hand on the phone, taking a deep breath and clearing my head.

"I'm staying at Crystal's right now so-" He instantly knew he had made a mistake and cut himself off with a gasp. At the same time I ripped my hand away from the phone. How could he say that? Just as I was about to pick up?

I heard him sighed and clear his throat. "I guess you're not going to answer now, huh? Well, I'll call you later... M-Maybe."

And he hung up. That was how it ended? _Maybe?_ Maybe was just another way of saying no, just another rejection. It was the old 'don't call me, I'll call you'. Gold's pathetic attempt at breaking things off nicely.

I didn't bother unplugging my telephone or turning my cell off. I knew he wasn't going to call me again.

Five hours later I was in the cheapest club in Goldenrod, pissing away the last of my money on some drink that I didn't even like the taste of. The place was small and sweaty and stank of cocaine – I recognised it as the same smell that had clung to the games room while I was in jail. The lights were red, or at least I thought they were. I couldn't have been that drunk yet. It gave the place a seedy, underworld atmosphere.

There was music pumping from the speakers on the ceiling. Not even good music. Some nineteen-eighties techno shit. Nobody was paying any attention to it as they drowned their sorrows and offered their last bill to some make-upped whore who would drag them into the ladies' bathroom and reappear after five minutes wiping her lips and looking very satisfied.

The couple next to me were getting about as close to third base as was possible in the middle of a crowded bar. Judging from the noises they were making, I guessed they were both men, though I wasn't making a very big effort to see. The shorter of the two was trying his best to clamber onto his partner's lap, but kept being pushed away.

"Come on... why not..." The man's voice was high-pitched and giggly from too much alcohol.

"I don't want to. I said no."

The taller man pushed the other away and got up, walking carefully towards the exit. The other guy just laughed and slumped forward on the bar. I didn't look at him; I couldn't see his face.

I choked on my drink as I felt a hand groping up my inner thigh, rubbing dangerously close to my crotch. Stumbling to my feet, I spun around with raised fists, ready to pummel the horny little bastard. I stopped dead when I was met with a Cheshire cat grin and a face I knew all too well.

"Green, you fucker!" I spat, seizing him by the front of his shirt.

"Woah, woah, woah! Settle down there, hot stuff," he laughed, patting the hand that gripped his shirt. "You owe me, remember?" He pointed to the large wad of cotton wool plastered over the bridge of his nose. "Bruising a face this beautiful makes for a ten-year sentence!"

I shoved him back in his seat and sat back down, glaring into my drink. Green sighed and slung an arm around my shoulders.

"Now Silver, don't you get all moody with me," he said in sing-song.

"Or what?" I snarled.

"Or," he said, taking my half-empty glass from my hands, "I'll have to buy you a drink."

I turned my head slowly to face him, my most threatening expression in place. "You'd better not have just said that," I hissed. Green raised his eyebrows and quickly slid off me.

"Okay then," he said innocently, swirling the remains of my drink around in the glass. "At least get something better than this. What, are you a lightweight or something?"

"_No._ What's wrong with what I drink?" I asked defensively.

"It's a chick's drink," Green replied plainly.

"No it's not!"

"Yeah, it is. Look, it's turquoise. Is that a girl's colour or what?"

"I hate you."

Green laughed and slammed the glass down on the counter, making the contents jump. Tipping sideways he leaned his shoulder against mine. "Yeah, I know," he said tipsily. "It's a real shame, 'cause I really like you. You're a good kid, deep down. Deep, _de-e-ep_ down." He dragged out the word as his rubbed the side of his face on my shoulder. I pushed him away with one arm, making him topple back into his stool.

I ignored him as he ordered a shot from the bartender. He turned to me before drinking, waving the small glass of clear liquid in my face. "See this?" he said. "This is a _real_ man's drink. Only half the people who drink this live to tell the tale. Want to wipe six years from your memory? A couple of these will have you wondering what your own name is."

"Bullshit," I said scornfully.

Green smiled cheekily and shrugged. "If you're too scared to try it, just say," he said. "Not that I blame you. You're really not ready to tangle with the big boys, kiddo."

"I'm not scared!" I said angrily. Green simply smirked, which only enraged me further. "I could take three times as much you could!"

"Is that a challenge?" Green asked.

I glared at him. "And what if it is?"

Ten seconds later Green was forcing a glass that matched his into my hand and grinning from ear to ear. "You're about to lose your alcohol virginity; how do you feel?"

"Shut up," I muttered, raising my glass to my lips.

"Don't be a pussy, Silver, take it all in one go!" Green urged. He waved his glass in the air and announced 'cheers' before swinging his head back and emptying the entire contents on the glass into his mouth. He hooted in shock, collapsing forward on the counter and laughing. "Wow, that's really something!"

I gave him a withering look. It couldn't be _that_ bad. With an exasperated sigh, I tipped the alcohol into my mouth and swallowed.

I choked as fire seared all the way down my throat and in my nose. A rush to my head had me slumped forward on the bar, coughing and spluttering helplessly, eyes watering as the room spun around me. My ears were ringing – that couldn't be healthy – but I could still hear Green shrieking with laughter beside me.

He clapped me on the back. "All right there, kid?" he asked gleefully.

"I-I'm fine," I replied. It came out as a pathetic squeak, making Green only laugh harder. He snapped his fingers at the bartender and ordered another round. I looked up at him weakly, unable to raise my head from the counter. He just smiled.

"Three times as much, Silver?" he reminded me, setting the drink in front of my nose. I groaned and let him drag me up off the oakwood.

I managed another two. By the fourth shot my hands were shaking so much that the alcohol ending up splashed on my face rather than in my mouth. Green took pity on me and wrapped an arm around me.

"Okay, I give up. You win," he said. "Come on, you're drunk. We've got to get you home."

Slinging on of my arms around his shoulders, he heaved me up. My legs crumbled beneath me and I hung there off his shoulder. He struggled and strained to keep me aloft, but eventually gave up and dropped me. Gripping my wrists, he dragged me across the floor towards the door.

"You're... making this... way too tough," he groaned, dumping me in the doorway of the club. "How can you expect me to carry you? I'm drunk too."

"Shut up," I slurred. Couldn't he see I was tired? I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to be sick and then go to sleep. The rough carpet felt suddenly comfortable and very inviting. I curled up and pressed myself against the wall.

"Don't go to sleep!" Green cried. "Wait a minute..." He got out his phone and started pressing away. The bleeping sounded horribly loud in my ears, even louder than the beat of the club's music. It made me want to vomit.

Closing my eyes, I fell into a state of half-consciousness. After a while I was vaguely aware of something juddering up and down beneath me. Forcing open one eye I realised that I was outside, the lights of Goldenrod City blurring and merging together as I moved along. The wall I had been leaning on had turned into a person, and I was being carried. I squirmed.

"Get off, get off..."

I was too tired to protest any more. I could vaguely make out Green walking beside me, talking. I wondered who it was who was carrying me.

Blinking hard, I realised that we were in one of the cheaper suburbs of the city. This wasn't where I lived. We stopped abruptly in the middle of the street, making my stomach lurch and bile rise in my throat. I swallowed it back down with a shudder.

Like a doll, I was wrenched off the back of the person carrying me and handed over to Green, who had to practically manhandle me to get me into wherever I was. He sat me down at the foot of the staircase and positioned himself behind me, linking his hands under my arms and dragging me backwards up the stairs. I moaned weakly and shook my head.

"Go away... I don't want you..."

"Sorry babe, but you don't have much of a choice right now," Green said irritably, heaving me up another step and setting me down heavily while he took a rest, panting.

"I want Gold..."

"What?" Green asked. "You mean money?"

"No, no, I want Gold," I repeated, batting an arm at him as he reached for me. Stupid, stupid. He wasn't Gold. How dare he not be Gold?

"You're drunk," Green grunted, catching me by the wrist and hauling me up another step.

"I'm not..." What was he talking about. I wasn't drunk. I was Silver. _Sil-ver._ That sounded funny. I started laughing. Tipping my head back, I grinned at Green. Why wasn't he laughing? I would've punched him if I wasn't so weak. I was Silver and I was weak and now my body was weak to match. And I wanted Gold. Wasn't that funny?

I began to cry instead.

"Hey, hey!" Green said, dropping my wrists and seating himself on the stairs beside me. "What's up?"

"Fuck off," I sobbed. "Fuck off, you fu... you fuck, you... fu..." It was my fault that Green was here instead of Gold. If I'd been nicer... If I'd tried harder...

Green sighed and shook his head, defeated. "Jesus Christ, remind me never to get you smashed again. Come on, let me get you to bed. You'll feel better in the morning."

I nodded tearfully and did my best to scramble up the stairs with my jelly legs. I didn't know when we had reached the top, and tried to take another step up. I slipped and crashed against Green, and we both ended up on the floor in a tangle of flailing limbs. For a moment I thought I was going to either start laughing or crying again. But instead, I just threw up all over Green's face.

–

When I woke up the following morning, the only thing I could register was that my head was throbbing. My eyelids were stuck together with sleep sand, and it ached to even raise my hand and rub it away. Whimpering, I turned onto my side. Why did I feel so _horrible_? All I remember was the job applications and Gold's phone-call and going out for a walk. Don't tell me I got drunk. I always did things I regretted when I got drunk.

Sliding my hand down under the covers with the intention of checking my pockets for money, I was shocked to discover that I was shirtless. I never slept shirtless. If I got drunk I would just fall into bed fully clothed – hence why I was wearing yesterday's jeans.

For the first time that morning, I opened my eyes. I was greeted by the tired, half-lidded eyes of Green, who was laying beside me, propped up on one elbow, smiling and sporting the bed-head look.

"Morning, sexy," he said.

I screamed and shot off the mattress as if it was a bed of needles, taking the duvet with me and clutching it around myself protectively. Green was naked under the covers, and flinched and curled up as the air hit his skin. I screamed again and hid my face in the duvet, backing up against the wall from where I had fallen on the floor.

"Oh, quit overreacting," Green said flippantly, swinging his legs over the side of the double bed to face me. He sat with his knees apart, putting everything on display. I buried myself in the duvet like a mole.

"For fuck's sake, put some clothes on!" I spat.

Green look innocently wounded. "That's not what you were saying last night," he said offhandedly, getting up and rummaging through his drawers for a pair of boxers. "Speaking of which, who taught you to _bend_ like that?"

I covered my mouth with my hand, my heart practically ripping through my chest. We couldn't. I wouldn't have. Green laughed at the horrified expression on my face.

"What's the big deal? At least you're not a virgin any more. Or maybe you are, I don't know. What do you call it when a guy loses his maidenhood?" He snorted at his own joke. "Don't look so upset! Don't say you still had that idea that your first time should be 'special'. What are you, a girl?"

I scowled at him for a moment before jerking my head away and hiding under the duvet. So what if it was 'girly'? I didn't want to lose my virginity like this, a stupid, drunken one-night stand. What the hell was I _thinking?_ I'd heard of 'the rebound', but _shit!_ Green, of all people? There was no way I was going to let that slide. Once he had his clothes on and had given me my shirt back, I was kicking his ass to Kanto and back.

I felt a nudge against my shoulder. I pulled the corner of the duvet back to glare at Green, and was surprised to find him actually looking concerned. He let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank God! I thought you were crying," he said.

"I never cry," I snapped. Green gave me a funny look, but I brushed it off. He was just trying to get to me. He reached out to me and I pressed myself harder against the wall. "Get away from me!"

He started grinning again. "Oh come on Silver, what am I going to do? You didn't think I was serious did you?"

"What?"

"Like hell I would fuck you!" he cried. "Too skinny, too spotty, too ginger."

I gaped at him as he roared with laughter. Relief drained away and was replaced by a sizzling fury. "You _bastard!"_ I yelled. "You think that was funny? I'll show you something funny! Where's my shirt?"

Green pulled a navy blue T-shirt out of his drawer. "Yours is in the wash. You can have this, I don't need it any more," he said, holding it out to me. I leaned forward to snatch it, then froze as a sharp ache stung my backside. I stared down at the floor, eyes bulging, unable to look at him.

He paused for a moment before chuckling. "It's not what you think. I just dropped you a few times getting here."

I swallowed and looked up at him. "You were naked," I pointed out.

He shrugged. "I always sleep naked. Besides, you were sick on me."

That would explain why I was shirtless, too. Green lay the T-shirt down on the bed and began getting dressed. He frowned at me as he was struggling into his tight jeans. "Aren't you going to get dressed too?" he asked.

I gulped and fidgeted with the covers, hugging my knees to my chest. I wasn't like Green. I didn't want to show my body to anyone. I was too thin and too white, and the cool morning air had risen goosebumps on my skin and made my nipples turn hard and perk up. I didn't want him to see and make fun of me.

Green's smirk softened into a smile, and he picked up the T-shirt from the bed and handed it to me. I snatched it and hurriedly looked away.

"Thank you," I muttered, squirming my way into the T-shirt whilst doing my best to keep my body hidden under the duvet.

"Any time, babe," Green said, and I scowled.

"Don't push it."

After dressing myself I took the time to look around the room we were in. It was plain white with all the necessities – bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers. There was also a lot of _un_necessary things. For example, it was a double bed, not a single one. I could only guess what green needed it for. And across the top of the chest of drawers were all sorts of little tubs and bottles of moisturiser and spot-removal lotion and anti-wrinkle cream and all sorts of stupid old-woman crap that promised that if you bought them what happened to everyone else wouldn't happen to you.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"My house," Green said, trotting out of the room and across the landing to the open door of the bathroom.

I stared at him. "You have a _house?"_ I almost shouted.

"Oh yeah, got it cheap when the market was down," he called from the bathroom, casually, as if it was nothing. "Gramps is helping me out with the mortgage. I never asked him to though! Daisy's always trying to make me feel bad about it."

This was so horribly unfair that I felt like screaming. I was getting kicked out of my apartment that I worked hard for a paid for with my own money, while stupid, arrogant Green was letting granddaddy pay his way for him.

Picking up one of the bottles from the chest of drawers – a pink one entitled 'Thompson's baby lotion' – I asked, "Does your sister live with you?"

Green reappeared from the bathroom with droplets of water still rolling down his face. "Nah," he said. "Why?"

I shook the bottle at him. "These," I pointed out.

"They're mine, actually," Green said. I frowned at him. Then slowly a smirk spread across my face and I let out a little sniff of laughter. He wasn't happy about it at all, folding his arms and scowling at me. "Hey, _real_ men moisturise," he told me haughtily, blushing.

"You use girl's products!" I taunted.

He turned even redder, unfolded his arms and marched towards me, raising a finger to point. "Yeah, well," he said defensively, "you suck your thumb!"

I nearly dropped the bottle. "I-I do _not!"_ I could feel my facing flushing to match Green's.

"Yes you do." Green was back on his feet now and had his usual grin plastered all over his stupid face. "Aww, does little baby Silver want a blankey too?"

I clenched my fists. "I bust your face once, asshole, I can do it again," I hissed.

Green raised his eyebrows and hummed innocently to himself. "You wouldn't do that to me," he said, smiling. "You love me too much."

I stuck my middle finger up at him. "I'm leaving."

I turned to go, but Green gabbed my arm. "Hey, don't you want breakfast first?" he asked.

In all honesty the thought of eating something in the state I was in made me want to be sick, but I hadn't had a proper meal in days and I remembered Gold's words: I hope you're eating well.

I nodded begrudgingly.

Five minutes later I was sitting with Green at his kitchen table as we both tucked into our toast. Plain for me, butter and chocolate spread for him. And what's more, we were talking. Chatting, like civilised people. It was almost surreal.

"So, I'm guessing you didn't get your job back," Green said. "Sorry about that. You should've at least tried. It took me like three hours but she let me back on the team. Blue helped me out; she's a babe."

"I don't need to beg for work," I said, suddenly fearing that that might be exactly what I would end up doing.

Green's phone beeped as he received a text. He read it and the smile instantly vanished from his face. Dropping the phone down on the table, he massaged his forehead with his fingertips. "I swear, a sex friend is _not_ meant to be this much trouble."

"Was that Red?"

"Yeah." Green sighed. "He's mad at me."

Try as I might, I could not imagine a look of anger on that blank, lifeless face. I thought about what he had told me the last time we'd met. "Maybe he doesn't want to be your 'sex friend'," I said.

Green frowned at me. "You think I don't know that? But what can I do about it. I've don't sleep with other people any more – hardly ever. What else can he ask for?"

"Maybe he-" I paused and swallowed. The whole situation felt familiar somehow. "Maybe he wants... I don't know, something more thank that."

Green rolled his eyes. "Oh _God, _not you too. Listen kid, when you've got your love life all fine and dandy, _then_ you can lecture me on mine, okay?"

"You fucking hypocrite."

"And don't you just love me for it!"

Just before I left for home (though I wasn't sure if I had a home to go to any more) Green wiped the cheeky grin off his face and said, "Hey. I know things haven't been easy for you lately, but believe me, it'll work out. Eventually. Tell me if you need any help, okay?"

I snorted. It wasn't the first time somebody had told me 'you can work it out', and that had been a big fat lie. "I don't _need_ any help. And if I did, I wouldn't go to you."

Green shrugged. "Okay, it was just a suggestion. But good luck anyway."

I eyed him suspiciously, looking for the trick. Then I gave up and headed down the driveway, last night's shirt tucked under my arm.

"I could totally have had you," Green called from the doorway.

I stopped in my tracks, wondering whether to yell something back at him or not. Behind me I heard the door close, and I just carried on walking.

–

**Oh Green, that was a horrible trick to play on poor Silver! I still like Green though. With all this drama flying about all over the place, it's nice to have a bit of comic relief. I must thank the film 'Withnail and I' for giving me the premise for the majority of this chapter:**

**http: (slashslash) www (dot) youtube (dot) com (slash) watch?v=Rydr6WYOPYw**

**2:17 – 3:42.**

**And now I'm thinking how awesome it would be if Silver's voice sounded like that.**

**Anyway, I see some of you have been anxious over the turn this story has taken, and you might be thinking that I won't be able to work things out between Gold and Silver without it sounding forced or unrealistic. Well I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've finally got it all sorted out in my head. I won't spoil it for you, so I'm just going to have to take a deep breath and say 'just trust me on this one, guys'! It'll be challenging, but I believe I can pull it off, and I really hope you believe in me too.**

**I really strove to get this chapter out quickly, as I'm going on a trip to Italy with my Aikido group on Monday. That means no updates for two weeks! Hopefully this rather long chapter will hold you until then. Now I just have to pray that my family doesn't decide to snoop at my laptop while I'm away...**


	35. Love and Reunion

September rolled around and Crystal switched her bright summer greens and yellows to more seasonal shades of brown. The air still held it's summer humidity, though, and she was struggling to walk Koko in her tight black jumper and long flame-coloured skirt. Usually she would run alongside her dog during their evening strolls along Olivine's beach, but now she was panting as she tried to keep up with the brown blur racing through the surf. I was almost pleased about it – I had piled back on all the weight I had lost walking to and from work. I knew I was eating more than I should, but I kept telling myself that one more piece of chocolate, one more handful of chips wouldn't do any harm. I couldn't help it if I was hungry.

Crystal stopped and turned around, hand on her hips, an impatient smile on her lips. "Hurry _up_, Gold!" she nagged. "You're so _slow._ Slowpoke!"

I caught up to her and promptly slumped over with my hands on my knees, panting. "I'm not... slow," I heaved. "My legs are... just... too short..."

She gave me a little push. "Sure they are," she said. "This has nothing to do with it." She poked my belly playfully and I quickly covered it with my arms, hurt. I usually didn't mind my size, but putting back on so quickly all the extra pounds I had spent months losing was more than a little depressing.

Crystal noticed my downcast expression and quickly put on a grin. "Hey, I'm only joking," she said. Then, changing the subject: "You're going to your mom's this weekend, right?"

"Yeah, Sunday," I replied.

"It's so unfair, you're leaving me to do all the work," she sulked. "And you know what a slave-driver Alan is. I can't believe he gave you a week off!"

"It's because I'm his favourite."

Crystal grumbled to herself and called Koko back, clipping on her lead. We began to stroll back up the beach towards the dry part of the sand. Crystal walked ahead of me, and I noticed a slight tinge of pink to the back of her neck where she'd caught the sun. I started thinking about how Silver would burn all the time. Even when there wasn't any sun.

I started talking then; just babbling about whatever came into my head. Koko, the weather, work, what we were having for lunch tomorrow. I never could let myself stay quite for long, because then I would start thinking about Silver and a horrible empty feeling would force its way into my stomach. I wanted to see him. Just to talk. I didn't know what I would do if eight years of friendship were ruined by a few rocky months. We didn't have to get back together – Silver didn't want it and I knew I shouldn't either. But he'd been by my side for so long; was it so wrong that I wanted to at least keep our friendship intact?

"You're not paying the slightest bit of attention to me, are you?" I asked.

"Of course not, my dear." Crystal giggled and stuck her tongue out at me.

I smiled at her. I couldn't blame her for not understanding; I hadn't spoken to her about it. I'd never liked heaping my worries on other people – not serious worries. There was no merit in having her stress over me.

"Never mind."

"Something up?"

"No. It's nothing."

"Oh come on, it's obviously _something."_ Crystal planted herself down on a sand dune and sat Koko beside her, stroking her fur. I sat down too, and she leaned back on her hands and raised her eyebrows at me. "Is it because of what I said before?"

I smirked. "No."

"Good, because you're fine just the way you are," she said. She dived on me suddenly, hugging her hands around my waist and squeezing my tummy. "You're so cute and cuddly!"

"Ah, Crystal, stop it!" I cried, falling forward on the sand, trying to squirm out of her grip. "That t-tickles!"

She just laughed and moved her hands to my chest, making me squirm more and grab her wrists, trying to force her away – which was pretty difficult considering I was lying face down in the sand laughing my head off.

She let me go and I relaxed, panting, on the sand. "You're not fair," I complained, still half-laughing. "Not fair."

"Aw, poor baby," she said teasingly. Koko left her side and started snuffling at my face, trying to lick me. I pushed her away and sat up, grimacing as I felt sand run down my back and gather at the waistband of my jeans.

"Koko really likes you," Crystal remarked. "You know, my dad never walks her. You could say she has no positive male role model... It'd probably do her a lot of good if you spent some time alone with her, you know, just walking her around for a couple of hours..." She sidled up to me, smiling sweetly. I rolled my eyes.

"Okay, what do you want from me?"

Crystal saw her chance and pounced. "Okay, here's what's going on," she told me. "Eusine's in Ecruteak tomorrow – apparently Morty's made some uh-_mazing_ discovery that just couldn't wait. And since he'll have the afternoon free, we decided to meet up. Thing is, I haven't exactly gotten round to telling my parents about it yet, if you know what I mean, so I was thinking... I could pretend I was going out to walk Koko with you, and I could meet up with Eusie for an hour or so while you take Koko to the park or something. _Then_ I meet up with you later, and we go home together, leaving my parents none the wiser!"

"And how long have you been planning this?" I asked suspiciously.

"Not long! So are you in or not?"

I sighed. I had no reason not to. "Yeah, sure."

"Thanks, Gold." She smiled.

Crystal spent the majority of Saturday morning getting ready. Did her hair look right, did her arms look fat in this T-shirt, should she wear perfume, and which was better, skirt or jeans? I just went along with it, nodding and shaking my head in the right places and spouting all the useless platitudes that girls liked to hear. She was too caught up in a panic to notice my obvious amusement.

She eventually settled for a tie-dye T-shirt and patchwork jeans tucked into big red boots. She decided she didn't want to look _too_ outrageous, in case her parents got suspicious. I got the feeling that her wearing 'normal' clothes would be more likely to get their spidey senses tingling.

We managed, by some twist of fate, to slip out the door virtually unnoticed. We headed to Ecruteak together, Crystal babbling away about how she didn't care what the fans said – Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter was _far _more attractive than his Jack Sparrow. We split up at the pokemon centre, with her going inside and me continuing down Route 37 towards the National Park. We'd decided to meet up again in an hour. If we took too long, Crystal's parents would start to wonder and call their secret police.

Koko whined and fought against her lead for a while, trying to get back to Crystal. Then she got distracted by a flock of pidgey and started barking. I had to practically drag her through the park gates when a couple of children outside started fussing over her. Once we were in the park, however, she calmed down and set about marking her territory wherever she could.

It was Saturday morning, and even though the weather was clear and bright, there weren't many people in the park. Probably because of the bug catching contest. I could see about ten bug catchers rifling around in the grass, but only a few people were actually walking around.

I wiped my forehead. It felt cold, but I was sweating. I resisted the urge to slap myself – why did I have to eat all that? Oh gee, maybe it's because I'm a greedy pig! I headed towards a bench that was only just visible beneath a hanging bough of a tree. I couldn't see properly thanks to the thick blanket of leaves, but I guessed there was someone already sat there. I could see their legs.

I ducked under the branch and the person jolted violently, as if scared. I saw a grey hoodie and a flash of brilliant red hair before they disappeared under an umbrella. I stopped suddenly, then decided to play it cool and pretended I hadn't noticed, sitting down beside him.

I scratched Koko affectionately behind the ear when she leaped onto the bench and plonked herself down behind me. I risked a quick look in Silver's direction. He was still hiding under his umbrella.

After the third stolen glance, Koko must've got the impression that there was something immensely interesting about the mysterious hidden man beside us, because she started sniffing at his elbow and trying to poke her head under his umbrella. Then she started jumping up at him, flapping her tongue for all she was worth.

A hand shot out from under the umbrella and pushed her away. "Get off," Silver grunted, swatting at her. She refused to give up, and started howling.

I laughed nervously to myself. "Hi."

He froze. Then he shuffled away from me and lowered his umbrella even further over his face. As if he thought that if he made himself small enough he could somehow disappear.

"Silver, I know it's you," I said. I reached out to lower the umbrella from his face, and was met with little resistance. "Hi." I wondered whether I should smile or not.

"Hi," he said, looking at the ground, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Uh..." I cleared my throat and looked straight forward, not wanting to stare. I'd made the first move, and now it was my duty to start up a conversation. I was scared to open my mouth in fear of what would come out. I was scared to look at him in case I said something I would regret. Like 'I love you'. Like 'can we start again?'. "Wh-What's with the umbrella?"

"It's hot," he replied hesitantly. "I mean... sunny."

I studied his face and noticed that, even in the shade of the trees, his sunburn was obvious on the tops of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose – but not as obvious as the bruises he bore on his forehead, chin and left cheek. I dared an awkward-looking smile, and he fidgeted and sunk lower in his seat, bowing his head so that his hair fell over his face. He probably thought I was laughing at him.

"So," I said cheerfully, the tone sounding painfully fake to my own ears, "are you... good?"

"Yeah, I guess," Silver murmured. There was a long, excruciating silence. I wished the bug catchers weren't so quiet.

"Are you?"

I jumped. "What?"

"Are you? Good, I mean," Silver said.

"I'm... okay," I replied. Another silence followed, and I sighed. I wasn't sure how much longer I could take this. "I didn't cheat on you, Silver. No matter what you think." I forced myself not to feel nervous about staring as I kept my eyes focused on him. I needed to see his reaction.

"You're living with her," he said eventually. His voice sounded oddly like a squeak.

"Just for a while." Another pause. "Are you angry?"

Silver shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I don't think so. A-Are you?"

"Maybe."

"...Oh."

Koko lapped at his hands, and he quickly withdrew them from his knees. He gestured stiffly to her with his head. "Is it hers?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." He nodded vaguely, keeping his face hidden. "So... did you, uh, see your mom?"

"I'm going there tomorrow," I said. "I'll be busy so... I probably... won't... call you."

He didn't reply this time, or even nod. He just gave a little grunty noise of acknowledgement.

"And..." I took a deep breath. "You probably shouldn't call me either."

"Okay." His voice was achingly quiet, careful and even. He was doing his very best not to convey any emotion at all. Except I knew that he only used that voice when he was upset and trying not to let it show.

"Look, Silver, I'm still-"

"It's fine, Gold." Silver cut me off. He looked at me for the first time and smiled. Actually smiled, an obviously fake twisting-upwards of the corners of his mouth, leaving his eyes dead. It sent a shiver of dread from my head to my toes. "Seriously, I get it."

I got to my feet in a hurry, urging Koko off the bench.

"A-All right then," I said, nodding as if we understood each other. "I should go... Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Yeah. Maybe."

I half-walked, half-ran away. Koko trailing at my heels, whimpering with her tail between her legs.

I didn't tell Crystal about my little run-in with Silver. She seemed so happy after her date, practically skipping alongside me. One look at her and I could tell she wasn't really walking with me. She was soaring high above the clouds with Eusine in a little fantasy world, and I couldn't bring myself to bring her down from it. I had done what I needed to do. Now that I knew Silver wasn't going to call me any more, I didn't have to agonize over whether I should call him or not.

I didn't delete his number from my phone, though. Just in case.

–

**It's been quite a while! I suffered a fractured ankle in Italy after being thrown on concrete instead of a gym mat, meaning I was unable to take part in the competition. Then when I arrived home, I discovered that a friend of mine from the drama club I attended for six years had been killed in a car crash, which of course didn't put me in a writing mood. I suppose you could say that I'm feeling a little fragile right now! But on the upside, I'm starting college in a few days and I'm really looking forward to it! We start college at age sixteen here in England.**

**I know this chapter is a little short compared to previous ones, but I was really struggling with it – I'm really looking forward to writing Gold's next chapter and have been spending all my time thinking about that instead! I'm also desperate to give Silver a kick and persuade him to stop acting so emo-tastic...**

**In all, I'm not too sure about this chapter. It's not that I hate it, it's just... I don't know. Maybe because of my current situation it feels like I didn't manage to put as much heart into it. But don't worry! I'm sure I'll be back on track next chapter.**


	36. Love and Fault

I'd been staying out late recently, getting up before dawn and trailing around the city all day, only returning to my apartment long after midnight. I figured that the more I stayed away from home, the less likely the landlord had of catching me and throwing me out on my ass. I'd applied for more jobs, but I hadn't received any replies yet and something told me that I wouldn't get them for a while.

I hadn't expected to run into Gold that day. It was so sudden and awkward that I... kinda freaked. It was hard to make conversation when your heart was pounding fit to burst. It must have scared me into submission or something, because afterwards I headed straight back to my apartment.

That was my first mistake. My second was letting Mrs Bellamy from next door see me as I fumbled for my keys. My third was opening my door when I heard a knock, and coming face-to-face with the disappointed eyes of my landlord.

He told me he was sorry. That he didn't want have a choice – it was the law. He asked if I had somewhere to go. I said yes. And he gave me my eviction notice.

It took me less than half an hour to pack my things. Within forty-five minutes I was out on the streets.

It was nearly eight. It wasn't fully dark yet, but the tall apartment blocks on the estate cast huge, looming shadows across the turd-strewn streets. Nobody was about, save for a couple of guys in hoodies who were smoking at the upcoming street corner. I crossed the road as I approached them. It wasn't that I was scared – I could take them on no problem. It was just that I was tired and fed-up and maybe just a little bit upset after losing my job and home and landing my ass on the streets with nowhere to go and little-to-no money in my wallet. There was nobody else around; I could hear the buzz of cars in the distance, and a dog barking somewhere, but that was it. I wasn't one of those people who could blend into the background. I stood out like a double cheeseburger at a vegetarian buffet, and was fairly well-known around the neighbourhood. I'd probably beaten up a gang member or two in my time. It must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Hey."

_Just_ _ignore it..._

"Hey, you!" the man in the white jacket repeated. "Fuckhead, I'm talking to you!"

He turned to his friends, and they sniggered. I resisted to urge to yell something back at them. I always hated people like that. They hunt in packs, snapping at your heels and laughing like hyenas when you trip. And like hyenas they were powerless alone. They didn't know how to fight their own battles. They never had to even try.

The man crossed the road, marching right up to me. His friends followed me, forming a circle around me and essentially trapping me. I let out a groan. I couldn't even leave the estate in peace. Injury was inevitably going to be added to insult as I was given the old 'goodbye' punch in the face.

"Hey man, where you going?" White Jacket asked with mock sincerity. I could see the hints of a smirk under his hood. He gestured towards my suitcase. "Your girlfriend kick you out?"

I rolled me eyes. "_No."_

"Your boyfriend?"

The rest of the gang snorted as if it was the funniest thing they'd heard all day. My fists clenched and unclenched at my sides.

"Give me your phone." He cocked his head to one side and clicked his fingers expectantly.

"What?"

"Phone, now. And anything else you got."

I stuffed my one free hand into my pocket in a subtle act of defiance. No way. I was not losing my home and getting robbed on top of it. No. Fucking. Way.

White Jacket looked up at me mockingly. "What's that look for? Don't say you don't remember us. We remember you, don't we guys?" He turned to his friends and they nodded and made little noises of agreement, and a heavy stone of dread dropped into the pit of my stomach. It must've showed on my face, because it only made Whitey's grin broaden. "You really did a number on a couple of us about a week back. Sam got a broken nose. Didn't you Sam?"

The person called Sam, stood to my right, grunted. I took my hand out of my pocket and slapped my forehead, inwardly cursing myself.

"Look," I said, sighing. "I don't want any trouble, so if you could just let me past..."

I took a step forward, trying to weave around them, but Whitey skirted in front of me. He was shorter than me, but more muscular and broader in the shoulders. I could probably win over him in terms of skill, but in strength I could tell he had me beat. I wouldn't be able to push past him.

"Sure, sure, we'll let you past," White Jacket said. "But since you bust Sammy up so bad, I'd reckon you owe us. Luckily for you, all it's going to cost you is your phone. And maybe a few other things on the side, I don't know."

"I'm not giving you anything."

His face instantly darkened. "You trying to start something, man?" he asked with almost childlike innocence, making me want to retch. "Here's me thinking you didn't want no trouble."

"Get out of my way."

Whitey let out a sharp bark of laughter. "Are you threatening me?" he asked incredulously.

"You don't want to threaten him," Sam warned.

"I'm not threatening you. I'm just saying-" I was cut off suddenly as something thin and solid came into contact with the back of my head. Stars exploded in front of my eyes and ice shot down my neck, but I wasn't going to let myself be taken down so easily. Dropping my suitcase, I whirled around and launched a fierce punch into the face of the person stood directly behind me.

That was all it took for them to pounce. The were one me from all sides, fists crashing down. I managed to disarm the man who had knocked me over the head, sending something heavy and metallic clanging and rolling across the pavement. Somebody aimed a jab at my throat; I dodged and dived on them, my legs straddling either side of their thrashing body as I brought my fist down again and again on their face. Hands grabbed at me, trying to haul me off the person I was beating mercilessly, but I didn't stop punching. Not even when the the face beneath my fists turned slippery with blood and the person started screaming. My fist smashed against the gaping mouth, knuckles splitting on the teeth, glinting red with blood.

I was seized my the hair and yanked back so roughly I was certain a chunk of it was ripped from my scalp. I was thrown onto my back, and before I had the chance to leap back to my feet, a flurry of fists and boots rained down on me, striking my face, my chest, my stomach, all over my body. After a while I stopped struggling and curled into a ball with my hands over my head.

Figuring they had me beat, the shower of violence mercifully stopped and I was left lying on the ground choking on my own blood as they cracked open my suitcase and began rummaging through my things. I flailed a fist uselessly in their direction, blinded by the blood that was trickling down my forehead into my eyes. They just laughed.

They went to leave. Fuckers didn't even bother trying to run. They just sauntered up the street, chatting and slapping each other on the back like they hadn't just kicked the living daylights out of me.

I stumbled to my feet, burning up with rage. I tried to shout after them, but my voice bubbled with blood and faded into nothing. I slumped forward, leaning my hands on my knees and coughing. A pair of scruffy Nike trainers appeared in front of me, and I looked up to find the man they called Sam looking down at me in contempt.

"You fucking _shit,"_ I spat vehemently, spraying blood across his chest.

He didn't even blink as he drove his foot up between my legs. I dropped like a stone, writhing around like a dying fish, clutching my balls through my jeans and trying my best not to whimper. Sam gave a satisfied snort, spat on me and headed back to his friends, who were waiting for him a few feet ahead.

Their howling laughter faded and disappeared as soon as they turned the corner of the street. But it lingered in my ears for much, much longer.

After about five minutes of rolling around cursing and struggling to form a coherent thought, I heaved myself up off the pavement. My suitcase was now empty and lay abandoned in the road; my clothes were strewn all around. They had taken my laptop and mobile phone. My wallet was safe in my pocket, but it contained nothing but dust and a meagre amount of change.

I gathered my clothes up best I could – it hurt to bend down, and I wondered if anything was broken. I noticed that they had taken my work shoes too; God knows why. Aside from the beat-up trainers I wore, they were the only pair I had. Looking down at my empty suitcase, I almost wanted to cry.

"_Shit!"_ I threw down the T-shirt I had bundled up in my hand and stood, frozen, seething, for a while. Then I dropped to my knees in the middle of the road, and buried my face in my hands. I was okay. I wasn't going to cry.

I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to cry, I wasn't going to cry...

I reached in my suitcase, finding the small pocket that was sewn into the side. I found what I was looking for: the thick, rather heavy chain I had bought for Gold on his birthday. I held it tightly in hand for a moment, before clutching it to my chest. I rubbed it between my palms, getting blood on it in the process. I had to heat it up. Then I could kid myself that it still held the warmth of his skin.

After gathering my things together, I headed out of the run-down inner city and into the centre. I walked around for a while. It got cold; frost nipped at my skin and numbed my aching limbs. There were still people about, but not many. They all had a place to go back to at the end of the day. Suddenly I felt sick with guilt as I remembered the countless times I had passed by a homeless person and done nothing.

I sat down on a wall, dumping my case down beside me. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt more alone. I knew I'd done some bad things in my life, things I regretted, but surely I didn't deserve this? It wasn't like I hadn't ever tried. It wasn't fair.

I let out a sudden breath of laughter. Who was I trying to kid? Myself? Because it wasn't working.

Everything bad that had ever happened to me – it was my own fault. It was my fault that I lost control and beat up those two guys, my fault that I landed myself in jail. It was my fault that I lost control _again_ and attacked Green, losing my job in the process. It was _my_ fault that I couldn't get another job because of the stupid mistakes I had made in the past that were my fault too. And it was my fault that I had lost the one person who truly believed there was still hope for me, the one person that made me want to believe too.

Really, this was _so_ fair.

I wished I had tried harder to make things work with Gold. I had always laughed in the face of wishes – the never came true, and yet people clung to the hope that they might. All wishing ever brought about was hurt. It was hurting me already, thinking about all the might-have-beens, all the things I would do and say differently if only we could turn back time and start again.

I remembered what Blue had asked me just before Gold and I had broke up. _Do you love him?_

"I think so," I whispered., bowing my head so low my forehead was almost touching my clasped hands.

"Excuse me?" A gentle, high-pitched voice broke me out of my stupor and had me jumping up straight. I turned my head to find a short, elderly woman hobbling towards me, holding something out at arms length. Though it was dark, I recognised the thing as square and brown. Wallet-shaped. My wallet.

"You dropped this on the high street," the woman said, shuffling closer to me. Her movements were shaky and stiff. The high street was a good few roads away; I wondered if she had followed me all that way. "Here."

I reached out hesitantly and took the wallet from her outstretched hand. "Thank you," I mumbled. The woman smiled vacantly down at me, and a light bulb flickered above my head. I recognised her, I was sure of it. The kind smile and the bluish-grey hair – it hit me. Violet.

"Would you like a mint? I think I have one left," she offered. I blinked at her, wondering if I'd made a mistake. I was certain it was Violet, but she didn't seem to recognise me at all.

She fished a half-empty packet of mints out of her pocket and dropped one into my unresisting hand. "They're mint imperials. Lovely aren't they? If you see them from a distance they looks like pearls."

I lowered my eyes.

"You've got lovely hair, dear. Reminds me of my son. I haven't seen him in a while, but I'm sure he's fine. Just too busy to visit this old bird!" Her laugh was sad, distant. "He was so good to me though. He made the _best_ cheese omelettes!" The smile faded from her face. "We had a bit of an argument, I think. I don't quite remember. My memory's not what it used to be these days. He stormed out, and I cant recall if I've seen him since or not."

I didn't look up at her.

"My dear, you're not eating your mint!"

"I'll eat it later," I told her quietly, after a pause.

"Just don't let it go to waste," Violet warned. "People waste so much nowadays. Not my son though – did I tell you about him? I wonder when he's going to visit me... Oh, sweetheart! Don't cry!"

She laid her old, withered hand on my shoulder as I tried desperately to force back sobs. Tears blurred my vision, but I refused to let them fall. Not again. I wasn't going to cry again.

"Now, now," Violet soothed, stroking my hair. "Am I really that terrible to talk to?" She cackled at her own joke, and I smiled through my tears.

"It's getting late, you should get home," she said. "You don't want to get old before your time do you? The wind goes straight through these old bones." She stepped away from me. "Will you be all right?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes.

"Good." I could hear the smile in her voice. "Goodnight, dear."

She carried on down the street, walking stiffly, sometimes tottering but never tripping. Unfailingly cheerful. I closed my hand around the mint she had given me.

"Goodnight," I whispered.

–

Goldenrod's pokemon centre was full, as usual, but it only took half an hour to reach Ecruteak and check in there. The centre had seen better days, but it had all I needed – central heating, a bed, a bathroom.

I showered away all the dirt and blood, and by the time I had finished I looked considerably better and decided that I could probably get by without an ambulance. I'd forgotten how much of a beating my body could take. The purple welts all over my body admittedly didn't look good, but they would heal in time. I wrapped my bloodied hand in toilet paper, telling myself I'd get a bandage later. I was more worried about my dick than anything else.

It hurt to go to the toilet. When I checked I saw that my piss had turned the water a light reddish colour. I groaned - that couldn't be healthy. It wasn't the first time it had happened, and I knew how to deal with it, but damn it, it _hurt!_ And my room didn't have a freezer, so I wasn't getting any ice any time soon.

What my room _did_ have, however, was a telephone.

Blue hadn't called me since I had been fired, and I couldn't blame her. I probably got her into a lot of trouble, and she was probably mad. Picking up the phone, I figured my sore penis could wait.

Right now, I had some apologising to do.

–

**SILVER gained 2000 experience points! SILVER learned SENSE OF DECENCY!**

**Stubbornness -3, Self control +5, Common sense +2, etc...**

**I know this is a pretty miserable chapter – I'm sorry! - but I hoped to show at the end that this is a turning point for Silver. Once you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up! At least, I hope so. Next chapter Gold will be heading back to Newbark, which will allow me to open up doors to his past. You can expect some humour there!**

**I sure had a lot of fun writing that fight. I'm getting better at writing action scenes! Plus I love to see Silver suffer – and what better way to go about it than kicking him in the balls! Poor guy, I'm so cruel to him. I had to look up 'peeing blood after being kicked in the balls' for this! Apparently, it can be a sign of a serious problem – such as a ruptured testicle – but it can just as easily go away after a few days.**


	37. Love and Friendship

Mom threw her arms around me when she saw me. I was surprised that I had to bend down to hug her - I'd forgotten how _short _she was. It made me feel old, in a way, which was kind of funny. If anything, she should be the one feeling old.

"Hello, stranger!" she said lightly, kissing my cheek. "I know you're busy, but you could call me once in a while, you know!"

I smiled sheepishly. Since the breakup, I had been calling her less and less. I had entered a period of turbulence that I hadn't quite managed to drag myself out of yet, and I didn't want to risk taking all my pent-up emotions out on her. "Sorry, Mom."

I could see Graham lingering at the foot of the stairs as I entered the house. I waved lamely in his direction, but decided not to greet him properly – I wouldn't know what to say. Instead I wandered into the living room, feeling like a guest in my own house even though it looked exactly how I remembered it. Same wallpaper, same furniture, even the same framed photographs lining the walls and mantelpiece.

Graham sat down on the armchair in the corner of the room – _Dad's_ armchair, with the African embroidered blanket and the cushions Mom had made herself. I didn't want him sitting there, messing it all up, but I knew it was stupid that I should care and tried my best to ignore it. I moved towards the stairs, when suddenly Mom wrenched my small travel-suitcase from my hands.

"I'll take that, dear," she said quickly, giving me an encouraging smile and nodding not-so-subtly towards Graham. I cringed inwardly. I had to try, if only for her.

I perched awkwardly on the arm of the sofa, attempting to smile. "So," I began. I fell silent suddenly as I realised I had nothing to say. Graham stood up, and I panicked, thinking he was going to walk out. "Y-You're better then! The sickness, I mean."

Graham nodded and cleared his throat. "Yeah. It's still going round though, so be careful."

"Right... Is my mom okay?"

"She's fine," he said, almost too quickly. "How've you been?" I didn't miss his swift change of subject.

"I've been okay. The cafe's not as busy as it was in summer, so work's easier." I swallowed twice in an attempt to cure the dryness in my throat. I felt like an outsider looking in on my own conversation, and it was just painful to watch.

Mom emerged from upstairs not a moment too soon. Both Graham and I swivelled round to face her, maybe a little too quickly. It was obvious how desperate we were for an intervention.

It took her less than a second to wipe the fleeting look of disappointment off her face and replace it with an optimistic smile. "I'll start the dinner then, shall I?"

"I'll help you," I said hurriedly. Graham sighed and sat back down, and Mom shot me a pleading look.

"Gold, you don't have to."

"No, I will, I want to," I insisted, practically clinging to her. Mom looked to Graham for backup, but he purposely avoided her gaze, and she had no choice but to let me follow her, head bowed and shame-faced, into the kitchen.

Mom took out the vegetables from the cupboard and started chopping with an unusual amount of vigour. When I tried to help, I almost got my finger sliced off, and was met with an exasperated sigh.

"Mom, I'm sorry," I said quietly. In the living room, Graham switched the television on. Obviously he could see we needed to talk.

"I know, I know you are but-" Mom sighed again and shook her head. "Please Gold. I need this."

I lowered my eyes. I truly was sorry. I didn't know why I didn't get on with Graham, or what it was that pushed me away from him. I knew what I was doing to Mom and I hated it. Why couldn't I just be happy for her?

"Mom, it's okay," I said, forcing a smile.

"No, it's not," she said sadly. "I know it's hard for you, but I love Graham, and I really want to make things work with him. I'm not as young as I used to be, sweetheart, I might not get another chance. Maybe I'm expecting too much for you to love him, but I want you at least to be comfortable around him. So... try, please? For me?"

"I will," I promised, a little too cheerfully.

"I don't want to do anything that might hurt you," Mom told me. "But it's hard on me, too, you know. Seeing you two like this."

"Mom, I'm eighteen," I said, laughing nervously. "You don't have to worry about me – just do what you want to do."

Mom turned to look at me then, an unreadable expression creasing her face. She looked quiet possibly the oldest I'd ever seen her. "Oh, Gold," she mumbled, leaving the knife on the worktop and reaching up to cup my face. "Why don't you say what you mean? For once, please. You never say what you mean."

I watched her as she returned to the courgettes, chopping much more slowly now. "Yes I do," I said. I raised my voice indignantly. "I do!"

"No you don't," Mom murmured, barely looking at me. "You say what you think other people want to hear. Why don't you say what _you_ want?"

"I want what you want," I told her, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, what I want is for you to be honest with me," Mom said firmly. "Has Graham said something to you, is that it? Has he done something to make you hate him?"

"No, no, it's not that-"

"Then what is it?" she snapped, making me jump. "I don't know what to _do_, Gold. Why can't you just get used to him? You've had three years, what's stopping you!"

"You know, he hasn't exactly made an effort, either," I retorted without thinking, then instantly regretted it. Mom stared at me, open-mouthed, for a moment before burying her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry," she said. She sounded almost like she was about to cry. "Mood swings. It's an age thing... I didn't mean to..."

"Mom, it's _fine,"_ I assured, raising my hands. "We'll work things out with Graham, okay? That's what I'm here for isn't it!"

Mom looked gratefully up at me, tenting her eyebrows. "You're _terrible_, you know that? You got your father's sense, that's for sure!"

For what seemed like the first time since I stepped through the door, I gave a genuine smile. I loved it when she talked about dad. It didn't matter that I'd heard it a hundred times; I wanted to know everything. Did he like the same food or music I liked? Did I have any habits that reminded her of him? I never knew him, but at the same time, I was desperate to be like him. Sometimes I thought maybe it was for the best that I never knew him. Just in case he wasn't the man I wanted him to be.

I bit back the urge to start asking questions incessantly like a child, and set about helping her cut up the rest of the veggies.

We talked about Graham's work over dinner. Something banking and promotions and a whole lot of drivel I didn't really care about. But I kept smiling and nodding in the right places, and managed to fool him and Mom into thinking I was interested.

"Pass the cauliflower, will you Gold?" Mom asked.

I frowned. "But you hate cauliflower."

"Not lately."

I shrugged and passed her the plate.

–

Mom and Graham shared a bed. It wasn't surprising, really. She had kept the double bed from when Dad was alive, and it didn't make any sense for her to fork out for a new one when Graham came along. They were going to get _married, _for God's sake. I should've expected it. And it wasn't like it affected me in any way. I was just being stupid.

Still, it took me an awfully long time to get to sleep, and even then I couldn't count the number of times I woke up. I finally settled at about three in the morning, and was woken up just a few hours later by Mom. She went back to bed after using the bathroom, apologising and saying that she had been so tired recently. There was no way I would ever be able to drop off again, so I decided to get up.

Wandering around the house at seven-thirty in the morning, I almost felt like I'd stepped back in time. Back when I lived at home, when it was just Mom and me. Back when I didn't have to worry about family or relationships or what I was going to do with my life. I felt like a kid again. Or a man who felt like a kid. It was the same thing, really.

I made my way into the living room, examining the photographs that lines the walls and mantelpiece. They were all of me. Well, most of them. I picked up a frame at random – it was from our holiday in Sinnoh, when I was seven. Mom had me on her shoulders and was smiling brightly at the camera despite the fact that my ice-cream was dripping down the cone and onto her shoulder. She was wearing shorts. She never wore shorts any more.

I didn't remember much about that holiday, other than that there was a stray Persian on the camp site we were staying at, and I stroked it and fed it scraps and called it Wanda, and cried when we had to go home and leave it.

I wondered how long Persians lived for.

There were a lot of school photographs too, ones that I wasn't exactly proud of.

Me and Silver, on the first day of a new term. Mom had just started dating Graham, and it was starting to show via my belly. I was grinning, Silver wasn't. He looked like he was chewing on a wasp. I held back a snicker as I realised that he was probably trying to smile.

I always felt a little sorry for Silver back then. He hated school, couldn't see the point in it ("When am I ever going to need Pythagoras' theorem? Never, that' fucking when"). He pretended he didn't care. That he didn't know about the all the rumours flying around about him, his background, his family. That he couldn't sense the apprehension that thickened the air as soon as he stepped into the classroom. Nobody ever said anything to his face, of course, but the feeling was there and everyone knew it.

People thought I was crazy for following him like I did. I had friends. Heck, I could've been _popular _if I'd wanted. But I felt a sort of responsibility towards Silver, with his charity shop clothes and free school dinners. He would snap at me and push me away for all he was worth, vehemently claiming that he didn't need my pity and just because we knew each other that didn't make us friends. It didn't make the slightest bit of difference. I would still end up sat with him on the Loser Table at the back of the dinner hall, with the autistic girl and the boy who liked to start fires, every day.

It was months before he crumbled and told me, rather awkwardly, that I shouldn't hang out with him any more. He was bad news and everyone knew it. I didn't mind. It wasn't like I hadn't noticed my old friends gradually disappearing one by one. It wasn't like I hadn't been cornered once or twice by bullies who had overlooked me before. It wasn't like I hadn't heard all the gossip that was floating around about us.

Silver had to admit defeat after that. I knew he was grateful to have me. He didn't have to say it; he didn't have to. He always looked out for me. We both knew the reason why all my other friends had slowly trickled down the drain and why I had suddenly become a huge blot on the more popular kids' freak-seeking radar, and I suppose Silver felt guilty about it. He was always the first to jump to my defence, though he'd make a big show of his reluctance to help and his irritation at my obvious inability to fend for myself.

He hated that I'd never stick up for myself. He didn't understand that often I didn't really _care _about what people were saying. Mom had always taught me that as long as I had my health, my education and my family, I would be okay – never mind what other people think. I was content to ignore the occasional jab or jeer, but Silver could only ignore so much before he snapped. On a good day, he'd settle for a sarcastic comment or two. On a bad day, he'd get into a fight.

I couldn't recall the details of every little incident, but there was one that stuck out in my mind, because it happened back in 2005. Just after there had been a terrorist attack on the magnet train that ran between Goldenrod and Saffron. A kid in my science class started making terrorist jokes about me, pushing me around, calling me things I didn't understand, emptying the contents of my bag onto the floor and pretending I had a bomb hidden in it.

He asked me if I liked Johto. Then he asked me if I liked him. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything, and he told me that if I hated him I hated Johto. He started yelling that I'd said I hated Johto, and nobody listened when I protested. By this point I was almost in tears. I heard Silver before I saw him, shouting above the din. One thing led to another, and he and the boy who had been making fun of me got into a fight.

Silver won, of course. I couldn't remember a time when he didn't. I don't think he even broke a sweat. I didn't see the scuffle, but I saw the aftermath; the kid had a bloody nose and it looked very much like Silver had played tug-of-war with his ear and won. I'd felt bad, but evidently not as bad as the kid and his friends. I knew why. School was a battlefield. A hierarchy where the popular students ruled and the weird, ugly kids knew their place – out of sight, out of mind, under the designer boots of those deemed better than us. And if we didn't know, then we damn well had to learn. Even Silver.

It was about a week later. School had just finished for the day, and Silver and I were on our way to my house. We were just leaving Violet City when it happened. A hoot of laughter from above had us looking up to find a gun aimed at us from the roof of the Pokemon centre.

The barrel was bright red, the trigger was yellow and through the plastic I could see some sort of liquid sloshing about inside. The sniper was a friend of the boy Silver had fought with; the boy himself was there watching.

I remembered their excited whoops.

"Oi! Ginger prick!"

Silver raised a hand as if he could somehow stop the spray of water splashing across his shoulder, hair and outstretched arm. Some of it must've got in his mouth, because he started choking, bent double over the pavement, liquid droplets sliding over his skin, down his neck into his shirt, over his lips and eyes and dripping from the tip of his nose. He retched more than once, and the boys on the roof howled with laughter.

When he had composed himself, Silver had started yelling, swearing and throwing the worst threats imaginable. People on the street started to whisper, and through the glass doors of the pokemon centre, I could see the nurse emerging from behind the counter and heading towards us.

I had to drag Silver away. Even when we reached the edge of the city, he was still yelling – though he was bright red in the face and gasping by this point. I didn't understand why he was so angry.

It was only after we'd been walking a while longer that I noticed the smell, and realised that the liquid the boys had fired at Silver wasn't water at all. I thought of how Silver would wear the same clothes every day because it was all he had. I thought of the poor navy jacket that he loved so much, the one with the high collar that hid the neck he was so self-conscious about. I wet the bed when I was little; it was nearly impossible to get the stink out of the sheets, even with a whole week's worth of scrubbing.

I'd wanted to cry.

Silver had noticed, and nudged me gently and said gruffly, "Don't cry. I'll buy a new one."

I thought of how I had once caught him trying to steal one of my old T-shirts after somebody drew a crude picture of a penis on the back of the only decent one he owned in permanent marker.

I'd started bawling.

I couldn't quite recall what happened after that. The next thing I could remember was me and Silver at my house (Silver in just his underwear and my oversized dressing gown – his clothes were in the washing machine) playing Super Smash Bros on the Gamecube. I played a mean Kirby, but I let him win anyway. He got angry at me for it. I was pretty sure he slept at my place that night too, since I could vaguely remember getting clipped upside the head for pulling the old 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' line.

Smirking a little at the memory, my eyes drifted to the centre of the mantelpiece, just above the fireplace. There used to be a big picture there of Mom and Dad on their wedding day, but Mom had taken it down and hidden it behind the sofa about a year before she started dating Graham. I kept fishing it out and putting it back, and we ended up having a big argument over it. After that, Mom put it somewhere where I couldn't find it.

She'd since replaced the picture with what I considered a poor substitute - me at the end of school prom. I looked _terrible_. The suit she'd bought on offer was at least four inches too big for me and crumpled at my ankles and wrists, and it was painfully obvious that I had no idea how to fix a tie. The girl that was hanging off my arm was so out of my league it was ridiculous. She was taller than me, with short, choppy brown hair and thick eye-liner. She looked stunning in her strapless, lime green dress, but I couldn't even remember her name. She wasn't my girlfriend; I barely knew her. Some of the guys in my year had called me over and started asking if I had a girl to go to the prom with, and when I replied they had pointed out the choppy-haired girl and told me that she thought I was the sexist thing she'd ever seen. So I asked her to go with me. She had shrugged and said 'yeah, whatever', and it was only when I caught the looks of disbelief on the guys' faces that I realised they were trying to make a fool of me.

Turned out I didn't need them to help with that. I got my lip stuck in the girl's braces when we kissed at the end of the night. Let's just say that she didn't ask for a second date.

In the corner of the photo frame, I noticed there was another picture, a smaller one this time, tucked into the side. Reaching out, I plucked it from the frame... and laughed out loud when I looked. It was Silver, on his prom night the year before mine. Mom had forced him to go. She never could resist a party, and since all Silver ever wore were plain jeans and dark-coloured shirts, she jumped at the chance to dress him up a bit. He didn't feel like he could refuse after she went to all the trouble of buying the suit and shoes and stuff.

His face in the photograph was so comical I couldn't help but smile. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open, and he had begun to raise a hand in an attempt to block out the camera. I couldn't blame him really. He'd always been camera-shy, and he didn't look much better than I did on my prom. If anything he looked worse. Mom, ever the bargain hunter, decided that it would make sense for Silver and I to use the same suit. This brilliant idea led to her buying one that was too short for Silver and too long for me. The trousers rode up his skinny legs, revealing red and white striped socks. The jacket was too small, but the white shirt underneath wasn't and hung down past his hands. The bright red hair only made him look funnier.

Silver didn't get himself a date. I got one for him, with the autistic girl that sat with us at lunch time. Even so, I couldn't help feeling a little jealous, and, shamefully, I was almost relieved when I learned that, apparently, the girl stayed with him for about ten minutes before deciding she wanted to go home, leaving him to spend the rest of the evening huddled in the darkest corner he could find.

I browsed through all the pictures, indulging myself in a little more reminiscence. Amusement morphed into something that felt almost like hurt when I couldn't see a single photo of Dad.

I was swept from my stupor by high-pitched shouting coming from outside. Wondering who on earth would be causing such a fuss so early in the morning, I drew back the living room curtains and peered out. Across the path I saw a petite girl storming out of the house of our only neighbour, weighed down by an array of suitcases. I opened the window a crack so I could hear what she was shrieking about.

It was something along the lines of 'I hate you', 'I'm leaving' and 'you can't stop me'. Then she whirled around to face the house, stood for a while, apparently listening, and threw down the majority of her cases with a frustrated scream. She kicked one of them open as she stomped back into the house.

"What's all that noise?"

I turned to find Graham standing in at the foot of the stairs. I smiled awkwardly and nodded towards the window. Striding over, he leaned over my head and drew back the curtain further. Then he groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Her again," he muttered. "She moved in a few weeks ago. Nothing but trouble..."

"What's her name?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Mon- I mean, your mother went to greet her, but she was having a bit of a tantrum, I think. Thought I'd best keep out of it."

The girl had come back out of the house (or rather, she was thrown out) and was currently gathering up the cases she had thrown down and looking very sour indeed. I looked away from the window before she had the chance to notice me. I forced a smile.

"Is Mom okay?" I asked.

"She's just tired," Graham assured me.

I edged back a bit, feeling uncomfortable standing so close to him. We stood in silence for a moment, shuffling our feet and coughing nervously. Then I sighed and looked up at him, determined.

"Look, Graham," I said decisively. "I know you don't like me. But I know you love my mom, too. And I want her to be happy, so... I think it's important that we try to get on with each other. Okay?"

Graham coughed again, wheezing a little. "I do like you..." he began, then stopped when he caught my sceptical expression. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "You're right. About your mother. We've got to make things work."

I smiled, glad he understood. "Don't worry about it. I'm eighteen, I can take care of myself. All we have to do is be nice to each other until the wedding. Then I'll go back to Goldenrod and you won't have to worry about me again."

Graham frowned. "You know Mona wouldn't want that."

It was the first time he'd used Mom's name in my presence.

I raised my eyebrows, feigning nonchalance. "It's her life," I said. "I think she should be able to start over if she wants to."

"She doesn't want you out of her life, Gold."

I ignored him and brushed past him, flashing him a smile as I went. "I'm going to make breakfast. You want some? All I can manage is cereal though!"

He could only gape helplessly at me. Really. What was he expecting? One of us had to say it, and in a way I was glad it was me. It all served to prepare me. It made me feel like less of a coward.

I headed into the kitchen, suddenly ravenous. My eyes were watering a little. Why? I was stronger than this. I was older than this.

I put the kettle on and prepared the mugs. Weak tea with three and a half heaped spoonfuls of sugar for me, plain old generic coffee for Graham and something a bit stronger for Mom. She was tired. She probably needed it.

–

I awoke the following morning to the sound of Mom. Vomiting. Again.

Lying awake in bed, I thought of the exhaustion. The sudden sickness, the cravings.

And I knew. Oh God, I knew.

–

**I _just_ managed to finish this chapter before bedtime! Let's just say it didn't turn out like I'd planned... but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm actually quite pleased with it. I have a _truckload_ more ideas about Gold and Silver's past, but I didn't want to write too much about it this chapter. I wrote an awful lot as it is!**

**I'd really like to leave a longer author's note, but I have a feeling my mum will be shouting at me to go to bed any second now, so I'll have to leave it at that!**


	38. Love and Blue

I got a job. Packing boxes in some warehouse, ready to be shipped off to Goldenrod Department Store not far away. The boxes came from the room above down a conveyor belt. I would stand at the bottom with a rolls of duct tape, close up the box and seal it before sending it on it's way. Lather rinse and repeat for eight hours a day.

I kept telling myself it wasn't a permanent thing. It was all I could do to stop myself going insane. The pay was bad, but it was better than nothing and would do until I managed to find something better for myself. I'd get a better job. Somehow.

I hadn't found another place to live; I hadn't looked. I wasn't sure I would be able to find a place cheap enough for my meagre wage to buy. I could live with hopping from one pokemon centre to the next and back again for the time being. It wasn't the lifestyle I'd envisioned for myself as a kid, but it was the best I could manage.

I hadn't told anyone that I'd been evicted. I didn't want pity or platitudes. And I didn't need any help. I wanted to things to get better, but I wasn't ready to turn my life three-sixty yet. I couldn't throw away the rules I'd lived by all my life. I wouldn't be able to ask for help without feeling weak. Not yet.

After a week or so of work, I was running low on clean clothes. It didn't really matter when I was working, the whole place reeked of sweat and machine oil anyway, but I didn't much like the feel of pulling on boxers that I'd used three days in a row. I wasn't a neat freak or anything, but it wasn't exactly a nice feeling knowing you'd just had a shower and had to climb into dirty, greasy clothes right afterwards. The only washing machine in Ecruteak pokemon centre was broken (from being overused), I didn't want to pay to go to the laundrettes, and I was past the washing-clothes-in-the-sink stage.

While I was pondering my devil-scented clothes conundrum, the phone in my room rang. Frowning, I answered it. It was the centre's nurse, telling me there was a call waiting for me and she was going to put it through. Before I had the chance to tell her there was no way I could have a call and that she'd got the wrong guy, my ears were assaulted by the furious ramblings of Blue.

"Silver, what do you think you're _doing?"_ she cried, making my ears ring. "I tried to call you on your phone and some drunk-sounding guy picked up instead, so I went to your flat and there was someone else living there and when I asked the landlord he said that you'd been evicted like two weeks ago!"

I groaned. "What do you want, Blue?"

She gasped in anger. "What do I want? _What do I want? _Why didn't you _tell_ me, Silver!"

"Why should I?" I asked indignantly. I didn't owe it to her. What right did she have to demand entry into my private life? "I don't need any charity."

"I-" Blue sighed, "-I'm not trying to give you charity Silver, you know I'm not. I just worry about you. You're too reckless."

"I'm fine."

"You always say that. Even when you're not. What happened to your phone?"

I shrugged even though I knew she couldn't see me. "Got stolen. Laptop too, so don't email me."

"Oh Silver. And your apartment?"

I didn't say anything.

"Oh _Silver." _Blue sighed again. "That's it. You're coming over here right now."

"I don't need any help," I said defiantly.

"Yes, you do!" Blue snapped. "For God's sake, just admit it! I'm not planning on _giving_ you anything, but I want to see you. I'm here for you, I want you to understand that."

I swallowed and looked at the floor. "...If I come over there, I'm using your washing machine, okay?" I said eventually.

"Sure." I could hear the smile in her voice. "You remember where I live?"

I hung up, figuring that would give her my answer.

–

She scowled at me when I showed up at her door. "You hung up on me. Very mature, Silver." She put her hands on her hips as she studied my face. "Oh God, what happened to you? No wait, don't answer that, it was a stupid question."

I could've made a retort, but I didn't have the energy and I had to admit Blue had a point. The bruises on my face still hadn't quite healed, so I suppose I looked just a little worse for wear.

"You carry on like this, you're going to get yourself killed."

"I didn't come here for a lecture," I muttered, striding past her into her apartment. "I came here to wash my clothes.

"Well excuse me for being worried," Blue said, offended. She turned to face me, closing the door behind her. "I don't mean to nag at you, Silver, but how can I not?"

"Where's the washing powder?" I called from the kitchen. Blue's apartment was organised, I'd give her that. So organised that it was impossible to find anything. She appeared at the doorway, looking sour.

"Cupboard under the sink," she said dryly.

I stuffed all my clothes into the washing machine at once, knowing full well my whites wouldn't be white for much longer. When I turned around, I saw Blue looking at me with such a look of sadness on her face at I was taken aback.

"What's up?" I asked, swallowing.

"Nothing," Blue murmured. "I was just wondering how we'd grown apart this much. You never tell me anything."

I raised my eyebrows at her. "I tell you everything," I said amusedly, following her into the living room and sitting down beside her on the couch.

"Only because I force it out of you!" Blue said, tapping me on the head and giggling despite herself. "I just don't know with you, Silver. I think I've got you figured out, and then you go and do something to show me just how wrong I am."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm _fine."_

"You're always 'fine'," Blue replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, but this time I mean it," I said, looking at her properly. "Look, I went through a bit of a rough time and now I'm pulling out of it. That's all."

"You got a job?"

I tilted my head the way Green did when he was in a cocky mood, trying to appear confident. "'Course I did."

"Doing what?" Blue narrowed her eyes at me.

I didn't want to tell her. "I got a job," I repeated.

"Oh God. Silver, _please_ tell me it isn't-"

"Hey!" I was offended by the horrified look on her face. "It's nothing illegal! I'm just..." I lowered my gaze, suddenly ashamed. "You know that warehouse? W-Where the store got it's stock from? There."

Blue forced a smile and put her hand on my shoulder, giving me a little shake. "Well it's better than nothing, right?" she said cheerfully. "If you ever need any help – financially, I mean – you can always come to me. I'm quitting my job at the department store, you see... I got a promotion at the newspaper I'm working for!"

I gaped at her. "But... you only just started working there!"

She shrugged and grinned sheepishly. "Beginner's luck?"

Beginner's luck, my ass. I always firmly believed that Blue was simply born lucky, and this just sealed the deal. She was both clever and sporty. She picked things up at superhuman speed. She was attractive without five layers of make-up caked on her face. Boys were always getting crushes on her for no reason. She was like a big sister to everyone, and possessed that uncanny ability to see right through even the most skilled of liars.

There was no doubt, if I wasn't her friend she would've annoyed me.

"Oh don't look at me like that, Silver!" she complained. "It's not like I can help it."

"Of course you can't. You're perfect." I tried to sound bitter, but I couldn't keep the smile out of my voice. I didn't know why I was suddenly so upbeat. There was still a lot on my mind, but right now I just wanted to forget it all. I had a job, I had a place to stay, and I had at least one person who cared about me. It was really quite pathetic that that was all it took for me to cheer up nowadays.

Blue poked her tongue out at me – then almost bit it off as a loud wail emitted from the bedroom. I jumped so high I almost put myself through the ceiling.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh bugger it," Blue hissed, heaving herself up and scurrying off in the direction of the high-pitched crying. She emerged from the bedroom not a moment later with a wriggling bundle in her arms.

My eyes opened so wide that I was surprised they didn't plop onto my cheeks. "What the hell is that?"

Blue shot me a withering look. "It's a baby, what does it look like?"

"Yeah, but... but-"

"It's not _mine! _He's my brother's. I just look after him sometimes. Seriously Silver, what were you thinking? That I somehow managed to hide a pregnant bulge for nine months?"

Way to make me feel like an idiot, Blue.

Blue wandered back over to the couch, cooing and rocking the little pink thing in her arms until it's cries faded into weak grizzles. I backed away. She snorted. "He doesn't bite, you know! Well, he does, but it's all gum. He's cute, look." She turned the baby around and thrust it into my face. It's purple, puckered face gawked at me as it waved it's little starfish hands, wanting to be held.

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't do kids."

"I should think not!" Blue exclaimed, and burst out laughing. I cringed and pushed the squirming child back into her arms. She giggled. "You're gong to make a horrible father someday."

"As opposed to you, who is obviously a wonderful father," I said bitingly. Blue mock-gasped.

"Low blow! I'll have you know I'm all woman," she said. The baby seemed to have dozed off in her arms, and I felt relieved knowing that luck was on my side and I probably wouldn't end up being vomited on.

Blue rocked him gently. "I wonder when your daddy's coming to pick you up," she addressed it first, then turned to me. "Honestly, he's terrible. My brother, I mean. He and his wife both work so they can't care for junior here full time, but... I think the poor thing's starting to forget his daddy's face. I might not be the mother, but I sure feel like it!"

She sighed and looked down at the child sadly. Then she shook her head, as if forcing herself to her senses, and refocused her attention on me. "So, you! What are you going to do?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Whatever. Guess I'll just keep on working in that warehouse until I can find a better job."

"Why don't you do an apprenticeship?" Blue suggested, and rolled her eyes at my blank response. "Didn't they tell you about that in school? It's where you learn on the job. I think Yellow's doing one at the pokemon centre. Just one more year and she'll be able to go into amateur nursing."

"Why do you know everything?" I asked flatly, and Blue cackled.

"Because I'm a genius," she replied with not a hint of sarcasm. She couldn't nudge me with the baby in her arms, but she shot me a confident smile. "Can you blame me for wanting to look out for you? You're like my little brother. You're like... my soulless mate!"

I groaned. "Ha ha. Very funny."

"I am, aren't I?"

I couldn't remember the last time we'd talked like this. It had been years. Maybe even before she had left Kanto.

"So," she said, quieter this time. "How're you and Gold?"

I hesitated for a moment before gathering myself together. "It's fine. We're fine. We talked it over and... we're fine. It's fine."

Blue sighed and smiled understandingly at me. "Do you miss him?"

I glared at her. "What do you think?" I snapped.

"You want to know what I think? I think you miss him. I think you're crazy about him."

"We are not having this conversation," I said coldly.

"You'll never work things out if you can't even admit you love him," Blue pointed out.

I looked at her properly. "Blue," I said, the finality obvious in my tone. Blue gave me a look, like she was going to start lecturing me again, but then simply shrugged and got to her feet, heaving the baby up against her shoulder and heading back into the bedroom.

"You do love him though," she called out. She just had to have the last word. I grimaced.

I didn't deny it though.

The alarm for the washing machine went off, and I scrambled to the kitchen and slammed my hand down on the button before it woke the little brat up again. I tipped all my clothes into the plastic bag I had brought them it. They would dry later.

I tried to sneak away while Blue was still busy, but she appeared in front of me before I reached the door.

"And where do you think you're going?" she asked teasingly.

"I should really get back," I said, averting my eyes.

She smiled. "I can't stop you, can I?" she said. "Take care of yourself, Silver."

"I don't need you to tell me that," I mumbled. I was going to be okay. It might take a while, but I knew I was going to be okay. I just had to hold myself together until then.

After leaving Blue's apartment, I took a detour through Goldenrod and, after a bit of searching, I ended up at Thames House. I didn't find who I was looking for. The landlady pointed me in the direction of the nearest care home, and, like a total sap, I went.

They wouldn't let me see her. Not that I was confident that I would've actually gone in if they had. It was embarrassing to even be there.

"What's your name?" the tired, dumpy-looking nurse squinted at me over her glasses, checking a handful of notes.

"Silver," I grunted, shifting from one foot to the other. I had never been in a place like this, and like all new experiences, it felt uncomfortable. But, I told myself, I didn't have much choice in the matter. What was the saying? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. A life for a life.

"I'm a friend..."

"She's never mentioned you," the nurse said suspiciously.

"O-Of her son's," I quickly amended myself. "I'm a friend of her son's."

The nurse sighed wearily and shook her head. "I'm sorry, but Ms Harding is very ill. Only her immediate family is allowed to see her."

I forced back an irritated groan. "Can I leave a message then?" I asked as pleasantly as I could. The nurse looked a little taken aback. Probably at my twisted, twitchy attempt at a smile.

"...I don't see why not," she said.

"Tell her... her son says he's sorry they argued. And that he might see her soon."

I left quickly with my face hidden in my collar, telling myself that the only reason my cheeks were burning was because of the biting evening air. It was official – I was turning into a sap. What's more, I couldn't even feel bad about it. In fact, when the embarrassment and discomfort wore off, I actually felt pretty damn good.

–

**Blue, I don't care how much of a parody sue you are, your jokes still suck.**

**I don't like this chapter, but I promise you the next one is a lot better. Quick! The next chapter awaits!**


	39. Love and the Future

I didn't like to admit it, but I'd been avoiding Mom. I didn't know what to do, now that I knew her secret. When was she planning on telling me? _Was_ she planning on telling me? She couldn't keep it hidden forever. Eventually it would start to show, and she'd have no choice but to come clean.

Mom had noticed, of course. She kept trying to get me alone but I wouldn't let her. I wouldn't let her leave me alone with Graham either. I hated myself for acting the way I was, but I was _scared_. If we started talking, _really _talking, then everything would come out. And I'd hurt them.

After three days of sneaking around, dodging questions and being generally suspicious, it was getting harder and harder to think up good excuses to get out of the house. I eventually bit the bullet and blurted out that I was going to visit the new girl. Mom actually seemed to think that was a good idea, so I was relieved to know that I had at least an hour's more freedom.

I smiled encouragingly at our neighbour when she opened the door.

"Oh, hello Gold, I haven't seen you in ages!" she exclaimed. "Do you need something?"

"Well, I was wondering if I could see... is she a relative? The girl with the brown hair, my Mom thought it would be a good idea if I met her," I said sheepishly.

"Oh, you mean Lyra? My niece. Well, I'm not sure... She's coming down with that flu, I think, and she's in a foul mood." She pressed a hand to her forehead. "She won't stop talking about running away. I'm at my wit's end!"

"I-I could talk to her! I mean, she'd probably listen to someone her own age, right?" I said a little too eagerly. My neighbour's frown twitched and her sceptical look faltered. Seeing she was weakening and gave her my biggest smile and said, "Please? I'm sure we'd get along."

"You boys are all the same," she said, chuckling – but she stepped away from the door. "All right then. Her room's the second on the right."

I bolted past her and up the stairs before she had the chance to change her mind. I hear her calling up to me, "Good luck!". I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. How bad could this girl be?

The door was sealed shut, and I thought it would be rude to just barge in, so I knocked.

"Coming, coming," a bored, raspy-sounding voice came from behind the door and a moment later it was opened to reveal the brown-haired girl I had seen the morning after I had arrived in Newbark. She looked different close-up. Her nose was a little sore from sniffing, but she was still very pretty, with delicate, feminine features. She was wearing a simple pink nightgown, but it looked more like an oversized dress in how it hung neatly from her shoulders, fastened with a ribbon around her tiny waist and floated out around her dancer's legs, bewteen which stood a curious-looking Chikorita.

She stared at me for a moment. A little unnerved, I smiled at her experimentally.

Then she started screaming. She slammed the door of her bedroom, sending a waft of air blowing into my face and knocking me back. I tried to open it again, but she was holding it shut.

"What have you done with my family?" she shrieked.

"Wh-What?"

"I'll call the police!"

"_What?_ No, no, don't... don't call the police! I'm not- I'm just-"

"What _is_ going on up there?" my neighbour shouted angrily from the foot of the stairs.

"I-I don't know! She just started screaming!" I cried desperately.

"Oh for God's sake... _Lyra!_ Open that door this instant. Stop showing yourself up in front of Mona's son."

Behind the door, Lyra had fell silent. Figuring her work was done, her aunt removed herself from the stairs and disappeared down the hallway. The door creaked as it was opened, revealing a slither of light and one suspicious eye of Lyra.

"You don't look like Mona," she said accusingly. "Your skin's darker. And you have black hair."

"Oh, yeah, I-I take after my dad," I told her, trying desperately to keep the smile on my face.

"Graham? You don't look like him either."

"Graham's not my dad," I told her. I had to fight to keep the bitterness out of my voice. "He's just my mom's boyfriend. Fiance. Whatever."

Through the crack in the door, I saw Lyra's brown eye narrow. "One minute," she said, closing the door again. Five minutes later it was reopened, only now Lyra was dressed for Paris in a tight red T-shirt, tight little denim shorts, a tight jacket and long tight socks. She obviously wasn't afraid to show off her feminine curves and didn't look uncomfortable at all. I felt uncomfortable just looking at her, and began to fidget with the hem of my baggy shirt.

"I know. I look horrible," she said huffily, tossing back her hair.

I struggled to reassure her without sounding like I had ulterior motives. "No, no, you look great. Really. I think."

"You think? Oh that's good to know," she said sarcastically. Then she sighed and beckoned me closer. "You want to come in or what?"

"O-Okay..."

My stomach hiccuped when she closed the door behind me. She was too pretty, too biting. I recalled my schooldays, and the countless times I'd found myself faltering in front of a group of girls – girls with make-up and jewellery, who wore little skirts and strapless tops – and running away when one of them would whisper something and the others would all burst into peals of laughter.

"Sorry I yelled at you," Lyra said, oblivious to my anxiousness. She picked up her curious Chikorita and slumped down on the bed with a sigh. "It's my folks. They told me this would happen, so I guess I just... freaked."

"Told you what would happen?" I asked, still shuffling my feet in the middle of the room, which was surprisingly plain for such a fashionable-looking girl.

"That perverts would come after me," she replied plainly, making me double-take.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Well - what did you say your name was again?"

"Gold."

She snickered, and I felt my face burning. "Sorry, sorry," she said. "I was just thinking, that's a really old-fashioned name. Not that it doesn't suit you. Anyway, as I was saying, the perverts." Putting her Chikorita down, she rolled over onto her front and, hanging her torso off the side of the bed, started rummaging around under her bed. I frowned, perplexed and the Chikorita jumped off the bed and started sniffing at my ankles.

"You'd better not be staring at my ass," Lyra commented, and I felt myself blushing even more.

"I'm not!" I said, and turned around to face the opposite wall to prove my point.

"Oh stop it, I was only teasing," she said, heaving herself up. I turned around, almost indignant. She threw a magazine into my arms. It was some fashion magazine with smoky-eyed women with wind-swept hair sporting the most ridiculous outfits I'd ever seen on the cover.

"Page six," Lyra told me proudly. I flicked through to be greeted by the raised eyebrows and flirtatious pout of her, gazing out from the page, decked out in a short pink dress decorated with black lace. Her hair was different, swept up in a bun instead of in bunches, and she was wearing a lot of make-up, but it was unmistakeably her. She looked very pleased with herself when she noticed me staring.

"I'm a model," she said, sticking her nose in the air and placing a hand behind her head in a mock-pose. "I only started eighteen months ago, but _Vogue_ called me 'one of the most promising up-and-coming models of the year'. Not bad, right?"

"Uh-"

"And if I make it big time, then I can retire from modelling by the time I'm in my twenties and go into fashion design or something. I've got it all planned out!" She spoke very quickly, as if her words were all fighting to get out of her mouth first. I struggled to keep up.

"Right..." I handed the magazine back to her, and she pulled a face.

"You could at least pretend to be interested," she said, looking ready to throw her Chikorita at me too. "Anyway, my parents don't like what I do. They think it's 'demeaning' or whatever. And like, last month I got this awesome offer for some lingerie magazine who wanted me to model this bra-and-panties set. My mom said no, but I did it anyway."

I winced, partly for Lyra and partly because I just got flashing images of her modelling a bra-and-panties set. "What happened?"

She sighed, shrugging her shoulders and clasping her hands together and looking up at the ceiling with wide, innocent eyes. "They flipped, obviously. Told me I'd have dirty old men after me, all that rubbish. It must've sank in though, since I thought you were a rapist or something."

"_What?"_

"So, they sent me out to this hick town to live with my stupid auntie and a load of primates who wouldn't know their Gucci from their Prada!" Lyra carried on oblivious to the offence I had taken. "They say it's to 'protect' me, but they just don't want me to live my own life! Well I don't care what they say. I'm not giving up modelling just because they don't like it."

I looked sheepishly to one side. "So what're you going to do about it?"

"Run away," Lyra replied instantly, a sneaky grin spreading across her face. "I've got friends who can help me get my own place."

I looked at her worriedly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" I asked. I'd heard so many stories of young women being promised all sorts by kind older men, only to find themselves making a living in their backs instead of on a catwalk.

Lyra rolled her eyes. "I know what you're thinking! Don't be stupid. And _don't_ tell my auntie!"

"Okay, okay! I won't," I said, backing away and putting my hand over my heart. Lyra burst out laughing.

"You look like a rabbit in the headlights! Relax; come over here." She beckoned me over to sit beside her. I shuffled towards the bed after a moment's hesitation and perched there, as far away from Lyra as possible.

"You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself," she said, turned around to face me, crossing her legs as she did so. "I'm not like those page three bimbos. I've got _talent. _I bet I could clean you up nicely!"

"W-What?"

"Well, I mean-" She crawled towards me, and I backed away until my back hit the bed-frame. "I could tell you what type of clothes to wear, ones that... flatter your figure. See, what you're wearing now is kind of... _blah_. You shouldn't hide your body, you should show it off!"

"I'm really not interested..."

"That's because you haven't opened your eyes to the wonders of the fashion world! You can tell so much about a person from the clothes they wear! And what your clothes are saying to me, Gold, is 'I am uncomfortable in my own skin'. I know, I know, you're not exactly Adonis, but who _is?_ There are plenty of labels made to suit your body type. They'd make you look less... heavy."

I was rapidly turned from mildly disgruntled to downright insulted. I raised my hands, ready to push her away if it came to that. "A-Actually, I'm fine just the way I am..."

Lyra looked genuinely shocked. "_Really?" _she asked, gawking. She shrugged. "Well, it's your loss. At least you have a cute face. You look a bit young though, maybe you should grow a little beard? Those are all the rage nowadays."

The most I'd ever had on my chin was a tiny scrap of peach fuzz. I chuckled nervously.

"That's a 'no', right?" Lyra asked, smirking.

"How did you guess?" I asked, smirking back, and she giggled.

"Oh man, I _love_ your voice!" she said.

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, I could listen to it all day."

I broke into a grin at the first real compliment she'd given me. I only hoped she wouldn't turn it into a back-handed one.

"So what do you do for a living?" Lyra asked.

"I'm a waiter." I said it as confidently as I could in the hope that she wouldn't make fun of me, but that just made it sound stupider to my own ears. Lyra giggled and I bit my lip.

"No, seriously," she said flippantly, waving a hand. I just looked at her blankly, and her laughter faded. "Oh my God, you _were _serious! Sorry, I thought..." She trailed off embarrassedly, then laughed again, this time nervously. She took a pen and scrap of paper from her bedside table and began scribbling something down. "Tell you what," she said. "If you ever need careers advice, just call me! Here's my number. I'm just a dumb blonde, but I must've done something right to get this far in a competitive place, right? And I've got connections!" She handed me the paper with a grin. Her writing was so loopy that I could barely make it out, and she had underlines it with a neat row of alternating hearts and stars.

I frowned. "Your hair is brown," I said.

Lyra shrugged. "Po-tay-to, po-tah-to."

I didn't bother to correct her.

After leaving Lyra's house I went for a very, very long walk. I thought about her for a while, and how she reminded me of a more 'mainstream' Crystal. She was determined, I'd give her that. She knew where she wanted to be and would stop at nothing to get there. Not like me. I didn't know what I wanted.

Mom was waiting for me when I got back home, arms folded, eyebrows furrowed. I could tell I was in for it, and my nervous smile only seemed to enrage her further.

"All right, Gold," she said. "You've been avoiding us. Not just Graham, me too. Don't worry, I sent him out." Her hands fell to her sides and her expression softened. "You know you can talk to me, honey."

"Mom..."

"If there's anything wrong, _please_, tell me," Mom interrupted me. Her breathng was becoming more and more laboured as she got more and more worked up. "You always used to be so honest with me, Gold, what happened to us?"

"Mom-"

"You're my son, but it feels like I don't even know you!" I knew I couldn't win – wild horses couldn't stop her when she embarked on one of her rants. "I know I haven't exactly been the world's number one mother. But I don't want to lose you too. I'm losing you. I've lost you-"

"Mom!" I grabbed hold of her shoulders, and she halted mid-sentence, lowered her hands from where she'd brought them up to her face. She stared at me for a moment before wrapped her arms around my neck and hugging me close. And even though I knew I was too old for this sort of treatment, I hugged her back just as needfully.

"My baby," she murmured. I _felt_ like a baby, clinging to her like this, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to lose her either. She stroked my hair gently. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Mom," I said quietly. Then I decided. This couldn't go on. "Mom?"

She pulled away. "What is it?"

"I know..." I looked at the floor. "I know you're pregnant."

She gasped audibly. Then gaped, like a goldfish. She raised her hands, holding them out flat, and for one horrible, wonderful moment I thought she was going to tell me that I'd got it all wrong. But I knew I hadn't.

"Don't deny it. Please," I begged.

Mom shook her head in disbelief, flopping down on the armchair. She looked so genuinely shell-shocked that I began to wonder if even she hadn't known.

"How long have you known?"

So much for that.

"Three days, maybe?"

"Oh God," Mum whispered, burying her face in her hands. "Gold, it's not... I was going to tell you; I just..." Her voice faded into nothing. Biting my lip, I sat down beside her and put my arm around her.

"It's okay," I said comfortingly. "This is good isn't it? Y-You are having it aren't you? I mean, you're not-"

"Of course I am," Mom whispered sharply. "Of course I am... How could you ask me that?"

"Sorry," I said quickly, trying in vain to swallow the grenade-sized lump that had risen in my throat. "Was it planned?"

"Oh, Gold-"

"Just tell me. Was it planned?" I was careful to keep my voice steady and strong. I deserved to know at least this much.

Mom slouched forward even more, so that her forehead was almost touching her clasped hands. "No," she said eventually.

It wasn't quite enough to make me breathe a sigh of relief, but it made me feel a little better. Just a little.

–

Dinner time was a quiet affair. Poor Graham didn't seem to understand why I suddenly wasn't talking to Mom as well as him, and every time he tried to strike up a subject he was met with simple one-word answers that closed off all paths to an interesting conversation. Mom and I tried to talk too, but our attempts suffered the same fates as Graham's. It wasn't like we were being deliberately awkward. It was just that none of us knew what to say, and feared that too much talking could lead to touchy subjects being brought to the surface. Like the marriage. Like the baby. Like Dad.

After ten minutes of near total silence, Mom threw her fork down on her plate and cried, "For God's sake! Three years!" She looked accusingly at me. It was so horribly unfair that I couldn't stand it.

"Yeah I know," I replied calmly, taking a sip of my water. "You'd have thought that after all this time you'd have learned to use a condom." I nearly choked myself on the water as I instantly regretted what I had said, but there was no going back now. I could only go forward.

Mom was looking at me as if she was torn between anger and tears. I forced myself to look back at her. Graham put down his cutlery and cleared his throat.

"I think you'd better take that back," he said quietly.

I didn't look at him. I wasn't going to take it back. He couldn't make me take it back.

"Why should I? It's true," I said.

"That's not-"

"You can't tell me what to do. You're not my dad. I don't even know you," I continued. My voice was shaking with exhilaration, and my hands were trembling. I had to stop. I knew I had to stop. But I didn't want to.

"Gold, please don't," Mom said.

"Why not? Y-You said you wanted me to- to be honest with you," I said. "But what's the point? Y-You don't mean it, nobody means it, you only want me to – be honest – w-when I say what you want to hear. If I say I don't want the wedding, or-or I don't want the baby, or I don't want any of this, then..."

Mom's hand flew to her lips. The shimmer in her eyes was impossible to miss. She tried to blink it away, but just ended up squeezing out a tear. "Ignore me... mood swings," she said quietly, and I honestly thought I was going to be sick.

I stood up. "You see?" I whispered. "This is why I keep my mouth shut." I paused, looking helplessly between Mom and Graham. "I'm going for a walk."

For the first time in my life, I understood why Silver would take a walk after boiling over. There was something about getting fresh air in your lungs and grass under your feet that was incredibly calming. I couldn't shift the sick feeling from my gut, though. I actually retched once or twice, I was so worried. I hadn't meant what I'd said.

Yes I had.

The weight of keeping everything bottled up had lifted from my chest... only to be replaced by stabbing guilt every time I recalled Mom's devastated expression.

I hadn't meant to make her cry. I'd wanted, just for a moment, to make her feel what I had been feeling. To shake off all the emotional baggage I'd been dragging around and just it all out in some mini volcanic eruption. I'd wanted to make them hurt. Both of them. I'd wanted to be selfish.

But I hadn't meant to make her cry.

I returned home well into the afternoon, knocking meekly on the door before entering. The front room was empty, and I had to call out a couple of times before I caught any inkling that Mom and Graham were in the house at all.

Graham came tiptoeing down the stairs looking greyer than usual. He looked surprised when he saw me, then gave a little nod and headed for the kitchen. I leaped up from where I was sitting on the sofa and followed him.

"How is she?" I asked weakly.

Graham sighed and put the kettle on. "She'll get over it," he said, taking two mugs out of the cupboard. He took a third and waved it slightly at me. "You want one?"

I nodded and bowed my head. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I-I didn't mean... I never meant-"

"It's all right," Graham said. "I know... things can get on top of us sometimes. It hasn't been easy for any of us."

"You mean _I_ haven't made it easy for any of us," I muttered.

Graham sighed, pouring out three cups of tea. "Well, we all made mistakes," he said. "It's just - sometimes, Gold, when I'm with you and your Mom... it feels like I'm taking a test, but I don't know the questions and I know I'm supposed to fail."

He took the packet of sugar out of the cupboard and began spooning it into the cups. When his hand was hovering above Mom's mug (he knew which one her 'special mug' was, I was impressed) I reached out to stop him.

"Mom doesn't take sugar," I said without thinking, and Graham smiled wryly.

"See what I mean?"

I chewed the inside of my cheek. "Sorry."

"That's okay," he said. He smiled. "I'm actually relieved. I'm not used to this family business."

"You're going to have to get used to it," I pointed out. "With the baby and all."

"Well I can't run from that!" Graham said, chuckling nervously. He handed me two of the mugs. "I don't want to be your father, Gold. But I do want to be your friend, if you'll let me."

"Well maybe we should get to know each other better first," I said, smiling.

"I'll settle for that," Graham agreed. He held his hand out to shake on it, then lowered it awkwardly when he realised I was still holding the mugs of tea. "Why don't you take one of those up to your Mom?"

I smiled gratefully. "Yeah."

It was a little tricky to shuffle up the stairs and knock on Mom's bedroom door while holding the scalding cups of tea, but I managed it. Mom was sat on her bed, cradling her hands on her lap. I sat down beside her and handed her her special mug.

"Thank you, sweetheart," she said, smiling gently at me. I put my own mug down on the bedside table and wrapped my arm around her as she sipped tentatively at her tea. She leaned against my shoulder, and for a split second it was like we had switched places, and I was the parent and she was the child.

"Tell me about Dad," I mumbled.

Mom broke away from me suddenly. "Gold, I've told you a thousand times..."

"I know. Just... one more time; please. I won't ever ask again," I begged.

For a moment it looked like she was going to refuse, but then she smiled. She used to love telling me about Dad, and it looked like that hadn't changed. "All right," she said, and put her mug down next to mine so she could rest her hand on my arm. "We met when we were still in school. I was a wild thing back then, and he was always so quiet. I suppose I thought he was a bit dull, since he was always studying. But he wasn't. Not at all."

I stayed quiet. I'd heard the story word-for-word before, years ago. I just needed to hear it one more time, that was all. Just once more.

"He was your regular Mr Science. So clever – you should've seen him and Professor Elm! I was never the brains of the outfit, but he never made me feel stupid. He was so amazing like that, your dad. We were nothing alike, but still, it was like we were meant for each other," she said. "He loved you, too. So much. He couldn't play games, he was much too serious for that, but he took very good care of you. When he found out... about the tumour... you were the one he was most worried about. He would've done anything to see you grow up. W-We made a tape, to show you when you were older. But we were so stupid, we must've thrown it out by accident... And by the time we found out he was too ill to make another one." Mom shook her head in a mixture of sadness and guilt.

She'd never told me about a tape before. "What did it say?" I asked quietly.

"That he loved you. And that he knew... he knew he'd be proud of you."

"Did you love him?" I already knew the answer.

"With all my heart!" Mom said, smiling. "I still love him, even now. Fourteen years and it feels like only yesterday I married him. He was my first love..."

"But not your last," I provided for her, and she covered my hand with hers.

"No, not my last," she agreed. "Graham is a good man, and I do love him for it. There aren't many around who would give an old lady like me a chance!"

"Mom, you're only forty-two," I said, a trace of amusement in my voice. I paused. "Do you love him more than Dad?"

Mom sighed. "I should've known that was coming," she mumbled. Taking a deep breath, she looked me straight in the eyes as she spoke. "I try not to think about it. I could lie awake in bed for hours thinking about that question, but what good would it do? I don't think there's even an answer. I still love your dad, very much, but I don't think I'm betraying him by loving Graham too. He wouldn't have wanted that." She reached for her tea again. "The way I loved your dad is different from the way I love Graham. I'm not as young as I used to be. It's not all fiery passion and opposites attract any more. It's nice and quiet and caring. But I can't put one above the other, because I'm a different person to who I was fourteen years ago."

I sat quietly, nodding at intervals throughout her speech. When she finished, Mom wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to tell you that," she whispered. I could feel her shaking around me. "I kept telling myself that I had plenty of time, so I kept putting it off and pushing it away... and before I knew it you grew up."

"I'm still your son."

"I know. And what a son you are for putting up with this cowardly mother for so long!" Mom pulled away, laughing nervously. She looked down at her lap and covered her belly protectively with her hands, half cradling it, half trying to hide it from me.

I leaned back on my hands and looked up at the ceiling. "I think I'll be okay now," I whispered.

Mom seemed to freeze at my words. "What?" she said hoarsely, looking back at me.

I smiled at her and nodded at her belly. "What're you going to call it?"

Mom gaped like a dead fish for a moment before pouncing on me, throwing her arms around my neck and practically squeezing the life out of me. "Why are you so _good?"_ she cried. "Who raised you! You're too nice to be my son!"

I let her hug me and kiss me and cry on me, and slowly my doubts fell away. I wasn't completely fine with the idea of her marrying Graham or having his baby, but I could get used to it. For Mom. And for me, too.

The rest of the week progressed smoothly. It was probably the first time I'd ever felt even close to comfortable around both Mom and Graham. It wasn't perfect, that was obvious, but it was a start. I could breathe again, and my mind was working overtime. I couldn't stop thinking, but it didn't scare me any more. I felt refreshed. Like I had something to look forward to but couldn't quite decide what.

I thought of Lyra and how she knew exactly what she wanted. I wasn't sure I could be like that – not yet. I had too many things to set straight and work out. A place to live would have to be one of my top priorities. I couldn't keep leeching off Crystal forever; her parents would inevitably get sick of me. There were other things I had to sort out to. And a whole lot of emotional tensions that went around and around in circles before leading back to the one person.

I left Newbark feeling like a different person. For the first time in a long time, I felt that everything was going to be okay.

And I knew exactly what I had to do.

–

**Argh. Sorry about the long wait, you guys. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that I might be getting in a lot of trouble with my parents very soon which will mostly probably result in my eternal banning from the computer. I really hope things don't escalate to that level, and even if they do, I'm adamant I finish this story before I disappear forever (or at least until I leave home). Just a warning though: loyal readers, please don't be offended if I disable anonymous reviews. It's nothing personal. It's just to stop the 'popular' students at my school posting 'reviews' telling me how much they hate me/my hair/my gay story. Bugger it... How did this happen...?**

**Anyway, onwards from angsting about my personal life, this is the first time I've ever posted two chapters at once. The reason for this is simple: I think I've tortured my supporters long enough! Many are desperate to see Gold and Silver back together, and I thank you all for putting up with the depressing chapters that focused more on character development than romance (for those of you wanting romance, of course).**

**Another reason was that I didn't really like the last Silver!chapter and didn't want to post it on it's own... I'll be the first to admit it was rather boring, since it was just showing that Silver was getting back on his feet and not much else (other than a bit of development on Blue). Luckily I do like this Gold!chapter. I've wanted to add a Lyra cameo for a while, but figured that I couldn't just throw her in there for no reason, so made her a contributing catalyst to make Gold think about his future. Lyra is a 'Marmite' character in the Pokemon fandom, so I tried to give her a 'Marmite' personality to match!**

**I'm not going to give anything away on what's going to happen next, but I'll (hopefully) reassure you by saying that I know exactly where I'm going! I've just counted in my head, and there's about ten more chapters to go 'til the end... but for now, I'm going to focus on the next chapter. I sure am going to enjoy writing it!**


	40. Love and the Breakup

I decided to take Blue's advice and apply for an apprenticeship. Luckily pokemon centres had free internet access, otherwise I'd would've been floundering helplessly in the amount of paper it would've taken to hold all the information I sucked up. I couldn't believe how many were available. Of course some were demanding certain qualifications that I didn't have, and a couple so obviously wouldn't be taking anyone with criminal records that it would be futile me trying. I managed to narrow things down and send off a couple of applications after about a week's worth of work.

In truth I didn't hold much hope that the applications would go through. But still, I had to try. I wasn't going to work in the festering pits of hell for the rest of my life, that was one thing I knew for certain. Even if I did get Thursday's off.

I'd taken to sleeping for majority of the weekend mornings. The pokemon centre beds tended to smell a little funny, but they were firmer and warmer and overall more comfortable than the bed in my old apartment. I seemed to be constantly tired nowadays, since I was on my feet all day doing the most drudging, mind-numbing work possible. It felt so good to wake up on a Saturday morning and realise that I didn't have to get up and run a couple of miles to Goldenrod so I could arrive at work on time.

I writhed and curled my toes, pulling the duvet over my head. My bed was so warm and the room was so cold. I'd forgotten to close the window the night before, and the wind's frosty breath had found it's way into my room, turning my breath to ice in the air. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle down and go back to sleep, but I'd wasted almost an hour just lying here, all curled up, and I was dying for a pee. I just couldn't muster the will to expose my almost-bare body to the ruthless cold.

Deciding enough was enough, I cocooned myself in my duvet and rolled out of bed, grunting as I hit the floor hard. Getting to my feet, I stumbled over to the window and yanked it shut. I headed to the bathroom, shivering and swearing. After taking care of my top priority, I inspected my face in the mirror. The bruises had faded and my skin was slowly returning to it's natural colour. I was in desperate need of a shave – my chin was so itchy it was almost unbearable – but I only used cheap, disposable razors and hadn't got around to buying a new pack.

A knock on the door made me jump. Dropping the duvet that I held around my shoulders, I hopped around the room, scooping up yesterday's jeans and T-shirt. "Coming, coming," I muttered, rubbing away the goosebumps that had formed on my arms as I headed towards the door.

I had expected one of the nurses, there to tell me to pack my stuff and get out because I was already over the three-day limit. So I was taken aback when I opened it to find Gold staring up at me; an icy hand seized my heart and hurled it into my throat.

Visually he hadn't changed much – but then, we'd only been apart for about a month. Maybe he'd gained a little weight, but it was such a small amount that I was probably the only one who had noticed. There was something different about him though, something that went beyond outward appearances. His eyes were harder. More determined.

I hesitated, shuffling up against the door and folding my arms in front of myself. "W-What?" I wasn't going to bother asking how he found me. He probably went to our flat and, when he found I wasn't there, came to the most obvious place. He knew I didn't have anywhere else to go.

Gold took a breath and licked his lips nervously. "I think... If we're going to break up, we ought to do it properly," he said.

Slowly, my pounding heart began to sink back into my chest. I stepped away from the door. "You'd better come in," I mumbled. One look told me Gold wasn't giving up on this, and I didn't want to risk anything in the middle of the corridor where potentially anyone could come along and see.

Gold walked in, and I closed the door behind him. I stared blankly at the wood for a moment, breathing hard, trying gather myself together. I couldn't keep fighting down all the things I had to say, and I couldn't let myself back out now, not when Gold had so conveniently provided the opportunity to do so.

Turning around, I saw Gold sitting awkwardly on the bare bed. The duvet lay abandoned on the floor or the bathroom. Dirty clothes littered the floor and a couple of empty instant noodle packets were scatters across the counter that lined the back wall. I coughed embarrassedly and nudged yesterday's socks and underwear behind the door with my foot. Pulling a chair out from under the one-person desk, I sat down and looked across the room. Gold looked back at me and gave a determined little nod.

"It wasn't Crystal," he said.

"No," I agreed.

"It would have happened anyway."

"Yeah."

Gold sighed and buried his face in his hands, the plain, hardened expression fading from his face and being replaced with simple tiredness. "We didn't talk. Why didn't we talk?" he asked. I could only shrug and lower my gaze, and he smiled sadly at me. "Never mind. It doesn't really matter now, does it?" he said. "Maybe it was never meant to work out."

"What do you mean?" I couldn't help asking. My voice was an almost inaudible mumble, but somehow Gold heard it.

He looked at me properly then, expressionless, but with the saddest eyes I'd ever seen. "I couldn't wait forever, Silver. Even if I wanted to. And I did," he said. "It just got so hard to be with you... knowing I could never have you, and I... I started to forget why I loved you in the first place."

That stung. A lot. Mainly because I knew he was right.

"Did you ever love me, Silver? Even just a little bit?"

The question snapped me to my senses, and I jerked my head up. I opened my mouth to answer, but the words failed me and I ended up gaping at him, jaw hanging open like an idiot. "W-What different would that make..." I began, but Gold raised his hands and I stopped.

"I know, I know," he sighed. "It won't change anything. But I just... did you love me?"

I owed him a truthful answer. I owed him at least that much.

"Yes," I whispered. "Very much."

Then I looked down and covered my mouth with the back of my hand. I knew I should've been completely worked up over pride and dignity, but I wasn't. It was so easy to say because I knew I wasn't risking anything – nothing would change, I wouldn't get hurt. It was so easy to say... because it was true.

I knew it was stupid to blush at a time like this but I couldn't help it. I could feel my cheeks and the tips of my ears burning, and I bit into my knuckle. I heard Gold chuckling half-hearted from across the room, but I didn't dare look at him.

"Well," he said, leaning back on the bed with one hand, "I sure wish you'd told me that sooner."

I forced a smile out. "Yeah," I said quietly, still staring down at my lap. "Sorry."

God's hand slipped out from under him, and he fell back on the mattress, rolling comically on his back for a moment before bolting upright. "What did you say?" he gasped. I supposed he had the right to be surprised. I rarely ever apologised, for anything.

I bit my lip and repeated, "I'm sorry. I-I didn't... treat you right."

I almost choked on the silence that followed.

"No," Gold said eventually. "You didn't. And I don't think I acted exactly how I should have, either. I think I stopped trying to understand you, after a while. I didn't mean to, but... I-I'm sorry, too."

"Gold, don't..." I didn't want it happening again. I didn't want him to start pouring all the blame on himself. He was always too hard on himself.

He smiled at me. "If you're allowed to feel guilty, I should be too," he said. "I'm just saying it was... a joint effort. Sixty-forty."

"Seventy-thirty?"

Gold shrugged. "Okay."

"Maybe eighty-twenty..."

"I'm not going to argue about it!" Gold cried. His smile wasn't exactly happy, but it wasn't exactly sad, either. Somewhere in the middle. He raised his eyebrows at me so the upward turn of his lips resembled something of a smirk, which didn't suit his childish face. "What's _happened_ to you? You're all..." He trailed off into something between a mumble and a grunt. I folded my arms in an attempt to hide the toothpaste stain at the hem of my T-shirt. Gold seemed to sense my anxiousness, and laughed nervously. "A-Anyway. I've thought about it and I think... we should stop seeing each other. Maybe. Yes."

"Yeah," I agreed quietly.

"B-But we can still be friends, right?" Gold asked, a little too eagerly. I released the breath I didn't know I'd been holding.

"If you want to. N-Not that I mind."

Gold grinned, the first genuine one he'd shown me since he arrived. "Good," he said. There was a pause. "I... should probably go." He got up and headed to the door. I didn't miss the shimmer in his eyes. I stood up, voice catching in my throat as I realised I had nothing to say. He turned to me, still grinning.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to cry," he said. He patted his chest determinedly and declared, "Self control!"

He opened the door and saw himself out, but hesitated in the corridor. He turned back to face me, and I found myself, embarrassingly, stumbling towards him. My hand found the silver chain I had bought him that was laying prominently on the desk. I didn't bother trying to smile. I'd already made enough of a fool of myself for one day.

"Where will you go?" Gold asked, looking up at me with poorly-concealed worry. "After your time here runs out? Y-Your flat-"

"I lost it," I said quickly, deciding that would be enough. Gold nodded knowingly. He knew we were behind on the rent before he left. I could sense the guilt building up inside him, tiny needles of it spraying out of his every pore and stabbing into me, forcing me to empathize. "I'm okay," I assured him. "I-I applied for... an apprenticeship, so..." I thrust out my hand, quite violently, and Gold jumped. "Here," I mumbled, face burning as I dangled the chain from my hand. "I don't know if you want this..."

Gold stared at me, open-mouthed for a moment. Then he nodded vigorously. "Thanks," he said, taking it from my hand and slipping it into the pocket of his jeans. There was another pause. I could tell he was nervous because he kept looking down and licking his lips. He could tell I was nervous because I kept curling and uncurling my bare toes. He held out his hand, stiffly, shakily, for me to shake. "See you around?"

I took his hand awkwardly in my own. "Yeah."

I wasn't sure how we ended up in each other arms, clinging desperately to each other. I no longer cared that we were in the middle of a busy pokemon centre corridor where anyone could see. I'd missed him so much. I hadn't realised _how_ much. I'd missed how soft he was and how he smelled of little kids' shampoo. I squeezed him tighter, half-afraid that I would crush him, and buried my face in the crest of his hair. His hands tightened around my middle and he clutched the back of my T-shirt; he needed this just as much as I did.

We didn't say anything. We didn't have to.

"You stink," Gold murmured into my chest after a while. I let him go and he stepped away from me, a little pink in the face but otherwise unaffected. I lifted the neckline of my shirt and sniffed it. He was right; I _did_ stink. He chuckled when I wrinkled my nose.

"I'll see you later, Silver," he said, waving slightly before jogging off down the corridor towards the stairs.

I wondered all weekend about whether Gold had meant what he said – about still being friends – or not. He'd _looked_ like he meant it, but I'd seen enough films and read enough books to know that that was what people _said_ to each other when they broke up. Just to soften the blow.

On Monday, after work, I didn't go straight back to the the centre I was staying at. I walked to Olivine, round to the port. It was just a coincidence that I ended up passing by the Gold's cafe and saw him through the window, taking orders and chatting with Crystal and customers. He would be leaving work soon. Thinking I might as well wait for him, I took a seat on one of the benches that lined the pier. I started thinking.

Maybe it was too much to hope for for him to actually want to see me. The more I thought about it the more restless I got, and eventually my nerves got the better of me and I chickened out. I got up began walking quickly away from the cafe – just at the time when Gold was leaving. He waved at me, and I hid in a gap between two buildings and prayed that he hadn't noticed.

I saw him passing by, an amused little smile on his face.

–

**I think I managed to shorten the gap between updates this time, if only a little. I've been pretty busy lately, with homework and practising for my school's musical (Avenue Q!), but I'm determined not to forget about my writing. The novelty of my gay online adventures** **seems to be wearing off too, so it looks like things are going to be okay after all!**

**I know what I wanted to get across with this chapter, but I'm not sure I succeeded. I often wonder if I'm being too subtle... but when I try to make things clearer, I start whacking the readers with hammers of obviousness. I have yet to find a middle ground!**

**The next chapter is one I'm really looking forward to. It shall be entitles 'Love and Pans'. I'll leave you to ponder what that might mean!**


	41. Love and Pans

I'd been seeing Silver a lot recently. I never actually got to speak with him though. It was mostly after work that I'd spy him, hanging around by the fishing boats at the pier, swaying from one foot to the other, bobbing up and down slightly at intervals and looking around with a pained expression on his face, twitching whenever somebody looked at him. I knew he was waiting for me. It looked like he had something to say, or ask. But whenever he spotted me, leaving work, he would trip over himself and run away. I never tried to run after him; I'd never be able to catch him with my short legs, and I wanted to wait until he was ready. If he knew I'd seen all his last-minute escapes, he'd be so embarrassed.

His weird behaviour continued for almost two weeks, and by then he had attracted not only my attention, but the attention of Alan, Crystal and a couple of regulars. Crystal kept joking that he was stalking me. Alan was more focused on his grungy appearance and how he would scare off customers. I racked my brains to remember his mobile number, but either I got it wrong or Silver had lost his phone, because I kept getting put through to the network, so I couldn't even chat to him about it impersonally, through texts.

It was the Saturday nearly a fortnight after I'd ended things between us officially that I finally got to speak with him. Crystal and I were taking Koko for a walk. Crys said she wanted to go to Borders to top up her scrap box with a healthy selection of newspapers and magazines, so we headed to Goldenrod. I waited outside while she browsed, holding tightly onto Koko, who was whining and pulling, desperate to follow her.

Dragging Koko forcibly by her collar further down the street, I caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and cringed as I remembered Lyra's blunt analysis of my appearance. I tugged at my baggy T-shirt, then pressed it flat against my stomach. I didn't look so bad, I decided. Maybe I could afford to wear something that made me look less... homely. Leaning towards my reflection, I wrinkled my nose and pushed out my lips. I placed two fingers under my chin, trying to imagine what I would look like if I took Lyra's advice and attempted to grow a beard. I jumped and let out a little gasp when I noticed a two women inside the shop staring back at me. I stepped back, coughing and blushing, pretending to read the note scrawled on the bottom of the window.

Through the glass I could see the street, reflected off the pane. Across the street, behind me, somebody was doing the exact same thing I was, checking his reflection, then looking away and pretending to be doing nothing of the sort. I could see his face reflected in the window in front of him. Our eyes met, and for a moment neither of us dared to move. I didn't dare to even breathe.

Then I turned around. He turned too, and I smiled sheepishly. He took a step back. He was going to run.

I gathered up Koko's lead and started crossing the road, feeling like I was approaching a wild, frightened animal; one wrong move and he'd disappear into the crowd. I was halfway across before he snapped and broke into a sprint.

"Hey!" I shouted, jogging over to the pavement. "Don't run away. Come back!"

But he had already skidded round the corner and disappeared. I sighed and shook my head; I'd lost him. I was about to cross the road and head back to Borders when I noticed long, pale fingers hook around the side of the wall. I stood still and folded my arms, waiting. It took almost a minute for him to slither back around the corner and lean there against the wall, hands in pockets, feigning casualness.

Somewhat amused, I rolled my eyes and wandered over to him, hamming up my 'casual' act to ridiculously over-the-top. A few people giggled, and Silver glared at me.

"Stop it," he hissed when I came to rest against the wall beside him.

"Stop what?" I asked innocently. Then I raise my eyebrows sternly at him. "Why'd you run?"

Silver gave a little shrug in response. Figuring that was the most I was going to get out of him, I decided to change the subject and nodded at the shop he had been examining: a barber's.

"Are you getting your hair cut?" I asked, a little surprised. Silver always cut his own hair.

Silver raised his hands to protectively cover the back of his neck. "I've got an interview next week," he muttered, hiding his face in his jacket collar.

That would explain his appearance then. He still looked tired – the bags under his eyes made that obvious – but he was clean-shaven and had abandoned the saggy black sweatpants he'd been wearing for the majority of the week in favour of a loose pair of jeans.

I struggled for what to say next. Silver hung his head and hunched up even more his hair falling over his face.

Koko started yanking on her lead. A moment later, Crystal appeared at me side with a straining bag hanging from her wrist. "I thought I'd lost you!" she cried, linking her arm with mine. Silver discreetly tugged his collar up to cover his face and didn't even turn to look at her, but I could see him watching out of the corner of his eye. Without thinking, I pulled my arm out of Crystal's grip. She looked surprised for a moment before turning her eyes towards Silver.

"Oh, hi Silver," she said, her voice gaining a pitch in surprise. "Are you getting your hair cut?"

"Maybe," Silver replied uncertainly, emerging from his jacket like a tortoise coming out of it's shell. He lifted a hand to touch his hair protectively, then changed his mind and let it drop back down to his side. Crystal looked almost ready to touch his hair, too.

"Oh, don't!" she begged. "Why would you want to cut off all your lovely hair?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Maybe I want a job."

Crystal just laughed and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder, which came off as not-so-playful when Silver actually staggered back a bit from the force. "Yeah, that 'long-haired-freaky-person' look might be a bit intimidating," she agreed, grinning at him. I bit my tongue. Silver wasn't going to like that.

But to my surprise, he just nodded jerkily and averted his eyes. Crystal elbowed me lightly in the ribs, obviously trying to spring me into action, but I was lost for words. Silver seemed to be suffering from the same affliction.

"I-I have to go," Silver muttered, taking a few steps back before turning and heading away.

"I thought you were getting your hair cut?" Crystal called teasingly after him. He scowled at her over his shoulder.

"I'm am! Just not now!" he said angrily, going pink in the face and walking away too quickly for it to be natural.

Crystal let out a snort of laughter, and I couldn't help but smile too. "You shouldn't tease him like that," I said, only to be met by Crystal's hand waving dismissively in my face.

"Oh, _pshaw,"_ she said. "He likes it!"

"No he doesn't."

"He likes _you_," she insisted, serious now.

I shook my head and started walking down the street in the opposite direction to Silver. I didn't want to hear that, not now. "We're friends," I said firmly.

"Just friends, huh?" Crystal asked sceptically, skipping a bit to keep up with my brisk pace.

I hesitated before answering, "Yes."

When we got back to Crystal's house, she insisted we get straight to work on her new magazine collection, because she nearly had enough to cover one wall of her bedroom. Snatching two pairs of scissors from the kitchen, she dragged me upstairs by the wrist and thrust a stack of papers into my arms, telling me, "Look for something interesting! Even one line will do!"

I struggled my way through a 'Man Falls in River Chasing One-legged Goose' and a picture of a Kangaskhan dressed as a professional wrestler, but by the time I reached the article on Charlie The Smoking Aipom I had cramp in my wrist, and ended up tearing an offensive headline referring to ginger rodents.

"Watch what you're doing!" Crystal scolded playfully, shaking her scissors at me. Then she grinned wickedly at looked at them, practising her best serial killer look. "You'll have someone's eye out!"

I rolled my eyes and pretended to cower, then unhooked my hand from the pair she'd given me and rubbed it. "Got any left-handed ones?" I asked guiltily, feeling like a burden.

Crystal looked sympathetically at my sore right hand. "Sorry," she said. "Me and my folks are righties." She let herself topple sideways, so that she was laying on the floor, and slithered under her bed, baring her red frilly bloomers as her spotted skirt fell over her head. A few oddly titled magazines, some make-up and a couple of yaoi mangas were thrown out before she emerged triumphant, wallet in hand. She fished out a couple of notes and forced them into my hand.

"What's this for?" I asked, staring stupidly.

"Left-handed scissors, of course. I can't do this alone, so you'll have to go and buy some. Chop chop! There's that chain-store having a sale on in Goldenrod."

"All the way in Goldenrod?" I whined, and Crystal's blue eyebrows tented upwards.

"_Please?" _she begged. "I really have to get this done soon. My mom said she was going to throw all my scraps out, so I have to get them up on the wall before she gets the chance to!"

I supposed I was just a natural-born pushover, because I just couldn't resist her pleas. I heaved myself up with a sigh, and Crystal smiled apologetically. "Thanks, Gold. Buy something that's comfortable for you!" she said. "I'll keep working here. See you later."

And being the pathetic dogsbody that I so often could be, I smiled genuinely and headed out and didn't even consider that Crystal had just wrapped me around her little finger yet again until I'd reached Ecruteak. And even then, I _still_ felt guilty about the idea of spending her money!

I found my eyes wandering to the pokemon centre. Chances were that Silver was staying there. When had two pairs of scissors in our apartment, a right-handed pair for him and a left-handed pair for me. I really didn't need those scissors.

But who was to say he even had them any more? There would be no need for him to take them with him, since we'd broke up.

But I didn't want to waste Crystal's money.

But he might not even be there.

I really did need those scissors.

And I couldn't let Crystal down. So I decided to chance it. Even if it was a terrible idea, even though Silver might not even want to see me, even if he wasn't even staying there. I wanted to see him.

I told the nurse I was his cousin. She gave me a funny look and I realised that I had probably just told the most unconvincing lie ever, considering the huge difference in appearance and the fact that I was Asian and he wasn't. Still, she gave me the room number, and I couldn't stop my heart from leaping into my throat. I suddenly regretted ever walking into the place.

My feet felt like lead as I walked up the stairs. I imagined I was feeling exactly how Silver must have when he waited around outside the cafe, wanting to go in but at the same time dreading it. But I wasn't like Silver. I wasn't going to back out when I was so close – even if my stomach was twisting in anticipation and my heart was pounding like a jack-hammer.

I knocked loudly and quickly on the third door along, not giving myself a chance to change my mind. I actually felt a lot better after doing that. The first step was always the hardest. I stood, shuffling my feet, while I waited. I wasn't really expecting him to be in, so I was taken aback when the door swung open. I jolted and stepped back, and Silver mirrored me. Then he cleared his throat and lowered his gaze, trying to act nonchalant, like he was expecting me to show up at his door.

"Do you-" It came out as a high-pitched little grunt, and Silver went red and had to try again. "Do you need something?"

"Um, yeah, actually." Trying to ignore how completely stupid I was about to sound, I blurted, "Do you have any left-handed scissors?"

"Oh. No. I-I left them when..."

"No, it's fine! I mean, it's not like I expected you to have kept – well I thought _maybe_ you would have, but there's really no reason you would since – so..." I smiled sheepishly. "Don't worry about it. I've got money so I'll just buy a pair."

"Okay..." Silver said uncertainly. "Why do you need them?"

"Crystal's cutting things – magazines and stuff – for her wall. I said I'd help, but..."

A slight trace of a smirk flickered over Silver's face, and for some reason it put me at ease. I released a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding.

"You're a pushover," he pointed out, and I smiled wryly.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm weak, I'm pathetic," I said. I grinned up at him, and for a moment it looked like Silver was going to smile back. I wasn't sure whether it was nerves or pride that stopped him, but all he managed was a brief, tight twitch of the lips and a pained frown. It was almost like old times. Like we were best friends again. Almost.

"I'd better go," I said quietly, though I didn't move. "Want to come with me?"

"...To the supermarket?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. There's a sale on, you could buy a... pan."

Silver stared down at me for a moment, and I could clearly see the struggle in his flickering grey eyes. Then he bowed his head, fidgeted and wiped his nose on the back of his hand; and suddenly he wasn't over six feet tall and nearly twenty years old any more, and I felt like I was looking down at a frightened little kid. "I might need a pan," he mumbled.

–

We didn't talk much on the way to Goldenrod. A couple of times, it seemed one of us was going to try. Usually it was me; I'd open my mouth, take a breath and look up at him, then forget what I was going to say and laugh sheepishly. Silver would smile then, just a little, and just for a fraction of a second.

I was about a street away from Goldenrod department store when I realised that Silver was no longer at my side. My first thought was that he had gotten swept away by the thickening crowd, and I turned back. He wasn't hard to find; I could easily see the top of his red head bobbing above the rush of people. I stumbled over and grabbed him wrist.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm not going in there," he said briskly, pulling his arm away. I frowned.

"Why?"

I crossed my arms and held his gaze as passers-by were forced to meander round us, some of them sighing and making noises of general disapproval. He broke first, looking away to one side. "I got fired," he mumbled. "I had a fight with Green."

"Oh," I said. Then I sighed. "I thought you were past all that." Silver's eyes started to freeze over, and I quickly changed the subject. "Well, whatever. Hey, there's a hardware store just around the corner, we could go there!"

Silver had his sulky face on – an expression I hadn't seen for a while. "That's stupid. You'll miss the sale."

I paused and thought about it. "You're right, that _is_ stupid," I agreed. I pointed decisively at the ground. "I'll be ten minutes. Are you going to wait here for me?"

Silver glared at me, not taking too kindly to being addressed like a dog. I had half a mind to hold out my palm and order him to _stay_, just to see his reaction. He kicked the ground a bit, and I wondered whether he was going to freeze or charge.

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't," he said belligerently. I must have been giving off amused vibes, because he seemed to have caught on that I was teasing him.

It didn't take long for me to find the cutlery section of the store; I was physically stunned by the blinding sheen reflected off the rows of metal cookware. Knives and forks hung from racks, forming makeshift wind-chimes that I was slightly afraid to walk under. Everywhere I looked my face was reflected back at me, which only served as a disorientation – it took me more than a few minutes to work my way through the epic casserole dish labyrinth to the cloying corner in which the scissors were located. Luckily, the first left-handed pair I tested fit my hand pretty well, and I wasn't picky. I met Silver back on the street, a little further down than where I'd left him. He was walking away, deliberately but very slowly. So slowly that people were tripping over him.

"You're leaving?" I asked teasingly.

He jerked slightly and carried on walking with me by his side. "Stop it," he said.

"Stop what?"

"You're making fun of me."

"No I'm not," I protested, and Silver raised his eyebrows at me. I cringed. "Well, just a bit." I gave him a gentle nudge with the back of my hand, and smiled at him when he looked at me. "Sorry."

He made a small huffing noise, that was probably Silver language for 'it's okay'. Or, more probably, 'whatever'.

Route Thirty-seven always sent waves of nostalgia rushing through me, and today was no different. Maybe it was all that time I spent as a kid trying to catch Arthur of Thursday: a memory that I was sure I remembered as being more enjoyable than it actually was. I got the feeling I had forgotten something. And I was fairly certain it wasn't that photograph of a Stantler Crystal kept heckling me for – back when she was in her Defender of Pokemon Rights stage.

I snapped my fingers. "We forgot to buy a pan."

Silver stopped in his tracks. "Pan?"

"The pan you needed?"

I had to hand it to him, he did a pretty good job of pretending he hadn't forgotten all about it. Fumbling was at a minimum, he only stuttered once and barely blushed at all. He told me he'd forgotten to bring any money. I smirked to myself. He'd improved.

"How much longer have you got?" I asked as we approached the pokemon centre.

"Two days. After that I'll probably go to Olivine or Mahogany." Silver shrugged. "Just so you know."

"Is that you trying to tell me you want to do this again?" I asked.

"What, to buy scissors?"

"Yeah, to buy scissors."

"J-Just as friends."

"Of course."

For the first time Silver smiled, the corners of his mouth twitching and twisting upwards just a little. It wasn't his real smile. He never noticed when he was _really_ smiling. But he was trying, and that was something. He even dared to look hopeful. Just for a second. I think. The flash of light behind his eyes was brief but unmissable... and was quickly extinguished by a hint of fleeting sadness. I bit my lip. I had to be careful. I wasn't going to let it happen again – we'd already hurt each other enough...

...But that look he had given me, however quick, was hard to bear. Like someone had thrust the Master Sword into my chest and was using the power of the seven sages to twist it around and-

-And my phone was playing _The Legend of Zelda_ theme. I shot Silver an apologetic look before answering. "Hello?"

"Oh my God, it's you." Crystal practically blew my ear off with the volume of her voice. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Silver wince, and I knew he had heard her too.

"Of course it's me, who else would it be?" I asked.

"I thought you'd been kidnapped!" she cried. "You've been ages!"

"Not _that _long," I said sulkily. I could sense Silver growing uncomfortable; he was shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"As long as you're all right..." Crystal sighed with relief. Her voice took on a more jokey tone when she finally spoke again. "Really, how selfish can you be? Think of all the trouble I would've had to go through if you'd really been kidnapped. You're about as far from a young, pretty, blonde, white woman as you can get, how long do you think I'd have had to stand on my soapbox before I got people to get off their behinds and look for you?"

"Well thanks Crys, I'll bear that in mind for the next time a knife-wielding maniac tries to take me hostage," I said, turning to Silver with a smile to show my resignation, but he was already heading back to the pokemon centre. "I'll see you in half an hour," I said quickly, and snapped my phone shut before Crystal could keep me any longer.

"Hey, Silver!" I called. He turned around, and I simply waved. "See you later."

Silver raised his hand in a slight wave before quickly turning and rushing towards the pokemon centre, so fast that the automatic doors didn't open fast enough and he hit his head on the glass. He had to wait for it to open properly, clutching his poor nose and looking extremely embarrassed. He looked back just as he walked inside, and just happened to catch me at a bad moment – I was laughing to myself and shaking my head. He went bright red, scowled at me, and tripped over the doormat.

–

I didn't want to appear clingy. But at the same time I didn't want Silver to feel like I only spent that bit of time with him because I felt guilty for leaving him, and that my visit was a one-off to make sure he was okay, absolving me of my guilt in the process. And of course, I didn't want Silver to think of me that way, as a person who would play on another's emotions just to get a little peace of mind.

Therefore, it was completely normal and acceptable that I would show up at his door the very next day – early, so I wouldn't miss him.

He looked surprised to see me, and even more surprised to see me holding a frying pan in front of his face. So surprised that he couldn't manage more than a feeble: "What?"

"You said you needed a pan, didn't you?" I asked cheekily, blushing.

"Oh. Th-thanks." He looked unsure as he took the pan from my outstretched hands, like he was looking for the catch. "...Did you buy this?"

"No, I stole it," I said flatly. Then I grinned. "Of course I bought it."

"Right." Silver had the pan held up to his chest so that it covered most of his face and acted as a shield between us. And that shield wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

"Well..." I shrugged and sighed, momentarily defeated. It was obvious Silver wasn't crazy about seeing me – but why would he be? Things weren't exactly crystal clear between us. We had known each other for years, and yet we were acting like complete strangers. I _felt_ like we were complete strangers, and that we were learning about each other all over again. I didn't want to risk bringing up the past. That was a can of worms I definitely didn't want to open; all it would do would bring back a lot of memories that I didn't want to recall. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to handle it.

"Bye," I murmured. I took a few steps back still facing Silver before turning and taking off down the corridor.

"Wait."

I froze. "...Yeah?"

Silver was tomato red. "It's the wrong pan," he blurted.

I almost laughed aloud. "What?"

"I... It's the wrong pan. It's a frying pan... I needed a saucepan," he said.

Slow as ever, it took me a while for the true meaning of his words to sink in. "We should take it back to the shop," I said, nodding knowingly.

"Yeah, we should."

I gave him a little smile before turning and making my way down the staircase. When I reached the bottom, Silver was at my side.

Predictably, he froze up when we were approaching the department store. I gave him a little push. "Come on, you won't be able to buy a different one if you don't go in," I said, wagging the frying pan at him. Silver shuffled back, accidentally stepping on someone's toes as he did so. The person shoved him roughly forward and he stumbled and looked like he was going to shove back, or at least make a scathing comment, but he didn't, and I leapt on his silence like a hungry cat on a mouse. "You can't avoid the place forever."

Silver mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like 'yes I can', and I supposed he was right – but I wasn't going to admit that to him.

"You know I'm right," I said.

Silver turned to me, eyebrows knitted together. "If I see anyone I know-"

"I'll hide you," I said jokingly.

"...We'd better be quick."

Silver pretty much dragged me to the cookware department. I don't think my feet even touched the floor from when we entered the place to when we reached the right counter, where he plonked me own unceremoniously at his side. I stood stunned for a while before grinning.

"Wow, that was quick," I commented.

"Shut up." He pushed his flattened palm against my shoulder, making me stagger a bit. I pushed him back, and he frowned at me. I couldn't stop the smile that spread stupidly across my face, and Silver looked away. He kept glancing at me as we inched forward in the queue to the checkout, sporting that little bitey-lipped, nervous half-smile of his. I pretended not to notice.

"Receipt," the dead-eyed clerk ordered, extending a hand as I laid the pan down on the counter.

"Excuse me?"

"If you want your money back, I need the receipt to verify that you actually bought it from here."

"...I haven't got it."

"Then I can't give you your money back. Sorry." The clerk waved his hand to a woman behind us. "Next." She barged into me with her heavy bags as she approached, and Silver and I were forced to shuffle sheepishly away.

"So," I said, sighing. "What're we going to do? With this I mean." I pressed the pan into his hand.

Silver paused for a moment, then nodded decisively. "I'm going to cook in it."

–

It would have been a huge waste to have walked all the way to Goldenrod department store and not buy anything, so we picked up a few veggies that were fast approaching the end of their shelf life along with some cooking oil and Chinese noodles. Silver's room at the pokemon centre played home to a slightly fault hob, which did a satisfactory job of frying it all up. I did all the chopping; Silver told me wryly not to be too careful with the knife: if I cut off my thumb I might be able to sue the centre for damages, and he could use the money. I said if he was so desperate he should just burn himself with the hob.

There was only one chair in the place. Silver let me have it. He sat on the unmade bed, tugging at the duvet behind his back with his free hand, trying in vain to make it a little neater.

"You don't sit on your bed while you eat," I scolded.

"Watch me," Silver cheekily replied, scooping up a clump of noodles with his fingers and pushing them into his mouth with as much dignity as he could manage.

"You'll get it all over," I said. "I can't believe you only brought one fork with you."

"I wasn't exactly expecting visitors."

I smiled apologetically and set my fork down with a clink on my plate and joined Silver in the finger-to-mouth meal. "This is actually pretty fun," I said with a grin.

Silver gave me a quizzical look, head tilted slightly upwards, a few locks of hair falling over one eye. I think he was trying to appear cool and intelligent; maybe he was practising for his interview. But he looked so hilarious that I started laughing. He scowled at me, which only made me laugh harder for some reason. He picked up the pillow and threw it at me.

"Bastard."

The pillow hit me full in the face and knocked me back a little, leaving my teetering alarmingly on it's back legs before thudding back down on all fours. Plucking the pillow off my head, I hurled it back at him. It nearly knocked his plate out his hands.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. Silver's lips tightened, but his eyes were clearer than they had been. I knew he was happy.

"Gold?" he said suddenly, and I jumped. It still felt alien to have him say my name.

"Yeah?"

Silver stuffed a strip of cabbage into his mouth, making an embarrassing slurping noise as he did so. He wiped his lips before continuing, eyes glued to the floor. "Are we okay?"

I swallowed. Silver got up and took his now-empty plate to the sink behind me.

"Yeah," I said, smiling and leaning my chin on my hand. "Yeah, I think we are." I turned to look at him. "What do you think?"

Silver took on his defensive look. I guessed he still didn't trust me yet. Or he was still afraid of me. "Maybe," he said vaguely. "If you want to be."

"Then you won't mind doing the washing up, right?" I asked teasingly, holding out my plate. Silver's glare quickly faded and he shook his head in amazement, taking the plate from my hands. "You're doing it next time," he said offhandedly.

"Next time?" I asked.

He froze. "N-Not that... only if you want to."

"I might like that." I smiled. "You're really submissive today, eh?"

"I'll show you submissive in a minute," he snapped, testing the water with his fingers as it poured into the sink. I decided it probably wasn't a good idea to antagonise him when he had boiling-point water at his disposal. He slid his plate into the bowl and frowned at mine. "You didn't finish."

"Yeah, so?"

"So since when do you not finish?" he asked rudely. I pulled a face at him.

"I'm on a diet," I said haughtily. "Smaller portions, no snacks."

"You'll starve yourself."

"Only until I'm normal again," I said jokingly. "Don't worry, it's a proper diet. Crystal's mom said she used it, and she's like ancient, so it's not like I'll die."

"Yeah, but men need more food than women," Silver pointed out.

I thought about this.

"Give me that plate," I ordered.

"Thought you didn't want it," Silver said plainly, picking at the remainders of my noodles.

"Silver, I'm starving here! I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast! Do you even know what that's like?" I whined.

"I haven't eaten in two days."

"Really?"

"No, you idiot, of course not." Silver smirked and turned his back on me. I leaped at him.

"Give me that, I need it!" I cried, trying to wind around to face Silver, but he kept twisting and turning away from me. "This isn't fair!"

"Okay, fine, whatever," Silver relinquished the plate and I dived on it like a wolf on it's prey. He watched with thinly disguised disgust as I stuffed the rest of the food into my mouth as if it was my first meal in weeks and was about to be ripped from right in front of me at any moment. I cleaned the plate and raised my eyes to meet Silver's. He was smirking, and I blushed and wiped my lips.

"Shut up," I muttered.

"That's disgusting," Silver said, taking the plate from me and putting it in the sink. I searched for a towel to dry with. Silver said I'd probably end up smashing everything; I had to agree. But that didn't matter. I could hear the smile in his voice, even if it wasn't reflected in his face. We didn't talk much as we cleaned the place up; we didn't have to. I knew we were friends again.

–

**Aw man, I'm so sorry about the huge wait. I've been pretty busy lately, and I got writer's block in the middle of this chapter. College has been piling on the pressure, so the gaps between updates will probably be larger than they were before... but hopefully not _this_ long!**

**Gold and Silver were pretty awkward this chapter, so they both felt milder than usual. Well I guess that's what nervousness does to you! I'm looking forward to building them up again though.**


	42. Love and an Apprenticeship

On a scale of one to ten on how well my interview at the Radio Tower went, I would have to award it something in the _minus_ area. I left feeling thoroughly rejected and more than a little desperate – I had to get a job before December, when any and all free posts would find themselves filled with greasy college students in Christmas holiday work. It took me an hour longer than it should've to get back to Olivine. I kept my hands in my pockets and my eyes on the ground the whole way.

Blue had given me her old phone. I wished she hadn't. Gold said he would call me after my interview to see how it went, and what was I supposed to say? I bombed and sunk all their battleships. There were no survivors.

I had barely been in my room five minutes when my phone started ringing. The screen flashed with _Unknown Caller, _but I knew the number of by heart. I considered just letting it ring – for about ten seconds, when I caved and answered.

"Hello?" I didn't want to sound creepy or desperate by letting on that I knew his number by heart.

"Hi, Silver," Gold said. He sounded pleased, and a little shy. I grimaced as he continued, oblivious. "How did your interview go?"

I coughed a little and didn't reply. Gold listened expectantly for a moment before catching the hint. "Oh. Never mind," he said. He brightened and added, "It might not be as bad as you think. Did you give them your number?"

"I don't think they're going to call," I muttered.

"Well you never know. They might-"

"They never want to see me again, Gold," I said irritably, interrupting him. He fell silent, and I sighed and held a hand to my aching head. "I knew I should've cut my hair."

"It had nothing to do with your hair," Gold said briskly, and I bit my tongue, knowing he was right but hating him for saying it. I supposed I was asking for it, but since when did he get so confident? Oh, right. When he broke up with me.

I sighed heavily and threw myself down on the bed. The mattress was thin, and my hip hit the bedstead through it with a dull crack. I swore and rubbed it as Gold snickered down the phone.

"Shut up," I said. I forced my brave face. "Well whatever. I could just... take up drinking and sell the cans..." The scary thing was, I was only half-joking.

Gold laughed nervously. "You have another interview though, right?"

"Yeah, just one. Next week."

"Well... Good luck." I could almost hear him shrug. Suddenly I was struck with the urge to break out into full-on interrogation mode as I realised that, most probably, he was calling me from Crystal's house. I forced it down, swallowing and feeling something stick in my throat. It left a bitter taste in my mouth.

Gold hung up before I could say goodbye. Probably to avoid the conversation getting any more awkward. We'd been spending more time together and had managed to get back on good terms, but I don't think I was imagining the invisible barrier that had formed between us over the time we spent apart. We were friends again... but I couldn't forget being _more_ than friends. I couldn't forget the feel for his arms around me or the warmth of his lips on mine. My cheeks still heated shamefully at the thought.

I tried not to think about it. I hated feeling this way, so vulnerable and unsteady. I'd let myself slip more than I'd realised. I was trying so desperately to put things right with Gold that I hadn't realised I was relying on him to do the same with me. I couldn't do it on my own. I needed him to guide me. I wasn't as strong as he thought I was. I wasn't as strong as anyone thought I was.

I couldn't stand it.

–

When the school councillor did her rounds and asked us all in the most patronising tone possible what we hoped to be doing in ten years time, I was fairly certain that scavenging for a job at the local day-care centre, being scrutinised by a crumbling old bat with dust in her wrinkles, wasn't at the top of my list. And yet, here I was, shrinking under an OAP's kindly gaze.

"Do you have any experience?" she asked, glancing from me to my application. I wrapped my mind in steel, clinging to the little of the how-to-ace-your-interview DVD that I could remember. _Rule five, do NOT fidget._

"Not... exactly," I said. "I thought the whole point of an apprenticeship was to learn on the job." Crap. I shouldn't have said that. The woman raised one thin wispy eyebrow at me, but said nothing.

"Sorry," I said quickly.

"I'll let it slide for now."

I couldn't remember if the just-got-out-of-college narrator had told me to keep it formal or informal.

The woman didn't speak to me for a good five minutes as she read and reread my application. I sat back in my seat, folded my arms and tried to look confident. The image was ruined when I remembered there was no back on my seat and almost fell back onto the floor. There was nothing to be scared of in here, really. It was a perfectly normal, perfectly boring house. I'd been expecting a bit more mess considering their choice of occupation, but the only evidence that the place had ever been anything but dull, colourless and squeaky-clean was the faint whiff of fur.

"Well you're lucky," the woman said suddenly, making me jump. "My husband's out at the moment, and I'd like to talk it over with him. Why don't you stay for the day, have a practice, see how it goes?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah."

She smiled. "Just go through that door there, and get the green-haired boy to show you around. Mind you don't tread on anything!"

I stumbled to my feet and tripped over the chair in my haste to get the hell out of there before she could change her mind. When I opened the door, a fat yellow pokemon that must've been leaning on it fell into the house, fast asleep. I panicked and nudged it back outside with my foot as I passed.

The outdoor pen was what a kindergarten playground would look like on a TV with all the colours turned up too bright. The grass was a dizzying neon green, and was decorated here and there with near-luminescent plastic toys. Why the hell would pokemon need toys anyway? It was giving me a headache just to look at.

In the middle of the green carpet of grass there crouched a long-haired woman in a white jacket, stroking a furret fondly on the head. The furry thing squeaked and nuzzled into her hand. The woman's back was facing me; I approached her and cleared my throat, feeling more than a little stupid. I was wearing my best jeans and jacket, and she was sporting a tracksuit and playing with cute fluffy creatures.

The woman turned towards me as she stood up, and I nearly choked when I was found myself face-to-face with decidedly masculine features.

"Hello," the man greeted.

"Uh, hi," I said, still slightly baffled. I couldn't help but stare at the mass of green hair that he had poorly contained under a black cap. He had long hair... I felt just a little bit better. "I'm here for the apprenticeship... the woman told me to get you to show me around."

"You mean Mrs Morgan," the man said. He held out his hand for me to shake, and I hesitated. He'd been working out here for God knows how long – and I'd just seen him handling a furret. If a flea or some other bug got onto his hand... He saw me frowning and let his arm drop back to his side. "I'm N. My search for enlightenment has led me here – what about you?"

"Uh, Silver," I said. Great, another nutjob. It wasn't like there was enough of them in my life already. "So... just N?"

"Just N."

"Your parents named you after a letter?"

"Your parents named you after a metal." N smiled. He had one of those ageless faces; when relaxed he looked like he might be older than me, but when he smiled, suddenly he looked much younger. "So you're working here?"

"Not yet. Not ever, probably," I said.

"And why's that?" N asked innocently, busying himself with a bulbasaur that was trying in vain to mate with a ponyta.

I sighed. "Criminal record."

"That's the piece of paper that says you did bad things, right?" N asked. "I have one of them."

I stared at him. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah," he said. "I don't think Mr Morgan knows what it is."

If I'd lacked the basic functions of pride, self-control and foresight, I would probably have kissed him.

"Are you going to show me around or what?"

–

I decided not to tell anyone about my new-found job with Mr and Mrs Morgan until I was absolutely sure that they weren't going to change their minds and fire my ass within a week. I still couldn't quite believe it myself – I wasn't exactly the go-to guy on health care, but that was what an apprenticeship was all about: learning on the job. Plus I wasn't too keen on the idea of broadcasting that ice-cold man-of-steel Silver was making a living taking care of fluffy bunearies.

Within my first few days at the centre I had to admit I'd learned a lot. Like how Mrs Morgan was a mathematic genius with the memory of an especially high-capacity computer, and still couldn't figure out how to make a cup of coffee. And how Mr Morgan had a recurring blind spot that kicked in every time a pokemon saw a particularly humpable leg. And that N tasted every dish of pokemon food before serving it up.

I'd caught on early that I was more suited to the financial side of things than the actual raising and breeding side. N, I decided, wasn't a complete freak after all, and more of a sort of advanced savant whose speciality was being extremely good at caring for pokemon. His attempts to educate me hadn't been entirely unsuccessful, but I shied away from revealing any new skills in front of him because he was so obviously better than me.

"_Fuck;_ you little-" I snatched my hand away from the feral little rattata that had decided to rip a chunk out of my hand when I gave it it's food.

"Something wrong?" N asked, bouncing irritatingly to my side and laying down two more bowls of food.

"Bastard bit me," I hissed, sucking my throbbing finger. I looked accusingly at him. "You gave me the wrong food."

N rolled his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with the food. You're just not handling it properly," he said. Bending down, he picked up a pellet from the bowl I had placed down and held it out to the bristling rattata. It hesitated before snatching the pellet from his hand and scampering away. "See?" he said. "He has a timid nature, so he likes sweet food. But you can't just throw it at him, you have to be gentle." Squatting down, he picked up another pellet and held it out. The rattata approached him again, this time with less apprehension, and took it. It settled down in front of him to eat.

"I didn't throw it," I muttered under my breath. N raised an eyebrow at me and stood up.

"You would say that," he said.

"What do you mean, I would say that?"

"Sassy nature," N replied. "You don't like to admit when you're wrong."

"_What?"_

"You can rub people up the wrong way..."

"I am not _sassy!"_

"You can appear selfish..."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"And you always do your best to look strong... though all you really want is someone to understand you. You want to be loved, but at the same time you're scared of it." N turned to me with an infuriatingly innocent smile. "I'm right, aren't I?"

"Hello no. You're not right," I said gruffly, brushing past him to separate a frisky Plusle and Minun. My cheeks were burning. I knew N had followed me and was standing close behind me, but I didn't acknowledge his presence, and when I stood up and kept my back to him.

I flinched and stiffened when I felt a slight pressure against the back of my head, just above the nape of my neck, like the sharp tips of fingers. The pressure moved a little, rubbing my scalp in that one tiny spot. I got over the initial shock surprisingly quickly. It felt good. _Really_ good. My eyes closed as my mind began to drift.

Only after a few moments, when the fingers stopped working their magic and pulled away, did I spring to my senses. I whirled around, one hand clamped protectively over the back of my head, glaring accusingly at N.

"What the hell?" I snapped. N smirked and said nothing. The furret that liked to follow him around clawed it's way up his jacket to perch on his shoulder, and he plucked it off and with one deft forefinger began stroking the back of its head. It squeaked happily and rubbed up against him.

I went bright red.

N chuckled and lifted the furret up to look at it. "See; we're not so different."

I heard the door open behind me and I turned, fully expecting Mr Morgan to be starting his usual exciting expedition around the pen looking for new eggs to pry from a pokemon's unsuspecting grip. Instead a young man with dark brown hair came sauntering in. He raised a hand in a half-hearted wave, and N suddenly looked half-pleased, half-exasperated.

"Don't laugh," he whispered, nudging me in the ribs.

"Why would I laugh?" I asked. N just widened his eyes warningly at me before turning back to the dark-haired man.

"Hi, Ennnngh," he greeted, blinking heavily.

"Hello," N said uncertainly. He was still casting worried glances at me. "Silver, this is Black. He's my human friend – at least he _was._" He glared at Black from under his cap.

"Your human friend?"

Black smiled knowingly at me, nodding at N in that 'just-ignore-him' way.

"You're here for Daniel, right?" N asked briskly, still frowning and looking like a little kid who'd lost his lollipop. "Well you can't have him."

"Who's D-D-D... Duh-D-D-uhh-Daniel?"

"You can't just call him 'furret' all the time! How would you like it if I called you 'man'?" N pointed out, holding the furret he had been feeding close to his chest. "Anyway, you're not having him. You're horrible, going on holiday and leaving him here."

"It was only a wuhh... a weee... a wee-eek. The hotel d-d-didn't allow p-pokemon; I knew he'd be safe with you. I'm n... not going back to Unova without hi-_iim," _Black said, and as if on cue, the furret squirmed its way out of N's arms and scampered over to Black's side. It sped up his leg to his belt and deposited itself into its pokeball with a quick flash. N scowled.

"You know I don't like those."

"He went in himself. I'm i-in-innocent," Black said. He turned to me. "You say, d-d-diii-didn't you?"

I cleared my throat and nodded, not looking at him. He smirked. "D-d-don't worry," he said. "I got a speech therap-p-pist."

"You should have heard him before. He sounded like a broken record," N said rudely. He was still sulking.

Black's eyebrows twitched slightly. "D-D-Don't ever listen to E-E-Ennngh, he suffers from p-p-paranoid schizophrenia, he d-doesn't know what he's ssssaying most of the t-time," he told me.

"Yes I do. And at least people can understand what I'm saying," N shot back.

"Oh, sorry your mmm-mmmajesty, d-d-did this lowly c-commoner offend you?" Black asked. "Should I g-g-get down on my knees and g... grovel?"

"You're not funny," N muttered, going red. "...How's White?"

"Oh, I was wuh-wuuh-wondering when we'd g-get to this," Black said teasingly. "She's been p-p-pining for you."

"That's not true."

"Of c-course it's not. She hasn't muh-muh-mmmentioned you once," Black said. I winced inwardly. That was harsh. "I w-went out with her last week, to that new rrrestaurant. I s-s-sssaid I'd pay so she had f-f-four courses and ordered the most expensive f-food. S-Something about p-p-payback for outdated male chauvinism."

"You went out with her?"

Black grinned. "Not like that. Shhhe'd rather cut off my d- my d- my c-c-cock than t-touch it."

"I told you, she's not like that."

"And I told _you_, there's n-no way she's going to be your little p-p-p-princess unless you n-neuter her first."

I had been slowly backing away throughout their little 'old married couple' routine and that was the final straw. With burning cheeks, I firmly decided to take my break early and hurried away in as dignified a manner as possible.

Behind me, I could still hear Black and N arguing.

"Why are you still here?" That was N, sounding predictably sulky.

"For you, obviously," Black replied, without stuttering even once. "Today's your thhhree-month anniversary working here, I thought we c... c... c-could go out when you're done. H-Have a d-d-d-drink together or something."

"It's the middle of the day." N was obviously still upset. I warned myself not to get on his bad side – I couldn't stand people whining and sulking at me.

"F-Fine, it was j-just an idea. Sssee you."

"-But I could get off early, I think! Come back in three hours!"

Black sniggered. "That's just like you," he said, making his leave. He waved at me. "Bye, Sssilver."

"Bye..." I said vaguely. The door closed, and I looked over at N, who was red in the face.

"I don't like being alone!" he spat, catching me off-guard. He marched over to me so quickly that I actually took a step back. I inwardly cursed myself, and stepped forward again and stood my ground. N was barely a foot away, glaring at me and looking at least five years older than he had a minute ago. "It's okay! It's in my nature! That's why I like chilli!"

All I could do was stare at him, open-mouthed and shaking my head slightly. I was starting to believe that was Black had said about the paranoid schizophrenia wasn't a joke. "That's okay... I like... grapefruit?"

Ns glare disappeared, but the wild look in his eyes remained, and if anything he inched even closer to me. "I bet you like salad too."

"Yes."

"With vinegar dressing?"

"Yes..."

"Chocolate?"

"Someti- not with the salad-"

"Coffee. Black and unsweetened."

We were practically nose-to-nose; Ns wide olive eyes had blurred and become one in front of me. I raised my hands and pushed him away. "What the hell are you doing?" I snapped.

N smiled proudly. "Bitter foods!" he declared. "Your teeth are stained, by the way."

I slapped a hand over my mouth. "No they're not!"

"Just a little bit."

I bit back the instinct to insult him back. It was a surprisingly easy thing to do.

–

Seeing Black come early to meet N changed something in me. I didn't want to hide any more. I wanted to tell Gold – especially Gold – that I'd found a job. Just so he wouldn't be worried. He told me he worried about me last time he called, just after my interview with Mrs Morgan. I'd told him they hadn't decided whether to give me a placement or not, which wasn't exactly a lie at the time. That made me just a little bit happy. Not that I'd ever let him know that.

N greeted Black casually, but anyone could tell just by looking at him that he was delighted – and more than a little relieved, though I didn't know why. Black didn't mention it, and they went off together. I stayed behind for another hour or so, and helped Mr Morgan clean out some of the nests. It was definitely a memorable experience.

I phoned Gold on my way to Mahogany – I'd been barred from Olivine and Ecruteak's pokemon centres for an unspecified amount of time for 'taking advantage of their services'. He sounded tired when he answered. I forgot how busy Olivine Cafe got.

"I got the apprenticeship," I said. Fuck it, I sounded so _shy._

"Oh! Good! Uh... where?"

I cringed. "Just around," I said vaguely. I was ready to tell him I got the job, not that I was training to be a professional babysitter. Not yet anyway.

"Just around?"

"Yeah."

"Is it that embarrassing?" Gold asked teasingly.

"It is, actually," I replied. I cleared my throat. "So, uh... wanna come over? I mean, not that I... You _could_, but I'm in Mahogany right now, so if you can't, I'll get it, you know – it's not like I'm..."

"Well, I'm kinda tired right now," Gold said. "C-Could... I can do this weekend? It'd just be easier on my feet!" He started laughing so nervously that I felt embarrassed for him.

"Okay, I'll meet you..."

"Ecruteak?"

"Yeah."

"See you!" He hung up quickly, something which seemed to be turning into a habit of his. I stared at the dead phone in my hand for a while. Then I added his number to it's memory and carried on walking.

–

**Sorry for the long wait – history coursework and revision for exams can be blamed! Though my new-found addiction to Persona 4 could also be a contributing factor, heheheh...**

**A friend of mine requested I add Black and N to this story, and I'm glad she did, because it really helped me along in working out what job to give Silver. I know, he's completely unsuited to it... but he can learn, right? It might serve to make him a bit more compassionate in the end.**

**I found it difficult to write N, for the obvious reason that Black/White has not been released in English yet. I've had to rely on the biased opinions of two or three people! Black was a lot of fun, though his stutter did get annoying to write properly. I just love the idea of Black having a stutter while still being a snarky, sarcastic badass. I don't like how stuttering (or any form of speech impediments) doesn't seem to exist in fiction. And if it does – _only shy people can stutter! It's the rule!_ Pft. Being shy doesn't give you a speech impediment. Having a speech impediment could make you shy, though, if you're embarrassed by it.**

**As for White, I don't really imagine her to be how Black described. I just needed something to work with that would make the situation more humorous. Black was probably exaggerating anyway!**


	43. Love and the Videotape

With all that had happened in the past week – feeble attempts at finding an apartment cheap and nasty enough for me to hold on to, fast-spoken phone calls from Lyra about a job opening at the Radio Tower and did I want her agent to put in a good word for me when he did his interview?, and several more 'she's-not-my-girlfriend-honestly' speeches regarding Crystal – and I was feeling nervous about seeing Silver on Sunday of all things.

Mom had called, chirpier than ever, and told me she'd sent me a present and that I should pick it up from the local mart ASAP. She sounded almost apologetic when she told me that it wasn't quite what she'd been looking for, but in all honesty I was just grateful she hadn't splashed out _my_ money on it, whatever it was. There was a very significant reason why I'd kept my piggy bank hidden under a creaky floorboard beneath my bed for ten years.

I decided to pick up her 'mystery gift' on my way to meet Silver in Ecruteak. Thankfully the postal services were located near the door of the mart, meaning I didn't have to navigate my way around the stubborn pillars that were the regulars. The brown package the deliveryman handed to me was a lot neater than what I was used to receiving, small and rectangular and shiny with several layers of tape. I forced my way into it while walking heading out of Olivine, wearing down three or four chewed fingernails and almost chipping a tooth in the process. After all my hard work I felt a little confused when I finally tore off the paper to find what looked like an ancient video tape with only the remnants of a torn-off sticker on the side to show it had ever been used. A little rolled-up piece of paper was tucked into the gap at the back. I tucked the tape under my arm before unravelling it.

_Dear Gold,_

_We were sorting out the attic and found this in the old VCR. The picture's not perfect, but you might want to give it a watch. Don't worry, it's not the one of you falling in a pond when you were five!_

_(Or the one of you in a Shakespeare. But you were wonderful, sweetie!)_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Mom xxx_

It took me almost until I was in Ecruteak to wrap my head around what the tape could possibly be of. I worried I might have popped something in my brain, because it definitely couldn't be healthy trying to force memories to appear against their will – especially memories that may not have existed in the first place. But when I recalled the offhanded comment Mom had said to me when I'd visited a while ago, my heart started pounding erratically. I tried my best to keep calm. Jumping to conclusions was more Crystal's area, and I didn't want to set Silver on edge any more than he probably already was. He'd sounded so shy when he called me. It was actually kinda cute.

He was even putting on his best attempt at a smile for me. I hid the tape under my jacket.

"Hi," I said. He gave a little 'hmph' of acknowledgement and we carried on walking together. It didn't take long for the smile to fall off his face and be replaced by his usual downwards-cast glare. I didn't mind. I'd known him for long enough to know that that was just his usual expression.

I did my best to keep conversation going, but the tape tucked under my arm was digging painfully into my ribs and making itself impossible to forget about. We were just coming up to Mahogany when Silver let out a frustrated little sigh.

"Listen, you... don't have to. If you don't want to," he said.

I shot him a confused glance. "Don't have to...? What?"

"I'm not forcing you to be here, you know," he snapped.

"What? I'm not- I _want_ to be here!" I said. "I wouldn't have come if I didn't."

Silver looked down at me, and I met his suspicious eyes with ease. He held my gaze for longer than necessary, and when I raised my eyebrows at him he jerked his head away.

"So who did you tell?" he asked.

"What?"

"About my job."

"Oh, that. I told Crystal and Blue; they might've told someone else though."

"What did you tell them?"

"Nothing much." I shrugged. "Except that you didn't tell me what it was."

"Green visited me. At work," he said through clenched teeth. "Do you know how humiliating that was?"

I cringed. "I can take a guess," I said sympathetically. "But how could he know where to find you? I didn't tell him, I didn't know!"

"Trouble. He can smell it," Silver grumbled. He looked down at me. "So what's wrong with you? If it's not me."

"Oh it's—" I bit my lip and looked away. "My mom, she said she'd sent me something, so I went to pick it up. Y-You know what she's like; I thought it'd be something stupid, but..." I slid the tape but from under my arm and showed him. "I don't know for sure, but I think it's..." I couldn't say any more. Stopping in my tracks, I held onto Silver's arm, forcing him to stop too, and turn towards me.

"Watch it with me," I begged.

Silver opened his mouth to protest, his face twisted into a helpless frown. Then, the wrinkles on his forehead smoothed out and he looked at me almost gently.

"Okay," he said.

–

The pokemon centre's individual rooms didn't have televisions, so we borrowed the ancient, chunky model that was collecting dust in the corner of the social room. We didn't exactly ask for permission first, but Silver said that nobody ever used that room, so nobody would even notice it was gone. Luckily, it was the type that had an old VHS built-in. We plugged the thing in on the floor in Silver's room, then pushed the sofa out in front of it.

My hand was shaking as I tried to put the tape in. It kept jamming, and every time it pushed back against my hand, I shook all the more. Eventually Silver had to take it from me and put it in himself. Turned out I was trying to slot it in backwards.

I sat down on the sofa, fidgeting, as he fiddled around with the buttons and switches. I knew exactly how stupid I must've looked. It wasn't like I'd never seen my dad before – I had, in pictures. I'd even seen his writing in old birthday cards. There wasn't any reason for me to be nervous.

"I think I've got it," Silver murmured, more to himself than to me.

"Wait."

He turned to me. "What?"

"I don't know if I should watch this," I said. I buried my face in my hands. "I'm not sure I want to- well, I _want_ to, but... I've just sorted everything out with Mom and Graham and... what if this changes things?"

Silver didn't say anything, not that I expected him to. Empathy and understanding weren't exactly his fortes. I sighed. "Never mind. I'll watch it. J-Just once. Then I'll... put it away somewhere," I said decisively. "Put it on."

Almost immediately, the TV screen flickered. Silver looked surprised, then shuffled back and hitched himself up onto the sofa beside me. Leaning forward with my chin cupped in my hands, I began to watch.

It was so normal. Just Dad, sat in his special armchair, watching the news, unaware of the camera lens that was focused on him. The picture zoomed in on his face for a moment, clearing the fog from his features. He had my nose, my eyes, that same little mole beside his ear that I'd never noticed before. He still had the unruly mop of black hair that Mom loved so much. She'd hidden all the photographs of him taken during his treatment, when he was thin and hairless, but I'd caught a glimpse of a couple while rooting through the cupboard under the stairs.

Still, I didn't miss the several packets of pills, and the glass of water that accompanied them, beside him on the dresser.

The camera shifted suddenly, turning the room into a blur. Focus was now on a little boy, probably no older than two or three, holding up a colourful book to the camera. The boy was darker than Mom, but lighter than Dad, his head was covered in a wispy black down, his eyes big and dark and questioning. It was me.

I smiled sheepishly, remembering Silver's presence beside me.

"Well, this is embarrassing," I commented, laughing nervously. Silver didn't reply.

"What's that?" Mom's voice was high-pitched and happy as she held the lens on me. My younger self grinned shyly and hugged the book to his chest, hiding behind it. "Is it your book?" Mom asked. "Do you want Daddy to read it to you? Go and get Daddy."

The camera panned across the room, following two-year-old me as I toddled across the carpet and jumped in front of Dad, offering him the book. He smiled down at me. "Wow, what's that?" he asked.

I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. I bit my lip. Did he sound like me? I'd have to record myself later.

Dad grinned at the camera before turning back to me. "Shall we read it? Okay then, let's read it." He took the book from me and balanced it on the arm of the chair, then reached down to pull me onto his lap. "Up we go, big guy. Careful!" He settled the book across my lap, and the young me patted his pudgy hands impatiently against it.

I knew the story. _The Elephant Tree,_ the book Mom had told me was the first one I'd ever read on my own. Whenever Dad asked, "Is this the elephant tree?", two-year-old me would joyfully announce, "No!". Eighteen-year old me found himself whispering the same thing.

Dad was nearly finished reading when the TV flickered and buzzed. The picture then changed abruptly to the opening of some old cartoon I used to watch. My stomach clenched as I realised. I was ten. I'd wanted to play football with my friends. I'd just grabbed any old blank tape I could find, shoved it in the VCR and pressed 'record'. I'd never got around to watching that episode...

I didn't realise I was crying until the theme song had finished. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and seeping between my fingers. I could sense Silver watching me, but I didn't look at him. He clambered off the sofa and switched off the TV. Sitting back down beside me, he awkwardly offered me the tape.

"Thanks," I said shakily, taking and cradling it in my hands for a moment.

My dad. _My dad._

I put it down on the arm of the sofa and wiped my face. "Ignore me. I'm being stupid."

Silver cleared his throat. I glanced at him. He was holding his arm out to me and looking away, red in the face. "C-Come here..." he mumbled, glaring at the wall. I hesitated before caving in and accepting his feeble offer and leaning stiffly against his chest. He wasn't quite sure what to do with his arm at first, and left it hanging mid-air. I had to reach up and pull it down around my shoulders.

And slowly – very, very slowly – we relaxed, together, and inched ever so slightly closer.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's okay."

"I shouldn't have asked you to-"

"It's okay," Silver repeated.

There was a long pause, and I took it upon myself to break it. "My mom's pregnant."

Silver broke away from me suddenly. "What? Oh shit, I'm bad at this," Silver said. "Are you-"

"I'm all right with it. I-I will be," I said quickly. "I'm not... _happy_, but... I'm getting used to it. A-And Mom and Graham said I could help name it. I was thinking Mia, if it's a girl. Mom likes Carmine, though. I'm not sure on boys names. Jasper?"

"You can't call the kid Jasper, that's a fucking dog's name."

I laughed and smiled gratefully up at him. "You know," I said quietly. "My dad was really cool. Wasn't he?"

"Yeah. He was."

The long, white hand that was hanging limply at my side anxiously closed itself around my shoulder. My eyes swivelled upwards; Silver had his chin was pressed against his chest, too embarrassed to look at me. A strange, familiar feeling erupted in my stomach, and I groaned and dropped my cheek against his chest. "This is bad," I murmured, smiling despite myself.

"W-What is?"

"I'm starting to remember why I fell in love with you."

He froze. Coughed and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. "Shut up."

I smirked and snuggled up to him. Oh God, I loved him so much. But we shouldn't be doing this.

"Hey. So." Silver still wouldn't look at me. "Y-You wanna go out. G-Get something to eat or... Not like- I don't have anything in, so-"

_Oh God._

"No, I- I can't..."

_I love him._

"Oh. Y-Yeah, of course not..."

_So much._

"Next Thursday. I can do next Thursday," I said without thinking. "Is that okay?"

"Uh?" Silver said intelligently, gaping at me. "Yeah, Thursday's... good."

"Good."

"Good."

I pulled away from him and perched myself on the very edge of the sofa. He crossed one leg over the other and folded his arms, slanting away from me. My mouth was dry, and I kept licking my lips, to no avail. I knew what we were doing was dangerous. I didn't think it would be so easy to slip back into the old routine. Curled up with Silver, it was like we'd never been apart. I had to move on with my life, and that meant letting go of everything that had ever hurt me in the past. Including him.

"It'd be just as friends," I assured.

Silver nodded, and I felt a little better.

I left with the tape tucked under my arm, though it didn't hurt as much as before. I wasn't a religious person, I wasn't the type to wonder whether Dad was watching me from heaven or not because I honestly didn't know. But I did know that Dad loved me. And he loved Mom. And maybe he'd be okay with the way things were turning out, even if I wasn't studying at medical college or finding a nice girl to settle down with.

I wondered what Dad would think of Silver. Mom had always told me how sensible he was, I couldn't imagine him approving.

But, approve of what? Silver and I were just friends.

We were hanging out, like we always did.

Going out on Thursday, it would just be a friendly thing.

_Maybe I should wear that chain he bought for me..._

–

**Finally, January exams are over! Now all I have to worry about is my parents nagging me about the coursework that they refuse to believe I have already done.**

**QUICK, QUICK, QUICK, YOU GUYS; WHAT GENDER SHOULD THE BABY BE, AND WHAT SHOULD IT BE CALLED?**

**The little bundle of joy won't be making an appearance in this story (thank God), but s/he will probably get a mention in something I'm planning on writing later. It was a lot of fun to write about Gold and Silver discussing it, though. What other chance are they going to get to argue over baby names?**

**I'm also glad I got to tie things up (more or less) with Gold and his family. I had to give the little guy a break eventually! For some reason I imagine Gold's dad was really cute... I didn't put much thought into him at first, but now I'm quite attached to him as a character.**


	44. Love and Anticipation

This sucked. It wasn't fair!

I looked horrible. There was no two ways about it. The fact that I even _cared_ was horrifying. I was a man! I wasn't supposed to care! But I just couldn't get myself how I wanted. All the tiny things that I hated about my body were suddenly glaringly obvious. My nose was too big against my thin face, my eyes were tired and bloodshot and sort of bugging out, my neck was too long and too skinny and made me look like a stupid bobble-headed toy. I'd showered about three times, and my hair was as lank as ever, and I still smelled of pokemon.

N drove me nuts all day at the day care. He kept thrusting baby pokemon in my face, lecturing me on how they needed bottle-feeding, and one of them pissed all down my front in the process. I went on a major rant about it, and somehow let slip that I was meant to be meeting someone after work. N then took it upon himself to interrogate me until I snapped.

"So it's a 'date'?" he asked, not excited, merely curious, as he stuck the last of the labelled post-it notes on the last bare egg, and then slotted the full tray into the incubator.

"_No,"_ I said irritably. I refused to elaborate.

"You'll be fine; you're Italian."

I furrowed one eyebrow and wrinkled my nose. "What? That doesn't make any sense. And I'm not Italian."

N looked confused. "But your surname-"

"Just because my old man was Italian doesn't mean I am."

"But if you're Italian, women will like you. It's the cute accent," N explained. "White told me."

"I don't _have_ a 'cute accent'," I snapped. N could be infuriating this way. It wasn't that what he said didn't make sense, it was that he tended to put normal, everyday facts in completely the wrong context. Cute accent! Anyone with a working pair of ears would be able to tell that I sounded no different from any other man in Johto. If anyone could be considered 'exotic' it would be N himself. Johto wasn't exactly a popular tourist destination for Unova people, and his bright, olive-coloured hair and eyes made him stand out from the usual crowd of dark blacks and browns. Along with his papery, almost translucent white skin and fine, tapered features, he looked almost otherwordly, a strange little alien waif, like a character from a fantasy novel. I didn't doubt that he was the one bringing in most of the business. Mrs Morgan had commented that things had picked up since he started working, and most of the clients were young girls in their teens, who would cackle like hens whenever N looked at them.

"Is it not a woman?" N asked. "Is it a man?"

I glared at him.

"There's nothing wrong with that," he added quickly.

"I know there's nothing wrong with it," I said.

N blinked at me. "So it's a man?"

"_No!_ Well, _yes,_ but it's not a date," I said impatiently. "Like when you go out with Black, you wouldn't call that a date, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't," N replied. "So is it that man who visited you before?"

I shuddered visibly and refused to answer. Which didn't do me any good, because N took it completely the wrong way and thought the reason I was ignoring him was because he'd hit the nail on the head. He started talking again, but I didn't really catch any of what he said. He was in the habit of talking quickly, so that all his words fought to get out of his mouth at once, and his lips couldn't quite keep up with the torrent. It probably wasn't important anyway. N was okay, but more often than not, all that he spouted was complete crap. Unless it was related to pokemon. Of course.

I wondered if I should shower again, just to be on the safe side. I dragged myself back into the bathroom to examine my reflection. Why not? It wasn't as if I could look any worse. I'd agonised long and hard over what to wear, but none of my clothes seemed to _fit_ right any more. All my jeans were too baggy and made me look stick-thin, like a scarecrow. The one pair I owned which didn't leave me with ten inches to spare around the waist was about four years old and showed off my hairy white ankles when I sat down. And all my shirts were in dark colours that I didn't realise sucked all the colour out of me.

I yanked back the shower curtain and turned the shower on, hoping there was still some hot water left. Whipping off my clothes as quickly as I could, I bobbed up and down a bit, doing a stupid little dance in the shower as I waited for the water to heat up. After using up practically the whole bottle of shower gel, I reached for the shampoo only to find that there was none left. Which was just _great._ I ended up using washing-up liquid, which took me back a good nine or ten years to the dingy little bathroom where I used to wash my clothes in the sink. It didn't work out too well. The bubbles went everywhere, including in my eyes, and had me clawing for the towel that I'd left on the bed. At least the overpowering, lemony stench of the stuff might distract from my less-than-stunning appearance.

I dried myself on the damp towel and brushed the tangles out of my hair with my fingers for the fourth time. I'd bought a pair of scissors on the way back from work, and had tried to neaten my limp style up a bit, but the damn things couldn't have cut butter in a furnace. I'd spent almost an hour hacking away at my red locks before I gave up and threw the blunt blades in the bin. Observing myself, I decided it didn't look _quite_ as horrible as it did before. A little wonky, maybe, but not as shapeless. The ends were a bit scruffy, but maybe I could pass it off as intentional? I sighed. Who was I kidding?

Scooping up my clothes, I squirmed back into my jeans. Looking at my bare body for too long would only end up depressing me. I refused to put my long-sleeved black shirt back on, I looked so horrible in it – the material clung to me and made my arms look like connect-the-dot puzzles. Instead, I started rooting through the suitcase that I never unpacked (I'd find a new apartment soon!) for something that made me look halfway decent.

It struck me then, when I was crouched on the floor, hands buried in my suitcase, shirtless and shivering with my freshly-cut hair falling into my eyes, just how ridiculous I was being. This was _Gold_. Just Gold. He wasn't going to care how I looked, whether I wore black or grey or god-damn magenta. He'd known me since I was a scrappy little kid with snot running down my upper lip. And I was acting like a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl on prom night.

Dear God, I was so pathetic.

But however pathetic it was, I really wanted to look at least passable tonight. It made no sense, we were just friends, it wasn't anything _important_. I mean, sure, he'd said... well _implied_ that he still loved me. But he'd just gotten about as close to 'meeting' his dad as he was ever going to get; he was emotional! People do things they wouldn't normally do when they're crying their eyes out. Like walk barefoot through shards of glass.

From the very bottom of my suitcase, I yanked out a dark, greyish-green shirt. It was long sleeved, checked, and I hadn't worn it in ages. But when I tried it on it didn't look terrible. It was a bit big, the sleeves draped over my hands, but I could roll them up, and at least the collar covered the back of my neck and the scruffy tips of my hair. The only problem was that the only jacket I owned didn't match it at all and _what the hell was I thinking holy shit why._

Sighing, I went back to my case. The only other thing I had was a dark grey cardigan, which, for the better part of the time I'd owned it, I had an extreme aversion to. But Gold had told me I looked cute in it.

I put it on.

Then tore it off as fast as I could.

"What the hell am I doing?" I hissed at myself, doubling over and holding my head in my hands. I flung myself down on the bed, kicked off the covers and rolled back and forth like a child having a tantrum, pressing the pillow over my face.

_Ahh! I hate myself!_

I rolled onto my stomach, then onto my back, then a little too far and onto the floor, where I curled up with my forehead pressed to the strange-smelling carpet.

_Why am I so hideous?_

I knew Gold wouldn't be acting this way. He wouldn't have spent half an hour practising smiling in front of a mirror. He'd show up in washed-out jeans and a crumpled T-shirt, and even though I was dressed casually, it would be so obvious to him how long I'd agonised over my appearance. It would be so embarrassing. What would I do? I wouldn't even be able to look at him.

Well.

If I was going to humiliate myself beyond belief, I might as well do it properly. Slowly uncurling, I reached out and took hold of the grey cardigan that lay in a heap beside me. Shrugging it back on, I'd almost forgotten how it felt to be so horribly, cripplingly embarrassed by my own actions. I firmly decided that this would be the only time that I ever shaved a precious few years off my life stressing over my appearance. With a face like mine, I couldn't afford it!

So... boots or trainers? Trainers. Definitely. I pulled them on, hoping the dust-tanned white would downplay the effort I'd made on my shirt and hair. And it did – slightly. I still felt like an utter tool, and cringed when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. This? Is how I would look if my mom was still around and picking out all my clothes for me. Dragging my eyes away and telling myself that this was only a one-off, I picked up my room keys and headed for the door.

It wasn't fair.

This sucked!

–

_**Dear God, I was so pathetic.**_

**There you have it, best line of the story.**

**Oh Silver, you so nerdy. I know, I know, not much happened in this chapter in terms of plot. I just wanted to fortify Silver a bit more, and have him secure his job properly. And N! I got Black Version on Friday, and he's funny in a sad, creepy kind of way. **

**Sorry I'm so late in updating. I thought I'd have _more_ time once January exams were over – ha! I'm swamped. I'll probably have to hold off writing until I've finished my coursework, which will be in a couple of weeks. Sorry, everyone! Out of homework and writing, we all know what I'd rather be doing!**


	45. Love and a Date

When I finally dragged myself back to Crystal's door on Sunday, videotape tucked under my arm, eyes puffy and red from crying, Crystal seized me by the arm and announced we were going out. Crystal's parents (well, Crystal's _mom_) weren't crazy about letting her out on a night, but she explained that they were usually irritable at worst about it, as long as she took a responsible adult with her. This 'responsible adult' came in the form of Ginger Watts, a twenty-five-year-old neighbour who looked very distantly familiar to me.

Crystal was surprisingly okay with the whole situation. She introduced me quite cheerfully, telling me that I might remember Ginger from her eighteenth birthday back in June, and the three of us went on our way. It was only when we were safely off the block that I caught on, when Ginger turned to Crystal with a flip of her hair.

"Okay, kiddo, you know the rules. Meet me back here at eleven. Have fun!" she said airily, and whipped out her phone to begin a very crude conversation with what was probably her boyfriend. Crystal pulled me away, grinning.

"Ginger's cool," she said. "She doesn't care what I do, as long as it's not drugs."

Though neither of us were big drinkers, Crystal ended up dragging me into this strange-smelling club called the Blu Bar – though it wasn't very blue, more of a suffocating black that made the room look smaller than it really was. I wasn't sure I liked it. There weren't any individual places to sit, just one long sofa running around half of the wall. I sat down in the corner of it, then backed up and pressed myself against the wall, avoiding the dim pink spotlights that lined the place. Crystal laughed at me.

"Don't look so scared! You baby, did you think I would bring you to some nasty dive?"

"You _did_ bring me to a nasty dive!" I said indignantly. Crystal rolled her eyes and sidled up beside me.

"I used to come here sometimes, the guys are really nice. And don't you think it looks great? Like we've gone halfway to the underworld. You even get witches in here sometimes!" she said, which wasn't a huge vote of confidence for me. "Stay here, I'll get you a drink of something. You can pay me back later!"

She scuttled off through the crowd, looking almost scarily insect-like in her plastic-y purple jacket and worryingly tight jeans that made her legs look like bendy black wires. Like a huge, human-beetle hybrid. I smirked at the thought.

From my seat in the corner, I felt enclosed, surrounded, as if the colourful mix of clients that sat at an angle either side of me were watching me. Like a hawk watches its prey. _Ugh_. I really needed to loosen up. Silver's stick-up-ass syndrome had definitely worn off on me today. I just _knew_ everyone was out to get me!

I had to smile at myself. Beside me, two women were drinking a bright blue liquid straight from the bottle. One of them had her stockinged legs draped over the other's lap, and, with a final swig, she leaned forward and whispered something in her friend's ear, something which made her friend giggle mischievously. Okay. Awkward. I quickly looked away, because as a general rule you did not ogle people when they were engaged in the incomprehensible sport of flirting, even if they were being as indiscreet as humanly possibly and practically making a show that was begging to be watched.

I spied Crystal across the room, chatting to a brown-haired man at the bar, a glass in one hand. I could see the drink she'd bought for me on the bar; I hoped it wasn't too alcoholic. Then man she was talking to was smiling, but I could tell even from where I was sitting that he was uncomfortable. Poor Crystal. I knew she was only trying to be friendly, but when you were eighteen years old and still wearing pigtails and drinking through a curly rainbow-coloured straw, it didn't make a person look easy to talk to. Especially when combined with Crystal's little habit of treating everyone she met like she had known them for years, hugging, sexual jokes and all.

When she left the bar, I was relieved to see that she still wore a cheerful expression. Either her unwavering confidence had allowed her to brush off the man's uncertain demeanour, or she hadn't even noticed it. Forcing the glass into my hand, she whistled loudly at the two women close by.

"Get a room!" she hooted. The women smirked good-naturedly, and flipped her off. I felt myself blush.

"Crystal, you can't _do_ that!" I snapped.

She shrugged. "Then they shouldn't do it where everyone can see," she said. "Not like it matters anyway. Hey, see that guy over there? You should talk to him. I put in a good word for you." She winked suggestively, and I suppressed a groan. What was with people and 'putting in a good word' for me lately? Lyra had done it down at the Radio Tower, pretty much roping me into an interview which I wasn't too confident about. I got a D in media studies.

"I don't think that's a good idea," I said, and Crystal gave me a push.

"Oh, come on! I'm not going to put up with you grumbling at me all night, Sir Whines-A-Lot, now drink your happy juice and get over there!" she said, pushing the glass to my lips and forcing me to drink. "I flashed my cleavage at him just to make sure. He's definitely gay."

I spluttered. "W-What? No. No, no, no, I can't..." My words began to trip over themselves as I struggled to make up a believable excuse. Crystal chuckled and nudged me in the ribs.

"Go for it, babe, he's smoking," she said, Americanising her accent to lighten the mood.

"I'm not really into smokers," I mused. Crystal just laughed.

"Shut up."

I looked over at the man Crystal had been talking to. I hadn't really _looked_ at anyone in 'that way' since the break-up, except for Crystal for about five seconds. It just didn't feel _right_, and it felt even less right now, just a few hours after I'd cuddled up to Silver and felt so happy and sad and safe and good. But Crystal was right, the guy was good looking. His dark brown hair fell over one eye, in a casual, camera-ready style that my own thick mop could never hope to achieve, and the way he stood, head tipped back slightly, gave him an air of confidence despite his slightly diminutive height. Yup, he was definitely the boy-band type of guy that girls went crazy over. And definitely, one-hundred percent out of my league.

"Crystal, are you missing something here? You know, messy hair, the gap in my teeth, looks like I just got out of bed, could stand to lose a few pounds..."

"It's dark in here, no-one will notice," Crystal said airily, and I was so incredulous that I laughed.

"Thanks!"

"Well if you don't like the look of him, go for someone else! This is a total geek-fest, how many people here do you think actually has a boyfriend? Not many, I'll bet! Plus you have, like, twice as much choice as me, since you like men and women," she said.

I sighed. "It's not that easy."

"Of course it is! Why do you think I took you to a bisexual bar?" Her voice softened. "I just thought... Listen, I _know _you're still in love with Silver. But maybe it would be good for you to forget about it for a while? There are plenty of fish in the sea."

"I'm not still in love with him. Who said I was still in love with him?" I said, my heartbeat speeding up. I took a gulp of my drink, and it went straight to my head, making me dizzy. Crystal snatched the glass from my grip.

"Prove it, then," she challenged.

I knew she was just saying it to provoke me into going along with whatever twisted little game she had planned, but still, I was getting up. Seeing her chance, Crystal sprang to her feet too, and seized my arm. I yanked it away, and pressed my palms to my forehead, breathing deeply. This was going to go down like a lead balloon.

"What are you doing?" Crystal asked.

"I'm getting sexy! Geez, Crystal, isn't it obvious?" I said jokingly, though I wasn't feeling very jokey at all. I let Crystal link her arm in mine and walk me, not quite forcibly, across the room.

"Hey, Matthew, I'm back! And a brought a friend, look," Crystal announced, practically flinging me into the bar. I had to grab onto it to stop myself toppling forwards. Clearing my throat a little and trying to regain my composure, I turned to the man with a smile. Close-up, he really _was_ short, standing about my height. When I glanced down I saw that his boots had thick, chunky soles, he must've been just a little over five feet. It was actually kind of funny. I wasn't one to judge people based on how close they were to the ground, but this was a person who didn't suit being short. He wore the face of a much taller man, lean and defined.

I offered him my hand. "I'm Gold."

He looked down at my hand, a slight upward curl of the lips told me he was unimpressed. I dropped my hand back to my side.

"Just call me Matt," the man said. I firmly decided that I was _not_ going to call him Matt, and that Matthew would be his title, and not his name. I wasn't all that keen on liking him. His tone was friendly, but his smile didn't mask the cocky, mocking look in his eyes. I tried to edge around Crystal so that she stood as a barrier between us, but ended up turning in an awkward circle as I faltered, hating my inability to be deliberately rude.

"Nice to meet you," I said, deciding I should at least give him a chance. Crystal was the one trying to set me up; Matthew was an unwitting pawn at the most. I didn't have to like him to be nice to him.

"No need to be so formal." Matthew smirked, and Crystal burst out laughing. I could tell she was trying to break the ice, and felt embarrassed for her. Someone had to, since Crystal seemed to have been born with a severe deficiency that made her unable to feel any form of shame over her own actions. Matthew looked a bit unnerved, and drew his eyes away from her. "So," he said. He nodded up at the fuzzy TV above the bar that was playing the afternoon's football match. "You like the game?"

I shrugged. "Not really."

"Me neither. I guess it's not as big a thing as it used to be."

There was an awkward silence. I could sense Crystal watching me.

"Hey," she piped up. "I-I'll leave you two to get to know each other, okay? I'll be ten minutes." She slid past me, catching my panicked expression as she went. She smiled encouragingly before leaving me to flounder in the sea of hopelessness I had dived into. I watched despairingly as her bobbing ponytails disappeared through a group of people who had gathered in the middle of the bar.

I offered Matthew a nervous smile, and he grinned and gave me a gentle push. "Don't look so scared, man. You'd think you'd never set foot in a bar before." he said. Lowering his voice, his grin twisted into a smirk again, though this time I didn't think he was laughing at me. "So, now that our lady's gone, come on, you can tell me – what did you really come here for?"

I shook my head. "What do you mean?"

"You _know_ what I mean," Matthew said. "That girl, she wasn't your girlfriend, I can tell." I tented my eyebrows and shook my head apologetically, and he rolled his eyes. "Okay, I'll be blunt. I'm talking about sex."

I stared for a moment before turning back to the bar. "Oh," I said plainly, taking another sip of my drink. Matthew laughed and slapped me on the back, causing me to inhale sharply. I coughed and spluttered and wiped my fizzing nose on the back of my sleeve. "E-Excuse me," I gasped, pushing past him and heading for the exit.

Once I was outside, I didn't want to go back in. I didn't think I could bear it. It was too hot and too crowded, and I didn't want to talk to anyone, not now, not today, not after Silver, not after _my dad_. I hated myself for getting so emotional – and for what? A fifteen-year-old video only five minutes long. A lanky redhead whose heart had beat so fast when I hugged him.

I hovered around outside for a while, sitting down on the filthy pavement and picking the chewing gum off the soles of my trainers. I wondered how long it would take before Crystal decided I was relaxed and took us back to her house. I really needed to get my own place. I'd found a few apartments (read: closets) that were within my price range, but I wanted to wait until after my interview at the Radio Tower – if all went well, I'd end up being able to afford something a lot nicer, or at least a place than wasn't filled with syringes and empty takeaway boxes.

A sudden blare of noise assaulted my ears as the door to the bar opened and someone strolled out. Hoping it was Crystal, I looked up with a tired smile. It wasn't Crystal. It was Matthew. I leaped to my feet and brushed myself off, desperately hoping I hadn't sat in anything nasty.

"Hey, don't get up on my account," Matthew said, grinning. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was just-" I faltered and stepped forward, pressing my hands to my forehead. "I've had a really busy day, that's all."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Family stuff. It's kinda heavy."

"Heavy? I think I've gone back in time," Matthew said jokingly. He came up behind me, so close I could feel his breath, hot on the back of my neck. "Forget it. Come back inside. It's freezing out here."

I tried to reply, but my voice caught in my throat; Matthew had his body pressed against mine. Small, strong hands rested on my hips, and I didn't – _couldn't – _pull away. His touch was like ice, sending a chill that rippled from head to toe, and freezing me to the spot. His lips, though, were warm when he pressed them against my neck. I gasped, seizing up my shoulders to urge him away.

"Hey, hey, don't be like that," he murmured against my ear. There it was again, his kind words masking his contempt.

He bit my ear. Not hard enough to hurt, but not soft enough to convince me that he wasn't irritated by my reluctance. A sharp, wet tongue traced the shell of my ear, and I squirmed – he would cut me with that tongue, I knew he would. The hands felt so much bigger, and they were squeezing my hips, and that was embarrassing. A man shouldn't be so easy to grab hold of. I wanted to push him away. Why didn't I push him away?

Nimble fingers crawled up my neck, and I tipped my head back against my will, letting him nip and suck on the sensitive skin below my earlobe. A tremor ran through my body and I tried to bat him away with my hand. "No."

He grabbed my hand, holding it still, and, fleetingly, I wondered if I was stronger than him, if I would be able to fight him off, if I would _need_ to. The other hand, the one on my hip, stroked down to roughly press up between my legs, fingertips brushing against places they shouldn't. No, no, _no_.

"Stop it," I choked out, stumbling forward out of his grip and rounding on him, outwardly furious, but shaking inside. Matthew raised his hands to protest his innocence, an amused grin spreading over his face.

"You sure?" he asked, raising his eyebrows and gesturing to my jeans with a tilt of his head. I tugged my T-shirt down over my crotch, feeling my face flush.

"I'm sure."

"Fine, your loss." Matthew shrugged, and paused. "Sorry."

"Okay." My voice was shaking. The shock was catching up with me, and I hated that Matthew could see it. His expression softened, and he reached out to me. I flinched, and he withdrew his hands and stuffed them into his pockets – an impossible feat, considering the way his jeans clung to him like a second skin.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he said. "I just thought you might want to go back inside. Since it's cold."

I eyed him warily for a few moments. He sounded sincere, but I couldn't trust him when I could still feel his hands crawling all over me. Straightening up, I whisked through the double doors as quickly as I could, worried that he'd try to touch me again as I passed him. Inside, I felt much safer, and pressed a trembling hand to my chest to take a few deep breaths. I breathed so deeply that I felt a rush to my head, and black spots danced in front of my eyes. I swayed and had to lean against the wall. Then I started laughing, a tired, relieved sort of laugh. Everything that had happened today, along with the incident with Matthew, overwhelmed me, and all I could do was stand there limply, wearing a ridiculous grin on my face. I couldn't do this. I needed sleep.

It took a couple of minutes for Crystal to hunt me down. I smiled tiredly when she took my arm and heaved me to my feet.

"What happened to Matthew?" she asked.

"I want to go."

"Don't ignore me! A-Are you okay?"

I shook my head, and watched the colour drain from her face.

"Oh God," she whispered, pulling me closer to her and pressing her forehead against mine. "What happened? D-Did he rape you?"

"Wha- _no!_ Crystal!" I laughed shakily. "You've been... reading too many... I-I had like twenty pounds on him! Even if he'd tried, he wouldn't have been able to..."

Crystal's eyes pierced me, like two shards of blue ice. She looked torn between anger and panic. "I'm taking you home," she said, and began dragging me through towards the door.

She didn't let go of my hand even when we were safe outside. I yanked my arm away.

"I'm not a baby, you know," I said indignantly.

"I _know_, I know you're not, but... I don't know, I just thought this might cheer you up. You looked so sad when you came in and I... Now it's even worse, you look like a-a-a snubbull or something!" she cried.

I reached up to cover my cheeks. "Do I?"

"Maybe you're cursed when it comes to love."

"That makes two of us, then."

"Men! Who needs 'em?" She clapped an arm around my shoulders and cackled, though I knew she was just being kind. She'd been going out with Eusine more and more lately.

After meeting back up with Ginger, we headed back to Crystal's house, and I fell into bed fully clothed. I thought about Silver. I had no reason to feel guilty. Our relationship right now left me open to get into the pants of as many guys or girls as I wanted. I had no responsibility to him. But I still got a twisting feeling that I wouldn't be able to meet his eye when I met up with him.

My stomach was still twisting on Thursday as I searched for something to wear that wouldn't make me look stupid, while at the same time trying to look completely calm, since Crystal was watching me and was already donning an amused smile.

"Gold, you look _fine!"_ she said, pushing past me to snatch her hairbrush off the dressing table. She began to brush her hair with worrying violence, leaving azure blue strands tangled around the teeth of the brush. She was already late for her evening shift. "Stop worrying. Just go with the flow, dude. Go with the flow."

"I'm not worried," I snapped, settling on a pair of jeans and changing into them in record time while Crystal's back was turned to the table.

"Gold, there's a mirror right in front of me," she said flatly. "You just can't keep your pants on for five minutes, can you?"

She started to laugh, and I pulled a face at her through the mirror. She pulled a worse one, then turned around and took the brown T-shirt I held from my hand and threw it aside. She pushed my other hand, holding a blue shirt with unintelligible writing on the front, to my chest.

"This one's better," she said. I held it up to my chest experimentally, and she wrinkled her nose. "But damn, all your clothes are so _boring!_ You should get something more interesting. Like me!" She spun around, making her horrible white and yellow net skirt rustle . She pushed it down when it puffed up about her hips. "I shouldn't let my mom see me in this. She might get ideas about ballet again. It's nice though, isn't it?"

"Not really my colour."

"What? Yellow's my favourite colour!" she cried. "Though I guess it wouldn't go with your skin tone."

"You sound like Lyra."

Crystal raised her eyebrows. "Who's she?"

"I told you about her ages ago. She lives in Newbark," I said, striding past her to check myself in Crystal's lit-up mirror. A thoroughly unremarkable person stared back at me, not ugly, but not good-looking either. Black hair: common, in Johto. Mud-brown eyes, also nothing special. Body type: average, or at least it would be when my diet paid off. Not a person, but a percentage, someone who blended in and formed a part of the scenery. Impossible to pick out from a crowd. I sighed.

Well, at least I knew Silver didn't like me for my looks.

"Don't get too friendly with her, okay?" Crystal piped up. "You've already got a hag, and it's me!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. "Are you jealous?"

"Yeah!" she said. She came up behind me and rested her cheek on my shoulder. "Be careful, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're so trusting, Gold. You think everyone's exactly what they say they are."

"Why shouldn't I? I'm not like Silver. I trust people until they give me a reason not to," I said.

"Which is why you always get hurt," Crystal replied softly. I couldn't think of anything to say to that, so I simply stared at her for a moment before brushing past her, pretending to search for a jacket.

"So I got hurt. I can forgive him, can't I?" I said briskly.

"Well, yeah, maybe it won't make much of a difference _this_ time," Crystal said. "But... do you think you'd forgive him no matter what? Even if he hurt you again? I mean, you're still going out with him today, even though he made you cry on Sunday-"

"He didn't make me cry on Sunday! What are you talking about?" I asked, my voice gaining a pitch.

Crystal faltered. "When you came back, your eyes were red, I thought you'd been crying! That's why I took you out."

"No, no I hadn't – well, I _had_, but it wasn't because of Silver."

Crystal slumped down on her bed and pressed a beaded cushion to her face. "Well, thanks for telling me!" she groaned. "I've been worried over nothing, then? Wait, what _were_ you crying about?"

"Just family stuff," I said vaguely.

"About your dad?" she whispered.

"Yeah."

Crystal sighed. "Gold, please," she said. "I don't want to poke my nose in where it's not wanted, but still, I want you to be careful."

"I will," I assured her. "What jacket should I wear?"

"This one." She pulled a black leather waxy jacket from my small suitcase and threw it at me. Unwrapping it from around my head, I stared at it in horror.

"I can't wear this! It's _his!"_

"Oh, go on. It'll make you look 'retro'."

I tried it on against my better judgement. The sleeves were too long, they draped over my hands, but at least Silver's affinity for oversized clothing meant that it fit my other places pretty well. "Fine then," I said grudgingly. I had to admit, it didn't look _bad; _I just had to hope that Silver wouldn't notice. "Come on, I'll walk with you."

We set off together, splitting up at the main street, where she headed south towards the cafe. I was meeting Silver in Ecruteak. After the fifteen minute walk, I decided that I had severely misjudged how cold it had gotten. Winters in Johto were supposed to be _mild!_ At least not the hug-your-jacket-and-jump-up-and-down kind. Goose-pimples had broken out all over my skin by the time I reached Ecruteak, and Silver wasn't faring much better, judging from the way he was hunched up and pacing back and forth outside the pokemon centre.

I jogged over to him, raising a hand to greet him. Even in the fading daylight, I could see he looked different. His hair was shorter and a little fuzzier, like he'd had it cut recently, and, oh God, what was he _wearing?_ I'd never seen a person look more uncomfortable in his own skin. The cardigan he wore looked was a pleasant change, but the shirt underneath was far too big. The sleeves covered his hand to the knuckles, and made me feel slightly better about my oversized jacket (oh God, please don't notice). He attempted a smile, and didn't quite succeed, but that was okay. He was here, he'd waited, for me. Even though his teeth were chattering, and he didn't have a coat, and there was a warm pokemon centre right next to him. What an idiot. God, I loved him.

"You could've waited inside, you know," I said.

He shrugged. "Are you coming or what?"

"Yeah," I said. "You are so in my league."

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing. So where are we going?"

Silver mumbled in response, and I let it go and followed him back the way I'd came. He smelled of lemons, I noted. Overpoweringly so, actually. Like he'd put himself through the dry-cleaners.

"This looks familiar," I murmured when reached Olivine and headed down to the harbour.

"Don't say anything." There was a hint of a pleading tone in Silver's voice, and when we turned the corner I understood why. I couldn't say I didn't expect it, but I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that escaped my lips.

"Wow, this is romantic," I said sarcastically. "You know Crystal works nights, right?"

"If you're just going to- oh God, really?" Silver pressed a palm to his forehead. "Let's go somewhere else."

"Nah, I want to see this!" I hooked my hand around his wrist before my brain kicked in to stop me, and led him inside. He didn't put up too much of a fight.

It was cafe policy that customers seat themselves, so we took a table in the very back corner of the room, as far away from the counter as possible, in the hope that Crystal wouldn't notice us. I knew it wouldn't do us any good, because once of us would have to approach the counter to place an order, but hey, if it made Silver feel more comfortable.

We each took a copy of the short menu and pretended to read, silence enveloping us. The cafe wasn't as busy on a night. I could catch snippets of other people's conversations around the clatter of knives and forks on plates. "He said that... such a lie, turned out..."

"Um, so what do you want? I-I'll order," I said, scanning the menu for the cheapest thing possible.

"Something cheap. I'll pay, so-"

"I can pay for my own."

"I asked you, so-"

"You're not the only one with masculinity issues here, okay?" I said, grinning. "Let's just split the bill."

"Okay." Silver nodded, eyes glued to the table.

"Gold!"

"Oh no."

Crystal scurried over to our table, dirty plates balanced on one arm, ponytails bobbing. "I thought I'd gotten rid of you! Don't let Alan see you or he'll have you on nights as well. I'll take your order here, if you want." She struggled to take the notepad and pencil from her pocket while clutching the plates.

"Watch out!" I raised my hands to catch her and she stumbled around.

"I'm fine. Now, what would you like?"

We ordered two pasta dishes, which were the cheapest meals available, and Crystal hurried off.

Silver nodded after her. "You're still staying at hers?"

"Yeah. I give her folks money to let me use the spare room, I think they're happy about it. I've been looking for somewhere to stay, though I've got an interview soon, so I'll probably see how that goes first. H-How's your job going?"

"Good. It's... good. Might've found an apartment, but I don't know," Silver said. He looked down at the table and wiped his nose on the back of his hand, trying to disguise the deep breath he took by turning it into a yawn. "So, uh, you're... going out with her, right?"

"Wha- _no!_ No, why would you think that?" Silver didn't look at me, and I sighed, setting aside my indignation and lowering my voice. "Nothing's changed. We're just friends, that's all we're ever going to be. Geez Silver, how thick is your skull?" I added, chuckling.

"Shut up," Silver muttered in return, but he was smiling. A _real_ smile. Awkward, self-conscious, he tried to hide it by ducking his head so that his hair fell over his face. I leaned across the table to peek under the curtain of red bangs. I couldn't help it; I loved Silver's smiles. They were always a little crooked, like his lips weren't used to morphing into such a position, with one corner of his mouth stretched out quite a bit more than the other, revealing a sliver of teeth along one side of his mouth. He got a little dimple in his cheek, when he smiled. So cute.

"Are you happy?" I asked, though I knew he was.

"No," he replied.

"Liar." He was happy, because of _me_. Because I wasn't with Crystal. A stone suddenly dropped into my stomach, and I wondered how long it would be until our food arrived. I probably had time.

"Hey," I said uncertainly. "I'm sorry... I-I made you cry before."

Silver tensed. "Don't."

"No, I," I struggled to find the words. "Oh God, this is going to sound horrible. I-I meant what I said about Crystal, we're just friends, but... I think, maybe, like, _subconsciously_ I wanted-" I slapped a hand to my forehead in defeat. "I thought I'd like it if you got jealous over me."

Silver blinked at me.

"D-Don't get me wrong, the other stuff, a-about being scared and running away, that was true too! I was wrong, I felt _really_ bad about it, when you got upset over her, but there was this feeling... Like, it was for me. I guess... I wanted to make sure you felt s-something for me. You... probably don't want to be here any more, do you?"

"No, I-" Silver coughed into his fist. "Don't do it again," he said quietly, after a while. "I felt- people would- if you-" he sighed. "I guess I can feel a bit better about myself, then."

"Not too much though," I said jokingly, offering a nervous smile.

"Why'd you bring that up, anyway?"

"Just wanted to get it off my chest, I guess," I confessed. "A-Are you angry?"

"I'll get over it." Not angry then, but hurt. Just a little. But then, I guess we were both still hurting, inside. A blanket of awkwardness fell over us and shot dead any hope of small talk. I wished I'd never said anything.

"Food's up, boys!" Crystal cheerfully announced, bouncing over to our table and practically hurling the plates in front of us, like a couple of frisbees. "I'll get you some water."

"Thanks, Crystal," I said distractedly, not looking at her. I kept my eyes on Silver, and when Crystal was gone, I marvelled at how he ate, desperately, like he hadn't had a proper meal in _years_. He looked up and saw me staring in puzzlement, spaghetti dripping from the fork that hovered just in front of my gaping mouth. He glared at me, scrubbing at his mouth with the back of his sleeve. A speck of red sauce clung to the tip of his nose, and I suppressed a smirk.

"Are you okay?" I asked, catching a glimpse of worryingly thin wrists underneath the sleeves of his cardigan. I studied him narrowly, taking in the sallowness of his cheeks, the way the veins in his neck stood out like thin wire. I'd noticed that he'd felt unusually _sharp _when I'd hugged him, but with the tears blurring my eyes I never got a chance to properly look. He'd always been slender, but never like this, never _frail_, like he'd shatter at a single touch. "Have you been eating properly?"

"Just ready-meals," Silver said.

"Why? You're like awesome at cooking."

"I'm not that good." He went back to his meal, eating deliberately slower this time. "I'm saving pretty much everything I earn so I can stop being a freakin' charity case."

"Don't get malnutrition and die."

Silver cracked another tiny smile. "I'll keep that in mind," he said. "You're one to talk about losing weight."

"Hey, you noticed!" I threw back my head and placed a hand behind my neck in a little pose. "What do you think? Hot, right?" I blushed at my own boldness. I knew I'd lost a few pounds, but I hadn't expected anyone to notice. "I mean, I'm not down to my target yet, not even close, but..."

"You look great," Silver said quickly. Then covered his mouth. "I mean, I mean- oh shit."

I smiled sympathetically. So he couldn't quite pull off a compliment yet. Still, the way he was clutching his mouth and looking anywhere but at me was pretty cute.

"I mean, I like you the way you are – oh God, that's even worse, I- forget I said anything!"

"No, I like it," I said without thinking. Silver bit his lip.

Silence, again, though not the sort that sent a storm of butterflies straight to my stomach. Silver laid one hand on the table and looked behind him, scanning the room for potential eavesdroppers, and my own hand crawled across the table to lightly touch the tips of his fingers. He didn't move, but even with his head turned away from me I could see his eyes widen and colour rise in his cheeks. I expected blushing, I actually kind of liked it. I didn't expect him not to pull away, or move his index finger slightly to rest on top of mine.

I think he was about to say something. He coughed and took a breath, like he was about to launch into some well-rehearsed speech, but I never found out, because just then Crystal appeared with a jug of iced water, and we leaped away from each other, fingers burning.

"Sorry for the wait," she said, discarding the jug on the table so carelessly that the water inside jumped and came down with a splash. She gave me a sneaky wink as she hurried away, and I buried my face in my hands.

"Kinda ruined the moment there," I said, laughing apologetically. I went back to my food before it got cold, and to my surprise, I was actually full when I had finished. A month or so ago, there would have been a nagging emptiness in my stomach that I would fill with snacks. I didn't have many snacks nowadays. I missed chocolate the most, especially the orange-flavoured kind that came in little segments and melted in your mouth and tasted so _good_, but I was rarely hungry enough to give in to any cravings. I'd lost weight, even though it didn't really show... so I supposed I could afford to indulge a little, especially now that Crystal had taken to buying king-size bars of Galaxy and eating them in front of me, just to tease me.

I contemplated walking Silver home, but it had become so cold that every hair on my body was standing on end. My teeth chattered, and I hugged my jacket close, trying to keep warm. I comforted myself with the knowledge that Silver probably wouldn't want me to walk him back to where-ever he was staying; he would bitch at me for treating him like a girl.

"Um, here," I said nervously, shedding my jacket and handing it to Silver as we reached the street that led to Crystal's cul-de-sac. "You'll probably need it for the way back. It's yours anyway."

Silver didn't put it on, instead he slung it over his shoulder. "Thanks," he mumbled. "Why did you- never mind."

I let out an almost-laugh that quickly turned into a hiss as the cold infiltrated my clothes and bit at my skin. Silver pushed the jacket back at me.

"Y-You can have it," he said.

"Crystal's place is only five minutes away," I argued.

"You're shivering."

"So are you." I grinned. "Thanks, though." Silver tucked the jacket back under his arm, and I yanked it back. "Put it on, stop trying to look cool."

"Shut up! I wasn't," Silver said, adding lowly, "If I was I wouldn't be dressed like this."

I laughed. "No comment," I said. I hopped about a bit. "I should go, before I freeze to death. See you later?"

"Um. Yeah. Yeah."

"Stop being shy."

"I'm not being shy!"

"You've been shy all night," I teased.

"Shut up. I-I'm telling you-"

"You're telling me?" I repeated with a smirk. His empty threats were suddenly funny, and I found I'd sort of missed the way he'd try to hide his embarrassment with annoyance and anger. I smiled softly. "Okay, I'm sorry," I said, and Silver gave me an affectionate little push in response. I raised onto my toes and kissed his cheek.

I stepped back in a hurry, and the following seconds felt like hours as we were both swept up in a wave of stutters, blushes and nervous half-laughs, the very picture of a couple of lovestruck schoolkids. Totally pathetic. I hardly cared.

"I-I should go," I said quietly, before turning and walking briskly down the street, breaking into a jog after a few paces. When I was sure I was out of Silver's sight, I looked back. He was still standing there are the end of the street, watching me. I waved at him, and he ran.

I shook my head and turned the corner, smiling.

I was still smiling when I reached Crystal's house.

–

**Ffff,** **sorry about the long wait, guys, but I had to put my coursework first. On the bright side, a long chapter to make up for the previous one! Gold and Silver fail so much in this chapter it was hard to write them without cringing. I have to drag them out of their little 'we-are-very-shy-and-awkward' stage soon!**

**Maybe Silver's been reading girly magazines on 'how to talk to your crush'... he can be a sweetheart too, but it's hard to find the right moment!**


	46. Love and the Lattimer Estate

After a lot of stress, four long, gruelling interviews, much scraping together of money and (probably, maybe, not that it counts) a few tears that only I would ever see, I managed to acquire myself an apartment. It wasn't much to look at – small and grey, with mould creeping through the seams of the slowly-peeling wallpaper – but it was _mine_. The landlady wasn't too welcoming, I obviously wasn't her desired tenant, and she made no secret of what she thought of those stupid socialist policies that bumped the drains of society to the top of the special list. The only reason I got in was because I was technically homeless. I didn't care.

It was frightening to think that a few months ago I wouldn't have accepted the place. I didn't want to be anyone's charity case. But after everything that had happened, I was ready to admit, yeah, I did need help. It hurt, coming to terms with the fact that I couldn't do everything on my own. But I knew that struggling along all alone would hurt more. Which is why, after Mrs Pond had finished her award-winning rant, I whispered "Thank you" and meant it.

The bed that commandeered most of the space in the cupboard-sized bedroom was nothing more than rusty springs wrapped in a stained mattress. The window latch was broken and wouldn't close properly. A gang of kids spent the night practising skateboard tricks in the corridor just outside the door. I slept better than I had in weeks.

A few days later, Green visited me at work, only this time it wasn't simply to annoy me.

"I'm going back to Kanto," he explained, a sheepish grin looking weirdly foreign on his face.

"And I should care because?" I asked rudely, ignoring N's anxious frown hovering over his shoulder. Green didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, you break my heart, Silver," he said, putting a hand to his chest and shaking his head. I couldn't help the quirk of my eyebrows. He hardly ever called me by my first name. He looked up at me. "I thought I should let you know. I've been here a year now... and I figured it was long overdue. Y'know, with my gramps."

I didn't know, but I didn't say anything.

"At least I get points for being the bigger man! I swallowed my pride and apologised, so I've got nothing left to lose." He shrugged. "No more slacking off for me! I'm going to rent out my place while I'm gone, so if you ever get sick of living in a cave, give me a call. I'd give you a discount, I'm just that nice."

I furrowed my brow. "Why?" I asked, trying to work out the trick.

"That's what friends do, isn't it?"

I faltered. "What're you- Are you trying to-"

"Don't get cute with me, Silver," Green said. "Not in front of the children."

"I know you're talking about me," N piped up from across the yard.

"You and your amazing hotness," Green called back, mockingly, laughing when N replied:

"I don't feel warm."

"Don't make fun of him," I said.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Hear that N? I said I'm sorry."

N replied with a curt little nod. I got the impression he didn't like Green very much. Hell, he was only just starting to like me. He liked Mr and Mrs Morgan, but the only person I'd ever seen him fully at ease with was Black, and they had know each other – how long? A few years at least.

Green grinned. "You'll miss me," he said confidently.

"Like a hole in the head."

"You mean a whole lot!"

"Of course I do," I said sarcastically, and Green faked a look of despair. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and trapped him in a headlock, rubbing the knuckles of my free hand roughly against his head. He yowled and tried to pull away.

"No, no! My hair!"

"What the hell are you, a girl?"

"It's the source of my power. You're getting your germs all over it!"

I tightened my arm just slightly. "Don't piss off the guy who's got you in a headlock, Green."

"Don't piss off the guy whose head's in your crotch, Silver," he replied smartly, snapping his teeth and giving my thigh a firm squeeze. I quickly let him go, and he stumbled and almost stepped on a rattata that had become our audience. N yelped, somehow skidding across the yard in less than a second to scoop it up in his arms in an overly-dramatic way, action-hero roll and all.

"How could you?" he demanded. "You could have killed him! Don't laugh! Silver, tell him!"

"Yeah, Green. That rattata's in the top percentage of rattata," I said sternly, and N whined.

"You're both very insensitive, you know!" he snapped, going red. "Y-You have no idea-"

"Hey," I said to Green, as I saw him open his mouth, no doubt intending to wind N up further. I curled one hand into a fist and pressed it against his temple, nudging him slightly. "Leave him alone."

Green grinned and turned back to me. "You really are going to miss me."

"Yeah, you wish," I said. I cracked a tiny smile. "I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Of course. I know you couldn't live without me." He smiled. "Take care of yourself, Silver – don't do anything stupid! Blue said call her if anything happens."

"I'll do that."

"No you won't."

"But I'll try."

Green slapped me on the back. "Bro hugs," he declared, wrapping his free arm around my shoulder. To my surprise, I let him.

"That was weird," I declared when he pulled away.

"Yeah. Shut up," he replied.

I smiled as I watched him go, half shaking my head at how strange the whole thing was. Green was annoying, there was no doubt about that, but I had to admit he had a way with words. A certain charisma that I lacked. He could tell a child that the sky was red and that the moon was made of mashed potatoes, and they'd believe him. Because, for a moment there, he actually had me convinced that I was going to miss him.

–

I spent about an hour hovering around my phone that I had slammed down on the kitchen worktop, wondering whether I should call Gold and tell him I'd found a place to live. The houses where Crystal lived were clean and white, in neat rows like a carefully painted picture. I was so happy when I found out I'd got the apartment that I hadn't stopped to think about how it might look to anyone but me. While I'd been roaming from centre to centre for the past few months, Gold had been living in a sheltered suburban house only a professional salary could buy. He wouldn't see a lifeline. He'd see a scruffy apartment in a run-down complex, and a man on the brink of desperation.

I couldn't call him.

I didn't have to. That evening, after coming home from my first proper grocery shop in months, my phone rang and revealed his name flashing on the screen.

I let it ring for a moment before answering. I didn't want to look too eager.

"I got the job," he told me excitedly when I answered.

"What job?" I replied stupidly, recalling immediately afterwards the interview at the Radio Tower he'd told me about. I wondered fleetingly whether it was the same job I had put in for. It didn't matter now, anyway.

"The one at the Radio Tower! I don't actually get to go on air or anything, but it pays better than the cafe. You know, you never actually told me where you're working now," he said.

"Thdacrrcen."

"What?"

"The day care centre. Outside Goldenrod," I forced out. "Don't you dare laugh."

"I'm not," he said. Then he snorted.

"Y-You-!"

"I'm sorry! It's just... _you?_ That's a bit- I'm in trouble, aren't I?" He laughed sheepishly.

"Yeah, be glad I'm not with you," I said. "I got an apartment." I slapped myself. "Ow!"

"What happened?" Gold asked.

"Nothing," I muttered, rubbing my stinging cheek and hoping he hadn't heard my foolish outburst.

"But you got a place? Finally! Can I see it?"

I bit my lip. "Y-Yeah, okay... when?"

"Um... now?"

I inwardly groaned. Even after my obsessive cleaning session in which I had spent four hours scrubbing the apartment from top to bottom until the wallpaper tore, and I finally discovered the source of the overpowering stale stench that dominated the kitchen – a dead grimer, lodged behind the sink, that had obviously been decomposing for some time. I'd scraped it into a bag and taken it outside, but the foul smell had yet to depart. I couldn't leave the windows open while I was out; I didn't trust the area enough.

"Don't expect much," I said grudgingly. "The address is—"

"Wait, wait, let me get a pen..."

I blurted it quickly anyway, then refused to repeat it, half-hoping that he would forget. Still, after unpacking my shopping, I used up three who cans of air freshener trying to get the place smelling halfway decent, or at least not like the inside of a morgue.

About an hour later, the gang of kids who had made the fourth floor unofficially theirs started whooping louder than usual, and I opened my door to a small, scared-looking Gold.

"Oh God, let me in," he said, practically diving past me. "Sorry I'm late, there was this guy on the stairs and he wouldn't let me past..." I recalled the hooded teenager with a handkerchief over his face that I had passed on my way up. His dark eyes had followed me as I passed, but he hadn't said anything, probably because I was so much bigger than him. But Gold was short, fooling people into thinking he was younger than he really was, and he didn't look all that strong either. Leave it to those pack animals to pick on the weak and out-of-place.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course," Gold replied, though he still looked shaken. He ran a hand through his hair and laughed. "H-He took my phone."

I headed for the door.

"Hey, wait, where are you going?"

"To get your phone back."

"No, you can't! Silver, what if he stabs you or- or- what if he stabs you?" Gold flustered, grabbing my arm and yanking me back.

"He won't. They're all talk," I assured him.

"No, Silver, _please_, don't do this," he begged. "It's okay, it was an old phone, I don't need it any more. Silver!" He slammed the door shut, snatching the doorknob out of my hand. A crack appeared in the bare plaster of the wall just below the ceiling.

I sighed. "If you hadn't come here, this wouldn't have happened. Just trust me, okay?"

Gold glared at me.

"If he gets mad, I'll leave it," I said truthfully.

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

I stepped over the static bodies of the scourge of the fourth floor and swung open the doors to the stairwell. I only had to go down one flight before stumbling across my prime suspect: the hooded teenager with the handkerchief over his face. I stepped over to him.

"What do you want?" he droned, surprising me with a low but distinctly feminine voice. Not a guy then – a girl.

"Did you take a guy's phone just now?" I asked bluntly.

"Little Chinese guy? Yeah I might've," she said, getting to her feet. She stood far shorter than me, which worked in my favour simply for intimidation purposes. I wasn't a firm believer in the 'never hit a girl' law – in my opinion, there were people, male and female, who deserved a much-needed punch in the face – but I had promised Gold I wouldn't make her angry, and giving her a bloody nose probably wasn't the best way to go about it.

I held out my hand. "Give it back, then."

Behind her handkerchief, the girl laughed. "What's in it for me?"

I forced down the anger that was building inside me. "In it for- you _stole_ it!"

"No, he gave it to me," she said, and turned up the volume on her MP3 player. I grabbed the wire and ripped the earphones out of her hood. For a moment she looked shocked, then she raised her eyebrows at me, dark eyes twitching, challenging me. She had attitude, I'd give her that, but I didn't doubt for one moment that she thought I wouldn't take a swing at her. I could have her crying to her mommy in ten seconds flat, and if I was being totally honest with myself, I was finding it hard to stop myself doing just that.

"Listen," I said, with forced patience. "I would... really appreciate it if you gave it back."

"Make me, if you're that bothered," she replied, and I seized her arm and pulled her halfway off the ground, fully intent on 'making' her.

Then I stopped. Took a deep breath. And set her back on her feet.

"I'll pay you," I muttered. "P-Please."

The girl folded her arms. "How much?"

"A hundred."

"Fuck off! I want eight hundred."

I let out a groan that turned into a low growl as I fished out my wallet and began snatching out notes with unnecessary violence. "There," I declared, slapping them down in her open palm. "Five hundred."

The dark eyes narrowed.

"It's all I have," I said, "Take it or leave it."

Quick as a wink, she stuffed the notes into her pocket and tossed Gold's phone into the air. I caught it deftly with one hand.

"It's a shit phone anyway," she retorted, slouching away downstairs.

I returned to my apartment, pride thoroughly trampled, but triumphant nonetheless. Gold groaned with relief when he saw me, and collapsed against the sofa. "You're alive," he breathed. "Oh God, I can't believe I let you go! I'm never doing that again."

I made sure to lock the door behind me. "Here," I mumbled, giving him his phone back.

"Y-You got it?" he exclaimed. "You didn't hurt her, did you?"

"_No!_" I snapped. "Jesus, Gold, what do you think of me?"

"Good, because I called the police," he said. "They said they'd be about twenty minutes."

"Y-You... should probably stay until they arrive, then."

So he did. The kitchen still smelled a bit, even after my earnest attempt to single-handedly destroy the ozone layer, so we got cooking quickly in an attempt to cover it. I tried to teach him how to make an omelette, since they were so simple. It went well, until he took the frying pan off the heat and tried to flip it.

"It looks like a pancake," he said in his defence.

So we made pancakes too, though we didn't have much to put on them. Once Gold was actually allowed to flip them, he was surprisingly accurate with it. I just turned mine over with a knife; I didn't want to risk making an idiot of myself by plastering the ceiling with batter.

"I used to do this with my mom all the time," Gold explained, looking slightly embarrassed. "I just got back from Newbark, actually."

"Oh," I said, unsure of how to reply. "Was it... good?"

"Yeah, it was fine. She's getting pretty big now, so I thought I should help out," he said. "Y'know, she kept saying how she hadn't been a good mom, like when she first started dating Graham. But... I haven't exactly been the world's number one son either. I'm trying to make it up to them."

"Think of a name for the kid yet?"

"We've got it down to five: Rose, Amber, Capri, Saffron and Jasmine." He grinned. "I'm fine with anything that's not Carmine!"

"What if it's a boy?" I asked.

"It's not a boy." Gold wasn't looking at me.

"She get a scan?"

"No, I just know."

More like he hoped.

We had just finished washing up when two police officers arrived. They sat Gold down, whipped out their notepads and scribbled away, looking very serious – though the eyebrows of one of them twitched when Gold said the perpetrator was a lone girl about fourteen or fifteen years old. They talked to me, too, and for a minute or two I thought I was going to be arrested myself for purchasing stolen goods.

They left with the promise that they'd look into it, but I didn't expect much. With the block as it was, they were probably called out at least twice a week; and since Gold's phone had already been recovered, our case would probably be pushed to the bottom of the piles of other incidents the worryingly small police force had to deal with.

"Sorry about this," I mumbled when they had gone.

"It's not your fault," Gold replied. "Anyway, you're the one who lost your money. I'll pay you back."

"No, it's okay. I don't need it." I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I just stood there awkwardly, scratching the back of my leg with my toe. Gold reached out and brushed his fingers lightly against my arm, making goosebumps break out over my skin.

"Sorry," he bit out, bringing his hand to his mouth and coughing slightly. "I-I should go."

"I'll see you out," I said. "I-I mean, you don't want to get mugged again, right?"

"You might get mugged on the way back!" Gold said, only half-jokingly. He hesitated when he put his hand on the door, then laughed. "You've scared me now!" Turning around, he smiled at me, nervous and shy and happy and hopeful all at once.

I felt myself blushing. "Uh, um-" I looked away. "Y-You wanna stay?"

"For how long?"

Forever?

"H-How long do you want?" I asked.

His lips narrowed into a thin white line. "It's already dark out," he said quietly.

I sat down on the couch, and a moment later he joined me. Our hands laying lazily at our sides, our fingers were touching. Suddenly, the cold, draughty room seemed a whole lot warmer.

–

It took forever to persuade him to take the bed. I couldn't let him sleep on the floor in the filth, though the bed probably wasn't much better; I had bought new sheets, but had yet to invest in a new mattress. After ten minutes of insisting he would sleep on the floor, I was contemplating pinning him to the bed and tying him down. I laid on the floor and refused to move, pulling my jacket over my head when Gold protested. After that, he reluctantly accepted the bed, but not before shedding his own coat and jacket and laying them over me as well.

The floor wasn't exactly comfortable. If I stayed still for too long my bones began to cut into the carpet, and I cursed my lack of body fat to cushion me; and when I shifted the jackets that covered me slipped, and I had to spent several minutes rearranging my makeshift bed.

"D'you want to switch?" Gold whispered.

"No."

"D'you want to share?"

I didn't reply.

"I know that's a yes," Gold uttered under his breath as he shuffled along the bed, almost falling off the other side. "This isn't in a weird way or anything."

I awkwardly laid down beside him, the whole situation feeling very familiar. Even with a carefully carved distance between us, we were so close that I could feel the heat emitting from Gold's body on my back. For a moment, I wondered why he hadn't put his arm around me – then hated myself for thinking it. Before long, the fourth floor kids stopped yelling, and after several minutes of silence, I felt Gold relax with a deep sigh. I didn't think I'd be able to drift off so easily. Forty minutes later, I was still wide awake, and to make matters worse Gold had rolled onto his back and was now pressed up against me.

I heaved myself onto my front and propped myself up using my elbows. I didn't have any curtains yet; the pale moonlight shone on Gold's face. I wondered how he could sleep so soundly in an environment he was so obviously uncomfortable in. God knows if it weren't for previous experience I wouldn't get a wink of sleep on the Lattimer Estate; it just wasn't safe. Was it me...? Did I make him feel safe?

I moved my hand to touch his face, very lightly, with the tips of my fingers. His skin had always been softer than mine, probably because he'd been spared the torment of acne as a teenager. I wanted to touch him more, and that was an extremely strange feeling. I was the one who didn't like physical contact. But still, I moved my hand to lay the flat of my palm against his cheek, and felt very, very guilty (and sort of creepy) about it.

He opened his eyes.

I snatched my hand away and whipped around, pulling the duvet over my head, praying he hadn't noticed.

"Silver?" he said, his voice muffled with tiredness. He turned onto his side and leaned over me. "W-Were you watching me? I know you're awake. Were you?"

"No," I mumbled, my face flaming.

"What, was I drooling or something?" A slight laugh laced his voice.

"No."

"Creepy," he remarked. I heard the amusement in his tone. "Don't make a habit out of it."

"Shut up," I said irritably.

"Turn over," he said quietly, pushing gently at my shoulder and coaxing me onto my back so that he practically lay atop my chest. His fingers played at the neckline of my T-shirt, and I swallowed. It elicited an embarrassingly audible gulping sound from my throat, and I was glad it was dark to hide my burning cheeks.

Gold's thumb brushed through my hair, over my ear. When I reached up to push it away, he took hold of my hand, and I didn't let go.

"I miss you," I breathed.

"Careful. I might think you're turning soft" he said teasingly, giving my hand a small squeeze. "Silver," his voice lowered, sending a shiver slipping down my spine. "Can I do something selfish?"

All I could do was nod. A moment later, he kissed me.

We fell asleep together, curled in each other's arms.

–

**Watch out Silver, your 'dere' is showing!**

**What am I doing writing this when I have an exam tomorrow? I'm very nervous, I need all A grades! A well-known university has accepted me, but I have to get the grades first.**


	47. Love and Early Days

To: Silver

From: Gold

What u doin?

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_Its 12AM what u think_

To: Silver

From: Gold

lol

To: Silver

From: Gold

ur still awake tho

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_yeh the ppl next door won't shut up. Y u txting me?_

To: Silver

From: Gold

Becuz i'm worried about u

To: Silver

From: Gold

and I got free txts :3

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_im ok u know_

To: Silver

From: Gold

i know _

To: Silver

From: Gold

thnx for getting my phone back

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_np_

To: Silver

From: Gold

dont do it again thoroughly

To: Silver

From: Gold

*tho

To: Silver

From: Gold

Damn autocorrect :P

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_haha_

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_u think im gonna lie down and take it?_

To: Silver

From: Gold

whut 0/ / /0

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_Shut up_

To: Silver

From: Gold

sorry lol

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_ppl shouldnt be allowed to get away with stuff like tht_

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_im not just gonna put up with it ok_

To: Silver

From: Gold

I know :P i like that about u

To: Silver

From: Gold

but I also like u alive! D:

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_:P_

To: Silver

From: Gold

Emoticons! Shud i be worried? Lol

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_I dont have much money left_

To: Silver

From: Gold

sorry, i just dont like 2 leave u :(

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_i can take care of myself_

To: Silver

From: Gold

i wanna protect u _

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_good luck with that_

To: Silver

From: Gold

shut uuuuup

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_-/ / /-_

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_forget i sent that last 1_

To: Silver

From: Gold

i'm saving it xD

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_dont u dare_

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_im serious_

To: Silver

From: Gold

OK OK i deleted it :(

To: Silver

From: Gold

how much money u got left?

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_not much_

To: Silver

From: Gold

OK

To: Silver

From: Gold

i love u

To: Silver

From: Gold

silver...?

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_I love you too._

To: Silver

From: Gold

:')

To: Silver

From: Gold

lol Goodnight

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_night_

–

I had been visiting Silver a lot lately. His apartment was only a fifteen minute detour from the Radio Tower, so I had grown into the habit of dropping by after a day playing desk-jockey to Johto's best-known voices. The Lattimer estate still made me uneasy, especially with the mid-December sun setting so early. By six, Goldenrod was basked in grey shadows, and with so many street lamps around the estate broken or flickering, many of the narrower streets were cast into complete darkness. Often, by the time it came for me to leave it was pitch black outside, and we both agreed that it wasn't safe to be wandering about alone. Silver bought a new mattress and curtains.

I still worried for Silver, those nights when he was alone, but he seemed so happy there. Happier than he'd been in a long time. Yesterday I walked in on him singing into a wooden spoon while he made dinner. I think he liked cooking for two again.

We held hands over the table after we ate, and kept glancing at each other when we washed the dishes. Every time our eyes met I would quickly look away, grinning like a lovestruck schoolgirl. It was very strange.

"So, is this our honeymoon period or something?" I asked jokingly, stacking the plates away into a cupboard.

Silver shrugged and grunted. "Don't we have to be married for that?"

"You know what I mean," I said, taking hold of his wrist and coaxing him over to the sofa. Hooking my hands behind his neck, I sat down, pulling him down so that he bent at the waist. I kissed him.

It felt weird to have him kiss back. His encouragement made me bolder; I placed my hands on the backs of his legs and urged him forward. He put one knee on the sofa beside me. I leaned back and tugged hard on the front of his shirt, forcing him to raise his other knee, so that he was straddling my lap. He stopped kissing me and broke away, blushing furiously. He squirmed and went to get up, but I wasn't ready to let the embarrassment and awkwardness take control just yet. I gripped his hips and pulled him back. He overbalanced and ended up sitting on my lap.

He didn't try to move away again. I leaned my forehead against his chest. It was really all I could do, considering the massive height difference.

"Is this okay?" he mumbled, resting his chin atop my head.

"Yeah, you're pretty light," I replied.

"That's not what I meant."

I pressed my lips to his neck, and he inhaled sharply.

"Sorry."

"Shut up."

I let out a light laugh. "Can I..." – I blushed – "C-Can I touch you?"

Silver paused, and I felt him tense. "Where?" he asked.

"Um..." I considered this. "Your butt?" So much for being tactful.

"No!_"_ he said incredulously, leaning back and scowling at me.

"Sorry," I said. I removed my hand from his waist and rested my palm against his chest. Under my palm, I could feel his heart racing.

"Are you scared?" I asked quietly.

"Why would I be?" he asked, a slight bite to his voice.

"I am." I pulled him close, raising my hands to stroke his hair. Everything was suddenly very quiet. "I don't want to spoil this."

Silver didn't say anything, but I felt his hands press against my back. I smiled and tipped the two of us back, and he buried his face in the curve of my shoulder.

"I love you," I whispered.

"Don't," he mumbled, and I felt my chest tighten, terrified the moment was gone. But then Silver's hand gripped the back of my shirt, and he mumbled something.

"What did you-"

"You're kind to me," Silver repeated. I knew what he meant.

"That's okay," I said, smiling again. I pushed him back and took hold of his chin, urging him to look at me. "You have to let people be kind to you sometimes."

For a moment, Silver looked almost helpless. Then he quirked an eyebrow and gestured to our entangled bodies with outstretched hands. "What the hell is this?" he asked, half amused, half mocking. He brushed my fingers from his chin and heaved himself off me. "I'm not a girl, okay."

"Silver," I said exasperatedly, getting up and folding my arms, frowning at his turned back.

He froze. "What?" he asked, keeping his back to me. I couldn't miss the slight tremor in his voice.

"Stop running."

A long, long pause followed.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually. "I'm _sorry." _He raised his voice to an almost aggressive degree, before dropping it. Quiet as a pin-drop, he whispered, "I don't know how."

I sighed. "Come here," I murmured.

He turned to me, a self-deprecating smile twisting his lips. "You could do better."

"Come _here_," I repeated, a twinge of impatience rising in my throat.

For a moment I thought he wasn't going to. The next thing I knew I was hit with a sudden gust of air as Silver practically dived on me, half lifting me off my feet as his strong arms closed around me. I let out a yelp of surprise, then started laughing. Silver's face was hidden against my neck, his breath burning my skin. I tugged playfully on his hair.

"You are so cute right now, you know that?" I teased. He grunted irritably in response. "Seriously though, I can't breathe."

Silver's grip on my loosened, but he didn't pull away. It struck me then how difficult it would be to make him let go. Shocked at his own actions and too embarrassed to face me, if he were to let go now he'd undoubtedly run, abandoning his own apartment along with me. Part of me felt sorry for him. Part of me wanted to push him even further.

"So is this going to be a permanent thing?" I asked. "You really are going soft."

"I'm not," Silver said haughtily. He paused. "Can you, you know... see it coming?"

"See what coming?"

"This." Silver gave my body a little squeeze.

I grinned. "Maybe."

"Give me a heads up next time," he said. "I'm going to let go now. Don't look."

"I'll shut my eyes."

Silver took a deep breath before pulling away. I swayed a little, feeling lost with nothing to hold onto in the darkness behind my eyelids, but I didn't open my eyes. Silver coughed, and I could hear the slight, muffled shuffling of his socked feet against the carpet. It was weird how much more aware of their other senses people became when one was taken away.

I reached out a hand. "You're going to have to lead me out."

Silver took hold of my hand. "Don't get used to this," he warned as he guided me to the door. "Tomorrow I'll be back to normal. If you're expecting any special treatment you can forget it."

"So you want me to come over tomorrow? Ow!" A sharp pain stung my hip where I had bumped it on the corner of the cabinet.

"Oops" Silver snapped.

"I could open my eyes if that's what you want."

"Don't you dare."

A moment later my knuckles hit the cool wood of the door. I patted around for the handle, and the door began to push against my palms as Silver opened it.

"Wait until I close the door," he ordered.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." I turned to him, almost toppling over as I did so. Still feeling a little uneasy with my vision obscured, I did my best to mask it with a smirk. I didn't have to be able to see to know how stupid I must've looked. Certain expressions just didn't fit properly on my face, so used to wearing a smile for everyone. "Do I – um..." I faltered and started to blush. Remaining self-confident was more difficult than I'd anticipated. Clearing my throat, I regained my footing. "Do I get a kiss goodbye?"

Silver spluttered. "Y-You... are..." he took a deep breath, "definitely pushing it."

I lifted my chin expectantly. "Don't leave me hanging," I begged. "I feel stupid enough as it is."

Silver put both of his hands on my shoulders and tugged me forward before kissing me. It was nervous and tentative and _hard,_ like teeth, as if he was biting his lips into a severe line. But he was kissing me. Out in the open where anyone could see. I couldn't stop myself; I slid my hands around his waist, bunching up the back of his T-shirt around my wrists and stroking the exposed skin of his lower back. He gasped and pulled away, and I heard the door slam.

Lips still tingling, I opened my eyes and turned to leave – promptly crashing right into the wall. I stumbled back, clutching my face. Ow. I was closer to the wall than I thought.

I didn't waste any time getting out of the block and out of the estate. When I arrived – mercifully safe – at Crystal's house, I had to hammer on the door for a good five minutes before I was greeted by Crystal, who was wearing a bright red nightie and holding a bottle of beer in one hand. Weird, waily music assaulted my ears as I hurried inside.

"What's going on?" I asked, hands over ears.

"My parents went to an opera, so I'm partyin', partyin'!" Crystal explained, taking a gulp of her drink and breaking into her iconic snakelike dance. "I have _big plans_," she said excitedly, taking my hand and dragging me into the living room. "Look, see, you know I've bee going out with Eusie lately? Well, we went to the Lake of Rage – have you seen it? It's almost completely frozen – and there were these two gyaradoses in the middle doing this weird thing. You know, when they poke their heads out of the water and swim around like the Loch Ness Monster? Apparently it's a mating ritual, with them pairing off ready for spring, but it's really rare to actually see it! Eusine went completely over-the-top about it, obviously, hopping around like a madman, but luckily I had my camera phone, sooo..." She threw an arm around my shoulders, "I filmed it, and Eusine did his David Attenborough thing. 'And here was have the mighty gyarados, enacting a stunning mating dance!'. The quality wasn't that great, but we had an idea."

She pushed her bottle into my hands and leaped to her feet, arms held stiff out in front of her, fingers pressed together in a rectangle.

"Eusine can continue his nature research, right – are you following?"

"I-I'm following, I'm following."

"And he can, like, narrate stuff – he's a good speaker, you know – and I can shoot it. I'll have to get a proper camera of course, but think about it! We can have our own unofficial documentary programme!" She clapped her hands like a little girl, then gasped as the track changed on the old-fashioned CD player. "Ohh, I love this song!"

Yanking my to my feet, she started twisting around me, and, still elated and soaring through the sky with Silver, I linked hands with her and danced along. She liked twirling me under her arm. She looked so happy that I hated to be the voice of reason.

"Will your parents let you go?" I asked, stepping back with my left foot just a second too late as Crystal stepped forward with her right.

"Probably not," she said.

"What'll you do, then?"

"Run away!" she said rebelliously, tossing her hair back and spinning me around just as the music faded away. An evil little smirk appeared on her face, and she dipped me backwards.

I yelped and clung to her. "Oww, my back! Don't drop me!"

"Of course not, my lady," she purred deeply, sweeping me back to my feet.

"My hero." I fluttered my eyelids and faked a swoon, and Crystal cackled, giving me a playful push. I pushed her back. "Seriously though, you're going to have a hard time convincing them. It's not exactly a stable career," I said, adding silently, 'it's not a career at all'.

"If you can get out of the kitchen, there's no reason for me not to," Crystal replied. "I feel sorry for Alan, though. He even offered me an apprenticeship in management, but... _management! _I can't even manage my own wardrobe."

"To be honest Crys, my job right now isn't that different to the cafe. Except I'm playing waiter to Buena and Mary now, and they're a whole lot easier on the eyes than those sailors."

Crystal cackled again. "You'll get your chance! In a few years you can bet you'll have thirteen-year-old girls all over Johto creaming their pants over your voice."

I looked at her incredulously, feeling creases form on my forehead. She shrugged innocently.

"It worked for Justin Bieber."

"Those jokes aren't funny any more."

"Sorry I forgot you've got a boner for him. Speaking of which, how'd your date with Silver go?" She flung herself down on the sofa and propped up her legs, making her nightie fall down over her hips. Thankfully she was wearing boxers underneath.

"Why did you say 'speaking of which'?" I asked indignantly. Crystal made an obscene gesture with her hands, and found it very funny when I blushed like a virgin schoolgirl and looked away.

"What can I say, it must be all this teenage male influence that's in the house lately," she said.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's a different sort of influence, actually," I pointed out, snatching from her hand the beer bottle that was hovering in front of her lips. "Anyway, you know we're not like that. It's early days. I-I love him, but..."

"You love him," Crystal repeated. I went quiet and looked at her. She smiled gently.

"I do," I murmured. "I really, really do."

Splaying a hand across the floor and picking up a half eaten bar of chocolate, Crystal thrust it at me and laid her legs over my lap.

"Come on then, give me the juice," she demanded. "Don't worry, we've got _all_ night."

I rolled my eyes, then felt a small rumble in my pocket. I whipped out my phone, with Crystal looking on in wide-eyed anticipation.

_To: Gold_

_From: Silver_

_u get back ok?_

–

**I had much more fun writing Gold and Silver's text messages than I should have.**


	48. Love and The Beginning

All day at work the phone refuse to stop ringing. Since I knew that I was no match for N's superior pokemon-rearing skills, I grudgingly volunteered to man the telephone while he took care of business outside with Mr Morgan. Most of the callers were children, mumbling and shouting to their parents for instructions on what to say, eager to get their long-abandoned pokemon back for the holidays. I was tempted to whip out the old 'not just for Christmas' lecture, before I caught myself and pressed my palm to my face. The influence of old people in the workplace was clearly rubbing off on me. One boy kept calling about his poliwhirl then hanging up before I had the chance to tell him about it. After five consecutive ten-second calls, my patience was wearing thin.

"What _now_?" I snapped down the receiver.

"Silver!" Blue replied, scandalised.

"Oh. Sorry." I coughed awkwardly. "Wait, why are you calling me at work anyway?"

"You weren't picking up your cell."

I recalled my beat-up, second hand phone left precariously on a spot on the kitchen counter where it was least likely to be leaked upon by faulty water pipes or not the quite rainproof ceiling. "I have to let it charge sometimes," I said. "What do you want?"

"Well that's a fine 'hello' if I ever heard one," she said irritably. "Do you have Green's new landline number? He forgot to give it to me."

"Obviously not on me, since I haven't got my phone."

"Well could you call him when you get home? Tell him to ring me."

I paused, trying to wrap my head around her logic. "Can't you just call him on his cell?"

"No! It's the principle," Blue said, exasperation evident in her tone. "I can't call on his _phone_ to ask for his _phone number! _Anyway, I shouldn't have to. He was the one who forgot to tell me."

"You know I really don't understand you."

"You don't have to understand to obey."

As much as I hated playing the role of messenger, I dutifully wasted several pokedollars punching a number I hoped never to have to call into my phone. After a few tortuous rings, over which I tried desperately to think of all possible ways to defect the torrent of teasing that would no doubt come my way, the noise abruptly went dead in my ears and for a moment I thought my cell had broken. I was about to hang up when I heard the very faintest of snuffles. Listening hard, I realised that my phone wasn't dead. It was _breathing_.

"Hello?" I said, thoroughly confused.

"Hello, how are you?" someone instantly replied.

"...Who is this?"

"Red."

I choked, knowing that I'd heard that gravelly voice somewhere before. "Why am I talking to you?" I demanded, unable to think of a better way of putting it on the spot.

"You called me," Red said, and I had to admit he had a point. "Who are you?"

"It's Silver! And isn't this Green's house?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Then why are _you_ answering the phone?"

"I live here." Red spoke flatly, as if it was obvious and I was simply stupid.

"What – when did this happen?"

"Green wanted to come back and apologise to Professor Oak, so I went with him," he said. "As somebody's partner it is important to be supportive."

"I – oh. Well. Whatever. I-Is Green there?" I asked.

"No."

I waited for him to elaborate but instead found myself listening inanely to Red's soft breathing above the silence. My palms were sweating. I wiped them on my jeans before continuing. "Well, when he gets back could you tell him to phone Blue? If he doesn't, I'm the one who has to suffer the consequences."

"Okay. I'm going to write it down so I don't forget." Red replied, adding after a slight pause, "I'm quite forgetful."

"Right." I leaned against the counter, almost hitting my head off a protruding cupboard in the process. I felt a little awkward listening to shuffles, the protests of an opening drawer and the quiet clatter of pens, so in a last-ditch attempt I made a wild stab at conversation. "So... you worked things out then?"

"Actually I stopped going to the gym," Red replied. Silence took over once again as I wasn't sure what to say, and it was up to Red to break it. "That was a joke," he explained. "I don't know what the exact definition of having 'worked things out' is, but we're okay for now, I think. Who was it you wanted him to call?"

"Blue."

"I wrote it down," Red said after a pause. "Is that all you needed?"

"Yeah-" I did a double-take as the line suddenly went dead and was replaced by a constant buzzing. I stood there expressionless for a while, wondering if there was something wrong with the connection. Then, a falsely cheerful voice announced, "The other person has cleared". I set my phone down on the counter, slightly afraid to risk calling back. Talking to Red was like doing an interview I hadn't practised for, and for a job I knew nothing about. I began to think that perhaps I had underestimated Green.

I wondered what he meant when he said things were 'okay'. Was I okay? I scrolled through my contact, my fingers guiding me to Gold's number before I had a chance to think. He picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?" How refreshing; a person who let's you know when they're listening.

"Are we okay?" I asked.

"Um, yeah? Yeah, I think we are," he replied, clearly confused.

"All right. Good. Good." I took a deep breath. "I l-love you." I stumbled over the words as they all rushed off my tongue at once. It was different in a conversation that didn't consist of emoticons and a severe lack of vowels. If was different when he could hear me.

Was this okay? I was making myself vulnerable, practically inviting him to walk all over me. But he wouldn't do that. I knew he wouldn't. I trusted him.

Yeah. I think it was okay.

"I'm coming over," Gold said suddenly, making me bite down on my tongue. "So don't go anywhere! Got it?"

He hung up before I could reply. I stood glaring at my phone for a while, wondering if this was yet another trend nobody had told me about. I traipsed into my room and flopped down on my bed, contemplating how obedient I was being, and hating that I didn't seem to care.

–

I was knocked back several feet when Gold burst through the door, a split-second after I unlocked it, threw his arms around my neck and kissed me breathless. Too shocked to tear myself away, I simply lifted my hands to rest limply at his waist, and was taken aback at how _small_ it was. I tightened my hands into an experimental squeeze, and Gold squealed and doubled-over, finally letting me up for air.

"I'm – so glad it's you," he panted, grinning up at me. "Because I didn't even look before I did that."

"You're tiny," I said with a smug smirk. He lifted his arms, showing off his quite-a-lot-flatter body before poking at a little roll of fat protruding from over the top of his jeans.

"Not quite," he said. He looked strangely pleased with my comment. "But nearly! Watch out, I'll have a six-pack and abs before Christmas."

"In a week? I don't think so." I prodded his hip too, and he kissed me again.

"We should move away from the door. G-Go..."

"Go where?"

"The bed."

I tensed.

"O-Or the kitchen, or wherever, I don't mind! I wasn't suggesting we-" Gold fell into a fluster, blushing and curling his hands into my shirt. His anxiousness in turn caused me to lose my nerve, and I held his shoulders and pushed him away. A self-mocking smirk twisted its way onto Gold' face. "I kinda ruined that, didn't I?"

I mumbled incoherently in response, and he tried to push me, but only succeeded in propelling himself backwards. "Idiot," he muttered, in a rather accurate, if unintentional, impression of me. "I love you."

I groaned. "You're not going to make me say it again, are you?"

"Nope, but it'd be nice."

"I think once is enough for today."

He perched himself on the edge of my bed while I made us coffee (black for me, and for him enough sugar to feed a hungry nation), and when I returned to him with two steaming mugs in hand, he had transferred from sitting to laying, sprawled out with my limp pillow on his stomach, arms raised above his head. His hands were making quick work of my half-solved Rubik's cube.

"Hey, hey!" I quickly set down the mugs, making the coffee leap to life and launch painful little pinpricks into my hands. I snatched the cube from Gold's unresisting fingers and examined it, feeling a groan rising in my chest. "Now look what you've done! I'd just got the red side done!"

"But it's no good if the other sides are all mixed up," Gold pointed out. He laughed. "Why do you have that anyway?"

"There was life before TV and computers, you know," I snapped.

Gold faked a shudder, leaned over and slurped at his coffee from the rim of the mug without picking it up. "That's disgusting," I said, wrinkling my nose. He simply grinned and reached out for me. Tugging at my wrist, he unbuttoned the cuffs of my worn-out, too-long shirt and rolled them up to kiss my knuckles. My stomach gave a strange little hiccup, and I had to pull away and wipe my hand on my jeans.

"Oh, thanks," Gold muttered, and I felt my mouth twist into something resembling a smile as I sat down on the bed beside him. He put his hand on my thigh instead. "Lay down."

"N-No," I choked, finding it near impossible force words out past the spike that had scraped its way down my throat. The surprisingly slender hand on my thigh gave an encouraging squeeze, and I let out a gasp. I quickly covered my mouth and looked away, and the instant I did so, all the air was knocked out of me as Gold, like a spring-loaded trap, burst forward, latched his arms around me and fell back down, taking me with him.

I only struggled for a moment before deciding that blushing, flailing and getting mad would probably be decidedly more embarrassing than just going with the flow. Gold's hands were slipping from my shoulders and down my back and _lower_. Every muscle in my body twitched when I felt his palms come to rest gently on my ass.

"Told you this was a good idea," he said. Tightening his lips a little, he asked, quieter this time, "Is this okay?"

The hair on the back of my neck bristled as I felt my body tremor slightly. Being teased like this really didn't suit me. Unclenching my fists (and leaving tiny crescent-shaped valleys in my palms behind them) I pressed my hand against his chest, smirking a little when I felt that the weight hadn't quite dropped off him yet. "Is this okay?" I asked through gritted teeth, averting my gaze without meaning to.

"Mmm." Gold slid one hand back up my body to gently massage the back of my neck. My thighs trembled and I pressed them together, hoping he wouldn't notice the growing erection that was tenting the front of my jeans. I tried to cover it with my hands when, after leaning up to capture my lips in a kiss, Gold turned us both over and slipped his leg in between mine.

I stiffened and tried to squirm away, jaw clenched, humiliation burning behind tightly squeezed-shut eyes. I knew Gold was staring at me. Then, after an achingly long pause, Gold silently lowered his hand to rest against mine, guiding them out of the protective shield they had formed.

"It's okay," he whispered. "I-I'm the same."

Slowly steering my hand away from my own crotch, I knew what he was going to do yet made no move to stop him. He shivered against me at the feather-light touch of the very backs of my knuckles against his clothes erection. He held me, held himself against me.

And I couldn't.

I _couldn't._

I broke.

I tore myself away with a gasp, lurching into a sitting position. Gold rolled around a bit before finally hauling himself up too and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Did I go too far? I'm sorry..."

"No, no, it's..." I held his hands tightly, reluctant to let go. Even with him so close I could feel the warmth of his body wedged against my back, he felt so far away. More than my friend, not quite my lover. There was nothing but dirty words available to describe our relationship now. "Why did you come here," I murmured.

"Because," Gold replied. He didn't elaborate. I was expecting at least a _"because I love you"_. My chest tightened when I realised how pathetic I was being. He could tell me a million times, and I still wouldn't be satisfied. A wry smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. Maybe this was payback for refusing to tell him I loved him when he asked.

"Let's just call this a 'well done' for finally saying it," he said, snuggling up against my back. warmth breath ghosted across the nape of my neck and gave me goosebumps. Resigning myself, I relaxed against him – then tensed and convulsed, my back arching like a cat, as Gold tweaked both my nipples.

I felt him grinning like a Cheshire Cat against my neck. "You let your guard down, Silver!" he said, wrapping his legs around my hips as his fingers teased and pinched.

I tried to tell him to get the hell off, but all that came out of my mouth was something like, "Anngahhngh!", and unable to bear the mortification I thrust my body forward into a crouched position in an effort to protect my chest. Gold ended up balanced on my back, arms and legs hooked around me like a baby koala. He sucked at the prominent bump of my spine at the nape of my neck, and I jerked my shoulders back, urging him away.

"St- what- _stop!_ That's enough of that," I snapped, acutely aware of my burning cheeks and goose-pimpled neck. I rubbed the shivers away.

Gold simply smiled up at me, and something in the back of my mind was was telling me this was it. This was my chance. I could ask him to get back together with me, and I was almost certain he'd say yes. Everything would go back to the way they used to be.

I couldn't do that to him.

We finished our coffee quickly – all the time spent fooling around meant that it was now lukewarm and verging on the edge of cold. Gold kissed me again before leaving.

"I love you so much," he mumbled against my chest.

"So... what now?" The words tripped over my tongue, and I instantly regretted them.

"I leave, I guess," Gold said almost sadly. "I promised I'd help Crystal with her college applications. She wants to get into media – can you believe that? I thought she was just pretending to be interested in it because of her crush on Eusine, but it's not, she really wants to do it. For herself."

"I'll see you later then."

"I'll see you _soon!_"

He left via the stairwell, and I went back inside to make myself another cup of coffee.

It was three days before I heard from him again. It was just past four, and I was just about to leave work when he called me.

"Um, Silver?" I was a put a little off-balance by how nervous he sounded. Taking my jacket from where I had tucked it between my knees to fumble my phone out of my pocket, I pulled it on carelessly, making the sleeves of my T-shirt bunch up at the elbows.

"You okay?" I asked, propping one foot up on the desk to tie a lace that had sneaked its way undone.

"Yeah, I just want to talk to you. Um. Could you come over?"

"Yeah, sure." I set to work on my other shoelace, which had seized its opportunity to fall out of its knot while my attention was focused on the other. Mrs Morgan bustled in, gathered some papers up from the desk and swatted me with them like she would a particularly irritating insect. I took my foot off the desk.

"I'm on Eames Road, you know that block of flats at the end? I'll meet you out there if-"

"Wait, I thought you were – what are you-"

"Just come, please," Gold sighed. A slight smile crept into his voice. "I'll explain when you get here."

So I went. Eames Road was certainly a few steps ahead of the Lattimer Estate in terms of appearance, but that wasn't saying much. There was still gum on the pavement and the occasional yellowed egg stain on the white plastered walls. Gold was waiting for my outside the apartment block at the very end of the street, cradling his phone in his hands like a small, delicate animal. He grinned when he saw me, but the slight twitch in his eye gave him away; he was still nervous about something.

I looked appraisingly up at the rather plain-looking block towering over us. "Are you getting an apartment?"

"I'm planning on it," he said. "There's a few other people thinking about making offers on the place too, but-" he breathed in deeply and puffed out his chest, "-I'm feeling lucky! Let me show you it. The agent said we had permission."

"Did you get promoted or something?" I asked as he led me up the stairs towards the third floor.

"Not exactly. Not _yet. _But Buena called in sick and they grabbed me to fill in for her. I must've done okay because they said I could take over for the days when she can't make it in. I don't get paid for it, but at least I'm making a good impression, right?" Gold explained. "Plus I've been saving up."

"Won't Crystal miss you?" I asked, smirking.

"Nah, she's too busy working on her latest and greatest inspiration. She doesn't realise how lucky she was to have me!" he said. "Once I'm gone, her parents are planning on renting out the room I was using to other people. Just wait until she has strangers walking around her house like they own the place."

We stopped outside Room 312. Gold suddenly looked anxious again. "Don't expect much, okay?"

"Gold, I live in a dive, pretty much," I said flatly. Gold smiled wryly and opened the door and stepped in carefully, as if he was entering Aladdin's cave, and that the place could collapse at any moment. I followed him, suddenly inexplicably nervous myself. Trying to brush off the unsettling feeling Gold's unease was plunging into me, I decided to explore.

Only to find there wasn't really much to see. It was very small and very simple. Whitewashed walls, a standard stove and no furniture to speak of. Aside from the main room (which compacted the living room and kitchen into one) there was a bathroom with no sink, and two bedrooms, one of which was no bigger than an average broom closet. I went in and closed the door behind me. It wasn't actually so bad in there. Sure, it was small, but it didn't feel confined. It was quite nice, actually. I sat down on the worn carpet and leaned against the wall.

I flinched as Gold abruptly swung the door right into my shins as he came in.

"Sorry!" he said sheepishly as I scrambled to my feet, rubbing my smarting leg. He stepped a little closer to me, so that the static that had built up in my clothes caused his hair to bristle and stick to my shoulder, like we had our own magnetic pull. The back of his hand was touching mine. "Do you like it?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's..." I cleared my throat. "Good."

"Good," Gold repeated, a quiet smile lacing his voice. "Because I was hoping – thinking – this could be your bedroom. For weekends."

My heart leapt into my throat, and for one horrible moment I was teetering on the edge of a cliff, not quite sure if I was going to let go and spill my guts right there and then, all over the cream-coloured carpet. After what seemed like a stupidly long time I regained my balance and swallowed. "Y-You want to-"

Damn it, I was stuttering. My mouth was too dry; I couldn't get my words out.

"You don't have to," Gold said quickly. Quietly.

"No, I want, I want, I-" I didn't know what I was saying. I had to find my footing. I hadn't worked so hard only to have my control torn from me so easily. I moved away from Gold – the heat of his hand on mine was too much, if he kept doing that then I'd say _yes, yes, I want this_, and I couldn't let myself do that. I bumped my the side of my head on the wall as I turned away from him.

I sighed and pressed my forehead against the cool plaster. "Can I think about this?"

"Will it change your answer?" Gold asked.

"Probably not," I mumbled. I could feel my heart rising to my mouth again; if I wasn't careful it would all come spurting out and I wouldn't be able to stop it. "I don't... want to hurt you."

"Then don't."

I think my heart stopped then, just for a fraction of a second. My breathing hitched anyway, and I wanted to look at him. But my feet were rooted to the floor, and the chains were coming back, binding me, telling me to stop being such an idiot. But that advice hadn't taken me to what I wanted in the past. It probably wouldn't now.

I turned around. I was almost trembling, and a deep pain had wormed its way into my chest and was squeezing so tight it threatened to cut off my breathing altogether.

I almost broke when I saw Gold standing so close, smiling up at me. It hurts to face your fears. But the pain in my chest dissipated into a numb, faraway feeling. And it was just me and Gold in the whole world, and we were scared. And happy. And ordinary.

"It's that simple to you?" I asked quietly.

"It is if you want it to be," he replied. "Do you want it to be?"

"Yeah," I said. "I! Uh..." I felt my face heat up as my tongue refused to unravel everything I wanted to say.

Gold grinned. "I know, I know, you love me," he said, taking hold of the front of my shirt and tugging me closer. "Idiot," he added affectionately.

"I only said it the other day," I pointed out, seeds of doubt threatening to burst in my chest.

"But you've been acting like it for a lot longer."

And just like that, they were gone. I wanted to touch him. I was frightened to touch him. But I wanted to touch him.

"You're smiling," Gold said triumphantly. "...Is that a yes? Are we, like, boyfriends now?"

"You start calling me that and you're dumped."

"Boyfriend Dearest," Gold teased, wrinkling his nose with a mischievous smile, and leaning up and giving me a peck on the lips before ushering me out of the cupboard-like bedroom with the explanation, "There's a kettle, we can have tea. There's no coffee though." Honestly. How sickeningly traditional.

There was nowhere to sit while we drank, so I settled on leaning my hips on the worktop with Gold resting on my side.

"Are we going to be okay?" I asked.

"I think so," Gold replied. "_Are_ we going to be okay?"

"Yeah." I put my arm around him. After a pause, I added, in a somewhat defiant tone, "I don't _need_ you though!"

Gold simply laughed at me. "Yeah, and I don't need you either," he said dismissively. "But this," - he put his mug down on the worktop and rubbed the sharp point of my hip with the pad of his thumb and delighting in my shudder - "this is nice. I like this. I want to be like this." His hand got a bit too adventurous and tried to slide under my shirt. I grabbed it, and even after twisting away, still held onto it.

"I'm going to need that later if I'm going to sign for this place," he said. "Should I?"

"If you want."

"I should probably tell them. Come with me?" He didn't need to ask, really, and what's more, he knew it. Leaving his tea half-drank, he pushed himself away from the worktop, and I wasn't far behind. I couldn't help thinking: this was it. What we'd been waiting for.

This was our beginning.

We joined hands, linked our fingers, and walked out together.

–

**So there you have it; it's finally over. This is all of Gold and Silver's time together that you're going to see. What happens next? I don't know; I'll leave them to find out. They'll be okay on their own.**

**I'm sorry it took such a long time for this final chapter to come out, but for a long time I simply wasn't _feeling_ anything for my writing, and forcing a story is a sure-fire way to make it suck. I wanted to be happy with the ending, which is why I waited until I'd managed to kick my brain back in gear!**

**Thanks to all of you who followed this story. To those of you who liked it – I'm really happy! To those of you who didn't, I'm not apologising. I'll admit that yes, some parts of this story aren't great. There are a lot of parts I'm not proud of, and if I'm ever struck with inspiration again I'll probably come back and change it. But only by writing this story and improving myself have I realised the mistakes I used to make. And I don't regret any of it.**

**Thank you again.**

**-lilacbird**


End file.
